Repost: On Occasions 09- Bedroom

["mad-hamlet <Mad-Hamlet@xxxxxxx>" <Mad-Hamlet@xxxxxxx>]

On occasion: Willow's Bedroom

Disclaimer: The characters of Buffy: the vampire Slayer, belong to 
Joss Whedon, mutant enemy, Upn, and anyone else I can't think of at 
the moment. They do not, however, belong to me, and no profit was 
made in the making of this fic.

Subtext: Nah, it's maintext all the way. I'd give this an NC-17 
rating for the sex. If you're too young, come back when you're 
older. If you're adverse to woman on woman action...see the back up 
key? Hit it real quick. 

Flamers? Don't make me break out my 
asbestos underwear...they're really itchy.


This is the ninth part in the On occasion series...but seeing as it 
follows Bad girls and takes place during Consequences I thought I'd 
try a little different formula...let me know if it works.

Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick
and think of you
Caught up in circles confusion
Is nothing new
Flashback
warm nights
Almost left behind
Suitcase
of memories
Time after..
Sometimes you picture me
I'm walking too far ahead
You're calling to me
I can't hear
What you've said
Then you say, go slow
I fall behind,
The second hand unwinds
Chorus:
If you're lost you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting 
Time after time
If you're lost you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting 
I will be waiting!
Time after time
After my picture fades
and darkness has turned to gray
Watching through windows you're wondering if I'm 
okay. Secrets stolen from 
deep inside.
The drum beats out of time
If you're lost you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting 
Time after time
If you're lost you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting 
I will be waiting!
Time after time
You said go slow,
I fall behind 
The second hand unwinds
If you're lost you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting 
Time after time
If you're lost you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting 
I will be waiting!
Time after time
Cindy Lauper



Life as a fish is so simple. All they do is swim round and round in 
their bowl waiting for someone to feed them, and occasionally change 
their water. They don't have thoughts, or hopes, or feelings. At 
least, I don't think they do; and even if they did, they wouldn't 
have any way to express them, unless they're telepathic...oooh, that 
would be cool...but I don't think so. They'd probably be really 
simple, like...

"I'm so happy my water is clean', 
'oh, is that food?', 

or 


'Look, I'm hiding in my castle'.

They wouldn't be the mixed up mess of conflicting emotions we humans 
are subjected to on a daily basis. I can't see a fish pondering 
whether or not his swiming buddy really liked him. 

If only I could be a fish. 

I'd be happily swimming in my little fish 
bowl, not a care in the world except for when my swimming buddy bites 
me on my tail. Nope. Not me. I'm not that lucky. I just get to 
watch the two sparkling orange goldfish swim aimlessly, while my 
stomach swims along with them. When did life get so complicated? I 
could start at the beginning, like when Buffy first moved to 
Sunnydale. That sure added a whole slew of complications to my 
admittedly amebic-like life. Before she came all I had to worry 
about was Cordelia picking on me in the halls...or the fact that 
Xander had the attention span of a two-year old high on sugar. But 
then that would just be the icing on the cake.
So...when? 

After the Master? 

After Angelus? 

After...that first kiss, at the sleepover...when we...that certainly 
was unexpected. Buffy and I...who could have predicted that? Well, 
nobody considering nobody else knew. Well, nobody except for 
Angel...and he doesn't exactly count.

So...unpredictable...completely unlooked for and yet...just thinking 
about her makes this place in my stomach feel all squishy. Which is 
unfortunate, because I'm trying really hard to stay mad at her. How 
could she do this to me? First Buffy completely skips out on a study 
date we were supposed to have to go Slaying with...her. 

Not that I take her duties as a Slayer lightly...I don't. But I was 
really looking forward to those after study smoochies. And then, she 
skipped out of class in the middle of a really important 
test...again...with her. I presume they were going Slaying...again. 
Which is fine..except that she used to trust me to guard her back...I 
used to go with her all the time. But now Buffy says it's too 
dangerous?

I suppose I should have talked to her when she approached me in the 
hall this morning, I mean she looked all nervous and...and somber, 
but I didn't exactly know what to say. And I was still mad at 
her...am still mad at her...and that makes me feel even more mad 
because feeling mad just makes me feel icky. I don't like feeling 
angry, but I especially don't like feeling angry at Buffy. It 
hurts. Which just makes me even more angry. Darn vicious cycles.
Oh well. Thinking about her isn't going to get my homework done any 
faster. I still have to do it, even though she can blithely ignore 
assignments. She's the Slayer...she has more important things to 
do. But not me. See...there's my laptop, set up on my desk, just 
waiting for me. Sometimes it's just not easy being me. Being a 
straight A student takes hard work, and dedication...especially when 
you're fighting vampires as a sideline. Something I think Buffy has 
forgotten.

A tap at my french doors. I must have jumped three feet. Boy, I'm 
wired. Totally. I can feel my heart trying to beat it's way out of 
my ribcage. Well, considering the creatures of the night don't 
usually knock, I don't think it would hurt to answer it...after all, 
only a few people would bother to try to get my attention from this 
route. Xander usually just rings the doorbell. Angel came to these 
same doors last year...before he turned all evil. 

But he doesn't really have a reason to come see me, at least I don't 
think he does. Which leaves just one possibility. The person I've 
been thinking about all evening, that's got my head spinning in such 
savage circles.

I see her form outlined behind the curtains. Buffy! 

My heart almost skips a happy beat at the very thought of her, but 
then I dampen that elated urge, reminding myself that I'm still 
really grouchy with her at the moment. But I don't want to be. I'd 
much rather be happy with Buffy. To feel her kisses on my neck, to 
look into those shining blue eyes and feel the warm sunshine of her 
smile on my face, surrounding me with bliss. I want the blissful 
Buffy back. Not the absentee Buffy that's taken her place.

Oh, why does life have to be so complicated. Why can't the night 
last forever...to be a fish... yeah. To be a fish. But that would 
mean no Buffy. That thought is totally depressing, but I can't think 
about that now.. She's waiting and I have to open the door. We'll 
work this out..we..we have to. 

