Afterife Happens (4/?) (B/W) PG

["ivygort" <ivygort@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>]

Author Ivy Gort            

Spoilers up to Afterlife and then it takes off in another direction.

Direct quotes from the episode Afterlife written by Jane Epson. 

Rating: PG

Feedback: Please!

Archive: Just ask.

Previous Parts:

http://www.fanfiction.net/profile.php?userid=30044 

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters nor do I claim ownership of this fiction.

Summary: Willow has to deal with the consequences of her actions.

A big special thanks to Ann Marie for BETAing this monster. She really went above and beyond with this part!



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Part Four

 

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I stand up and dash the tears from my eyes. Tara was gone, I knew her inside and out, and she was truly gone. There would be time for tears, privatetears, in the future.   

 

Now, I had to check on Buffy. I ignore the questioning glance from Xander and the accusing glare from Dawn to turn toward the Slayer. She was so beautiful; my heart just melted all over again. It looks like she had been sucking on her thumb the way her fisted hand was laying next to her face. She had pulled into herself; she only slept on her side when she had strong nightmares. I learned that during the High School sleepovers we would have when my parents were out of town. I was the one she trusted with her troubles back then, not Spike. 

 

It seems like this one was one of the 'bad ones.' The kind that was more night a terror than nightmare. That's if the tear tracks and muffled moans were any indication. I have to still my hand as it instinctively reaches to shake her awake, like I used to do. 

 

"Willow, she's dreaming, wake her up." Dawn tells me from behind. "You know you're the only one that could ever do it safely." I swallow the ironic laugh. Dawn doesn't know that I'm teetering on the edge of insanity. She doesn't know that Buffy probably hates me right now. 

 

But, she's right; compassion demands that I wake the Slayer from whatever holds her in its grip. She is enspelled and I don't know if she can fight her own way out of the dream. It's hard enough for her do it when she's sleeping normally! 

 

'How will you be able to control her when she wakes?' The nagging little voice was back. The answer of course was: I don't know. OK, cue the power sluggishly turning its head like a long asleep anaconda, 'Oh, but we will be able to easily keep her under control. Actually, she will never have to even know it.' The Power whispers seductively in my ear. It is watching, waiting for any chance to be released into the world again.

 

"No. Never." I tell it not realizing that I say it out loud, until I feel Xander's comforting hand on my shoulder.

 

"What Will? Why not wake Buffy up?" He gently tightens his fingers as an affirmation of his words. "What's going on?" 

 

I turn my head to the side to see concern, confusion, and trust in his deepbrown eyes. The trust nearly does me in and I walk into his strong warm arms.

 

"I have so messed up Xander." My voice is muffled against his shirt. For once Dawn doesn't say anything, as I feel her supportive arms wrap around both of us.

 

"You brought her back, Willow. There is nothing.." I just cry harder drowning out the youngest Summers' words. 

 

After a few more minutes I think I have enough control to try and help Buffy with her nightmare.

 

Xander and Dawn let me step out of their arms without a word. Both are looking at me for answers I don't have at the moment. 

 

Turn away from their eyes and just think Willow! I command. Just think..

 

"Xander where is Oz's gun?" I ask turning back to him.

 

"Huh?" His confusion was evident.

 

"Willow, no?" Dawn starts but I wave at her to be quiet.

 

Xander blinks at me as he realizes that I'm serious and then his dark eyes grow deeper with worry.

 

Before he can answer Dawn does. "It's in the closet down stairs, the dartsare on the top shelve." She turns, "I'll go get it, last time I checked the drugs were still in date." She's out the door and poor Xander was still at. "Um."  

 

I have to dismiss him from my mind. I'm hoping that we won't have to use the gun on Buffy but its nice to have backup in case what I'm about to try doesn't work. I refuse to use the Power I have; I refuse to unleash it, I mean me, on the world. At least not with my friends in the fallout zone. So I'm going to try the next best thing.

 

Just like Tara, Buffy is an empath; it's how she knows when vampires are around. She can feel vampire's emotions inside of her. I'm hoping she'll beable to feel me. I start taking deep cleansing breaths like Tara tried to teach me last winter.  

 

"Find your center Willow; everything comes from the center of you." I hear her words in my ear. I, of course, didn't want to find my center, I wantedlearn spells. I didn't want to waste my time learning the "touchy feely" side of magic. Buffy needed Power to fight Glory. But that wasn't the real reason that I ignored Tara's teachings, the real reason was that I thought I knew better. Now I know I didn't.  

 

'Too late now..' It tells me. 

 

'No, its not.' I answer. 

 

I start to breathe, in one two three, out one two three.. 

 

'How boring!' I hear it mumble. 'You don't have to do it this way, all youhave to do is wave your hand..'

 

I keeping taking deeps breaths, the way Tara tried to show me. Thank God that Xander's quiet or he could ruin my concentration.

 

As I breathe, I finally begin to relax, and I'm able to start thinking about Buffy.

 

I think of how she looks with the sun shining in her hair, turning it into golden silk. I think of her kindness, of her bravery, of the way she fights and how much it resembles ballet.

 

When I'm ready, I walk around the bed and start to stroke the damp hair away from her face. I try to project my love in my touch - experience the peace her beauty gives me - I want her to know what she gives me everyday justby being my friend.

 

I'm frightened that the power might rise but it stays dormant - silent - I don't know why. 

