FF: Home

[Connor MacBeth <connor_macbeth@xxxxxxxxx>]

Sorry about the lack of work, I've been babysitting my
"niece" Lilly. I will go on record and say that she's
the cutest baby in History. All who disagree will be
fed to my Chocobo, Gary.

TY

Home
By: MacBeth - Connor_MacBeth@xxxxxxxxx
Season: up to six's finale.
Disclaimers: Joss = God. The Creator. Get it? 
Author's Note: This is in Willow's POV, hence the
tendency to ramble. Nessus is the Ninth and deepest
level of Hell. Any mistakes I may have made remember,
this is her mind; be honest now, who thinks in perfect
sentences? 

* * *

Frail. Tiny. Fragile. Before today, those words
never entered my mind when I looked at her. but now,
with her in that bed, hoses and wires attatched to her
from a number of disturbing medical equipment, She's
never looked worse.
When Angel called us about Buffy, I didn't think it
was this bad. Damn Faith. Damn that leather clad whore
to Nessus. Wow, even I'm surprised by my mind these
days. She just had to be the Psycho bitch I'd pegged
her for. Granted, a tiny eensy bit of me cheered when
the darker Slayer shot Angel with the poisoned arrow.
Hey, now. Don't look at me like that; I feel bad
enough about that already.
It's no secret to my inner self that I'm in love
with her. And until a week ago, I'd managed to keep it
a secret from Buffy. Yep, that's right; I told her. We
were alone in the library, Giles had gone to his
office, Xander was in a closet with Cordy, and Faith
had gone to her motel room. I walked around the table,
leaned down to whisper in her ear. "I love you,
Buffy."
She turned to me and her eyes told me what she was
about to say before she said it. "I know, Will. I'm
sorry." My fingertips on her lips stopped anymore. I
nodded and returned to my seat, every ounce of
discipline I normally use for magic went to keeping an
accepting smile on and my eyes dry and clear. 
And here we are now; she's lying in this bed
because she loved the Vampire more than me. I'm not
that angry at the vampire, or at Buffy. I'm angry that
I could Love someone this much. 
I'm alone now, in the Hospital's bathroom. I look
into the window's reflection and I feel ashamed. Here
I am, healthy, alive, and I have the love of a sweet,
gentle musician. I've never thought of myself as
ungrateful, but I really should face facts. She's not
mine. She's Angel's. If I can't have her, I can settle
for Oz, Hell, I could do worse.

* * *

The ritual failed. Three months of planning and
effort shot to hell because of that Biker Gang. They
just HAD to disrupt the one chance we had to bring
back the World's Greatest Hero since Hercules. If I
were to be honest with myself, I'd realize I'm doing
this to bring her back to me; Fuck the world. 
Xander's with me on this, he knows we need her.
Hang on, oh. It's just that damned Buffy Bot...

Wait a minute...

No...

Can't be...

"Buffy?"

* * *

She can barely look at me these days. The First has
returned to end the world and thankfully it's taking
up her attention. I know she still sees me with black
hair, my veins running black with Dark Magic, my eyes
twin pits of entropy. Even with my "Mojo Therapy" as
Xander called it. I remember what I did in my stupor;
Killing Rack, Warren, threatening to revert Dawn to
her energy ball form, all of it; worst of all, I
remember wanting to do those acts. Xander held me that
day on the hill, reminding me who I was trying to
hurt.
Nothing I can ever do will bring that trust back
into her eyes. Yesterday, I was sitting in my room and
staring at where Tara's blood had stained the carpet,
the stain itself long since gone thanks to Xander's
talented handyman skills. Inspiration hit; I'm not
here for the fight anymore, I'm here for Buffy. I
can't have her, so I settled for being around her.
Tara died because I held onto her while wanting
someone else. I loved Tara, I really did, but nowhere
near as much as I love Buffy, and she knew it. 
I digress. My suitcase and duffle are packed. No
one knows I'm leaving, of course; they'd try to stop
me, why I don't know. I've inscribed the circle on the
basement floor, a circle of power I picked up in a
spellbook of Ms. Calendars a lifetime ago. Using this
ring of powdered quartz, salt, and bone, I can open a
gate to a place I read a lot about when I was a little
girl. Somewhere I always planned to go to before a
certain Blonde entered my life. Since then, I've
fantasized about taking her there with me.
As I speak the words, I'm amazed at how easily the
forces come. Slowly over the weeks, my fear of
foalling to the Darkness has eased. I've realized
something about willpower; I'm no longer afraid of
losing my control anymore. If Buffy can walk away from
Angel, if she can adapt after being ripped from
eternal paradise, I can withstand the temptation of
the darkness. It's like I took a step to the right and
saw the fear for what it was, Fear of something that I
know without a shred of doubt won't happen. The final
words tumble from my lips as Buffy reaches the bottom
of the steps. I look into her eyes for a split second
and see fear. 