I open the door and she stands there waiting for something. I'm not 
quite sure what she's waiting for. She doesn't look happy, but I 
suppose neither do I. "Hey." She mumbles, and I can barely make out 
the word, although I know she spoke cause I can see her lips moving.

I think I answered back, because she kind of nodded, looking me over 
with her eyes. "Can...can I come in?" 

It's kind of funny, but the last time I answered that question in the 
affirmative, it lead to the death of my goldfish. Not that I'm 
comparing Buffy to Angel...for one thing, she would never kill my 
goldfish. And she's never tried to hurt me...at least...not 
intentionally. I attempt to keep this in 
mind as I let her in.She walks over to the bed, looking more nervous 
than I've ever seen her...and that's saying a lot considering her ex-
boyfriend, who just happened to be a vampire, had at one time tried 
to kill us.

Sitting on the bed, she looks at me, and I can feel something is off 
with her. I'm not quite sure what that something is, but it's 
starting to make me nervous.

"I need to talk to you." She says quietly, with hardly any tone in 
her voice, and now I'm really nervous. Conversations that start that 
way never end well. What could it be? She's been spending a lot of 
time with Faith recently, so maybe...no...please don't let it be 
that. She can't possibly want to...I feel like my brain is going to 
explode, or just stop functioning. I have to...have to start 
talking. Yeah, that's it...maybe if I talk she won't have a chance 
to say what she wants to say.

"Good." I can hear my own voice in my head...funny how that 
happens. I wonder if she can hear how badly it's trembling. "Cause 
I've been letting things fester. And I don't like it. I wanna be 
fester-free."

Fester-free? What kind of thing is that to say? What 
if Buffy takes it the wrong way...what if she thinks that I want to 
break up?

She's smiling at me, but it's not her usual 'devil-may-care I'll 
stake him on Saturday' kind of grin, it's more of a 'I hope she 
doesn't take this too badly' kind. Or, maybe my imagination is just 
running away from me. "Yeah. Me, too." 

Me too? Me too what? My mind goes swiftly back over our 
conversation. Oh...the fester-free 
part. 

Oh goddess, I think I'm going to be sick. My hands are 
shaking and I have to clasp them together to keep her from noticing. 
Please don't let her mean that she wants to...I don't want her to lea-
...to break up...I don't want to be fester-free that way. Got to keep 
talking.

"I mean, don't get me wrong. I-I completely understand why you and 
Faith have been doing the bonding thing." I wince internally. Poor 
choice of words. That brings to mind a whole other type of imagery 
I'd rather not think about...like Buffy in chains...and Faith dressed 
completely in black leather, carrying a whip, and laughing 
seductively as she runs the peice of leather up and down 
Buffy's...no, no no, can't go there. 

"You guys work together. You... You should get along." 

Who am I trying to convince here, her or me?

'Its more complicated than that." Her voice is small and I barely 
hear her through the swarm of doubts running through my own head. 
But I hear just enough to increase their pitch. A flurry of 
questions explode in my brain.

Complicated? 

It's complicated?

How long has it been complicated Buffy? 

And why haven't you told me? 

I can't stop the avalanche of thought that seem insistent on making 
it's prescence known. My imagination is oh so handy at handing me 
images of Buffy and Faith wrapped up together in some sort of steamy 
tryst. My heart aches at every scene. 

She's just sitting there on my bed, looking like she has a million 
things to say but isn't quite sure whether she can, or wants to say 
them. And all of a sudden, I'm mad...more mad than I've ever been 
before. Which is kind of scary, considering my total aversion to 
that whole anger emotion, but I'm also not just going to sit back and 
take this. 

Not anymore.

"I'm ticked!" I say firmly, standing up, and Buffy's startled into 
looking at me instead of her pant leg. "I'm ticked and I'm not 
ashamed of being ticked. Do you know why?" I say, even though I am a 
little bit...ashamed that is...just seeing Buffy get that pinched, 
regretful look on her face makes me be ashamed, but I'm past the 
point of stopping.

"Willow?" Buffy's staring at me. Good. Finally I have her full 
attention focused solely on me. For the first time in..how long? 
But..but oooo this isn't the kind of attention I wanted. I want the 
other kind the..soft kind...the sweet smiles and the loving 
gazes...and- 

No. No, we have something to say and by gum we're going to say it!

"I'll tell you what's ticking me off!" Buffy looks down at her hands 
again and I know what she's going to say. Or..at least I think I do. 
Her face says it all. That's her..uhm..what...what...oh yeah, she's 
putting on her 'You can't understand' mask. I can't stand that mask. 
It makes my stomach boil.

"It's that exact thing that-that's just ticking me off!" I say 
loudly, pointing my finger in her face. She jumps a bit, startled at 
my outburst, but I'm on a roll. "It's this whole 'Slayers only' 
attitude. I mean, since when wouldn't I understand? You, you talk to 
me about *everything*. I used to be the one you would always turn to 
Buffy, remember? And now, now you bring all your problems to Faith. 
That hurts! That hurts a lot! Ever since we...we...I-it's like all 
of a sudden I-I'm not cool enough for you because I can't kill things 
with my bare hands."

As the words 'bare hands' exits my mouth I see Buffy flinch, hard, 
like I'd just slapped her. She...she shrank away from me. I scared 
her? I scared the girl I love and somehow said something bad? What 
did I say? Something about...killing something...with 
my...bare...hands? What? I'm so confused. I don't think this is 
about what I thought it was about at all. I take a brief moment to 
really notice Buffy for the first time since she arrived.

Her lower lip is trembling and the glassy, watery eyes she's been 
giving me since she got here, but foolish me never took the time to 
notice, spills over. She dissolves right in front of me...just 
slides down onto the bed, her arms holding her chest tightly, while 
she sobs uncontrollably. I did this. I hurt her. I can't believe I 
hurt her. But...but I...I didn't mean too!
I can't take it. My Buffy...crying. I have to stop it...I have to 
help her. 

