FIC: Dispelling the Darkness (5/?) PG-13

["Red Willow" <reddwillow@xxxxxxxxxxx>]

Title: Dispelling the Darkness
Author: Red Willow
For Disclaimers, Summary and other such info, please see parts 1, 2...
part 5 of ?


?She?s sleeping again. They gave her more morphine last night. She?s been 
sleeping since. Giles? it?s getting worse? I think.?
?She?s? Buffy she?s dying.?
?I? know? but? she was okay? I mean she was sleeping really soundly? for the 
first time in days. Then she? was awake? Giles I was about to leave for 
patrol when all of a sudden she woke up and started talking. Her fever 
spiked, but she wasn?t delirious or anything? at least? I mean? she wasn?t 
talking about bugs or? anyway. She? she was awake for most of the three of 
so hours I stayed there with her? and she talked through most of it? I 
thought maybe? maybe she was getting better? but then she was screaming in 
pain? and I? I?
?Come on.? Started Giles, putting his hand on her back to quiet the 
distraught Slayer, ?There is much we need to talk about.?

Buffy nodded and walked with him down the hall, glancing back once to see 
Dawn wipe fresh tears from her eyes beside Willow?s bed.

?I need some fresh air? do you mind??? Buffy asked gesturing toward the 
elevator.
?Yes, yes, of course.?

They rode the elevator down in silence, each caught up in their own 
thoughts, nursing their own aching hearts.

Outside the sun blazed in it?s late morning routine. Buffy and Giles 
squinted as they stepped from the automatic doors that led to the large 
parking lot beyond. They strolled down the pathway that led to a few picnic 
tables where hospital staff sometimes spent their lunch brakes. Giles took 
a seat and the Slayer followed his example.

?So? this thing you told Xander about?? Buffy started, referring to the 
phone call Xander had gotten the night before.

Xander had called the CCU nurse?s station, thankful that Melissa answered, 
and told her that it was important for Buffy to take the call. He gave her 
a vague sketch of his conversation with the Watcher, telling her that he was 
going to be back in the morning.

?Morbi Malitiosi. Disease of the Wicked.? Giles offered.
?Right? I guess that means Willow.? Buffy responded.
Giles nodded. ?There?s not much I was able to find about it? lots of 
references to it? but Buffy?? He took off his glasses and began to clean 
them as was his habit. ?There are no references to any cures, nor are there 
any references to the victim? recovering in any way.?
?So basically you?re saying everyone who?s ever? gotten this? has died.?
?Yes.?
?Okay?? She nodded and looked off in the distance, a man and woman holding 
hands with smiles on their faces catching her eye. She studied them for a 
few moments.
?Buffy?? He started, pulling her attention back to him. ?The only thing that 
might still save her? is faith.?
?Huh?? Her eyes shot open, thinking he meant the other Slayer. ?Oh? you 
mean? faith, hope?? She nodded in understanding. ?I do believe? I think.?
?The old witch I talked to? she?s very powerful, she was able to sense 
Willow?s power? and now she senses her life forcing fading? there?s not much 
time.?
?But? how do? I mean, what do we just? pray over her or something? ?Cause I 
was never big with the religions.?
?I would say that if you were religious? then perhaps, yes? that?s exactly 
what you have to do. But? I think you have to use whatever you have faith 
in? and Buffy? we all need to believe that she will survive. We must find 
it in our hearts to forgive her, to understand? to love her.?
?I? I??
?The witch was very forceful on this point. Willow is the only one who can 
stop the infection from devouring her. This is her war, her battle? she 
alone can fight the demons that plague her.?
?Giles? I?m not sure I understand all of this.? Buffy said, shaking her 
head.

She thought of the things Willow had muttered the day before about the 
darkness and the light, about the battle.