She still fears me.

* * *

Rome is beautiful this time of year. The sunlight
hits the autumn leaves as they fall, a slight breeze
sending them sliding all over the street and sidewalk.
I've been here five years now, five years since I left
Sunnydale and my heart. Over the years, I've used my
magic and computer skills to open a bookstore, "In The
Stacks". I carry the usual fiction, reference, and
classical literature, but mostly mysteries.
"Specialty" books are in a cordoned off room in the
back of course, can't let little children or hormone
filled boys flip through the Necronomicon Ex Mortis
looking for woodprints of frolicking nymphs, now can
we? I patrol here too; using magic to ignite a
vampire's heart within his ribcage and slamming
warrior demons with searing bolts of light has gotten
a lot easier over the years. Of course, Rome's
subterranean tunnel system is ten times worse than
Sunnydale's Sewer system. The vampire's here are
older, too. 
Ever since I acquired a Fey bowl from a Hag witch a
bit to the north, I've been scrying what's been
happening way over in the Dale. Dawn's become quite
the swordswoman. Xander has been winning more fights
than he loses, and Spike has regained his sanity and
is still trying to get back with Buffy. 
Buffy, I still feel that twinge when I think of
her. I watch her fight a lot. Occasionally, when she's
staked the last vamp of the night, she looks right at
me, almost like she can see me. I think she knows I'm
watching her. 
Leaning against the counter, I watch an old woman
seated on an incredibly comfortable leather couch
reading a copy of Tom Clancy's newest release. I carry
very few political thrillers, but I like Clancy's
stuff. My regular customer, Antonia, sees me and
smiles, before returning to the newest adventures of
Jack Ryan. Beside her, her grandson is engrossed in
the tale of a young English boy enrolled at a
prestigious Magical academy. Hey! I carry those books
only because I run out every quarter. Honestly, that's
the only reason.
Shaking my head in amusement at his rapt attention,
I hear the iron bell over the front door ring. The
sound of an Iron bell is a more effective gremlin and
imp deterrent. I feel a tingle as I look to the new
customer. How she found me I'll never know. 
"Hello Buffy."
"Hello Willow."
I walked out from behind the counter, and motioned
towards the back room. Whistling, I got Aisling's
attention from stocking the D&D stuff and nodded for
her to man the register. Aisling's a sweet girl; I
found her picking pockets in Glasgow and brought her
with me. 
Once in the back room of my shop, I gestured for
the Slayer to sit. A window with a beautiful view, a
sturdy oak table, a couple of chairs, and an espresso
machine make this my favorite room. She sits and still
doesn't say a word. 
"Why did you leave?" her voice is just as I
remember it, albeit with a slight bit of anger I'm not
liking. 
"I had to." Short, simple, effective. Of course,
anything more and the tears I'm holding back would
burst forward.
"You could have talked to me. Xander, Hell Anya
would have listened." I'm watching her casually enough
to notice she still can't look me in the eye. 
"Wouldn't have helped. I wasn't ready to return.
You'll defeat whatever's coming, have a party at the
Bronze, go home, go to bed." I shrugged my shoulders.
"I wasn't necessary and being that close to the
Hellmouth wasn't helping my nerves any."
The Slayer stood and leaned close to my ear. "I
needed you there with me."
I couldn't keep from shaking my head. I'd long
resolved that she didn't love me; I'd even managed to
look at her picture without crying, almost. "You
didn't need me. I had to leave." I was resolved.
Buffy leaned against the wall behind me. "You've
learned to control the Magic?" her change of subject
wasn't lost on me. 
"Took five years and almost leveling the Parthenon
a time or two." I grinned calmly, my control keeping
me from doing something I'd regret. 
"Xander's..."
"Dying, yes I know." I couldn't help but steal her
thunder. 
"You know." Buffy doesn't know whether to be
shocked, pissed, or relieved. 
Standing, I walked down a hallway to the back
storeroom, knowing she'd follow, I guided her past
boxes and crates to a large coffin sized crate set in
a dusty corner. Opening the crate with ease, I stepped
through into a ladderwell and climbed down. I wonder
if she noticed we didn't disturb the dust on the floor
or on the crate? Moving back towards the shop, albeit
twenty feet below, we entered my inner sanctum; my
refuge and arcane workshop. 
The wide stone chamber was the reason I built my
shop above, an actual worship temple to Hecate, Greek
Goddess of Magick. convincing the previous occupants
(a cadre of Sebek's worshippers seeking to pervert the
goddess' energy) to vacate the premises proved fairly
difficult three years ago. Set in the center of the
permanant Circle graven into the granite floor, stood
a short roman column suporting my scrying bowl.
drawing a dagger from the sheath stitched into the
lining of my vest, I touched the silver tip to the
water in the bowl while mentally picturing Xander's
smile.
I sensed Bufy the moment she entered. If I hadn't
deactivated the wards I'd set up she would have ended
up as one more scorchmark on an already blackened
wall. Stepping gingerly over the silver inlaid runes,
she came around the bowl and looked down to see
Xander's upsettingly pale and weak form in the
hospital bed far away in Sunnydale General. "Cerebral
hemmorhaging due to massive blunt force trauma." I
spoke and Buffy nodded. 
"You knew? and you haven't come?"
"And do what?" Her self righteousness was really
getting annoying. "Quit researching to fly across the
ocean to watch him die?"
Buffy's jaw dropped and I realize how she took
that, "What research could possibly be more important
than your best friend on his deathbed?"
Turning slightly, I gestured and a spellbook
floated to her hands, "I'd say keeping him alive is
fairly important." the smug tone in my voice couldn't
be helped, Buffy's anger be damned.
"Arcane and Mystical Formulae for the Healing of
the Gravely Injured." she looked up from the heavy
english with a look of hope. "Can this work?"
"If I stay here, yes." I couldn't help but needle
her a little, I'm only human. "Most of the formulas
are hopeless, the ingredients impossble to find these
days. But one or two required several components that
were difficult to find, but not impossible." Walking
past Buffy, I continued into a rest area set up in an
antechamber adjacent to the main room; set comfortably
with a bed, table, three chairs and a few lights, I
sat and a moment later, so did Buffy. 
"I have all but one of the ingredients. The bitch
was finding a scale from a Tayos Demon, those little
guys are fast." Buffy nodded with a grin. 
The blonde Slayer sighed and I think I can see a
glimmer of hope enter her eyes. "Can this work?" 
"It has to."

