FIC: Filling in the Gaps pt4a NC-17

["Red Willow" <reddwillow@xxxxxxxxxxx>]

Title: Filling in the Gaps
Author: Red Willow
Email: reddwillow@xxxxxxxxxxx
For Disclaimers and other info, please see part 1
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***

?I?m sorry.? I told her, my voice soft.
?Huh?? She turned to me, catching my chin with her fingers. ?What for??
?For?? I shook my head. ?For needing you so bad.? I shrugged, it sounded 
stupid when I said it.

Buffy turned me toward her and kissed me softly, barely tugging on my bottom 
lip before pulling away again.

?I?m not.? She smiled sweetly. ?I love making you feel good? I don?t care 
where we are.?
?We could?ve been seen.? I pointed out. ?We should?ve gone home, that?s what 
you wanted anyway.? I rested my head on her chest again, letting her run her 
fingers through my hair.
?We can still have fun at home.? She giggled and I knew I?d be up for it 
again when we got there. ?I?m totally ready for? whatever.?

I pulled back and looked at her.

?Oh gosh, Buffy? I?m such a dingbat??
?Huh??
?You must be all?? I ran my hand up her thigh, letting it rest between her 
legs. ??worked up.? I finished grinning.
?Ohh?? She closed her eyes and swallowed hard. ?Yeah? but? I kind of had my 
own? um? release?? She blushed.
?Really?? I was stunned, I had no idea.
She nodded. ?Just being up against you like that? kind of? uh??
?Oh?? I kissed her cheek. ?Still though? I know how easily you Slayers get 
worked up?? I joked.
?Hey! What do you know about other Slayers??
?Hmmm? only what you tell me?? I licked my lips and looked in her eyes.

She watched my tongue, following the pattern on her own lips.

?Just imagine what I?d be like if I had to slay something tonight.? Her 
voice was husky as she leaned her head in to catch my mouth. A few soft 
kisses and I broke away again.
?Oh? really? Maybe I should scare up a few vamps for you to dust??
?Oh, you?d like that huh??
?I love to watch you fight? and then? like Wednesday night??
?Oh yeah.?
?You were? insatiable? incredible??
?You weren?t so bad yourself?? She told me. She trailed her fingers up my 
neck, cupping my cheek.
?I can hold my own?? I whispered leaning into her touch as I slowly stroked 
my fingers against her inner thigh.
?Can I tell you something?? She held my free hand with hers.
?Always.? I left a soft kiss on the corner of her mouth.
?Riley? he could never keep up.? She shook her head.
?Well? you know? boys.? I shrugged, not sure why she was telling me this.
?No? I mean? maybe. But? he was always so competitive, you know?? I nodded 
that I remembered. ?Fighting? he could hold his own until? but in bed?? She 
smiled, but the look in her eyes told me she was more frustrated than 
anything. ?I couldn?t be myself with him, Will. I never let myself go, never 
felt satisfied, because he was so? he always wanted to be the one in 
control? maybe he figured he couldn?t best me in fighting so?? Again she 
shook her head, trying to find her words. ?We were always doing it, 
remember??

I remembered. Like were like bunnies, attached at the hip and always having 
sex. We had a whole haunting thing caused by them. Yes, I remembered it 
well.

?I know what you?re thinking.? She looked at me with a lopsided grin. 
?Lowell house thing right?? I nodded. ?I think? I mean? we just kept doing 
it right? But? I was never satisfied? and the house was feeding off us? but 
I think? we were somehow feeding off the house too? and? I still never felt 
satisfied, never full? because I never let myself totally go with him?? She 
took her hand away from my face and held her head up. ?This is so hard to 
explain.?

I took her hand away and turned her head to face me.

?I think I understand what you?re trying to tell me.?
?You do??
?I do. You were afraid to let yourself go? because you didn?t want to hurt 
him? didn?t want to run him off because he already felt? inadequate when he 
fought next to you. He was Mister Big Initiative guy and then? then he was 
just Riley, second best to The Slayer. He never stood a chance Buffy. Not 
with the way he was thinking.?

She nodded her head slowly before meeting my eyes again.

