Re: End of the Month State of the Gutter and Woods Outback for May 2003

[Tater <tater@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>]

TO: Director of Public Safety; all Department Heads; and all other
interested parties.
FROM: United Vegetable Empire 
SUBJECT: End of the Month State of the Gutter and Woods Outback Report for
May 2003


Item 5:
Regarding Tater's prior threat of making the demonic cabbages listen to 100
hours of Britney Spears and sending them to the Office of Public Safety if
the update to a certain fic doesn't get posted soon. Er... ... Tater? The
cabbages are demonic and possessed...they like Britney Spears, several
cabbages are lifetime members of the Britney fan club... how exactly is
making them listen to her going to be a bad thing? Besides... I have a
14-year old niece who loves her too... so she doesn't scare me that damn
much... and I do own military grade earplugs for when the Gutter Accountant
comes in to complain about the latest bills. Gods that woman has a voice
that could shatter sheet metal and scares small children and dogs daily.

Because after 100 hours of watching her videos, they'll show up in slinky
halter tops and low rider pants and dance like Britney Spears. Have you
ever seen a demonic cabbage in a halter top and low riders? **shudder**
And I know you have seen them dance. Do you really want to see it again?

And if that doesn't work, we'll resort to cruel and unusual punishment.
We'll show them 100 hours of Richard Simmons exercise videos, and then tell
them we've heard you want to get in shape.


Item 7:
If the lone cabbage is not removed or at least successfully muzzled there is
talk of letting Kimber use a 9mm with armour piercing bullets to blow said
lone cabbage to Veggie heaven. At the moment, I am reluctant to allow such
use of excessive force mainly because everyone would want to do it and there
would be a streak of demonic cabbages and/or watermelon slayings... and that
cannot be allowed to happen. Unless it happens to be the United Vegetable
Empire's sacred 'Veggie Blasting Festival' where all criminal vegetables are
executed with high powered fire aims to ensure that only very small pieces
of the criminal remains in as large an area as possible with the biggest
bang possible, but that has long been a Vegetable Only Celebration and
closed to all outsiders. Face it some of our more trigger happy Forest
Dwellers would just get it into their heads that Spike/Buffy and/or
Riley/Xander shippers are veggies that should be blasted during the
Festival. However, that is a racist slur against admittedly culturally
different sentient beings and not to mention is down right insulting to the
veggies to begin with to be compared to such vile creatures as BS and RX
shippers.

Just for the record, Spike/Buffy and Riley/Xander shippers are most
certainly NOT veggies, and never have been or will be. Although we will
consider adding a special blasting festival for them to our annual holiday
schedule.

As for the Elvis cabbage, if you toss him a peanutbutter and banana
sandwich, he shuts up and goes away. We have no idea where he goes. We
don't really want to know.


>Item 8:
>There is new concern that Coleslaw Head is NOT a native demonic cabbage but
is really a foreign cabbage sent to infiltrate and cause division among the
residents of the Woods Outback and the United Vegetable Empire. According
to rumour, we actually have a terrorist cabbage sent by Dark Yoghurt for
Brain's Liberation of Spam Army that has vowed to takeover the UVE and turn
it into a fundamentalist telemarketer society. As Director of Public Safety
and a Senior Member of the Gutter and Woods Outback Self-Defence Force and
Lynch Mob I have formally assured Tater that the Gutter and Woods Outback
will not allow sure terrorist activity to go unchallenged! We will hunt
down and destroy this DYBLSA menace... after all those demonic cabbages are
ours too and we're the only ones that can mess with them and cause
inter-gutter incidents that almost always involves a gang rumble between the
Vampire Fruit Bats and Vampire Tomatoes and someone's car getting wet noodled.

Nope, definitely not one of ours. We would never defend ham. Besides, any
of our demonic cabbages would end up shredding themselves entirely,
triggering the sacred funerary rite of the picnic featuring coleslaw. As we
are concerned about possible mad cabbage disease, please dispose of this
imposter in a way that leaves his remains inedible.


Item 9:

Three cheers for the Sovereign Kingdom of Denial!

Hip hip hooray!

Hip hip hooray!

Hip hip hooray!


tater (Vegetables of the world unite!)
Head: United Vegetable Empire