"Oh! Oh, Buffy! Don't cry." Crawling onto the bed, I wrap 
my arm around her shaking body. She buries her head in my shoulder, 
her tears wetting my shirt. "I'm sorry. I-I was too hard on you. 
Sometimes I unleash. I-I don't know my own strength. I-i-it's bad. I-
I-I'm bad. I'm a bad, bad, bad person." 


I feel her shake her head against my shoulder. "No." She croaks, 
and I can hear the tears in her voice. "You...you're not bad. You 
could never be bad." Buffy denies vehemently. "I'm the bad one."


I'm not sure what to think at this point. "What do you mean, 
Buffy?" I ask gently, trying to understand.

"Will, I'm in trouble." 

I'm looking into her eyes as she says this, and for a moment I can 
barely breathe, struck by the sheer terror and sadness radiating from 
those blue eyes. How could I have missed the pain that she was in? 
What could possibly have happened to make her look like this? Were 
all of our friends okay?

What about her mother? I have too many questions and no real 
answers. I can feel her muscles, shuddering with tension underneath 
my hands, I can feel her fear and it's becoming my fear as well. I..I 
want to move..to go..have to..why? Don't care. Oh Goddess. I have to 
ask, though at this point I'm not sure I want to. But we're both 
here, and we have to handle this together.

"What happened Buffy?" Her blue eyes are foggy and I can see that 
she's struggling with her decision of whether or not to tell me, part 
of her fear is trapping something inside...but I'm right on top of 
her...I do the only thing I can think of...not thinking really; 
instinct has taken over. I gently stroke the side of her face. Then 
just do it again not letting her look away. 

"Okay." I whisper, still touching her softly. "Okay." I repeat. Our 
eyes are locked, mine into hers, hers into mine, sharing each other's 
emotions through direct eye contact, almost like a link to each 
other's souls. 

Her face is wet and a little clammy but I don't stop stroking her 
cheeks. I wipe away the tears and try and warm her up with my 
hand. "Okay." I keep saying and she begins to nod. 
"O-" she stops, swallows and wets her lips. "Okay." She says back to 
me. 

I don't stop stroking her, but I don't say anything else either. I'll 
just give her the time she needs to say...whatever it is. I hope she 
hurries though; I'm so scared.

Slowly, staggeringly, she tells it...all of it...and at times it's 
hard to hear, hard to believe that Buffy...My Buffy...could have 
taken part in the events she relates...breaking in to that weapons 
shop...busting out of that cop car. It isn't easy for her either. 
Sometimes she stops...to catch her breath...or evaluate how I'm 
taking everything. I nod encouragingly, never losing eye contact so 
she can see that I'm really listening. That I'm here for her.
Then she reaches the part about the alley, about Faith and the Deputy 
Mayor. 

I feel like I'm going to be sick as I listen to Buffy's 
gruesome descriptions...the way he had looked at them in shock, hands 
clutching at the stake protruding from his chest, feeling his life 
slip away. Buffy's futile attempt to stop it. My heart breaks as 
fresh tears slip down her cheeks, and she breaks eye contact, 
probably feeling that now I'd want nothing to do with her.

I hug her tightly to let her know that I'm not going anywhere, and I 
feel her arms wrap convulsively tight around me. For a second I'm 
worried that I won't be able to breathe, but then they loosen, 
settling more comfortably around me, and we just lay there comforting 
each other, and thinking about what was said, but not actually saying 
anything.

"You know, it wasn't your fault." I tell her finally, after we'd laid 
in silence for what seemed like an eternity. I hear her snort self-
derisively and give her a slight pinch.

"Hey." She protests, but I ignore the remark. 

"You know you can't carry the weight of the world on your shoulders 
for everybody. It was an accident. That alley was dark, you didn't 
know he wasn't a vampire until the very last second...and by then it 
was too late."

"That doesn't change the fact that we killed a man." The self-blame 
in Buffy's voice made me cringe.

"Faith killed a man...you tried to stop her." I tried to reason with 
her...even though I knew reasoning with her at this point would be 
pointless. She would still feel the guilt of that man's death for a 
long time to come.

"Doesn't matter. He's still dead." Buffy said, tonelessly. "What 
am I going to do?" She asks me, and my heart rate picks up. 
I know 
she's looking to me for answers...I've always been her 'Answer 
girl'. It's just, I'm not quite sure what to think at this point. 
This is so heavy. Apparently her question is mirrored in my face, 
because I see her slump in defeat.

"Everything is such a mess." Buffy sighs, and then she looks at me, 
like she's truly seeing me for the first time tonight. I feel a 
little worry knot in my stomach starting to tighten as she studies 
me, almost reflectively, and I can only wonder what she's thinking. 
I can tell by the hidden shadows in her eyes that it isn't 
good. "How can you stand to be around me? All I ever do is bring 
you trouble."


I blink...shocked a little, even though I had known it wasn't going 
to be good, somehow I hadn't quite expected that. And then suddenly, 
my self doubts and worries earlier come back around full circle. 
Only instead of it being me finding myself lacking, not thrilling 
enough to hang with the Slayer, Buffy is wondering whether she's good 
enough to be around me? 

"How can you say that?" I ask, caught 
somewhere in the conflicting emotions of being angry, sympathetic and 
hurt. Very odd combination. "How can you even think that?!"


Buffy tries to shy away from the question, feining to find the 
section of my bedroom wall nearest her head incredibly fascinating, 
but I'm not about to let her escape. I think this conversation has 
waited long enough. 

"And here I was worrying earlier that you didn't 
want to be around me, anymore." My voice is quiet, rueful, but the 
words capture her attention. Blue eyes hit mine and I can see the 
shock deep within their depths. 

