Repost: On Occasions 10.02- Heart

["mad-hamlet <Mad-Hamlet@xxxxxxx>" <Mad-Hamlet@xxxxxxx>]

Disclaimer: All this belongs to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy
(Grr..arrggh)


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On Occasions;
In The Heart



The ardor cooled a while ago. 

Ha, I got to use ardor in a sentence. I'm just so bad, yes I 
am.

The rooms gotten cold, or maybe the passion just wore off. 
First Buffy cuddled up next to me
for heat and then after that wasn't enough she pulled the covers over 
us, than snuggled back down, curling up next to me, laying her head 
on my chest, the fingers of her hand idly drawing patterns on the 
skin of my belly. She's been quiet for a while now but I'm not overly 
concerned. 

Buffy gets that way sometimes. A memory snatches her 
attention and she follows after it for a bit. With my comment about 
old reliable, and all the events that ensued after the previous time 
it was used, I can't say I'm very surprised that she's sorta drifted 
off. Whether it's because of the afterglow, the warm sunlight that's 
a thick, heavy yellow color; the mark of a sun just on the horizon, 
lancing through the blinds, or just that I'm tired, but I find my own 
thoughts drifting away. 

I run my fingers through Buffy's hair while her nails 
continue their tracery on my belly. I lay my head back and remember...


I had gone to the library figuring it was the best place to 
meet Buffy, I was in a rush, wanted to get there before she left on 
her patrol. Lots of reasons why, I didn't want her concern for my 
state of mind clouding her judgement. Yeah she went on lots of 
patrols, and mostly there were newbies out there. It didn't ever 
change the fact that every night she was fighting for her life.

Her life!

Which was also my life. Enough said on that matter. Of course 
I had meant to go earlier but I'd completely lost track of time 
having had to worry about my homework and that...that....jock! 

It was a good thing that I had already sworn off of boys or I 
would have seriously considered doing so. 

So I was rushing down the hall and pushed my way past the 
double doors and entered the library. Well, I thought it was the 
library. Didn't feel like it anymore.

Haven't you ever walked into a room and you can just 'know' 
what kind of a room it is? It might be a study, or a den, or the 
kitchen but you can just feel how much it's been used. And you can 
say to yourself, 'Yeah, this is the den, and the living room is 
through that door, but this is where the family gathers. This is 
where children play with their parents and the family bond was made.' 
You know what I'm talking about? 

The Library didn't feel like the library. It felt like a 
morgue.

Giles was sitting in between Xander and Buffy, who herself 
was not exactly sitting but sprawled across the few steps that lead 
to the second tier of the library. Giles and Xander were staring at 
nothing. Their eyes were open certainly enough and it wasn't like a 
hunk o'nothing had materalised in front of them. 'Cause that would be 
impossible, since nothing, not being a something cannot exist 
therefore it is nothing but it wasn't actually nothing because 
nothing can't actually exis... You know what I mean.

They looked lost. 

Buffy though...

She wasn't staring at nothing, she almost was nothing. People 
put out vibes, something, that lets you know, or gives you an idea at 
least, of what's going on. Call it empathy, or subsubconscious 
understanding of body language, facial expressions whatever. It's 
there.

For Buffy it wasn't.

My footsteps seemed to double in volume with every step I 
took and I will freely admit that I was on the verge of a panic 
attack. 

"Uh..hi guys!" I said, trying to force a cheerful tone. At 
that time, and even now to my own ears it sounded rather weak. 
Squeakish. "What's...uh...what's going on?"

Xander's head shot up to look at me and I saw something on 
his face that I thought I'd never see directed at me. 

Hate. 

I'd seen Xander angry, I'd seen him direct that power at 
others. Angelus, and Spike. Never at me though. I didn't like it and 
I didn't understand it at the time. Xander can hate so well; because 
it doesn't belong on him. He's a funny, happy person. A...bright kind 
of person and seeing something so black and... He's got such a nice 
smile and it's almost always there. Seeing those features twisted 
like that...it hurts. Even remembering them directed at me, with the 
space of time and understanding, it still hurts now. 

He lurched at me and I thought he was going to hit me. In 
that instant so many thoughts flashed through my mind. Was someone 
hurt? Had he found out about Buffy and I? Was this his reaction? Had 
he hurt Buffy? What was wrong with Buffy? And Giles? What was going 
on? What had I done?

The large wooden cross shoved nearly into my face cut off 
such thoughts. 

"Back!" Xander shouted at me. "Get back demon!"

I had a brief flash of extreme confusion. 

"Buffy!" Xander shouted over his shoulder. "Get a stake, she 
would have wanted it this way!"

I opened my mouth to reply, to protest, to query. To do 
something!

Something was done, but not by me. By Buffy. I was looking at 
her the entire time, I hadn't taken my eyes from her, not since I had 
first entered the room. I watched her speak. Her eyes, which had been 
unfocused and empty moved over to look at me. She watched as Xander 
confronted me, I saw her mind working. At first she seemed puzzled, 
that small crease between her eyes saying so, then some sort of 
realization, some expression of recognition flittered over her face. 
I almost began to sigh in relief when she started to say something.

"No!"

It was only a whisper, but it carried clear across the room, 
across the space dividing me from her, from Buffy. In that one 
utterance I heard such sadness and pain. I had no idea what was the 
cause but I was going to go there, be there for her. Lend her my 
support.

I brushed past Xander and his cross, ignoring both the 
puzzled expression on his face and the sudden question popping in my 
head. 'Why would they want to stake me?' 

"Buffy?" I say quietly approaching. 