?Buffy? The thing that?s killing Willow is a product of her??
?I thought you said it was left by the black magic she??
?Yes? yes that?s true. But Willow?s anger, her guilt and shame? even her 
grief over Tara? these all fuel the disease. This is why she is the only one 
who can beat it. She must find forgiveness and know that we all still love 
her? that we have faith in her battle, that we believe she will win and 
live.?
?Giles? she killed Warren. She tried to kill you? Dawn? all of us? and still 
I? I do forgive her? I still love her.?
?Good.? He stated. ?You have to make that clear to her? because my guess is 
that she feels as if she?s deserving this.?
?She was screaming for us to let her die.?
?Dear lord.?
?I can?t? I can?t just let her? Giles??
?I know??
?No? I?? She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. ?Giles I love her.?
?I know Buffy? we all do??
?No.? Buffy got up and took a few steps to the large tree beside the picnic 
table. She picked at the bark absently for a few moments before turning to 
face the Watcher again.
?I? I think I?m??
?Buffy?? Giles got up and went over to her. ?You don?t need to explain. Even 
the coven can feel the love you have for her.? He placed a tentative hand on 
her shoulder and stood firm when she collapsed against him, sobs wracking 
her body.



***

Willow?s eyes fluttered open, and she knew she was not alone. Even now, her 
friends hadn?t abandoned her.

She looked over to see Dawn, little Dawnie, who she remembered wanting to 
turn back into an energy ball, had taunted about her whining. She closed her 
eyes against the pain that swelled up inside her, making her whole body 
hurt. Everything hurt, hurt so much she welcomed the death that was slowly, 
too slowly, covering her.

Dawn was sitting in the chair so often occupied by Buffy. Sitting and 
watching the TV on mute. Willow realized that they were holding hands and it 
comforted her even as the pain continued to tear at her insides. The girl 
still thought she was asleep and she couldn?t find the strength to talk, not 
just yet. Willow looked toward the door and saw Xander just beyond it. He 
was taking off white gloves that she had been accustomed to them all 
wearing. She quinted against the light and saw him wipe his eyes. <He?s 
crying.> She thought and remembered him holding her after she tried to 
destroy the world.

Pain again. Blind, piercing pain in bright colors swept over her seeming to 
burn through her stomach. She let go of Dawn?s gloved hand and clutched her 
stomach, bringing the young girl?s attention away from the TV.

?Willow?? Dawn asked, the fear rising in her as she stood up and looked at 
the pained redhead.

Dawn glanced toward the door and saw that Xander was already gone, wanting 
to take a walk.

?Willow? I?m? it?s me, Dawn??

Willow grimaced against the pain. It felt like a war was being fought over 
possession of her body.

?I? Buffy?s talking to Giles? do you want me to get her??

Dawn reached out and softly placed her hand on Willow?s shoulder, letting 
her know that she was not alone.
Willow felt the hand and the pain subsided. Not substantially, but enough 
for Willow to find her voice.

?Dawn??
?Yeah, I?m here.?
?How can? why??
?What??
?Why are you here??

Dawn felt a stabbing pain in her belly. <She doesn?t want me here.> She 
thought and choked back tears.

?I? I?ll leave?? Dawn offered, her voice cracking.
?No? No don?t.?
?But??
?I? I don?t understand why you?re here.?

Again another stab of pain and Dawn couldn?t help the tears from falling 
down her cheeks.

?I-I?m sorry? I didn?t know you?? She swallowed and closed her eyes. ?I 
didn?t know you wouldn?t want me here.? She finally managed.

Willow opened her eyes and looked at the young girl standing beside her with 
her head down.

?Dawn I? I do want you here? I-I just? I don?t understand how? how you could 
still want to? be here? after? after what I?ve done.? It was hard work, but 
Willow was able to explain her question.

Dawn was taken aback. She thought Willow didn?t want her to be here, when 
in fact, Willow thought Dawn wouldn?t want to be there. It broke Dawn?s 
heart to see her like this.
She took Willow?s hand again and squeezed, squinting again against her own 
tears.