 

Slowly, I hear her sobbing stop. She uncurls from the ball that she had pulled herself into, to lie flat on her back. I watch as she takes a huge breath and then releases it and I know she's drifted into a calm, more peaceful rest.

 

Since the Power stays quiet I risk looking at Buffy with the sight that Tara taught me to use. She could naturally read auras, whereas I never thought of it as an important skill. You don't need to see a Vamp's aura to knowit's evil.

 

I can't be sure about Buffy's because that part of me is so weak, but I think she's in a deep dreamless sleep.

 

Dawn appears in the doorway with the gun. She looks at me and I shake my head no. Relieved she hands the gun to the still confused and stunned Xander.

 

My best friend, a little slow on the uptake sometimes, but I love him anyway. I just hope he still loves me after he hears what I have to say.  

 

I don't want to leave Buffy alone and yet, I don't want to have this conversation in here, so I compromise on Dawn's room. I know that from her doorway I can just see Buffy. I can't stay still so I pace in the small area. I just don't know how to tell them this awful news.  

 

Xander stands with the gun close to the doorway, which interferes with my pacing, so I glare at him until he moves further into the room. Dawn just makes herself comfortable on her bed.

 

My pacing takes me out of sight of Buffy for a second so I rush out of the room to look at her.  

 

"First thing we buy," I tell them walking back, "is a baby monitor."  

 

Dawn picks up one of her stuffed animals and hugs it close to her. I can feel her worried eyes on me. Xander is just waiting for me to say how bad it is, and then he can go about trying to fix it.

 

I face them, they have the right to see my eyes and know that I'm a monster.

 

"Buffy wasn't in Hell, like I thought, she was in Heaven." I blurt out.

 

"So that's what you meant this morning?" Xander says, yes . he's sometimes not the brightest.

 

"I don't care." Dawny tells us softly, as one single tear overflows and tracks silently down her face. "I don't care, I know that makes me a selfish person, I'm just glad she's back. I needed my sister." 

 

She seems to calm while saying her piece; I was worried that we were going to be treated to one of her legendary temper tantrums. She also doesn't seem surprised by my revelation.

 

"So what's the stitch Will?" Xander asks as he wipes at his eyes. "We-we took her out of Heaven, as in the angels sing and the trumpets sound?" His weak joke falls flat.

 

"Yes, we-I since I'm the one that insisted on doing the ritual, 'tore'--I think her exact words were--that we tore her out of Heaven." I don't want to mince words with them. I want them to know just how bad it is, just how damned I am. That I'm a vile dirty thing and I don't belong here.  

 

I wait for their words of disgust, I brace to hear the worse they have to offer because I deserve it. I deserve to be punished, to be banned or exiled from them. I couldn't stand to see the depth of their hatred so I turn back to go check on Buffy.  

 

I guess my hideous crime has left them speechless. The Power is beginning to notice my despair-it's waking again-it can take all this away.

 

"Willow." Xander is right in front of me; he grips both my shoulders and gives me a small shake.  

 

"Xander?" I'm a little confused and slightly panicked. The last time this happened Tara left.. Buffy?

 

"Where's the gun.."

 

Dawn gives me a tiny wave with her free hand, she has the gun.  

 

Lost time, yes, right.

 

"Will, you just zoned out there for a minute." He tells me, watching me intently. I shake off his hands and resume my pacing.   

 

"Sorry." I choke out as the pain overwhelms me again and I crumble to my knees sobbing. 'How many times in one day can I cry, how many tears do I have to shed before it will all just stop?'

 

I vaguely notice Dawn standing up and handing the gun over to Xander. I feel her arms going around me and I want to pull away, I want her not to bother with me. They need to watch Buffy in case she wakes up. But she is so warm and right now I am so cold.

 

After some time I'm able to pull myself together and while I don't stop crying I can at least form words.

 

"Thank you Dawn," I tell her pushing away to stand up. I notice that Xander has taken over my place by the door, watching Buffy, and us. I'm relieved that he realized the need.

 

As I'm standing up I realize that I'm still weak and my knees start to buckle but Dawn is there to help me sit on her bed. She reaches behind her andpicks up a cup of water that is on her dresser. I guess that's where Xander went to get the water. 

 

After I take a good drink, almost emptying the entire cup in one gulp, I give it back to Dawn. She hands me a wet wash cloth, the coldness feels goodon my hot skin.

 

"Willow, I know you feel rotten and awful but I want you to hear us out." Dawn has her version of resolve face on so I know I'm stuck.

 

"We're not sorry about having her back." Now Dawn is crying, too. 

 

Xander clears his throat. "Will, you are still the boss of us." He states softly. Then clears his throat again. "Dawn and I have figured out that Buffy doesn't want to be here. So what do we do to keep her alive?"

 

I tell them simply; "I don't know."

 

We look at each other, and then we know what to do.

 

"We need Giles." We say at the same time. 

 

"I'll check on his flight and see if he can get an earlier one." Dawn says,leaving the room. Xander walks over and touches my shoulder and then goesinto Buffy's room.  

 

I'm left alone sitting on the youngest Summers' bed. She's no longer the only Summers thanks to me.  

 

They think we need Giles for Buffy alone, they don't know that I need him, and I'm not sure if he can or even if he will want to help me. But I need him anyway.

 

End of Part Four

 

 




Bright Blessings,

Ivy


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