"Wh-what?" She manages to stutter, her voice a barely controlled 
squeek. She shakes her head aggresively, almost like she's trying to 
clear it from the fog it's been in, then looks at me, again, a look 
of such utter regret, that it causes physical pain. 

"No...I...god no..I.." She stops, I think to collect her wits, and 
then her hand is slowly, gently caressing my face, as if she's found 
something extraordinarily rare and precious. 

"I don't know what I'd do without you, Will." She says softly, so 
softly I can barely hear her. I can 
feel her fingers stroking my cheek, no discernible pattern to the 
touch, just unceasing soft movement. "I know I've been the absentee 
friend lately...It's just that..." She shakes her head, cutting 
herself off. "I'm so sorry."

My head feels muddled. I'm so confused...and the tickling sensations 
of her fingers on my face aren't helping my concentration, but...I 
think I'm getting close to something. Something she's been trying to 
hide from me. 

"Just what, Buffy?"

Her eyes leave mine, and take a sudden interest in what her fingers 
are doing. She swallows hard, and I think I can see sweat starting 
to glisten on her skin.

"It's just that...I think I'm going to lose 
you anyway." I didn't hear that. I can't possibly have heard that 
right. What? She starts talking again before I can question her.

"You're brilliant Willow! You can go to any college you want, they 
all want you. Me...I'll be lucky if I graduate high school. My 
grades should be nuked. What college in their right mind would want 
me? Not that it matters...it's not like I can leave Sunnydale. Big 
future as the Slayer ahead of me...ever notice that the Watcher's 
council doesn't have a retirement plan?" 

"You...you think I would...leave you here to go to college?" I blink 
at her, suddenly aware of where her insecurity is coming from...all 
that talk about colleges pitching woo. I shouldn't have done 
it...especially in front of her...it's just that it was so flattering 
to get letters from all the big name schools. Imagine...me, little 
Willow Rosenberg getting a letter from Harvard.

"I would...if I were you. Given the chance...I'd get as far away 
from Sunnydale as I could. Leave all this pesky danger and vampires 
behind. So, what school seeking the brilliant mind of Willow 
Rosenberg is the farthest away? Harvard? Yale? You know you would 
make an excellant doctor...or a lawyer." Her tone toward the end is 
nearly perky, and she's pinned a huge, cheerful grin on her face, but 
it doesn't quite reach her eyes.

I see and hear the pain behind the false brightness. I can only 
imagine how much this has eaten at her...fearing that I'd go away and 
forget her...wishing she could change fate. Though how she could 
think that I'd actually do that is beyond me. I love her too much to 
ever want to leave. 

But then, have I ever really told her? I remember being so excited 
by those letters. They must have really shook Buffy's faith. Shook 
it so much that she'd give up entirely, and give in to Faith's pull 
toward the wilder side of being the Slayer.


Well, I can't let her keep thinking that. Look at all the trouble 
it's caused her already. I'll just simply have to make her see that 
I don't plan to leave her...ever. 

"Actually...I was...kind of thinking of going to U.C. Sunnydale." I 
say calmly.

She stares at me for the longest time, the little niche in her 
eyebrow standing out as her brow furrows, as if she can't quite 
believe what I just said. 

"You..." She opens her mouth, closes it, 
shakes her head, then raises an eyebrow at me. "Did you just 
say..." She trails off again, and I simply nod at her. Her eyes 
open wide, her jaw nearly hits the floor and I swear if she gets any 
paler she'll be nearly transparent. 

"Buffy...breathe." I tell her, 
half afraid she'll pass out. Very slowly a smile is nudged out of 
hiding, tiptoeing across her face as if afraid to be noticed. Her 
eyes take on an inner gleam, and they are happier than I've seen them 
all night...all week really. But then, inexpicably, the smile 
disappears and she starts shaking her head at me,regretfully. 

"Willow you can't." 

"What do you mean I can't?" I ask her, not quite believing she 
actually said that. Oooh, she just makes my blood boil. Buffy can be 
so dense sometimes.

"I can't let you stay here because of me. All those schools want 
you...and I know you can get in...easily." The discouraged slump is 
starting to overtake her body again, and that just makes me even 
madder.

"When are you going to get it?" I ask, leaning into her face. She's 
shocked by the sudden movement, but she doesn't flinch. "They may 
want me, but I don't want them. I want to stay here, with you. I 
want to be with you...for as long as we have...hopefully 
forever...but if not...I'll take what I can get. I'm not greedy. 
Just...don't send me away. I need you too much."


Her eyes are shiny with unshed tears, as she strokes up my face, 
tucking an errant strand of hair behind my ear. She mumbles 
something that I don't quite catch. "What?" I whisper, watching 
mesmerized as her lips move, but either I'm too distracted by her 
fingers questing exploration of my ear, or she said it too softly 
again. "Speak up Buffy, I can't hear you." 

She's silent for a moment, intent only on her subtle explorations, 
then takes a deep breath and looks up at me. "I don't mind greedy."

I can't think of a reply to that, but it doesn't seem to matter. I 
lay my head on her chest, and hear her heart beat. I feel her arms 
wrap snugly around me, pulling me, if at all possible, closer, and 
suddenly I'm content. For the first time in two weeks I'm 
absolutely, one hundred percent content. Why? Well, I'm not really 
sure. Could be because we just aired all our doubts and fears, you 
know, got them out in the open. Someone once told me that fears get 
bigger if you keep them locked up, and now I know that it's true, 
because they don't seem so big anymore. Even though Buffy's is 
certainly serious, and not to mention, a little scary...I know if we 
go to Giles things will be all right. Some how we'll find a way. I 
think she feels better having someone to talk to about them. The 
tension that was vibrating through her when she arrived, making her 
shoulder's all tense and wiry, has begun to ease away. She's 
here...lying on my bed. Her heart beat is sounding a low and steady 
thump-thump under my ear. It feels so good to be in her arms again. 
So...right. I've found my place with her again...I think she has 
too, with me. 