?I-I?ve been here almost everyday. I? You?re my friend? I love you? and? and 
I want to be here for you.?
?You? you don?t hate me?? Willow asked, closing her eyes against what she 
knew must be the truth.
?No. I? I understand I think?? She shook her head. ?I mean? I don?t 
understand how you felt? the magic? but? I understand how you could??

Dawn sat back in the chair, leaning forward so that her elbows were resting 
on the bed beside Willow.

?I never wanted to? I didn?t mean to?? Willow tried.
?Shhh. It?s over now. None of us hate you. We love you? we?ve been here 
everyday for you. Buffy hasn?t left your side for more than a couple hours 
at a time. She? made them let her sleep here at night??
?Buffy?? Willow questioned, knowing her friend had been there almost every 
single time she had woken up. ?I? I thought she wanted to make sure? make 
sure I died.?
?What?? Dawn was shocked.
?I? tried to kill her? I think I really wanted to.?
?I? I remember what you told her? but? the magicks??

Willow grimaced again as the pain reached into her head this time, sending 
white hot flashes across her mind trailed by ghostly images of fighting the 
Slayer.

?Willow?? Dawn sighed, never letting go of the redhead?s hand.
?It hurts?? Willow admitted against clenched teeth.
?I?m sorry.? Dawn whispered, fresh tears springing from her eyes.

After a few quiet moments, Willow relaxed again. She was getting sleepy and 
knew the darkness would come for her again. She wondered how long she had 
been out of it since talking to Buffy and Xander.

?I?m dying.? The witch said matter of factly.
?No??

Willow nodded, knowing the truth.

?I?m dying and? and??
?Don?t say that.? Dawn admonished. ?You?re going to get better. You have to? 
you?re? you can?t die.?
?Dawnie? there?s nothing??
?You?re not going to die!? Dawn shouted, shocking herself with the ferocity 
in her voice. ?I? I?m sorry Willow? I didn?t mean to??

Willow shook her head and Dawn quieted.

?Dawn? it?s best this way anyway.?
?No! You can?t say that. You?re not going to die damnit. I? I won?t let 
you?? Dawn wiped the tears from her face. ?Buffy? Buffy needs you? we all 
need you??
?No? it?ll be better when I?m gone.?
?You?re not going anywhere.? Buffy said, stepping into the room.

Willow opened her teary eyes and looked at Buffy.

?Buffy?? Dawn started.

Buffy came up behind her younger sister and hugged her close.

?Dawn?s right.? Buffy started. ?You?re not going to die? we all believe you 
can beat this? and you will. We love you, we need you.?
?The things I did?? Willow tried, going back to her old argument.
?Don?t care about that now.? Buffy said, cutting the witch off. ?I know you 
feel guilty? and? okay? not your best decision making skills so far? but? if 
you want us to hate you? if you want us to abandon you? then give it up. 
Because it?s not gonna happen.?
?But??
?Nope? not gonna here it.?

Buffy smoothed back the hair on Willow?s forehead and looked into her eyes.

?I know you won?t ask for forgiveness. And you don?t have to? because we 
forgive you? for any wrongs you think you?ve done against us? We?ll work 
through everything. We?ll never leave you?? She leaned closer and lowered 
her voice. ?I?ll never leave you? I?ll never give you up.?

Dawn extricated herself from the room, wanting her sister and Willow to have 
their privacy. She knew Willow?s feelings for the Slayer and had sensed 
something deeper from her sister in the weeks spent at the hospital and was 
pretty sure the conversation was taking on a more private tone. Buffy hardly 
noticed Dawn?s departure however, as she was preparing herself for something 
she had never confronted before.

***

[ Dawn inched into the corner, trying to melt into the wall in order to get 
away from Willow?s hurtful words. Willow, decked out in black hair and 
matching veins, stood in front of her menacingly.