?How come I don?t feel like that with you Willow? How come I can let myself 
go completely with you and not worry??
?Maybe because you trust me? a-and you know I trust you? with my life. Maybe 
because we?ve loved each other so long? O-or? maybe just because I?m so damn 
good.? I gave her a bright smile and she grinned back.
?Yes you are.? She cupped my cheek again, pulling me in for another short 
kiss.
?Buffy? I never want you to hold back with me.? I gripped her hand and held 
it between us. ?Ever. I love you with every ounce of my being and I trust 
you implicitly. Never hold back? if I can?t take it? I-I?ll let you know? 
?cause let me tell you Missy, you?ve got some damn stamina going on!? I 
giggled and kissed our joined hands. ?But seriously, I never want you to 
hold back? give me what you got Slayer girl??

I captured her mouth once again, cutting off whatever she was about to say. 
I pushed my tongue against her lips and she parted them, inviting me inside. 
Our tongues met and I tightened my grip on her inner thigh as she slid her 
hand around to cup the back of my neck.

I got up and swung my leg around to straddle her, sitting in her lap. With 
my hands on either side of her face, and her hands on my waist, we continued 
kissing deeply, our mouths locked tight together and our tongues fighting 
for dominance, chasing back and forth. If I could only do one thing for the 
rest of my life, it would be to kiss Buffy Summers. My best friend, my 
lover, my protector and savior, my passion, my life.

She broke the kiss, panting against my neck as I left tiny kisses across her 
forehead.
?I love you so much Willow, you know that right?? She looked up at me, 
searching my eyes. I could see the sincere need to know etched all over her 
face.

I traced my fingers along her brow, down the slope of her nose, resting them 
on her lips.

?Even if you never ever told me again.? I told her. I kissed her cheek 
softly. ?I?d know because I feel it?? I took her hand placed it over my 
heart. ??here.? I kissed each eye gently. ?And I see it in the way you look 
at me.? I took her other hand from around my waist and held both her hands 
in mine. ?And in the way you touch me, the way you hold me.?

?God Willow? you are so?? She shook her head, closing her eyes. ?The things 
you say and do? I told you once tonight already? but I?? She opened her eyes 
and looked up at me again. ?You amaze me.?

?You?re the amazing one Buffy.? I told her. ?You?re the Slayer. You risk 
your life every night? a-and you?ve saved the world more times than I can 
remember. You?ve died twice and you?re still here kicking ass and-?
?That?s my job Will. I?m the Chosen One. Besides, I told you? I do it for 
you? in that I have no choice. But you? God Will, you?ve never backed down, 
not once. You?re out there, right beside me. You?ve saved my life and you 
don?t even realize it. You spend so much of your time helping me. You stayed 
in Sunnyhell when you could?ve gone anywhere. You don?t have super strength 
or Slayer healing? you?re just you??
?I can?t even use magicks anymore?? I said softly.
?No? you can?t, not now at least. But Willow? even before you got all 
powerful with the witchy? you were strong? you were there and you fought and 
we won, together. So many times I wanted to give it up? run away and be 
someone else, be someone? normal. But I know I can?t do that? I have to 
protect you? I have to fight to keep the world safe for you? a-and okay, 
there?s also that pesky problem that there?d be no one else to fill my 
place? but also because you give me strength to do my job. You, Xander, 
Giles? Dawn. You?re all normal people? and you fight the fight? you give me 
strength and a reason to keep on fighting. I?m not amazing Willow? I?m 
grateful.?

She held me against her, wrapping her arms around me and rested her head on 
my shoulder. I pulled my fingers through her soft blonde locks, slowly, 
feeling the silky smooth while inhaling the fruity shampoo she used. We 
stayed like that for a few tender moments lost in each other?s warmth and 
love. Goddess, how I love this woman, this beautiful ?chosen? creature that 
wrapped herself around my heart the day we met and made a home there.

?Will?? She began again softly.
?Hmm??
?There?s something else I need to tell you.?

Her voice was so soft, almost a whisper. The tone she used made me tense, 
she sounded scared, like she knew I wasn?t going to like what she had to 
tell me. I looked down into her eyes searching there for something that 
would clue me in, give me a sign that the trepidation in her voice, even in 
her body was my imagination.

?Okay?? I said slowly, leaning back but keeping my eyes on her.

She averted her gaze, looking to the side of us at some unknown fixed point.

?I didn?t really know how? how to tell you. I felt kinda weird about it??
?Buffy? just tell me, whatever it is.?