I lie there, listening to her breathe. 
In...out...in...out...in...out...it's soothing. Her hand slides up 
my back leaving tingles behind and her fingertips knead and massage 
the back of my neck. Oh, that feels good. I purr and snuggle 
closer. 

"I missed this." I say, and somehow my voice conveys every 
meaning. The closeness, the snugglies. I've missed it all. I feel 
a gentle kiss on my forehead, and then the tickling sensation of her 
finger running down my cheek, until it's under my chin, nudging me to 
look up at her.

"I missed this more." She whispers, her eyes intent on my face as she 
inches closer. I close my eyes, and wait for the kiss to happen, 
cause it's going to...any second now...she's not that far away...and 
yet...wait...when...mmmmm...heaven!

Did I just whimper? Cause, I think I just whimpered, but I can't 
help it...she feels so good...and it's been so long and...my parents 
are downstairs...I've got to be quiet...but, how can I be quiet when 
she's kissing my neck like that? Mmmmm. See? Just did it again!

Her hand has slipped inside my shirt, fingers gliding over my back, 
tickling up my spine...goddess that feels so...My eyes snap 
open. "Buffy." I whisper, I have to stop nibbling at her neck to 
speak and, darnit, I don't want to. 

"Gnnn.." She replies, too interested in what she's doing to bother to 
make any sense. Gnnn? Gnnnn? What is Gnnnn anyway? Well, she sounds 
happy enough. Her hand sliding under my shirt certainly is proof of 
how happy she suddenly has become. And I'm happy too. Wow. Of course, 
I'd be happier still if she'd...Whoa! Hold it...PAUSE!! Parents. 
Damnit. Why'd they have to be home for once? I want a happy!
My inner conflict prevents me from speaking, and not hearing an 
answer Buffy continues what she's doing. Which is good because I 
really don't want to stop...but bad because I know we have to. "Mmm, 
Buffy." I say again, desperately...her hand is starting to move 
higher...tickleing along my sides...teasing toward the underside of 
my bra...and I'm losing my will to stop her.

"Will?" She breathes into my ear. Whoa! Goosebumps!

"Ulp." I think I swallowed my tongue.

"You wanted to say something?" Buffy murmers, gently nursing on my 
earlobe. Tingles...lots and lots of...tingles.
I was? What was I going to say? "I...think...that is..uh.." Her 
tongue touches me behind my ear. Oh...goddess.."Nope, not a thing."

I squeak, throwing caution to the wind. To heck with it.
"Good." Buffy murmurs, seizing my lips again. I'm 
lost...completely, wonderfully lost. Or is that found? Either way, 
my brain is way too fuzzy to decide. Our tongues battle each other, 
and I'm enraptured by the sweet taste of her, drinking in her groans 
of delight, as my fingers search out the soft, silky strands of her 
hair, my lifeline to reality as our kisses threaten to sweep me 
away. Oh how I've missed her...missed this so much. My heart is 
beating faster, I can feel it pounding in my chest as it's filled 
with the love she makes me feel. 

"Let's never fight again." Buffy pleads breathlessly, through our 
kisses.

"Were we fighting?" I ask, equally as breathless, trying to remember 
the conflict she mentioned. It's becoming a faint and distant memory 
for me. She breaks off from the kiss. "Nnnnn.." I whimper at the 
loss of contact, but then she's looking at me so I rapidly search my 
memory. "Oh yeah." I grin sheepishly. "But you know...there's 
gotta be something said for the making up part." 

"I love the making up part." She returns my grin rakishly and I feel 
my heart accelerate at the shear force of the passion in her gaze.

"Yeah...but...umm...Buffy..." I'm suddenly nervous of the look in 
her eyes, not to mention the ugly thought of my parents proximity and 
my fear of them catching us.

"Yeah, Will." She whispers, her eyes never leaving my face as her 
fingers begin to retrace their earlier path across my face. The 
touch is so light I barely feel it, and yet I know they are there, 
ghosting over my skin and leaving pleasant shivers in their wake.

"We...we can't...you know...cause of my parents...and the catching us 
thing...isn't exactly pleasant." I finally take my courage in my 
hands and spit it out, and I can't believe I actually said it. I 
prepare myself to accept the disappointment of defeat, not to mention 
the loss of the warm and friendly snugglies, before I look at her 
face, expecting to see her eyes get all disappointed and her face 
start that adorable pout.

But she hasn't lost that rakish grin...if anything...gulp...it's 
gotten wider. "Aww, come on, Will...where's that adventurous 
spirit? It didn't stop you, did it?" She says, her fingers tracing a 
trail down my throat, causing me to gulp. And then her words hit 
me. What can she...? Oh. I think I actually paled, cause she's 
chuckling at me, very seductively too I might add. She can't 
mean...during christmas...on the couch...with her mother..right in 
the room. Oh boy...I'm in trouble.

"But...but that was different...I was getting you back...for the 
Bronze..." I splutter, knowing it won't do me any good. Buffy only 
chuckles harder at that.

"You know...you're very cute when you're flustered." She comments, 
her eyes flashing with glee. I can see she's having great fun with 
my embarrassment. 

"Buffy..." Have I really resorted to whining? She attempts to look 
more serious, though I can still see her eyes shining brightly.

"Come on, Will. You know I'd never do anything you don't want." She 
whispers huskily, and I can feel myself pulling towards that voice, 
that tone. Who says I don't want this? "But you know...I'm really 
quiet...they'd never hear me." She's gone back to nibbling on my 
neck...I think she's trying to seduce me...scratch that...I know 
she's trying to seduce me. And boy is it working.

"Well...you can maybe...but what about me? The last time I tried to 
keep quiet I bit my lip until it bled." Her face is amused, 
apparently remembering that little fling in the shower, of course, 
thinking about it doesn't really help my condition right now.

"Don't worry." Buffy grins, leaning into me. "If all else fails 
I'll just do this." Her hands are in my hair, pulling my head toward 
her as she takes control of my mouth again, her tongue probing 
deeply. Oh...I see where that could be...beneficial. 