?You need to back down and think a minute, Will.? Buffy said stepping into 
the room.
?Wasn?t gonna hurt her? Buzzkill.? Willow responded, rolling her eyes.
?She tried to turn me back?? Dawn started, tears rolling down her cheeks.
?You?re attacking the people who love you now?? Buffy asked, incredulously.
?Love?? Willow questioned. She rolled her eyes and then dismissed it. ?Only 
the ones in my way?? She finished.
?That?s not? you need help.?
?Doing fine on my own? thanks.? Willow quipped.
?Dawn.? Buffy reached for her sister. ?Get out of here. Go!?

Dawn ran to the door only to have it locked by Willow?s magic.

?Don?t. We?re all friends.? Willow stated, taking another step toward the 
Slayer.

Buffy looked at her magically juiced friend knowing she had to stop Willow 
now before things got worse.

?I know what you want to do Willow? but listen to me? the forces inside you 
are incredibly powerful. They?re strong? but you?re stronger. Just remember? 
you?re still Willow.?

Willow half turned, swinging her arms casually.

?Let me tell you something about Willow. She?s a loser.? The black haired 
witch said leaning closer. ?And she always has been. Everyone picked on 
Willow in junior high? high school? up until college with her stupid mousy 
ways? and now? Willow?s a junkie??
?I can help?? Buffy offered.
?Oh you think so Slayer?? Asked Willow stepping closer to her.
?Willow? you don?t have to??
?I don?t think I was finished.? Willow said sternly, cutting Buffy off.
?You know? Xander never payed attention to Willow when it counted? Oz 
cheated on her? then left?? She turned around, looking around the room as if 
this was an everyday conversation. Turning back toward Buffy, her face a 
mask of bitterness, she continued. ?Willow was in love with her best friend? 
with you? for? years? she was willing to die for you? and what thanks does 
she get? what?? She stopped herself and shrugged. ?But that doesn?t matter 
now does it? Was she really ever good for anything??

Willow looked past Buffy for a moment. The Slayer didn?t know what to say.

The witch turned her attention back on Buffy.

?The only thing Willow was ever good for?? Her facial expression changed 
slightly, almost as if she were waking up a bit. ?The only thing going for 
me? were those moments? just? moments? when Tara would look at me and I was 
wonderful.? She pauses, her face becoming hard again. ?And that will never 
happen again.?
?I know this hurts? bad? but Will? if you let loose with the magicks now? it 
will never end.? Tried Buffy.

Willow brightened.

?Promise?? She asked.
?You don?t want that.? Buffy stated.
?Why not??
?Because you?ll lose everything. Your friends, yourself? you let this 
control you and the worlds goes away. That?s not? Willow, there?s so much 
to??

Buffy paused and Willow narrowed her eyes, knowing the blonde was fishing 
for something better to say.

?Ack! Please! This is your pitch?? The witch questioned. ?You hate it here 
as much as I do. I?m just more honest about it.?
?That?s not true??

Willow made a face as if to say ?please, who are you fooling.?

?You?re trying to sell me on the world? The one where you lie to your 
friends when you?re not trying to kill them? and you screw a vampire just to 
feel? and insane asylums are the comfy alternative.?

Dawn stepped up beside her sister.

?Buffy it?s me!? Willow continued. ?I know you were happier in the ground? 
hanging with the worms. The only time you were ever at peace in your whole 
life is when you were dead? Until Willow brought you back.?

Willow paused. Buffy and Dawn began to feel faint and realized they were no 
longer at Racks, but in the Magic Box.

?You know? with magic.? Willow finished, smiling at Buffy and Dawn?s 
confusion. ?Sorry. It can be kind of a rough trip if you?re? you know? not 
me.?

Dawn fell to the ground disoriented.

?Dawn?? Buffy motioned to go to her but was stopped by Willow?s hand.

Buffy looked up and saw Willow?s eyes shift from the dark black back to 
green.