"No!" She shrieked it that time. An exact opposite of her 
earlier utterance. I'd never heard anyone sound like that before. I 
saw pictures in my mind of drowning people, of screeching tires on 
out of control cars and toddlers in harms way as mothers watch 
helplessly. "No, please no! I can't do it again! Not again!"

Then Giles was standing in front of me. I thought it was 
Giles. He was taller somehow. Colder in lots of ways that I instantly 
understood. 

"You will not touch her." His voice was tight, clipped. The 
skin pulled tight over the bones on his face. I'd seem him like this 
once before, only once. When we'd confronted the owner of the Costume 
shop last Halloween. Before we'd known Giles's background. Before we 
knew about 'Ripper'.

The last time Giles had spoken to me using that face I 
couldn't help myself but to obey. He'd told me to go, so I went, and 
now he was using it again and I had to get past him. Why were they 
doing this? What was wrong? Had they found out about me and Buffy? 
Had we been that wrong, she and I, and somehow missed the fact that 
our friends, our family, were rampant hatemongers?

"You wear the face of someone we all loved." Giles resumed 
speaking. He took a step toward me, being as threatening as 
possible. "But it's just a face now, the person is dead. You will not 
decieve us, and you will not get near the Slayer. I am not looking at 
my friend Willow, I am merely looking at-"

"Giles." I interupted. I should have been hurting. His words 
were so cruel, and cutting, delibertely chosen to be so I guess. If 
it had been any other situation I would have been devestated, reduced 
to a ball of emotional pain. But Buffy was hurting and that was all 
that mattered. She had the back of her left hand pressed over her 
mouth, muffling her whimpers, tears, a cascade of them, made her face 
shiney and wane in the dim lighting of the libraray.

"Giles," I said. "I don't know what's going on, and I 
really want to find out what I've done to make you and Xander so 
angry at me but I just don't have time. So...so.." I took a deep 
breath. "I'm sorry."

That caught him off guard, he crooked an eyebrow and the 
tightness of his face vanished. 
"Sorry?" He asked in a confused voice. "What for?"

"For this." I said and kicked him in the shins as hard as I 
could.

It has to be a genetic thing, because he remained totally 
british. Giles just grimaced a bit bent over, grabbed the wounded 
limb then, without a word of protest of exclamation, wobbled, lost 
his balance and toppled over.

I darted around him to where Buffy was still slumped on the 
stairs. She'd watched the interaction between me and her watcher 
silently, except for the repeated moaning into her hand. When I 
stepped around Giles her eyes shot open wide. A strangled squack 
burst from her throat.

She started crab walking backwards, trying to climb the 
stairs to get away. She wanted to get away, to run and hide. To run 
from me. Her limbs flailed about and all sense of grace she had she 
lost. A hand slid out from under her and she crumpled. Curling up 
into a fetal position, an arm wrapped around her eyes, keeping her 
from seeing, not letting her know. Know what? Her other hand waved in 
the air feebly trying to fend some terrible something from advancing 
on her. 

"Buffy?" I whispered trying to get past her flailing arm, 
even half trying her strength was formidable. "Buffy baby, it's me." 

I grabbed her hand in my mine and she didn't fight back when 
I restrained it. Buffy could have, she could have just twitched a 
shoulder muscle and lobbed me clear across the room. She didn't 
though, and in some ways that terrified me more than anything before.

"Stay away, please stay away." I heard the catching in her 
throat. She was fighting back sobs. Something terrible had 
happened. "Don't come near me. You're not her." She continued. "Not 
her, not her, not her, not her. Don't make me do this again, please. 
Not again!"

She was shaking, her skin clammy and moist; almost feverish. 
I'd seen her earlier that day, at school and somehow between then and 
now something had come along and sucked all the vitality out of her. 
Everything was limp and cold. I could see the actual effort it took 
for her to rembember to take her next breath, and I got the 
impression that, if she'd had a choice, she wouldn't have.

She'd been hollowed out. 

Gutted.


"Buffy, Buffy!" I said more fiercly. "It's alright, I'm here. 
Whatever it is, I'm here. We're here. It'll be okay, I promise, I'll 
make it okay." Not giving a damn if Giles and Xander saw, I pressed 
her hand to my lips. 

"See?" I whispered in between kisses to her fingertips. "I'm 
here." I lowered my voice even more, bringing my lips to her ear. 

"I love you." I barely breathed.

Nothing.

I got nothing. No reaction, no stunning realization that 
whatever was wrong wasn't. She was too far gone and I, for a heart 
stopping moment thought I'd lost her. That whatever was causing this 
pain had been to much, had conquered her spirit and she had gone 
away, far away, somewhere to hide. 

That wasn't an option that I was going to allow.

I released her hand, it landed on the floor with an audible 
thud. Pulling the hand she held over her mouth away I cupped her face 
in my hand, capturing her eyes with mine, not letting her look away.

"What happened Buffy?" I say quietly. "Please tell me. I 
won't hurt you. What happened?"	
Her eyes rolled wildely in their sockets and I shook her head 
slightly to restablish contact.
She looked at me with terror. Her pupils were huge. They eclipsed her 
eyes entirely almost, some darkness inside eating her up. She was 
scared. 

Scared of me.

"What happened?" I repeated softly. Only a sliver of space 
between her lips and mine. Where, on other occasions, that space had 
been one of delight, and teasing, now it was an impassable canyon. 

"You," She whimpered a few times. Her voice small and frail 
like a child who has lost her parents in a big scary building. "You 
were cold." She chokes out.

"You were cold." She repeated, fresh tears squeezing out her 
eyes and over my fingers. "Cold inside and outside. Dead and cold and 
gone and you were cruel. So cruel, you liked it too. You could have 
done horrible things, you wanted to do horrible things. I could tell. 
You couldn't wait to start hurting others. Yet..." 