Goddess, is that ever beneficial! I'm moaning into her mouth, but I 
can't seem to control it. Being with Buffy makes me feel things I've 
never really felt before. I don't think I'm even conciously aware of 
it...it just seems to flow out of me...like my body has to sing 
praises for the magic she does. A knock at my door pulls us both 
rapidly back from the brink. I see a flash of panic in her eyes, 
that must be matching mine, before I spring off of her and look 
nervously toward the door. 

"Willow...are you all right...your mother thought she heard someone 
groaning." Oh Goddess! Not my dad! Not now! 

"Umm..." Oh great, why does my brain have to pick now to freeze 
up?! I glance hurriedly around the room, searching for any plausible 
explanation, before my gaze rests briefly on the television set. I 
don't recall even turning it on tonight...but there it is, displaying 
a movie I don't think I've ever seen, and which I obviously haven't 
been watching. "Uh...yeah...um...I'm just watching this old movie. 
It has a lot of violence...people shooting at each other and women 
screaming and stuff..." I don't have the foggiest idea if that's 
what had really been going on, but it looked like a safe bet. 

"And the car chases...don't forget the car chases." Buffy whispers 
at me, grinning mischievously when my eyes widen in her direction 
and I shush her with a finger, a scowl on my 
face. "So...that's...probably what you heard." I finish lamely, 
hoping against all hope that he actually buys that. I can feel my 
father frowning at me through the door, but he's way too polite to 
just open it...something I'm extremely grateful for at the moment. 

"Well, as long as you're all right." He responds, sounding doubtful 
to my own ears, or is that just my guilty conscience working 
overtime? "Just don't stay up too late. Your mother and I are going 
to bed. We'll see you in the morning." 

"Oh...okay...I won't...night Dad." I almost can't believe my 
luck...I'm actually getting away with it. I can feel Buffy's body, 
shaking with laughter, against my leg, but I wait until I'm sure he's 
gone down the hall, before looking at her. 

"We were almost so...busted." She whispers giggling helplessly, 
although thankfully silently. 

I simply stare at her, caught between being angry that she's finding 
my near mortification at getting caught necking by my parents 
hillarious, and giggling in relief that I actually got away with it. 
I settle for tackling her. "So...you think that's funny do you?" I 
ask, my best indignant look planted firmly on my face, while seeking 
out her ticklish spots mercilessly.

She defends herself admirably, but I know where all of her tickle 
spots are and just how to tickle them to get the best effect, so it 
isn't long before she's crying uncle. "Well...it isn't all bad." 
She says, as I relax on her chest once more, catching my breath.

"How so?" I ask, hoping she'll explain this one to me. I'm not 
finding the interruption of our love making nearly as funny as she is 
apparently.

"Well...at least we know where they are now...and they should be 
sleeping soon. So we won't have to worry about them catching us." 

"Yeah...my heart is grateful for the near miss." I growl at her, and 
she grins.

"You should see the look on your face." She's giggling, her eyes 
flashing with merriment. "It's priceless." Oh yeah? She still 
thinks this is funny, does she? Well, I'll show 
her...I'll...I'll...mmm...awful hard to stay annoyed at her when 
she's kissing me like that. And, who said she can kiss me when I'm 
still...okay...so I have absolutely no intention of stopping 
her...not in this lifetime anyway.

I'm not sure we should pick up right where we left off, though...I 
mean...shouldn't we wait a few more minutes? Just to make sure my 
parents are asleep? Apparently Buffy doesn't think so. She's 
massaging my leg with her foot and her tongue...oooh, that 
tickles...is doing really...really wonderful things inside my mouth. 
She sure knows how to scatter my thoughts to the four 
winds...especially with her hand rising slowly up my shirt...inching 
closer to my...eep! "Buffy!" 

"Shhh...you have to be quiet...remember?" She breaks off from my 
mouth to whisper that in my ear and it sends warm tingles up and down 
my spine. "Oooh...but..." I can feel my back arching up into her 
touch...she's touching my...yep, that's my...and she's making those 
little circles that drive me crazy. I think I'm starting to 
sweat...yes, it's way too hot in here. Maybe if she...oh 
yeah...that's better...shirt was just getting in the way anyway...too 
constrictive.

What is she?...oh...oh wow...she couldn't do...that...with my shirt 
on. "Yes." I'm not sure why I said 'yes' I'm pretty sure I meant 
to say 'no...slow down...wait' but it doesn't look like I'm in 
control of my mouth anymore. Then again...with her sucking...no, 
nibbling...oooh, teeth...well...I'm pretty sure thinking is going to 
become a non issue before very much longer.

Buffy growls when she's aroused...I'm not even sure if she's aware 
that she does it...they're not distracting...they're not even very 
loud...but I think they're incredibly sexy. She alternates between 
my breasts, like she has trouble deciding which one she likes the 
best, so she just claims them both, and while she does that...she 
growls. Not that I have a problem with that...nosiree bob. 

Her hands...goddess...her hands are all over me, but they're not 
harsh with her passion and that's what surprised me about being with 
Buffy at first...her gentleness. I mean, she's this great 
hero...this important Vampire Slayer...with the strength and speed to 
kill vampires, and she can hold me in her arms so gently...rock me 
like a newborn until I fall asleep, or bring me to the greatest 
heights of passion all with the gentle stroke of a finger. She uses 
her strength to great advantage though...she never stops...never 
seems to tire...and when she wants to undress me...she can do so 
effortlessly.

There's a time when we make love, when my thinking shuts down 
completely and all I can do is feel. Yes me...the great 
thinker...the one that thinks tirelessly. Seems the only thing that 
can get me to stop thinking is her...the feel of her undulating below 
me as we converge our bodies together. She sweeps me away...so 
gently...and yet so passionately. 