* * *

I sit here on Buffy's porch and watch Xander and
Dawn wrestle on the grass. To look at him, you'd never
know that four days ago, he was at Death's door,
standing on Death's welcome mat and raising his hand
to Death's doorknocker; courtesy of a
sledgehammer-wielding vampire. I can't believe Buffy
convinced me to come back here. Xander accepted it
with ease, even if I hadn't brought the elixir, I
think he'd still be happy to see me. Dawn was pissed
at me for all over thirteen point three seconds before
she smiled and hugged me. 
Giles was surprised to learn that the "Scarlet
Italian" he'd been corresponding and playing chess
with was actually me. We've agreed to keep our games
played via the mail. Otherwise, it's like little time
has passed since I left and although Giles' temples
have gotten a little more grey, it simply makes him
look more distinguished. 
I went to Tara's grave today, I placed a small
amethyst geode on her headstone and smiled, certain
that she was happy. I will always carry a deep pain
that I abused her feelings for me. But I bear that
pain willingly, one more chain in the penance I carry.

Somehow, Giles rebuilt the Magic Box, Anyanka
managing to invest a substantial amount of capital for
renovations. Xander, having "landed" the contract for
his Boss' construction company was made head foreman
and that made Anya happy. 
Dawn's graduated highschool and enrolled in UCS on
an academic scholorship. Johnny, her boyfriend of two
years, went from smoking in the bathroom to running
laps at the Los Angeles Police academy. They make a
cute couple, Johnny took the whole,
Vampires-and-demons-are-real-speech with Oz-like
stoicism. 
Angel's crew sometimes comes up for a barbeque and
good times are had by all. Angel and Cordelia's
relationship surprised me, but Buffy's reaction
moreso, I realized she was completely passed him. 
But most surprsing of all was Faith. The Psycho
bitch actually down the road to redemption. I admit, I
almost threw the Magic Missle I had conjured when I
saw her. It took a few days to keep that spell from my
lips. I took one look in her eyes and saw it. That
same things I saw in Angel's eyes. Pain and Hope.
Things have definitely changed here in Sunnydale.
but one thing hasn't. I'm not needed here. Giles' is
traning a small coven, which was nearly destroyed by
that Magic addicted traitor Amy. Some very promising
mages in his circle, the most powerful of which is
only ten years old, though from his eyes I'd say he
was ninety. 
Now I sit here, watching Xander and Dawn playbox as
Buffy and Faith spar around them, I realize it's
almost time for me to leave. the people I've lived
with for most of my life have a life without me now. I
think tonight I'll see if I remember how to draw that
circle in the basement. 
Oh... Damn. Buffy seems to be spychic these days;
instinctively knowing when my guilt monster seems to
be taking over. I can see her across the yard looking
directly at me, like she knows what I'm planning.
She's walking towards me now, Faith utterly confused
by their sudden break. Buffy knelt before me and
glared until I met her eyes with mine. "I swear by
everything I know Willow, If you vanish again, I'll
hunt you down. I don't know where you got this idea
that I don't need you, that you're unnecessary;
because you are. I couldn't do this without you. After
you left, I spent every moment I could searching for
you. I've been to every city I'd thought you'd go to
before finding you in Rome." Buffy took my chin in her
unbelievably soft fingers and whispered even softer.
"I'm not blowing smoke Will. I need you too much for
that. I love you too much." I nodded knowing how she
meant that. 
Days passed and things returned to normal. I'd
patrol a few graveyards while Faith, Buffy and Xander
would patrol others. We'd meet up at the Bronze and
relax; and for a while it felt like High School all
over again; only with alcohol. This night we were
walking home, Buffy having to go to work early in the
morning, being a counselor at the rebuilt Sunnydale
High gave her the opportunity to save students from
the perils we survived albeit barely.