She moaned in the back of her throat and tried to look 
away. "You were still so beautiful." She croaked. "Cold, monstrous, 
bloodthirsty and...and..." She drifts off into silence.

"And?" I encouraged her slightly, my mind was buzzing with 
this infomation. Everything that had happened in the last, what, five 
minutes? Was just swirling in my mind. I should have figured it out 
but it was too much too fast. Xander, the Cross, Giles speech, I 
should have figured it out, thought how would I have been able to 
believe?

She looked up at me again, this time of her own free will and 
I had to steel myself not to look away. She was so haunted! "And I 
still wanted you!" She keened. 

It was a quiet wail of despair. Not some full throated howl, 
just a light, whispy, cry. An infants failing, dying whisper. 

It was horrible.

I swallowed a few times trying, desperately to think of 
something. 

I stroked her cheeks with the pads of my thumbs, smearing her 
tears and mascara. The black rings of the makeup gave way to reveal 
black rings under her eyes that I could not wipe away.

"Do..."I swallowed again. "Do I feel cold Buffy?" I whispered 
to her." I gently blew my breath across her face, causing her 
eyelashes to flutter shut briefly. "Do I feel cold?" I asked again.

"Can't you feel it Buffy?" I started sliding my fingers from 
her hairline to her neck. "Am I not warm?"

I lowered my lips the last few centimeters and pressed mine 
to hers briefly. It was a chaste kiss, but it meant everything at 
that time. 

I was there.

I was alive.

I loved her.

I was warm.

When I pulled away, her trembling hands were resting on my 
shoulders. As I looked back into her eyes the haunting terror was 
still there, but less so, now diluted by confusion. 

"But..." She gasped. "But..your heart-"

"Is yours." I interupted her. 

"But it was dead!" She insisted.

Releasing her face I pulled her one hand down, over my 
shoulder and along my front till her palm was resting on my chest, 
directly over my heart.

"See for yourself." I whispered. The last shreds of my self 
control were not weathering this whole sitch well. I could feel 
myself falling away somewhere. 

"Can you feel it Buffy?" I whimpered. "It's my heart. It's 
there and real and alive and beating.; beating for you Buffy. My 
heart is scared though Buffy. I'm scared. Why? What's happening 
Buffy? Feel my heart Buffy. Come back to me please. Feel my heart and 
come back to me!"

Said mucsle was hammering against my ribs, I could feel it 
thundering in my ears, so hard and heavy that my brain was ringing in 
my skull. I was terrified too I realised. Something had attacked her, 
attacked us and it had destroyed...or it would destroy..Buffy unless 
I stopped it and I knew I was about to start panicking and that would 
have not a been a good thing and everything would have fallen apart 
and just-

Then Buffy grabbed me.

She sandwiched my face firmly between her palms, her eyes 
looking me over and over again. Again I felt like time slowed down. 
Her skin, her hands, were so hot, the skin rough and strong, yet 
soft. She cupped my left cheek with her one hand and slowly stroked 
my bangs away from forehead with the other. 

"Willow?" She asked. She sounded kinda silly actually, I 
mean, of course who else would it have been, I was right there and 
it's not like I was wearing a disguise. But it wasn't silly. It was 
the most imporant question in the world. 

"Yes." I said quietly. "I'm Willow. I'm here. I'm alive. I 
love you and I'm not ever going to leave you."

She was quiet for a moment. Studying my face intently, like 
looking for something wrong with it. Something alien and obcene so 
she could finally decide to trust again, or run and hide forever. 

After a few seconds she made up her mind.

"I thought I lost you." She squeaked. 

Before I could reply with the obligatory and oft 
repeated 'Never' she was pulling me down. Looking back on it I think 
I was still aware that Giles and Xander were right behind the two of 
us. I was aware of how Buffy and I might appear, laying on top of 
each other, her hands clasping my face and whispering in far too an 
intimate manner. I also am pretty sure I didn't care. I know I don't 
now. 

She kissed me. In front of Giles and Xander, she kissed me. 
Okay, we kissed each other and I don't know how I knew, and I don't 
care how. I just knew it was something that had to be done, that she 
needed and it was right.

Kisses taste good. If you love someone you're kissing. Heck, 
if you love them enough morning breath kisses can still taste good; 
as long as you're careful. When kisses with someone you love taste 
right though...

She...Buffy.. it was. I was enveloped in warmth. Yeah, 
physically it was french kiss, but it wasn't. She was... asking for 
something; an affirmation and I gave it freely and she offered and I 
accepted. Over and over giving and recieving and giving again, never 
taking though. Never, ever taking. 

Her legs wrapped around me and I felt her rubbing them along 
the back of my calves. She released my face and slid her arms down my 
shoulders and wrapped them around my back. I whimpered into her mouth 
when her fingers slid under my sweater, scraping my skin.

It was the whimper that did it though. 

Probably a good thing too. I don't know if we could have 
stopped ourselves.

>From behind me I heard the quiet sound of someone clearing 
their throat.

I reluctantly pulled away from Buffy and she let me go. 
Whatever wound she'd been dealt long since healed, I think. She was 
looking at me now. AT me. And she was smiling. I should have felt 
fatally embarrased but I didn't. I just smirked down at her.

"We're so seriously busted." I whispered to her. 

She lifted her head and nuzzled my cheek with her own. "I 
don't care." She purred in my ear. "You're alive."

I quirked an eyebrow. "Arn't I usually?" 

Half in fear, half in dread, half in anticipation, hey I was 
with Buffy that makes me one hundred and fifty percent Willow, I 
turned my head to see the little audience in the barely completed 
drama. 

