Fic - The Hardest Thing In This World 3/

["bardo4884" <bardo4884@xxxxxxxxxxxx>]

The Hardest Thing In This World 3/
Author: Leanne
Disclaimer: The following characters are not mine. They belong to 
rich people, and I am not one of those.
Spoilers: Everything up to As You Were and from there, Buffy and 
Willow have taken a different fork in the road.

Notes: It's been ages since the posting of chapter 2. I have been 
very naughty. Sorry to those who mentioned they were waiting for the 
next part.. here it is, for all it's worth. 

See posts #17971 & 18372 for chapters 1 and 2



The movie finished and Dawn took herself off to bed before Buffy got 
home. Willow went to the fridge to get another bottle of water, and 
went back into the lounge room. Still deep in thought, she heard 
Buffy coming in the back door. 

Buffy plopped down on the couch next to her best friend. Willow asked 
the slayer how her patrol went. After Buffy had given Willow the low 
down of the nights events, the slayer decided it was time. No more 
waiting. She had to let her best friend how much she meant to her.


"Will, I really need to talk to you"
"Sure Buffy, what's up, is there some kinda evil bad abrewin' we need 
to research?"
"No, this totally a non-shop talk"
"Oh. Ok"
"You know I've been full on bizzaro girl since I got back right, 
after I died?"
"Well, there have been a few times where you were a, a bit weird, but 
that's understandable, considering everything that's happened"

"That's the thing Will, I don't want it to be understandable, I want 
to be me again. I want to be Buffy, the same girl that used to hang 
out with my friends, the girl who used to know how to laugh. I don't 
want to be who I have been since I got back. And for that to happen, 
I need to tell you things that I should have told you before now, but 
couldn't."

Looking into the Slayers eyes Willow knew that what ever Buffy had to 
say was not going to be easy for her. She wanted to let her friend 
know she would be there for her no matter what. Reaching out and 
taking Buffy's hands in her own she said

"Buffy, I love you, and whatever you need to tell me, I'll listen. 
I've missed the old Buffy too, and if this is how I get her back then 
lets do it"

Willow knew that what ever was going to be said, her resurrection 
spell would be a big part of it. She was ready to accept everything 
that Buffy was going to throw at her, verbally and physically. She 
couldn't lay fault with the Slayer about that; who could. She weighed 
the argument in her head again, Heaven/Sunnydale, the 
Hellmouth/Paradise. She was ready to explain why she did what she 
did. It was time, she had held onto to those thoughts for far too 
long. Buffy's voice pulled her back into the lounge room. Her full 
attention was now on the blonde haired woman sitting next to her.

"I have so much to tell you and I'm really sorry it's taken this 
long, but I just wasn't ready before now."

Buffy took a deep breath hoping it would calm her frantic nerves but 
it wasn't working. What the hell, it was all or nothing. She was sick 
and tired of keeping her life bottled up. It was time. She continued.

"When I jumped off the tower into the portal, I knew what I was 
doing. I knew I wouldn't survive, but I had to do it. That was my 
gift. Death. That's what I figured out while I was up there with 
Dawn. So I did the hardest thing I ever had to do. I ran and I 
jumped. It was so scary Will, I knew I was going to die. As I fell, I 
just stopped thinking about everything and waited. You know what they 
say about your life flashing before your eyes? So not true. And the 
thing about leaving the house with clean underwear, REALLY not an 
issue, let me tell ya." She tried to lighten the mood, she didn't 
want the whole night to be doom and gloom.

"If there was ANY other way to close the portal, I would have done 
it. I didn't want to die. I didn't wanna leave everyone behind. But I 
knew what I had to do." The memories of that night started the tears 
she knew were waiting. 

Willow had already reached for the Kleenex and placed the box between 
them. She was seeing the night play over in her mind and the 
emotions, as raw as they were that night, flooded back to her too. 

Buffy discarded the first tissue and reached for another.

"At first it was weird, I had no idea what to expect. I was aware of 
what was happening, I knew I was dead, but it was different to the 
first time with the master. This time, I saw Mom; she was waiting for 
me. Just like the stories you hear, that's exactly how it is Will, I 
swear. She called out to me and I went to her. When we hugged, I knew 
where I was. It's like I had this knowing thing, and I knew that it 
was going to be ok. I was happy ? I guess content would be the word. 
I felt almost complete, there was this feeling surrounding me, it was 
like pure peace. Inner peace, y'know. It's so hard to describe `cause 
everything happens on the inside. Your soul is totally alive and 
that's what it's about I guess." 

Another tissue joined the growing pile. Willow sat and listened to 
what Buffy was revealing with mixed emotions.

"I had so much time to reflect on my life. I never knew I could think 
of so many if onlys. It was you I thought about most when I was 
there. You were the only regret in my life Will."

Taking Willow's hands in her own she looked into her eyes; she wanted 
Willow to feel what she was about to say.

"Willow, I'm in love with you. I love you with all that I am, and I 
wanted to tell you every single day, but I never could, I was scared. 
I lied to myself instead. I watched you be with Oz and then with 
Tara. I wanted to tell you, to touch you, but I always stopped 
myself. I distracted myself with slaying and then with Riley and 
whatever else I could find. I didn't know what you would do if I told 
you, so I didn't. I love you so much and now, I don't care what 
happens. I've been to Heaven and I know that no matter what, nothing 
could be worse than spending an eternity regretting never telling you 
how I feel."

Before Willow could interject, she continued.