She took a deep breath, letting the air out slow before glancing up into my 
face, but she wouldn?t look me in the eye.

?Tara?? She looked away again.
?Tara?? My heart rate quickened. What could be so hard for Buffy to tell me 
that involved Tara?
?She? she came on to me? I mean? I?m pretty sure she did.?
?She??? I began but didn?t know what I wanted to ask.

My ex-girlfriend actually had the guts to come on to Buffy? Mixed emotions 
washed through me, pulling me in opposite directions. I wanted to be mad, 
to question how she could do that. Reminding myself that Tara had every 
right to pursue another relationship and that she didn?t know Buffy and I 
were together now, my anger subsided. On top of all that, I was almost 
proud of her for making a move on someone I knew she had a thing for but 
also someone she had admitted to having a tiny fear of. Buffy was the 
Slayer, killed nightly, and Tara found her to be bigger than life. The shy 
woman I knew was usually pretty intimidated around Buffy and it really 
surprised me that she would actually make a pass at her.

?God I?m really sorry I didn?t tell you Will?? Buffy said quickly, her words 
rushed and laced with a need for forgiveness. ?Nothing happened I promise!?

I caught her head in my hands, bringing her face back in front of me to look 
in her eyes. The fear and in her voice made my heartache to know that she 
feared losing me that much, that she lived and breathed our love and might 
crumble without it now that she finally had tasted it.

?I know.? I nodded. I knew Buffy good enough to know she wouldn?t have 
accepted Tara?s advances. ?It?s okay.?
?It?s? no Will??
?Shhh?? I ran my fingers through her hair and gave her a warm smile. ?Did 
you do anything?.
?No.? She shook her head vehemently.
?Nothing at all?? I continued to run my fingers through her hair, hoping to 
soothe her.

She shook her head again. Her eyes were locked on mine again as if in a 
trance. Looking toward me for the forgiveness she didn?t need and the 
acceptance she?d always find in my arms.
?Then why are you so worried?? I asked her in whisper before placing one 
soft kiss on her forehead, my lips lingering there for a few brief moments.
?You?re not mad?? She asked me after I pulled away to look at her again.
?Tell me what she did.? I told her without answering the question.
?Tell you?? She glanced away briefly before meeting my eyes again. I nodded 
for her to continue.
?Well she? she?? Her brow creased as if she was thinking how to tell me the 
details.

I wondered if something really major had happened that would cause Buffy so 
much turmoil, so much guilt and force her to think she couldn?t tell me.

?It wasn?t anything big?? She shook her head and paused, trying to wrap her 
brain around whatever it was Tara had done. ?Ya know? now that I?m telling 
you, it all sounds so stupid.? Her frown turned into a small, bemused smile 
and she shook her head.
?So?? I prompted.
?Hmm? okay, well? the first time she just kind of? did this.? She picked up 
my hand as if she were taking something out of it, brushing her fingertips 
over the back.
?Oh?? Classic. ?And then??
?Nothing until later? until? she was kind of close, like getting into my 
personal space. She had this look on her face? I never seen it before? it 
was??
?Seductive?? I asked, trying to picture the scene.
?Mmm? maybe.? She shook her head. ?No, more like? predatory.?
?P-predatory?? I sputtered.

I had known Tara to be sexy hot and sultry, and I could remember on several 
occasions her practically pouncing on me like a tiger. I never thought to 
call it predatory though.

Shrugging, Buffy continued, ?Maybe that?s too harsh? I?m not sure how to 
explain it. She ran her hand up my arm and promised this party would be a 
lot of fun? a-and I don?t think she meant it in an innocent fun way either.?
?Oh?? I took this new information in, again trying to process it, trying to 
decide if I should be mad at Tara or shrug it off. After all, I knew Buffy 
wouldn?t do anything with her, I knew it in my heart, knew it in the way she 
was scared to hurt me by telling me.

?So? that?s it then?? I asked, again running my hand through her silky hair.
She nodded her head twice.
?And you didn?t do anything??
?God no! Willow I?d never??
?Shhh?? I placed my lips on hers, kissing softly.
?It?s okay Buffy?? I pulled back. ?I?m just not sure why you didn?t tell 
me.?
?I? I was scared?? She shrugged and shook her head. ??Cause I?m an idiot.?
?You?re not an idiot.? I told her firmly. How many times would I have to 
point this out to her? How many times would I have to reassure her of her 
strengths that were solely Buffy and had nothing to do with the Slayer.

