Repost: Love, Pain, and Fear Ch.1/?

["angel_fire1505" <sweet_n_slick2002@xxxxxxxxx>]

Love, Pain, and Fear

By: Angel

Rating: NC-17

Coupling: Buffy/Willow and who knows what else

Disclaimer: Unfortunately Joss owns them but if I did..... these two 
would be together

Summary: Buffy reveals that she loves Willow, but thinks her 
feelings can't be returned. Giving up on life Buffy is turned by 
some nameless vamp who is killed with the ex-slayer's last bit of 
strength. Buffy decides to come back and apologize to Willow, but 
doesn't plan for Will to see what she has done to herself. Learning 
later that Willow does love her she actually regrets something in her 
life. A life-altering mistake that changes everybody.










It watched Willow from the cover of darkness outside of her window. 
The figure watched as her friend lay down on the bed and stared at 
the ceiling. Lightly it tapped the windowpane and waited as Willow 
came to check.

Opening the window the redheaded-witch gasped from shock, "Buffy? 
What are you doing?"

"We need to talk, but I couldn't face Tara. Not after what I did."

"Ummm, yeah that may be best." Willow said.

"So is it OK if I come in? I mean you won't blast me or anythin?" 
Buffy asked using her friend's magic as a cover up.

"No Buffy I won't blast you." Willow said with a slight 
chuckle. "Come in."

Buffy smiled and stepped through the open window frame. Willow sat 
on the edge of the bed and Buffy walked around the room. There was 
an extended, awkward silence and Buffy reached to look at an old 
photo album on her dresser. She heard Willow's heart skip a beat as 
she opened it.

"Why did you kiss me?"

She turned her head and closed the book. "Because I love you.... I 
want you..... and just wanted you to know." Speaking of love made 
her young demon scream in agony. No spawn of hell was meant to feel 
anything, but with Buffy's supposed soul made it swim through a sea 
of emotions that it wasn't meant to feel.

"Why Buff? Why now?"

"Because...I know you could never love me in return. I'm letting 
feelings, that I've held in for so long, I'm letting them be known so 
my guilt isn't nagging me for not telling you." Down casting her 
eyes she stares at the floor, which has just become 
interesting. "I'll leave now. I didn't mean to bother you."

As she reached for the doorknob she heard her whisper. A whisper so 
faint any normal person wouldn't have heard it. "Do it again."

Buffy stopped and turned around. "Do what again Will?"

Willow looked straight at her and said louder, "Kiss me again."

"Why should I?" Buffy asked walking towards her.

"I want you to." She said huskily.

When she was standing right in front of Willow, she looked down into 
her emerald green eyes and said, "Tell me Will, and I want the truth, 
did you ever love me?"

"Yes."

"Do you still?"

Willow craned her neck back to stare her back and ran her hands down 
Buffy's thighs. "Yes"

"Could you ever be mine?"

She brought her hands up behind her thighs slowly and rested them on 
her firm backside.

"I already am and always will be." and with that she pulled Buffy 
towards her and Buffy pressed her lips to Willow's in a soft, gentle, 
passionate kiss. She climbed onto the bed with Willow with a knee on 
each side, straddling Willow's lap. Willow pushed her tongue into 
Buffy's mouth, the need flowing through her body like a stream 
seeking urgent release. They explored each other's mouths and bodies 
like travelers in uncharted land. Buffy ran a hand through short, 
silky red hair and caressed her right breast with her free hand.

Willow moaned inside Buffy's mouth and her demon tried desperately to 
get free. But she held him back, savoring this moment when her 
Willow was in her arms. Without warning, Willow rubbed Buffy's point 
of desire through her tight jeans in a firm but gentle, desperate 
stroke, breaking all of her control. A growl erupted from her chest 
as the demon broke through. She felt her face change and her teeth 
grow as she turned into what she was destined to kill.

Buffy tore away from Willow and turned away from her. Willow 
couldn't see her like this; Buffy wouldn't allow Willow to see that 
she'd given up.

"Buffy, what's wrong? I-I'm sorry I did that. I shouldn't ha..."

"No Will don't be sorry." Buffy said breaking her off mid-
sentence. "It's not you, it's me." She stared into the mirror on 
her dresser and frowned at her reflection or lack of. 

Willow's eyes followed Buffy's gaze and she watched as Willow's eyes 
widened in fear and took a step back. Her hand came up and covered 
her mouth. "No, Buffy please no."

Buffy turned around and one look at Willow's face made a tear run 
down her rigid face. She took a step towards Willow only to have her 
take an equal step back and fell to the bed. Pain reflected in the 
ex-slayer's yellow eyes, and for once in her life she regretted 
something.

"I won't hurt you Will. I couldn't. Damnit Willow say something!" 
She cried.

"When? H-How?" Was all she said.

"Tonight. After I told you how I felt and your actions made me 
realize you could never love me in return. I knew then that there 
was nothing left for me to live for. I just gave up. I thought 
about killing myself, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. You 
don't know how hard it is to be the slayer and live longer than 
you're supposed to. To have the weight of the world resting on your 
shoulders. At least this way I can still watch out for Dawn, and you 
guys if you need it. But Willow I beg of you, don't blame yourself 
or anyone else. It was my choice and if it weren't for you it would 
have happened sooner. So actually...you saved me." Buffy silently 
whispered that last part and hoped that Willow had heard her. From 
her expression it seemed that she had. Her face changed back to 
normal as she suppressed her demon and its hunger.

"But wasn't this world better than the hell that we saved you from?" 
She questioned confused.

Buffy looked at her and the answer showed in her eyes. Tears began 
to slowly pour from Willow's eyes as she wrapped her arms around her 
stomach, "You weren't in hell were you?" she whispered silently.

She looked up at Buffy and watched, as she regretfully shook her head 
no. 

"Oh Goddess." 

Buffy sat next to Willow and raised her face to look at her. "Willow 
please, you didn't know. You couldn't have known. Don't do this to 
yourself. I'm not mad and I don't regret you bringing me back. My 
heaven is seeing you.... seeing you happy. Please don't cry for 
me." She reached up and gently wiped the tears from her face. "And 
my perfect heaven would be to be with you.... to be able to hold you 
as Tara is able to. But I don't have that luxury and I need to leave 
before I do something that will make you and everyone hate me. 
Willow, I have a lifetime and more to think about my mistake and just 
that much longer to watch you and Tara. She makes you happy and 
that's all I want. I'll be here for you for as long as you need me. 
And I'll be here waiting for eternity, when and if you need me." 
Buffy said getting up to leave. There was nothing she could do now. 
She'd done what she could and know it was up to Willow to believe her.

Before leaving the room Buffy turned back and said, "Willow, ummm, 
please don't tell the gang about my...mistake. And remember.... I'll 
always love you." And with that she turned and walked out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tara watched, from the bottom of the stairs, as Buffy left 
her and Willow's bedroom, and a tear ran down her cheek.