End of the Month State of the Gutter and Woods Outback Report for August 2002

["Shadow" <Shadowlander1@xxxxxxx>]

TO: All department heads, United Vegetable Empire, and all other interested
parties.
FROM: Director of Public Safety
SUBJECT: End of the Month State of the Gutter and Woods Outback Report for
August 2002

Yes it is that time once again when we all gather to recap the mischief and
mayhem that some of our more intrepid List-sibs have gotten into without
inviting others to share in all the chaos created. While I have gotten
complaints from some Gutter and Woods Outback dwellers about not being
included in all of the mischief and mayhem, I must point out to those
individuals that most of the more?. ?interesting? activities involving the
known list troublemakers ? as it were ? are posted on the Gutter bulletin
board near the indoor waterfall in the lobby of the Gutter and Woods Outback
Shrine to All Things Sharp, Pointy and Destructive. With that said on with
the recap? and some of you out there have A LOT of explaining to do! ::
glares meaningfully at certain unnamed Gutter and Woods Outback dwellers ::

Item 1:
In regards to the rumour that the Woods Outback Veterinarian is some kind of
evilly insane demon that likes to torture defenceless forest creatures.
First off, if you guys think for a moment I?m going to believe ANY of you
are DEFENCELESS you?re crazy. Please, in the future when you are trying to
get petitions signed do not have the Shade Wearing Koala as the first name
on the list. Samuel is not even defenceless in his sleep. :: points to
incident report about a Koala assaulting an alarm clock with a double barrel
shotgun :: Granted the alarm clock going off at 3 in the morning was down
right evil of the person who reprogrammed it; the clock in question do not
warrant being blown into billions of little pieces nor having Sam reload
twice with armour piercing bullets to ensure it would not raise again
fearing the creation of the dreaded zombie alarm clock.

Second off, no matter how hard you guys protest? you have to go
and get your yearly check-up, if only to ensure none of the Commando Twit
Dullness has managed to jump species and infect forest animals and/or
humans. And yes that includes getting the booster shots, CTD {commando twit
dullness} is an evil heinous disease that has no cure ? only through
preventative vaccinations can we ensure it does not spread. While it has
not been scientifically proven ? yet ? it is generally accepted that CTD is
a key factor in people growing up and becoming accountants, High School
Principals and/or Vice-Principals, as well as being the leading cause of
politicians.

Item 1 Add-on:
Yes Samuel that means you still have go see the Gutter Vet and get your
check up? and no you can?t wear your Samurai gearing during the physical?
even if you are claiming to be a master Samurai Koala.

Item 2:
Radishes? hundreds of them all sliced, diced, and/or julienne was found in a
vacant lot near the old tuna packing plant in what appears to be a gangland
mass radish murder. Hey, I just report most of this stuff, I don?t try to
explain and/or rationalize any of it. Some things are just best left to the
United Vegetable Empire to deal with and/or explain. However, if I may make
a suggestion to Tater? blame it all on Rodrigo our ever absent and quite
made list-dad over on the BWW and BLW lists? he did it!

Item 3:
Regarding the sighting of vampire-penguins in the Woods Outback. While
there is no actual proof that these are the same penguins that Quin was
harbouring in his office, the situation is being looked into. Further,
since it is a well know fact that the vampire-penguin is a long and hated
enemy of the vampire-lemming? we got those little buggers now too. At least
report there as a mass of vampire-lemmings leaping off the roof of the
Sunnydale motor lodge and into an empty swimming pool, we can only surmise
that being vamps that they aren?t actually hurting themselves? much to the
eternal annoyance of the vampire-penguins I?m told.

Item 4:
Be aware of the necromancer that dwells near the demonic cabbages, while she
is friendly for the most part to strangers, she does have a deep Riley
hatred and does not see the humour in people mailing her Riley Fin action
figures? of course who does? Further, according to rumour, the necromancer
is apart of the small but determined ? and some would argue demented ? group
that has sworn to bring the way cool crossover of Buffy: the Vampire Slayer
and Dragonball Z to life! It?s alive, it?s alive I tell you?.. alive!!!!