The softness of her skin, mixed with the odd contrast of the feel of 
her muscles excites me, the smell of her arousal and mine combine to 
create the most sensuous musk. She moves inside me and I forget how 
to breathe...forget how to speak...heck, I even...for a short while 
forget who I am. It's like I become her...or she becomes 
me...maybe...we just become each other...or we become a part of each 
other...yeah...that's it...we join...we are one for one timeless 
moment.

And then...suddenly...it's past me and reality is creeping back into 
our moment as I hear my cries echoing inside Buffy's tightly clamped 
lips. She's engulfing the sounds, matching and muffling them with 
her own. I feel drained, suddenly weak all over...open to 
her...vulnerable, but Buffy is holding my still trembling body, so 
that's okay...Buffy's here, and she'll keep me warm...keep me safe.

"Shh...shh.." Buffy's murmuring in my ear, petting my hair back away 
from my forehead and I realize I'm whimpering. My trembling hasn't 
stopped, in fact it has increased into shakes. It seems like a weird 
reaction...the funny part is, I don't even know why. 

"It's okay." She keeps murmuring in my ear. With one arm wrapped 
around me, rubbing soothingly up and down my back, she reaches for 
the covers, bringing them up around my shaking body, attempting to 
get me warm. I can feel tears around the corners of my eyes, leaking 
down my face, dripping onto her breast and I wonder why I'm crying. 
I mean, Buffy's the one with the huge problem, so why am I the one 
bawling like a baby? Well...probably because I've always felt Buffy's 
pain as acutely as my own. But to start crying right after she 
brought me to such ecstasy? I feel like an idiot.

"I'm sorry." I whisper, wondering what she must be 
thinking. 'Rosenberg finally blew a gasket' most likely, except 
Buffy doesn't know what a gasket is and probably wouldn't use the 
word in a sentence even if she did.

"Shh...it's okay...I'm here." Buffy whispers again, kissing me on my 
forehead. The words don't help my inner disarray of emotions, but 
they do help to settle me. That and the feel of her arms wrapped 
snugly around me, her right hand massaging the base of my neck, while 
her left rubs my back in slow circles. Her touch anchors me to this 
time and place, lets me know that she really is here, that she hasn't 
left me...hasn't forsaken me.

"I...I don't know why I did that." I can hear the confusion in my 
voice...she must hear it too, cause she brushes her lips gently 
across my forehead in another soft kiss. I love it when she does 
that, makes me feel loved...cherished.

"It's okay, Will. It's perfectly natural." Her voice is low, a 
quiet confession between two lovers. She interlaces her fingers over 
my back, I don't move, just letting the warmth of those rough, 
powerful hands, seep into me, doing something they don't get to do 
enough. Be loving.

"It is?" I can't ever remember crying after making love...not that 
I've been doing this for a long time...but still, I guess there 
really is a first time for everything.

"We were pretty emotional earlier. It's only natural...that it 
should come out...when we least expect it." Buffy grins ruefully at 
me, bathing me in her smile and it warms me from my tummy to my 
toes. Funny how she can make me feel better with just a grin. "Feel 
better?" She asks me, still smiling that fuzzy jammies smile at me.

I pause a moment, examining my emotions and discover I do indeed feel 
better...if a little embarrassed. "Yeah...I do." I nod against her 
chest, feeling her breath hitch as my hair slides along her 
nipple. "I'm sorry I..."

"Hey, no more apologies." Buffy reprimands me softly. "It's 
okay...it happens...it's nothing to get embarrassed over." Now that 
I feel better, I notice she's still strumming slightly...and it 
occurs to me that she hasn't errr..umm..released yet, had her fun, 
been thrilled, pleasured, experienced my love touch, been sent to 
heaven, achieved nirvana, ascended to the mile high club...been the 
victim of 'Willow lovin'. Okay now I'm getting hokey.

"Buffy...are you still...?" I ask, and my tone of voice leaves no 
question to what I'm talking about. Her eyebrows rise on her face as 
my hands slide up her chest...just to be sure, of course...and she 
jumps unintentionally. I'm pretty sure I'm grinning in what Buffy has 
fondly termed my 'wicked witch' look too.

"Oh yeah." She says quickly, and I can hear the pain of barely 
repressed desire in her voice.

"Oh!" I bolt upright, looking down into her smiling but slightly 
pained face. "Oh, Buffy...I'm so sor-" She breaks off my sentence 
with a kiss, her tongue swirling with mine before she pulls back to 
look at me, a mock sternful look on her face.

"What did I just say about that word." She scolds me, and I have the 
good grace to blush. 

"I..." A pointing of a finger stops my words for a moment, before a 
cheeky grin covers my face. "...love you." Funny how those three 
words brighten up her face like a warm summer day and make her eyes 
go all shiny.

"I love you too." She whispers back to me, and I know those words 
come from some place deep inside her...some place very true. She 
rises up to meet me and our lips meet, once...twice...I can feel her 
heart beating...pounding really, beneath my fingers, her desire once 
hidden barely beneath the surface is rising to the top rapidly. "I 
need you, Will." She begs me and I can feel myself responding to her 
need.

"I need you too." I assure her, my hands sliding down over her 
chest, playing with the soft slopes of her breasts. Not teasingly, I 
know her like I know the back of my hand, and I know teasing is not 
what she needs. She's about ready to burst...she needs 
confident...sure touching now. "Never leave me, Buffy." I plead, 
twisting her nipples with my fingers. 

"Never." She vows with a groan, bringing my lips to hers in a 
searing kiss. My hand inches between our bodies and she bathes me in 
her warm fluids, my fingers find their place unerringly and she 
arches into them, taking them into her deeply. "God Will." I can 
tell it won't be long...she's too excited by making love to me to be 
able to stand much more. Buffy's panting now, clutching on to me 
tightly. Good thing she knows her own strength or I'd be pulverized 
every time she climaxes. I can feel her inner muscles clinging 
tightly to my fingers, her head is thrown back her neck arching 
gracefully with the sensations and her lips reveal the slightest of 
whispers.


"More." She gasps, "Please more, slow...slow..but more." 