Giles was sitting on the floor, still rubbing his injured 
ankle. A bit of guilt tweaked my mind but not that much. Xander was 
standing a little behind Giles and to his left. My best friend's jaw 
hung open and he wasn't blinking. I wasn't sure if he was breathing. 
The cross hung from his limp fingers and when it slipped free and 
clattered to the floor I jumped even though I knew it was coming. 


Buffy giggled nervously behind me. I could feel my own lips 
being pulled up in some insane smile that would not be denied. 

"So." Giles stated shattering the awkward silence, which was 
not all that good a thing, the end of awkward silences usally lead to 
awkward conversations. "I take it that the rumors of your demise 
have been greatly exagerated Willow?" 

He was smiling a half, somewhat hesitant, smile. Looking like 
someone who had found someone that they had believed lost but, upon 
finding them again, discovered that they were not exactly what he 
remembered. Whaddya know, that's exactly what happened.

"Um..." I hesitated. First impressions in this sort of 
situation are very important and I wanted to make sure I said the 
right thing.

"Yes?" I shrugged. 

"Yes?" Xander exclaimed. "Yes!?"

He rushed from around where Giles was still sitting, grabbed 
me by the shoulders and pulled me to my feet. Staring into my face 
for a moment he than yanked me hard, wrapped his arms around me and 
gave me an almost painful hug.

"Hey!" I heard Buffy protesting slightly. 

"God Willow." Xander mumbled into my ear. "I thought I'd lost 
my best friend! Do you have any idea how that feels? I thought you 
were dead, gone, deceased, some sort of souless demon spawn hell bent 
on eating the pizza delivery boy, rather than the actual pizza..."

The relief he must have been feeling caught up with him and 
his grip tightened even more. I was touched by how much he cared, but 
I was somewhat concerned about the small danger signals my vertebrae 
were giving off. Something about stress fractures. 

"Jesus Will." He said again. "I believed you were dead. I 
really, really believed it."

He was silent for a few moments longer then gently released 
his embrace. Leaving his hands on my shoulders he stepped back and 
just stared me in the eyes for some time. 

Finally he took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Some 
sort of burden must have been released at that moment because, when 
he opened his eyes again they were my old Xander-Buddies eyes, alight 
with life, warmth, humor and...oh nuts...mischief. 

"But you're not dead are you." He stated rather than asked.

"No." I replied, shaking my head and smiling up at 
him. "Quite alive."

"There is nothing suckworthy about this turn of events." He 
said smirking slightly.

"Nope. Me being still among the living is a total suck-free 
happening." I giggled. I really should have known better. I've known 
Xander a very long time and should have been able to sidestep his 
traps by now. 

"Speaking of 'suck'," Xander interupted. "Did someone hit me 
on the head and I, being so used to it, simply did not notice or were 
you sucking on Buffy's tongue not two minutes ago?"

"Yeah that's it!" Buffy exclaimed coming to stand by my side. 
If she was still hurting in any way her voice did not betray it. She 
always was good at hiding her feelings, too good sometimes. I made a 
mental note for her and I to have a talk later. Or something. I 
wanted to be sure. 

"You're having a dream Xander." Buffy continued nudging me 
with her elbow gently. "S'all just some weird fantasy of yours. You 
have lots of those."

"Uh." I strategicaly added, I never really wanted to ponder 
much over Xander's fantasies.

"Hmmmm. Could be, could be." Xander said tactfully. He looked 
around the room slowly, being careful not to gaze at either me or 
Buffy. I knew that look, that was Xander's 'I'm Going to Nail You to 
a Wall in Three...Two...' look.

"No." He announced. "This is definitely not a fantasy."

"Oh?" Buffy shot back, hand on her hips, head cocked to one 
side. "What makes you think so?"

I mentally shook my head and tried to supress a sigh; she 
should really have known better. I mean, this is Xander okay?

Xander shot her a truimphant smile, his arms folded over his 
chest. "Cause none of us are naked!" he announced.

Buffy's eyes bulged out and she took a threatening step 
toward Xander, fist raised in warning. 

"Hey, hey!" Xander backed off holding out his hands in a 
placating gesture. "Joke. Joke really. Well, except for that one 
time...but that was a long time ago and I've never thought about it 
again. Except when I eat lime green Jell-O. Oh nuts." He muttered the 
last bit.


"Xander!" I squealed outraged, but in a good humored way. 
This is what we needed, something to reaffirm who we were, what we 
meant to each other. Family, being family I guess. 

"Xander." Giles said carefully, putting his weight on his 
uninjured foot. I felt a flash of guilt when I saw him hobbling over 
to us but managed not to burst into tears or anything stupid. "I find 
myself oddly disturbed that you have me being in any of your 
fantasies. Past, present or future."

Now it was Xander's turn to gape as he got zinged. By Giles 
no less. That had to bruise the ego.

"What..who... how?" Xander sputtered. "You were so not there 
G-Man. I was just talking about these two." He gestured emphatically 
with a pointed finger at Buffy and I. 

"Oh well that's much better than." Giles murmered as he 
looked at me fondly. His eyes said everything that his British 
upbringing wouldn't allow him to. He gently put an arm around my 
shoulders. "I am very pleased to see you well Willow and that our 
assumptions were incorrect."

"Yeah!" I replied while nodding seriously. "I got a pulse an' 
everything."

Giles stared at me a bit than with a muttered "Sod the 
rules." wrapped me in a gentle, rather paternal, hug. Not a lot of 
people had hugged me in my life, save for Buffy, I realised I'd been 
missing out. 