She didn?t say anything for a long time and I wasn?t sure what else to add 
to our conversation. She was obviously thinking things over her in head.

?Ya know?? She began again. ?I think mostly I was kindo shocked. I mean? 
well, you know how Tara is??
I nodded, remembering how even two years into our relationship I sometimes 
had to coax her out of her shell.
?She was facing a huge rejection Will? she didn?t know we were together, 
didn?t know I?d even have an interest in girls? and I think?? A smile crept 
onto her face. ?Don?t think I?m being all Slayerish when I say this but? I 
always thought she was kind of scared of me.?
?She is? or um, well she was.? I admitted.
?She?? really?? She was surprised to be so right in her assumption.
?Oh yeah? you so intimidate the hell out of her.?
?I? I do? I don?t mean to.?
?I know? it?s just, ya know? timid Tara and big bad Slayer killing things? 
and sometimes you come across as? well when you?re in Slayer mode especially 
you?re??
?I can be a real bitch, can?t I?? She was nodding her head as if she knew 
this all along.
?I-I wouldn?t exactly put it like that?? I traced my fingers down the slope 
of her nose. ?More like? take charge, I?m the Slayer? get out of my way and 
let me do my job!?
?Uh huh??

I giggled and leaned forward, leaving soft kisses on either side of her 
mouth. She smiled back, her eyes closed.

?I should probably tell you?? I began, leaving another lingering kiss on her 
lips before pulling back. ?There?s something else I know about Tara?? I 
trailed my fingers from her ear, down the side of her neck to rest on her 
shoulder, toying with her collar.
?Like?? She rubbed her cheek against my hand, her eyes still closed.
?She uh? she?s got this major? thing? which I?m not exactly sure how far it 
goes? cause? for all I know it could just be some lusty thing? a-and??
?Will?? She opened her eyes, prompting me to get to the point.
?Sorry? She? she had a major crush on you? o-or uh? I guess she still does??
?She does? and you knew??
I nodded. ?Buffy? why Tara and I broke up? I mean the real reason she left 
so suddenly? I mean, okay yes? big magick freak here? but? there were a lot 
of problems that we couldn?t resolve? I knew she had a thing for you? a-and 
I think she knew? I?m pretty sure she knew I was in love with you.?
?Oh?? Her surprised expression quickly turned into a grin. ?So you?re 
telling me that the two hot lesbians that lived in my house were lusting 
after me? and neither of you thought to invite me into the party??
?Buffy!? I shook my head, unable to hold my laughter in. ?You?re 
incorrigible!?
?So you keep telling me.? She quipped, holding me tight against her, both of 
us giggling.
?So? would you? I mean if we had asked? would you?ve?? I made tiny circles 
with my fingers, finding my way under the collar of her shirt to the bare 
skin below.
?Mmm? maybe.? She admitted, leaning her head back, exposing her neck.
?That would have been?? I didn?t finish though, letting my slow circles work 
up her neck. Her lips parted and I leaned toward her again to gently lick 
first her bottom, then her top lip with the tip of my tongue. Her own darted 
out and met mine briefly before I sat back up.
?Buffy,? I started, my tone taking on seriousness again, ? I-I don?t want 
you to ever feel like you can?t tell me something? okay? There have been too 
many secrets between us lately? and? I just need you to know you can trust 
me??
?I trust you.? She stated quickly, putting her head on my chest.

I held her head, kissing the top lightly before running my fingers back 
through her hair.

?We?ve been out here forever? maybe we should? go back.? I said softly after 
a few quiet moments.
?Mmm? maybe.? She nuzzled my neck with her nose, sending a shiver down my 
spine.
?At least find the phone and call a cab? I don?t think I feel like walking.?
?Okay.? She nodded, pulling back from me. ?Guess we should find Tara, tell 
her we?re leaving.
?I feel kind of bad? we really haven?t spent that much time at the party.?
?I?m sure they?ll get over it.? She grinned and caught my lips for another 
series of soft kisses.






"What is a poet? An unhappy person who conceals profound
anguish in his heart but whose lips are so formed that
as sighs and cries pass over them they sound like
beautiful music"
-Soren Kierkegaard

Memento Mori. Remember that you must die.


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