?I?m sorry I brought you back.? Willow said sadly. ?I have to do this now? 
don?t try to stop me?? She looked down, unable to meet the Slayer?s eyes. ?I 
love you with every once of me? but you were never mine. Tara?? Willow 
looked up again, her eyes turning back to black and her face hardening.

?Willow?? Buffy started but it was too late.

The witch turned toward Jonathan and Andrew who had stood up, leaning 
against the large bookcase behind them, fear evident on their faces.

?Jonathan. Andrew. You like magicks? don?t you??
She raised her hands above her head.

?Abra cadabra.? She said merrily before bringing her arms back down and 
blasting the two geeks with her power.

?Will?? Buffy said weakly before finally falling to the ground next to a 
still stunned Dawn. ]


***


?You have to listen to me now? can you do that?? Buffy asked, continuing to 
smooth the red hair away from Willow?s damp forehead.

The redhead nodded, feeling comforted by the touch of her best friend.

?Willow? this thing? the reason why you?re sick? there?s nothing else the 
doctors can do for you??
?I know? I?m dying.?

Buffy swallowed, hearing the muted click in her throat.

?You don?t have to.? She managed looking into the pale green eyes in front 
of her. Willow?s entire body had taken on a pale glow that was so common 
with the diseased and dying.
?Buffy?? The witch tried to argue, but Buffy wasn?t having it.
?No? you have to listen to me.?

Willow nodded and let the Slayer talk, never breaking the lock on her eyes.

?Giles could probably better explain this? but I? I wanted to tell you. This 
thing is? it?s like? it?s like your guilt and pain are killing you? it?s not 
something actually physical, I mean it is? but??
?I know? I can feel it? I? whenever I think about what I?ve done? the pain?? 
She grimaced as if in evidence.

Buffy stroked Willow?s temple and waited for her friend?s pain to subside.

?I?I? it hurts? but? I can feel something? like? something?s tugging? 
pulling back and forth inside me.?
?You have to fight it Will? You?re the only one who can beat this.?
?I? I can?t? I? I?m not sure I want to??
?No? you have to!?

Willow stared up at her best friend, noting the desperation in her features.

?But Buffy? what do I have? to live for??
?What??

Buffy closed her eyes and swallowed back the lump in her throat. This was 
becoming a sick routine with her.

?How? how can you ask that?? She questioned the redhead.
?All the things? Tara??
?No? I won?t listen to this anymore? I know you loved Tara? and I?m sorry 
she?s gone? but everything that?s happened? I told you? you can?t think of 
that now? It?s not even an issue right now? you have to know we forgive you? 
you have to know that we understand and won?t abandon you? we believe in 
you? Willow we need you? and maybe I?m being selfish here? but I can?t let 
you die? you have to fight this? please Willow? please don?t let it win? 
please. You have to want to live.?
?I don?t know how?? Willow looked away from the blonde finally, closing her 
eyes.
?Fight it Willow? please, you have to fight it??

Willow grimaced in pain again as the image of Tara?s dead body in her arms 
flashed across her features, followed by Warren?s struggling body, a scared 
Dawn, fighting Buffy, fighting Giles. The images kept coming and all she 
could do was squeeze her eyes shut even though they were in her own mind and 
strain against the pain that scratched its way across her skin.

Buffy saw her friend?s struggle and knew it was the grief and guilt tearing 
her up inside. She wasn?t sure if it would help, but she hoped telling 
Willow the truth might make a difference.

When the pain subsided and Willow slumped down, eyes still closed, Buffy 
leaned over and kissed Willow on the cheek, pausing by her ear to whisper 
soothing ?I?m right here?s? and ?it?s okays.?

Buffy felt her pulse and realized that it was becoming weaker. A glance at 
the heart monitor told her that time was short. The unsteady, weak rhythm of 
her friend?s heart was getting worse.