"I'm sorry about kicking you." I said quietly stepping out of 
the hug. 

"Oh don't worry about that." Giles said in mild amusement. He 
hobbled over to one of the chairs around the table and sank into it 
gratefully. "I'm sure it'll heal." He paused. "In a month or so."

"Sooorrryyy." I whined. Guilt, with the more immediate 
problems out of the way, was now running rampant through my mind. 
Actually, it was so close to 'normal' for me I sorta felt right at 
home.

Giles sighed. "Willow, I'll be fine. Really. I can understand 
why you did...er..what you felt you had to do. Not knowing the 
situation and what with the rest of us acting all so out of sorts." 

He leaned foward resting his elbows on his knees. "However," 
He continued. "This doesn't answer the question, what exactly was it 
that you Buffy, and you Xander saw at the Bronze?"

"Yeah." Xander added helpfully, sitting down as well. He 
leaned back in his chair and, ignoring Giles disapproving scowl, 
rested his feet on the table edge. "I mean, I know I wasn't 
fantaisizing then, she was real Giles. Fully three-dimensional, dolby 
surround sound, total interaction real."

"Realer than that." Buffy muttered taking the seat beside me. 
She moved a hand under the table and rested it on my thigh. Maybe it 
was, maybe it wasn't a gesture of affection, more likely it was to 
reassure herself that I was still there and really real. I put my 
hand on top of hers and gave it a gentle squeese. She smiled at me, 
behind which still lurked some issues. I double-prioritized the 
mental note. 

"Willow in case you don't quite know what we're referring too-
" Giles began.

"I can guess." I interupted. "Xander with the cross, calling 
me a demon," Xander flushed and started examing the tips of his 
shoes, "And you Giles, telling me that I only wore the face of their 
friend and really wasn't anymore." Now it was the Watcher's turn to 
look somewhat flustered. "You saw a vampire."

The quiet in the room seemed as sudden as the good cheer had 
a moment ago. Only not as enjoyable. Finally, after what was far too 
long Buffy spoke. Again her voice had taken that etheral quality, 
weak and not totally there. Her voice trembled as she spoke, and the 
clear message that everything was 'not alright' was very visable.

"Not just any vampire Willow." She said. "You."

"Me." I echoed. I wasn't that surprised. Not at all even. If 
they were acting like they had seen a vampire and treated me as such, 
than it had to have been me as a vampire that Buffy and Xander saw. 
Of course the big question was how was that possible?

Xander sighed. "Yeah." He raised his head and stared at 
me. "It was you Willow. Didn't just look like you, it was you!"

I squirmed in my chair. I didn't know what was bothered me 
more, the fact that somehow a vampiric version of myself was running 
around, doing God knows what, or that my friends were referring to me 
as an 'It'. 

"Didn't dress like you though." Xander chuckled. "No siree-
Bob it did not at all."

Now my curosity was piqued. "Oh? How was she dressed?"

Buffy swallowed a few times. "Uh.." She began. "Scantily?" 

"Mmm.." Xander mused, his lips pursed in thought. "I'd go 
with firmly. She was dressed firmly."

Giles shook his head slightly. "Facinating though it may be 
for some of us to discuss how Willow's doppleganger was dressed it 
doesn't answer the question how two of.." He broke off and looked at 
me awkwardly. "Er..you, came to exist Willow."

Something was bugging me. A gnagging thought at the back of 
my head was dancing around. It lent itself to an idea but wouldn't 
come out and give me the actual answers. I hated it when that 
happend, still do today.

I pondered for a bit, not listening to the others as they 
discussed possibilities to explain the arrival of my 'Other'. 

Xander was postulating the idea that it was secret 
Govermental cloning experiments run amok. Giles thought similarly but 
had the bad guys being sorcerers or something. Buffy didn't say 
anything, just kept running her hand up and down my thigh gently. 

Then the idea came forth totally. "Urk!" I bolted upright in 
my chair. 

"What? What!" Buffy yanked her hand away, her voice laced 
with panic. "Are you alright? Are you okay? Is your vampiric twin 
connected to you somehow and you can see what she's doing? Is it 
awful? Can you tell us where she is? Oh God Willow I'm sorry it must 
be terrible!"

Buffy was staring at me, her expression one of deep concern 
and sympathy. I didn't deserve it cause nothing was wrong, well, 
nothing like Buffy was worrying about.

"Heh." I smiled. "In order recieved. Yes, yes, no, no, I 
don't know probably, no. It probably is but I'm not sure. Nothing 
like that Buffy, I just had an idea. I'll be right back." I pushed my 
chair back and stood up.

"I'll go with you!" Buffy announced standing up.

I paused. Okay, I should have seen it coming. Buffy was fully 
into 'Protect' mode. 

I gently caressed her face with my hands. "Buffy, I'm just 
going into the office. There's a book there I need, if that's alright 
with you Giles." I said glancing at him.

"Of course." He said. "Do you have an idea on where your twin 
came from?"

"Maybe," I replied. "I just want to check something." Turning 
back to Buffy I smiled at her softly. "Office y'know. Right over 
there?" I pointed to the doorway with my free hand. "About forty feet 
away tops. I'll be fine."

"Yeah... but-" Buffy pouted a bit. "Forty feet is pretty far 
Will. And ..um...those books. They can be real tempermental. Could be 
all sorts of nasty things in those pages just waiting for some 
unsuspecting type to open to the wrong page and...and..I'm being 
silly aren't I?"

"Not at all." I leaned foward and kissed her gently on the 
lips. "You're loving me."

"Full time job." She answered before kissing me back. I 
pulled away with incredible reluctance and headed for Giles's office. 
I heard Xander comment behind me.