Item 4 Add-on:
Small furry little mischief making bat arches an eyebrow at hyper other self
before reclaiming keyboard and shooing away double to continue with the
Gutter and Woods Outback report.

Item 5:
Regarding the reports of a Shade wearing Koala clad in samurai armour and
roaming the Ohio interstate in a neon coloured hover tank while blaring
Queen?s ?I Want It All?. Those reports are true? he was indeed tearing up
Ohio in a hover tank as well as organizing a tri-county cow-tipping raid
that lasted four nights. Further, there is an unconfirmed report that he
snuck into a small Ohio town and replaced all the road signs with ones
baring various Chinese curses and at least three dirty French limericks that
cannot be translated with a straight face. Although it has been confirmed
that he voluntarily left the state of Ohio and was not ? as previously
reported ? escorted off the North American continent in chains.

Item 6:
Will the person/persons responsible for encouraging the frisky dark slayer
to partake in ?naked hacker and cheerleader pouncing? please stop? Faith
doesn?t need your help in getting naked and pouncing on her favourite hacker
and/or cheerleader.

Item 7:
Regarding the confusion over the book entitled: ?Naked, I Came? ? apparently
the title is a metaphor for the inner child of a balding middle aged man
named Elmer and signifies his journey through a mid-life crisis. And is NOT
signifying naked naughtiness between the slayer and her hacker as was
originally hoped. The attack lawyers have been summoned ? we?re suing this
clown for getting our hopes up and for false advertising that title belongs
on a good naughty book and not on a self-exploration book. {Fight the urge
to comment on that one my dear twin? its just too easy to say aloud the rude
comment that just crossed your mind when reading item 7. Trust me? I made
it way too easy for you.} :: insert big wicked looking grin here ::

Item 8:
Regarding the CCTV {closed circuit television} equipment surrounding the
demonic cabbage patch. Those cameras have been there for ages; although,
technically they do belong to the UVE it has always been Gutter policy to
keep a rather close eye on them at all times. However, taunting the demonic
cabbages by dangling a cabbage patch doll over the pit is not common
practice, no matter how much a certain unnamed Harley riding Wolf and a
Shade wearing Koala who shall also remain nameless, think otherwise.

Item 9:
Regarding the Silent Panicky Gopher and his new little boy. As with the
birth of his first son, he will be packing pictures and he will be showing
them to anyone in eyesight? without warning. Like before just let him show
the pictures and ohh and ahh at the cute little rascal and he?ll leave you
be for the most part. However, unlike his first little picture showing
rampage, the Gopher has managed to get a laptop with Power Point loaded on
it ? and is now able to show HUNDREDS of snapshots of his little ones.

Item 9 Add-on:
Silent Panicky Gopher wearing a miner?s helmet looks up from his photo
sorting and sticks his tongue out at the furry little bat, before returning
to his work.

That is all? we now return you to your regularly scheduled fanfics.

Shadow -

Dir. of Pub. Safety of the SECoLGA and Chief Dungeon Keeper. Vampire Teddy
Bear and Flying Fox of the Woods Outback. The Big Bad and Little Comma.
Mistress of Mischief, corruptor of the innocent, tormentor of Quindolyn.
Founding Member of GWBNS - Hey, its a way of life! Dark MIstress of
Weirdness. Yang to Alex's Yin. Charter Member of the Hand of Chaos, member
of the Order of the Silver Claw of the Highland Werewolves of Gaia. Member
of the Questionably Sane Biker Were-Folk Assn. {QSBWFA}

"I do not brood... I reflect." - Unnamed Vampire Teddy Bear 03/2002

AIM screen name: WolfFalke
Yahoo screen name: drakesshadow
MSN messenger: Tankesly@xxxxxxxxxxx {Shadow}
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