The others entered the house ahead of us and buffy
and I sat on a seat on the porch; a habit we silently
started shortly after Xander's recovery. For a town
built over an aperture of Hell, Sunnydale has very
quiet nights. We sat in comfortable silence before
Buffy turned to me, "Will?"
"Yes?" I answer.
"Why'd you leave?"
"Couldn't take it anymore." I decided to speak
honestly, normally never a good idea in situations
like this. 
"Couldn't take what?" her confusion was evident.
"You." I internally winced at that one. 
"Oh." She shifted away as though to rise and leave.
my hand on her arm stopped her cold.
"I told you a long time ago how I felt about you."
I omitted the "L" word, "After I got back from
England, all I saw in your eyes was fear and anger,
maybe even hate." I shrugged. "I had to leave."
Buffy again took my face in her hands, "Willow, I
have Never hated you. But to be honest, yes I was
frightened of you, I couldn't help it. And yes I was
angry, but not at you. I was angry at myself; that day
on the hill. I wasn't the one who talked you down, it
was Xander. I was down in that hole fighting those uh,
things and I kept wondering, why I couldn't get
through to you. It came to me afterwards. You hated
me. the feelings you said you had for me were
completely gone and you reviled me. You loathed me..."
We were silent again for an agonizingly long few
minutes. Buffy took my silence as agreement and again
made to rise, stammering out an "Excuse me". This time
I shoved her down as hard as my (semi) mortal muscles
could allow and knelt before her. "Now you listen to
me Elizabeth Anne Summers. I have Never in my life or
in any of my previous lives hated you. I hated myself
for killing Warren, for fighting you, but never hated
you specifically. But the thing I hated mostly was
telling you that day that I loved you. I wish i
hadn't, then we wouldn't have drifted and, and...
Damnit!" I stood and turned towards the railing, my
hands seeking it's stability. "I shouldn't have told
you."
"I lied." she whispered.
My heart stopped. No way...
"I lied, that day... I had to." she whispered in
that tone I'd only heard when Joyce died.
"Why?"I was stunned. No, I was shattered. "Why in
hell would you lie?"
"I was scared. Of you mostly, you were so beautiful
and I was so scared of loving you, of losing you. I
loved Angel and look how that turned out. I just kept
getting these images of you being killed because some
vampire, or the Mayor heard I loved you. You were with
Oz and I figured you would be happy with him."
Anything else was broken up as the mighty slayer
before me began to sob.
It took a second for me to wrap my melon around her
rambling and I felt soemthing I didn't like. Anger. To
this day I don't recall what possessed me to do it,
but I slapped her, Hard. she looked up at me with this
glimmer of confusion and fear and my heart broke fresh
just as it did nine years ago. "Don't ever lie to me
again Buffy." I pulled her up to her feet and hugged
her tightly; she cried into my shoulder and I held her
as tightly as I could. "I will always love you, Buffy.
I never stopped. No one could take your place in my
heart, no Oz, not even Tara, and I'm sorry to say that
she knew it. You have always been the most important
thing in my life to me, I'm never letting you go
again." I practically snarled in her ear and could
feel the hissing shudder run through her body as I
turned her slightly and kissed her deeply. I never
doubted that she'd return the kiss, It felt so right,
so powerful, it almost hurt. 
I have no idea how long were out on that porch
kissing and crying, but when we entered the house, the
sky was already a shade of indigo and I knew Dawn
would be making a phone call to the school explaining
(lying) about her sister's abscence from work. We
walked hand in hand up the stairs into her room and I
knew, I was home.

That's odd, I can't remember that circle anymore...

Fin

MacBeth
The Kamikazi Scotsman
The Kilted Moogle
Third Blade of the Knightsbridge Seven
Captain, USAF SG-6, SG Command





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