"Y'know, this is going to take far less 'getting used to' 
than I originally thought."

"Xander." Buffy growled. 

I chuckled to myself and grabbed the book I had in mind off 
the shelf. 

I started flipping through the pages. "Dimensions, 
dimensions, where is that spell on dimensions?" I muttered to myself 
heading back to Buffy and my friends. I didn't exactly hear the 
voices that were speaking. At least not until I got through the 
doorway.

"...have some bad news Buffy." I glanced up. Angel was 
standing next to Buffy, his bearing one of someone having a real bad 
day and having the added duty of having to share.

"What is it Angel?" Buffy was worried again, her face bleak. 
The fact that she had believed, truly believed, I was dead had really 
hurt her. I would spend a long time making her better. I thought at 
the time we'd both enjoy it.

"I...I just want you to know that I'm there for you. I always 
will be." Angel continued, dancing around whatever it was he had to 
share. 

"Spit it out Angel!" Buffy commanded. Her patience was at an 
all time low.

"What's wrong Angel?" I said from the doorway.

He glanced at me, than back at Buffy, back to me again. He 
paused. Looked thoughtful for a second. "Uhhmmm...nevermind."

The silence stretched for a few seconds as we each seperatly 
tried to figure out Angel's strange behaivore. Then it clicked for 
all of us at the same time.

"Oh." I said quietly.

"Ah." Buffy said rolling her eyes. "That."

"That indeed." Giles contributed.

"You saw her too?" Xander asked. 

Angel looked hard pressed to answer that. "I...saw something, 
yeah. Can someone tell me what's going on here?" 

"Er." Giles started. "As far as we can tell there are two 
of..uhm..Willow. One is a vampire the other is..."

"I'm not!" I said forcefully. "I don't where she came from, 
who she really is or anything like that but I am very, very positive 
that I am not some bloodthirsty, psychotic, demonic creature of the 
night!" I gave Angel a worried glance. "No offense?" I squeaked.

"None taken." He answered with a perfectly straight 
face. "I'm just glad you're okay." He looked back at Buffy, "But 
there's still bad news. Willow," He paused again and giving me a 
careful look clarified, "The bloodthirsty, psychotic, demonic 
creature of the night one I mean, is at the Bronze with some pals. I 
think they're planning a little party."


"How many?" Buffy asked. The doubt and weariness that all 
this emotional jerking around had caused was gone in a second. This 
was Buffy the Slayer now. Duty springing to the fore, strength of 
commitment etc..etc..

"At least ten." Angel replied. Giles had, demonstrating his 
ankle was indeed okay, quickly strode over to the weapons cabinet and 
had started handing them out. Xander snagged a crossbow and hastily 
stuffed two stakes in his jacket pocket. 

"We go?" He asked Buffy. Angel reached out and grabbed some 
stakes that Giles handed him.

Buffy turned toward me slowly and stared at me hard, she 
idley ran a finger along the edge of 'Mr. Pointy' she had retrieved 
from her handbag. I met her gaze and I understood what she was 
thinking. Probably something along the lines of 'If I bring her, 
she'll be in danger, if I don't bring her she'll be alone and in 
danger.' 

I put the book I had retrieved from the office on the 
countertop. "Giles." I said slowly, still meeting Buffy's gaze, "Can 
you toss me a couple stakes?"

"Er." Giles said, still rumaging through the weapons 
cabinets. "If it's all well and good with you Willow, I'd rather just 
put them on the table and not have sharpened wooden objects hurled 
blindy about my library."

Coming to a decision of her own Buffy looked at Xander. "We 
go." She said with a nod.

I couldn't help it, I smiled. I had, and to this day have, no 
idea how hard it must have been for her to accept that I was going to 
be in a little danger no matter what. I guess she could handle that 
possibility. For now. Besides, what other option was there? Putting 
me in an airtight house on the bottom of the ocean floor? That 
wouldn't work. Sharks!

"Suited up." Xander declared his pockets bulging with stakes, 
holy water and three seperate crucifixes hanging around his neck. I 
also noticed....

He saw where I was staring and unsuccessfully attempted to 
conceal The Star of David that was also hanging around his neck. I 
gave him a mock severe glare. 

"Aw c'mon Will." He whined. "I mean, she is..er..was... 
at..one time. Hey, better to err on the side of caution okay?"

"Whatever Xander." I said rolling my eyes. I took any sting 
out my statement by nudging him in the ribs with my elbow.

"Everybody ready?" Buffy asked. When no one replied in the 
negative she started heading for the doors leading out of the 
library. "Okay gang, let's go then."

We fell in line behind her, ready to head out and face the 
darkness, conquer the evil, uh... right the wrongs, um..that kind of 
stuff. Just out the door and down the hall I remembered what I had 
forgotten. "Rats!" I exclaimed.

"What is it?" Buffy asked still walking briskly for the exit 
of the high school. I'd fallen into step beside her. 

"Oh I forgot the book I thought we needed. You keep going. 
I'll be right back."

She paused and almost turned around but I intercepted her 
with an upheld hand.

"Buffy, there's protection and then there's obsession." I 
said firmly.

"Okay? So? I'm obsessed with protecting you. Sue me." She 
replied glibly.

"This is just like the office Buffy, what..I'll be...five 
hundred feet away? What's the big?" I gestured down the hallway we 
came. 

"Yeah...but...Willow..." Buffy hesitated. "It's such a lonely 
five hundred feet."

"Get outta here." I said playfully. "I'll catch up." 

"No." Buffy declared crossing her arms. "We'll wait."

"Buffy." Angel said quietly coming up behind her.

"We'll wait!" Buffy declared emphatically.