?Tell everyone?? Willow started suddenly. ?that I? that I love them? tell 
them I?m sorry??
?You can tell them yourself.? Buffy responded, not leaving the closeness of 
Willow?s neck. ?When you?re better.?
?Buffy? I?m dying? Soon, there?ll be nothing left of me??

Buffy shook her head. ?You can?t give up hope Will? you have to fight it.?
?Please Buff? leave? okay??
?What?? Buffy straightened up and looked down at her friend?s upturned face, 
tears streaming down her cheeks.
?Go on? you have to go now?? Willow sniffed, the sobs rising in her chest. 
??not too much longer??
?No? Will? please?? Buffy pleaded, the tears rolling from her eyes in thick 
drops, soaking the surgical mask beneath.
?I? I love you too much? to just have you come and see me waste away? to 
watch me die??
?Will don?t??
?Please Buffy? please, leave me alone? please? just leave??
?I-I can?t just? I??
?Please Buffy? this isn?t your job??

At that moment Buffy knew she had to tell Willow once and for all how she 
felt and why it was her job to sit vigil over the redhead no matter how much 
it hurt her inside and out, no matter what the doctors said, and no matter 
what the final outcome. Buffy hadn?t always been there for her best friend, 
but she would be now, no matter what. She had faith that Willow could fight 
this and win if only she tried.

?You listen to me Will.?
?Buffy??
?No? you just be quiet and listen to me now? give me this, please.?

Willow looked up at her friend, took in the free flowing tears and the 
desperation on her face, and realized that she sincerely needed to say 
whatever was on her mind. Fighting back the urge to push her friend further 
away so she could die alone like she thought she deserved, she relented and 
let Buffy speak.

When Buffy saw she would get no further protests she took a deep breath and 
prepared herself for one of the hardest things she would ever have to do.

?I? I?ve been such a fool Will? About everything. You were right? I hated it 
here? I?? Buffy shook her head, dismissing the line of thought. She would 
need to get to the point as soon as possible. ?Willow? you?re my best 
friend, nothing you?ve done has ever changed that? and nothing ever will.?
Buffy took a deep breath, letting the air fill her lungs completely before 
letting it out slowly. She looked Willow in the eyes and with every once of 
courage she could muster, told Willow the truth that she had only recently 
come by herself.

?You? Willow? I? I love you? like no one I?ve ever loved? with every once of 
my soul I love you. I?m in love with you and I never realized it. I?ve been 
so stupid? such a fool? I knew I loved you so long ago? but I never knew? 
never could??

Buffy saw the pained features of her best friend turn into a shocked stare.

?There is nothing I wouldn?t do for you? I realize now that? words can?t 
even begin to describe how much you mean to me? how much I love you? it 
hurts me? every inch of me? to see you like this? there is a constant ache 
in my heart? has been for awhile? and I was so stupid not to realize that it 
was because it was? I didn?t have you? Willow please? fight this? don?t die? 
live? for me? I love you so much it?s tearing me apart in side??

Buffy broke down, not able to fight the sobs that rose up inside her, she 
fell to her knees and sobbed, her hands and head still on the mattress 
beside Willow, who sat, dumbfounded at the news.

The redhead?s pain subsided and her heart leapt in her chest. <She? loves 
me.> A momentary guilt crept up only to be replaced by images of Buffy 
hugging her, comforting her, their gentle kiss, holding her during her 
withdrawals.

?Please don?t die? please don?t die?? Buffy sobbed endlessly as the sun set 
and Willow?s shaking hands trailed thin fingers through blonde hair.




"What is a poet? An unhappy person who conceals profound
anguish in his heart but whose lips are so formed that
as sighs and cries pass over them they sound like
beautiful music"
-Soren Kierkegaard


Willow: Oh Buffy, you really need to have every square inch of your ass 
kicked.
Buffy: Then show me what you got, and I'll show you what a Slayer really is.

Who the hell am *i* to capitalize myself?


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