I hook my free hand around her waist, not breaking the pattern of 
motion I'm doing with the other. Pulling her tighter against me, I 
duck my head down and gently take her left breast between my teeth, 
nipping and sucking at her nipple as my fingers work gently in and 
out of her. Wrapping my arm around her waist even tighter, I use the 
fingers of my free hand to apply gentle pressure just above her very 
swollen clitoris. I remember how she touched me mere 
moments...minutes before, the exquisite joy and pleasure her fingers 
gave me, and I relish in returning the favor.

"Gnnnnaaah..." She agrees! I increase my efforts, pushing harder, 
moving faster, nipping tighter and she writhes with every touch.

She opens her eyes to look at me, and I'm lost in the deep blue of 
them...the blue that convey so much love and desire, and then she 
arches again, rising up on my fingers before gently impaling 
herself...whimpering at the sensation. 

I move up and kiss her cheek, she's too busy panting to actually 
kiss. 

"Yes." I encourage her. "Yes, my baby. Yes." My whispering soft 
and quiet. I feel so sexy, she feels so sexy, god I love her. I love 
this. I love her.

"Yes...let it go." I whisper and nip at her earlobe.

And then she does...with barely a groan. She tightens around my 
fingers, squeezing them almost painfully tight. Her hands wrap around 
my shoulders, holding me against her tightly, her muscles tremble 
with repressed energy as her hips thrust automatically, beyond any 
control, sense or whim, just pushing and wanting and wanting and 
pushing. Her lips open and flutter shut, I can see her clenching her 
teeth in her effort to keep silent. She almost makes it. A slight 
whine, in the back of her throat slips past her despite all the 
effort. 

"Wiiillllooooowww....." She keens against me. Burying her head 
against my neck and sobbing. It's like a mirror of my earlier 
reaction. What causes it? Joy? Relief? I don't know, nor do I 
care, really. It's enough to know that I love her and she loves me. 
It's all good. 

Collapsing in a jumble of arms and legs, we hold together tightly, 
neither of us wanting or willing, I think, to let go. I can feel her 
breaths coming out in harsh gasps against my neck, still trying to 
regain the breath so recently stolen from her during climax. I 
murmur a litany of 'I love you's' in her ear, and feel her brush 
breathless kisses on my face in response. It feels so good just to 
hold her like this, to feel her wrapped securely around me, her legs 
still curled around my thighs, our pelvises still clingling together 
wetly, our arms still holding and supporting each other.

We came so close to letting our own blind insecurities and fears 
destroy us. I vow never to let that happen again. Buffy is my 
lover, the person I hold most dear in this world, and the best friend 
I've ever had. I don't know what I would do without her...and I 
don't intend to ever find out. 

As her breathing quiets into a more steady rate, I realize she's gone 
all quiet. For a moment, I wonder if she's sleeping...which wouldn't 
be a bad thing...I certainly don't want her to leave, and wouldn't 
mind sleeping in her arms all night. My parents, on the other hand, 
would certainly wonder why I was having an impromptu sleepover party 
if she's still here in the morning. 

"Will..." She speaks, startling me out of my reverie, and I realize, 
belatedly, that she's still awake. She's just been being really, 
really quiet. Her hand moves languidly through my hair, scratching at 
my scalp and lingering tendrils of pleasure seep mellowly into my 
blood stream, eliciting a passive groan.

"Buffy...?" My voice sounds husky, and I realize the calm quiet has 
been putting me into a pleasant daze, sending me closer to dreaming 
myself. 

"I still don't know what I'm going to do about Faith." She murmurs 
quietly, a note of regret and remorse lingering in her tone. The 
tone pulls me hesitently, regretfully out of my warm, safe zone, and 
I feel bad because I want to be there for her, I want to know the 
answers to tell her...but I just don't.

I look up into her eyes, seeing the worry deep within them, and hunt 
for any possible answer that will chase the look away. I can think 
of only one reply, and hope that it's enough. "I don't either, 
Buffy. But...tomorrow...we'll go to Giles. He'll know what to do." 
I put on my best self-assured look and hope that she buys it. I 
don't know if she does or not, but she pulls me down onto her chest 
once more, snuggling into my hair.

"You're right, Will." She breathes, sounding sleepy as my eyes drift 
shut. "Giles will know what to do." 

*****

I can still hear them...still hear the noise ringing in my ears. 
Damn her...damn them both. Damn this Slayer hearing. I can't 
believe it. I don't know what I expected when I followed B here. I 
mean, at first, I didn't even know she was coming here. I thought 
that I could stop her...that maybe we could talk. I know she's been 
upset about...well...about what I did in that alley. She's been 
avoiding me ever since it happened. Miss goodie two shoes can't get 
over it, even if the jerk did earn what he got. I mean he wasn't 
exactly the squeeky clean type. I don't get what the big deal is. I 
mean, so I killed a human...so what? It's not like he didn't deserve 
it. And to think...for a while I actually thought she was 
fun...maybe even a little cool. I mean, she was starting to come 
around to my way of thinking. I thought she was even starting 
to...to feel for me the way that I...she sure had me fooled. 

But no, now she's acting like this is all my fault...maybe seeing 
that sucker gutted was too much for her to handle. I should have 
known she'd run off to Red. That she'd be crying on her shoulder 
instead of crying on mine. Those two are so tight with each other 
they should be twins. I should have known something was odd with 
them. They're just too...giggly around each other. But I figured 
that's just what best friends do. How would I know? It's not like 
I've ever had one before. They sure had me fooled. I certainly 
didn't expect to find them boffing each other's brains out...who knew 
they had it in 'em. I sure didn't...there's a surprise for me. Miss 
goodie two shoes getting it on with her best friend...The bitch. Both 
of them, bitches.'

So they're going to go off to their friendly, neighborhood 'Watcher' 
are they? Tell him all about how big, nasty Faith killed the poor, 
innocent 'wittle' human? Yeah, right B. Not if I get there first.