I sighed. Nodded. And ran back to the library. The book was 
where I had left it. Grabbing I turned around and headed back for the 
door intent of giving my Buffy a good talking too about over 
proection and how she was being far, far too careful. The cold hand 
that wrapped itself around my face, covering my mouth told me I might 
have been wrong. 

The quiet lilting voice that purred in my ear and was far, 
far too familiar, told me I was most definitely wrong. "Alone at 
last."

It's one thing to hear about an individual's darkside. There 
own potential for evil. A 'you' that has, somehow, been ripped of 
morals, ethics, their personal code, it doesn't matter what you call 
it. That's gone and they become someone else yet are still who they 
were. That's scary enough just thinking about it...anndd a little 
attractive too. It's something else completely to actually be 
confronted with that person though.

Because...because she was me. 

Once upon a time.

They say that a vampire is merely a demon inhabiting an empty 
vessel. That the soul is gone. The books compound this statement by 
explaining how the demon takes characteristics of the person but is 
not the actual person itself. 

I found myself doubting that and believing them more than 
ever before. At the same time. 

It gave me a headache.

She was dressed in a very tight ....outfit. Her hair was 
identical to mine but she had on a lot more...makeup. Her lips were a 
dark, bloody dark, red. Shadowed eyeliner increased the effect of 
something serious being wrong and her pale skin...just.. 

What made it the most horrible was, despite all these changes 
she was me. I could tell. Her body language was totally different. 
Hands on her hips, said hips cocked sexily, her stance just a little 
too wide, like part invitation part threat. She smiled at me slowly 
and ran the tip of her tounge over those lips. But she was still me. 
I could see it. Everything may have changed, body language, tone of 
voice...eating habits..but there was me in there. Me! Trapped.

I found myself wondering a thousand things. Was Buffy a 
vampire wherever she came from? Did they love each other? Could they? 
Did she still find the same things funny? Or similar things funny 
though terribly twisted? Was...was she still tickilish in the same 
spots that Buffy loved to tickle me? Something in me made me believe 
so but at the same time I doubted wether she'd laugh. If I reached 
out and jabbed her lightly in beteen her ribs and pelvis there would 
probably be a ticklish feeling. She just wouldn't laugh, I doubted 
whether she knew how.

She looked me over. I felt like I was hanging from a hook and 
someone had stamped me 'Grade-A' beef. There had been times when I 
had really wished someone had looked at me like that. Any kind of 
attention would have been nice. Now that I had it, from Buffy and her 
looking was ever so much nicer, I didn't want 'that' look looking at 
me.

"Nice." She purred stalking toward me. I backed away keeping 
the distance between us pretty much the same. Or I did. Until I ran 
out of places to back up into. A darn inconvenient place to put a 
desk. 

She reached out and ran one...very..cold palm over my cheek. 
Her fingers tips carving icy trails that lingered after her actual 
touch had ended. I had to swallow convulsively. Gorge was making its 
presence known.

"Fuzzy." She continued eyeing my sweater. "But nice."

"What do you want?" I demanded. Trying to sound a lot braver 
than I felt. I've tried that in the past, normally I sounded exactly 
how I felt. Scared. I didn't do too hot this time either.

"Your friend," she said, walking up beside me and throwing an 
arm over my shoulder. "Anya, told me you brought me here. She told me 
that you're the one that took me from my world. She...suggested that 
you could be," 

She smiled, 

"would be," 

her smile grew wider,

"should be the one to get me back home." She finished. Her 
hand, was playing with the stands of hair that were over my ear, she 
was sliding the tip of her finger, with talon, over and along the 
edge of my neck. No one, save Buffy, had ever touched me like that. 
It felt wrong, it was a violation. It ...looking back on it..hurt 
somehow. Outrage gave me courage, or a near fatal case of idiocy, and 
I grabbed her hand and pulled it away from me while stepping out of 
her...embrace.

"Don't touch me!" I said as fierce as I could. It didn't 
really deter her she just kept smiling. 

"Now now." She chastised. "there's no harm in playing with 
yourself now is there?"

All the air just left my lungs. I didn't even have the 
strength to even squeak in protest. 

She toyed with the edge of her leather...clothing. The part 
that began about two centimeters from being 'indecent'.

"Don't knock it till you've tried it." She purred, sliding 
her finger idley ran down the center of her chest, between her 
breasts and stopping it just below where her navel would be. "Cause I 
won't."

She took another step, her finger followed a reverse course 
except it didn't stop, she dragged her touch over her own neck, past 
the place where anyone living might have a pulse, and then slid the 
tip between her fingers. She suckled briefly and I saw her jaw tense. 
Then she moaned.

"Mmmm..." Her cheeks caved a little. She was...sucking. With 
a quiet 'pop' she eased the tip of her finger out and held pointed at 
me, an offering. Her fingertip was bloody. She'd bitten herself and 
fed off her own ..someone else's...the borrowed blood. Stolen 
blood..I meant stolen blood. 

"Want some?" She asked crooking an eyebrow. "It's finger 
licking good."

I shook my head feebly. I could hear my own heartbeat. Which 
meant, by her standards, I must have sounded like a drum quartet. "N-
no thanks. I ..ate."

She just smiled again. Then she inhaled deeply, through her 
nose. Tasting the air, testing it. 

"I know." She simpered. She hadn't moved, she hadn't taken a 
step yet she was suddenly right in front of, like she had slid across 
the space between us. 

She dipped her head down and sniffed again right at the 
junction of my throat. 

"Mmmm..." She lifted her head so her lips were directly next 
to my ear. "I can tell. I can smell her on you."