"So, there I was, hangin' out in Heaven, thinking about you and me, 
and everything I screwed up in my life. Then it happened, I WAS back, 
I knew I had to tell you, but I was still pretty wigged out. I was 
waiting for the right time, I didn't want to put the pressure on you 
and Tara. All that time I spent thinking about you, us, and then, 
here I was, back, with you. I was waiting for the right time, but I 
was so screwed up, there never was a good time to tell you. I felt 
myself drifting further away from everyone. I wanted you to be happy, 
and you were. You were with Tara. So I kept quiet, again. I tried to 
distance myself from you, again. I hated doing that. When I came 
back I wanted you. I wanted to tell you how much I missed you, and 
instead of telling you, I let Spike get into my head. I confided in 
him. Stupid, yea I know. But I was so confused at being back home. I 
was going through some major stuff and I was afraid to talk to you. I 
didn't know how to put everything into words. He sucked me into his 
world and I let him. He almost made sense. I started hanging out with 
him on patrol. I don't know how it happened, and I am not really sure 
why it did."

Buffy knew the next part of the story was going to be the hardest to 
vocalise. Another big breath... This time she could not look at 
Willow, there was too much shame.

"One thing lead to another and we started fucking. I was stupid. I 
was so disgusted with myself, I tried to walk away from him, but he 
kept pulling me back. It was like he knew what strings to pull and he 
reeled me in. I wasn't even there for you when you needed me. I 
wanted to stop Will, I really did. I wanted to tell you, I needed 
your help, but I didn't tell you, I couldn't. Tara found out about it 
and she helped, a little. I was so ashamed; I couldn't bring myself 
to tell you. The night that Riley and Sam left, I realised I had to 
stop the freak show that was me and spike, and it worked. I've 
managed to stay out of his way. I had no feelings for him except 
hatred and repulsion. It's over now, I've stopped seeing him."

Glancing up at woman sitting beside her, she saw a look across her 
face she couldn't quite place, she finished her confession.

"So, that's it for "Buffy Summers, this is your life, part three"."

Feeling the pressure lift from her whole being, she waited for the 
barrage from Willow. Without any expectations, she lent back into the 
couch and closed her eyes. Letting the relief lift her to a new 
height. She had felt better in that single moment than she had since 
her return.

Willow was speechless, at first. She leant over and gave Buffy a hug. 
A hug to show her understanding, a hug to show her sympathy, a hug to 
let her know she wasn't alone. Not anymore. Buffy opened her eyes 
when she felt Willow's arms wrap around her. She was so thankful for 
that hug. The warmth coming from Willow was what she needed. That was 
one of the reasons why Buffy loved her so much. Willow always knew 
what she needed. That, and she had no choice in the matter. Even if 
she wanted to, she was pretty sure there was no way she could ever 
not love the woman that was Willow.

"Buffy, I don't know where to start" Willow was trying to gather her 
thoughts. 
"Will, please don't say anything, I know what I did was wrong and I 
will never get over the ewww that was Spike and me"
"No you don't!" Willow cut Buffy off there. She needed to tell Buffy 
a few things too. And now seemed like the opportune time to do just 
that. 

"You're not getting away with what you just told me that easily. I 
heard what you said, all of it! Firstly, I'm so sorry I didn't look 
into the spell further. I really am. I should have known better. But 
I missed you. And the reason I brought you back was because I 
couldn't let go. I tried. I used the thought that you may have been 
stuck in some Hell dimension as an excuse to look into bringing you 
back. The night you died, a part of me died too. I felt it. I was 
there with you, by your side for years, saving the world and then you 
were just... gone. I liked the woman you helped me grow up to be 
Buffy. Without you in my life, I don't know where or even who I might 
be right now. I owe you so much, including an explanation. I felt 
you, in me, with me, everyday you were gone. I could still feel you 
around. Not in a ghosty kinda way, but more in a connection. You took 
a part of me with you when you died. I felt that. I wanted to join 
you Buffy. I needed to find you. I wanted to be with you, but I 
stayed here. I stayed for Dawnie. She needed all of us when you died."

Buffy sat looking at Willow, wondering what it was she was saying. 
She watched as the tears streamed down her best friends' face.

"What I am trying to say Buffy is, I love you too. I'm not sorry 
you're alive, how could I be? But I'm sorry for how it had to happen. 
I am so sorry for dragging you out of Heaven. I really thought you 
were in some horrible, torturing, hell place, and I couldn't just 
leave you there. I don't ever want to lose you again. Ever. I have 
spent too much time worrying about telling you how I feel. That's not 
going to happen anymore. I love you Buffy. I have loved you forever."

Both women hugged like it was the last time there were ever going to 
see each other again. The released emotions were overwhelming both 
women. With tears streaking down all four cheeks, the blonde and the 
redhead were both processing the news they had just both received. Of 
course there was much more to say between them, but the important 
stuff was out there now. The "I love yous" had been shared and 
emotions were running high.

Buffy couldn't believe she had just told the woman she loved how she 
felt, and now she knew the woman she loved, loved her too. Through 
her tears, a smile started to spread. It was slowly sinking in, 
Willow loved her, she loved Willow. She pulled her face away from the 
damp shoulder her face had been resting on. Looking into green eyes, 
she lifted her hands to alabaster cheeks and started wiping away 
Willow's tears. The love and hope coming from those green eyes 
dissolved her fears and anguished. She leant in, she was going to 
show Willow just how much she was loved, parting her lips, she 
brushed them against the tear glistened lips before her. Buffy had 
kissed Willow a thousand times before, but that was always in her 
fantasies. Nothing could have prepared her for what was about to 
happen.




Tbc?