She started sliding her fingers over my cheeks again. It 
wasn't a caress. A caress is something you want, a physical momento 
and symbol of affection from a loved one. She wasn't that, she wasn't 
anywhere near that. Nothing there in what she was doing. Just flesh 
sliding over flesh. I barely repressed the shudder that so wanted 
to ...um..shake me.

"She thought I was you." She whispered. "In the Bronze. She 
was afraid she'd hurt your feelings somehow. She was trying to make 
it better."

A finger curled in my hair. "She told me she loved me."

"I wonder," she hummed still playing with my hair. "What it 
would be like to play."

She slid both hands over my cheeks, one stopped at the back 
of my neck, the other slid down over my back and rested just above my 
waist. 

"Whaddya say?" She murmed, now she brushed her lips over my 
neck. I couldn't move. I just..I could have screamed, shouted, pushed 
her away, done something but I couldn't. She was all sex and promises 
and greed and power and dark and ..slick. She was so slick. Like oil 
on water. Like someone who hasn't washed their hair in weeks and then 
dives in a swimming pool slick. 

"Maybe blondie would like it huh?" She nipped at my skin 
again. "Two for the price on one right? What's that called? A menege 
la threeway I think."

Thought requires movement did you know that? Bio-Chemistry 
with electronic impluses moving from brain cell to brain cell. That 
what happens when you think. I was so paralysed, by...disgust and 
horror and... I was sad. I felt so sad for ...for her. She had been 
me, she had laughed and ..and been good at computers. Xander had been 
her friend I bet. She probably had been picked on by Cordelia too. 
She'd had sunshine and not so good times. Now she ...was something 
else. Something alien yet sill me. Still us. 

Then she licked my neck. She lay the flat of her tounge on my 
flesh and licked from the base of my neck all the way to where my 
jawline began. She did this to me, leaving a thick line of cold, dead 
slime coating me. Then she said, "Wanna be bad?"

The licking. That broke the freeze I was in. With a shriek, 
rage, fear, disgust it doesn't matter, it was a shriek, I pushed her 
away and grabbed a crucifix off the desk. Now it was a conviently 
placed desk. 

"Get away from me!" I shouted.

Snarling she backhanded the cross out of my grasp, completed 
her spin and grabbed me by the throat. 

"Fair enough." She hissed. She yanked me close, smashed her 
lips to mine before holding me out at arms length again. "Maybe she 
ate you, maybe you ate her. I don't care. I am going to eat you. Then 
after that we'll try it again. Who knows, maybe a good role in the 
hay will change your thinking."

She smirked. "Y'know what they say, once you've had vamp, you 
can never go back."
And her features shifted. And I knew I had been wrong, there wasn't 
any of me in there anymore. 
The books were right. It was just a demon. Too little realization too 
late.

Then I was dropped. She had let me go. I looked up and found 
out why.

Buffy was standing behind my 'twin'. Her hand was locked 
around the vampire's neck from behind and now Buffy was hoisting her 
off the ground.

She looked so powerful in that moment. The library was dark, 
most of the lights off and the illumination from the hallway halowed 
her figure. She was tall, and dangerous and wild. So beautiful and 
terrible and... I can admit it to myself now, being more mature, but 
I wanted her, Buffy, at that moment more than any other time.

"Actully," Buffy growled out between clenched teeth. "I'd 
have to disagree. Believe me, I know these things."

Then Buffy hit her. 

Hard.

The vampire, she wasn't me, impacted on a book shelf lining 
the far wall and went down. She didn't get up. 

Buffy was next to me in a heartbeat. I was still sprawled 
over the floor and she gathered me into her arms. 

Her voice was running a mile a minute.

"OhmyGodI'msosorry! Iknew Ishould have come with you!Did she 
hurt you?Did she biteyou?Hit you? Any marks? Bruises? Willow? Willow 
can you hear me? How many fingers am I holding up?" Buffy didn't 
actually hold up any fingers. "No broken bones? Are you bleeding?

"Buffy." I said. She rode over me.

"She didn't..she didn't..do anything did she? Oh no she did. 
I'm going to kill her. I'm going to hurt her. I'm going to tie her 
down with ropes soaked in holy water out on the lawn!"

"Buffy. I tried again. Nope. She didn't catch it.

"Don't you worry baby, everything will be okay. I swear it, 
I'll fix it. Somehow. I promise. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm 
sorry." She was sobbing.

She was crying and screaming and holding me tight, and 
rocking me back and forth, it would have been soothing but she was 
rocking me back and forth so hard I was getting sea sick. It was, and 
is, the most touching, loving memory I have of us. It's also, I'll be 
honest again, kinda funny to remember. I'll never trade Buffy for 
anything. 

"Buffy!" I said loudly, real loud. Almost shouted directly in 
her ear. 

She stopped in mid word and stared at me wide eyed. I smiled 
at her, wrapped my arms around her shoulders and kissed her on the 
lips, stopping the kiss though, before she responded too strongly and 
we both got carried away.

"Overprotection," I breathed in her ear. "Is a very good 
thing."

TO BE CONCLUDED



Authors Notes December 25, 2002: Thus is the OO series reposted. 
Probably some of the best Erotic storytelling I've ever seen much 
less been a part of. However there is one part to go and that's 
Shyfox's responsibility. So if all you good little boys and girls 
want the last part of On Occasions completed soon you have to tell 
Magical Fairy Shyfox how much you want it. Send her emails, post her 
msg's on AIM, heck even leave stick em' messages on her front door. 
If we call work together maybe the Magical Fairy will bless us with 
the DAMN CONCLUSION!!

Merry Christmas!

Tomorrow I get Dark again.

I remain, as always,
Mad-Hamlet