Re: End of the Month State of the Gutter and Woods Outback Report for June 2003

[GHRDR <ghrdr@xxxxxxxxx>]

--- GHRDR <ghrdr@xxxxxxxxx> wrote:
> To: Hand_of_Chaos@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
> From: GHRDR <ghrdr@xxxxxxxxx>
> Date: Mon, 7 Jul 2003 20:15:56 -0700 (PDT)
> Subject: Re: [ The Hand of Chaos ] End of the Month
> State of the Gutter and Woods Outback Report for
> June 2003
> 
> 
> --- ShadowDrake <Shadowlander1@xxxxxxx> wrote:
> > TO: All Department Heads; United Vegetable
> Empire;
> > and all other interested parties.
> > FROM: Director of Public Safety
> > SUBJECT: End of the Month State of the Gutter and
> > Woods Outback Report for June 2003
> > 
:: Small furry little menace of a fruit-napper
steps
up to podium wearing dark sunglasses and a dark
T-shirt that reads, "Anti-Sun Worshipping
Association Local #1701" :: Yes, Ladies and
Gentlemen it is that time once again, when I force
the lot of you to gather and explain just why the
> > Gutter Accountant felt the need to wake me out of
> a
> > sound sleep in the middle of day to yell at me
> about
> > expenses going through the roof and to complain
> > about someone moving everything around on her desk
> > and holding her stapler hostage. Now with that
> said
> > lets get down to business so everyone can start
> > finger pointing and getting their alibis straight.
> > 
> > Item 1:
> > We have been receiving reports of random eggplant
> > slayings near the demonic cabbage patch, while we
> > are not sure if this is some Ancient Veggie Ritual
> > of Ceremonial Eggplant Sacrificing or just the
> > overzealous yams trying to force the Cult of the
> > Cauliflower on the rest of the Vegetable World, we
> > do know that for once it is not the Koala's doing.
> 
> > Said Koala has been off studying hard for his up
> > coming promotion to Ultimate Dark Jedi Master so
> he
> > can begin to form his Night Shadow-dwellers of the
> > Moon Commandoes that will become the foundation
> for
> > his all Furry Delinquent Mischief and Mayhem
> > Spreading Army to counter the spread of Adult-ness
> > in the Kingdom of Denial.
> > 
> 
> About the Eggplant Sacrifice... The Hacker was heard
> to say she wanted to try the new fad, patirini(?), a
> toasted eggplant sandwich, well some of the Gutter
> Residents are trying to make brownie points with her
> by offering her variations of said sandwich... I
> hope
> their medical insurance is paid up when the Golden
> Slayer finds out.
> 
> 
> > Item 2:
> > Regarding reports of something resembling the long
> > thought destroyed evil that is "Strawberry
> > Shortcake" and the "Care Bears" returning and
> trying
> > to set up a colony somewhere in the Woods Outback.
> 
> > Such acts of 'settlement' within the borders of
> the
> > Gutter and/or Woods Outback by these demons will
> not
> > be tolerated. Members of the "Anti-deformation of
> > Strawberry Shortcake League" and the "Caring for
> > Care Bears Association" have argued that we have
> not
> > made a fuss about the Possessed Cabbages within
> our
> > borders and by denying the colony of Strawberry
> > Shortcake and Care Bears to be built we are
> > discriminating against these unbearably cute
> beings.
> > As Director of Public Safety, it is my duty to
> keep
> > the Gutter and Woods Outback as well as all
> citizens
> > within our borders and protectorates of the
> Kingdom
> > of Denial as safe and as protected as possible. I
> > also deny and resent the accusation that I, or any
> > member of the Senior Executive Committee of List
> > Gutter Affairs, is discriminating against anyone
> or
> > any being. The fact is the Demonic Cabbage Patch
> > was right there it is when we moved in, its been
> > there for about 5 million years or so... besides
> it
> > is the Cabbages that have been raising the most
> hell
> > about NOT letting the Care Bear and Strawberry
> > Shortcake demons in! 
> > 
> 
> I remember the last invasion back in the eighties
> and
> I will not put up with a repeat of the whole sorrid
> affair. I have called up the Reserves of the Swamp
> Defense/Party Brigade and placed them on roving
> patrols around the Gutter and Woods Outback.
> 
> 
> > Item 3:
> > Regarding the recent 'mishap' at an LA mall
> > involving the Seer and Dark Slayer, according to
> the
> > report apparently the Dark Chosen One and the Seer
> > was arguing near centre court and Cordy told her
> to
> > quote "Bite me".... so she did... repeatedly...
> and
> > that led to making out... and then on to things no
> > child should see... luckily the police cleared the
> > mall until they was done and then started looking
> > for their Woods Outback escort... the guardian
> > papers lists our beloved Scooter Tramp of a
> > Were-badger Alex as the person to contact in case
> of
> > trouble. At the moment, Alex Badger was not
> > available for comment but was last seen with a big
> > wicked grin on his face and a camcorder. If
> someone
> > should see him, please tell him that there are
> > orders for mass copies to be made of the tape and
> > yes, he still has to make the 4% donation of all
> > revenue on taped and/or recorded frisky and
> > naughtiness to the Gutter and Woods Outback Centre
> > to Save Mischief and Mayhem.
> > 
> 
> I ask that the Were-Badger please submit a copy of
> this incident to the Senior Executive Committee of
> List Gutter Affairs, free of charge, so we can
> determine if this was infact a heavy make-out
> session
> or another case of Slayer Lust that needs to be
> documented. The SECLGA will meet for an emergency
> session as soon as a copy of the evidence is
> secured.
> 
> 
> > Item 4:
> > It has been reported that a certain unnamed furry
> > little purring menace has been seen making a cameo
> > in a Hand of Chaos fic... when asked the small
> beast
> > in question replied. "What? I was doing it for a
> > friend... and besides that pocket was nice and
> warm
> > and there was fruit involved! I'm a fruit bat...
> of
> > course I'll be making the cameo!" The little
> beast
> > was furthered overheard muttering something about
> > silly humans and being mad about not being small
> > enough to fit into pockets.
> > 
> 
> Yeah... O_O;
> 
> 
> > Item 5:
> > The Dan One... moderator on the BuffywantsWillow
> and
> > BuffylovesWillow lists was taken into protective
> > custody by Gutter and Woods Outback Security and
> > locked in Gutter North Tower until further notice.
> 
> > He will be held until the Mischief and the Mayhem
> > can once again run amok on the lists without fear
> of
> > the 'censor gnomes' stepping into to make
> everyone's
> > fun... not fun. Dan was picked via special 'pool
> > ball lotto' in which he will remain locked up in
> the
> > North Tower and have to listen to the Spuffy
> > {Spike/Buffy shippers} pitch their reasons their
> > ship is the best and should be allowed to post on
> > the BWW and BLW lists. Dan has to be locked up to
> > prevent him from ordering a wet noodle nuke
> > strike... it is strictly for his protection and
> > we're not letting him out until we're sure he's
> not
> > been converted into a Spuffy shipper after having
> to
> > hear all those whacked out plot ideas and reasons.
> 
> > If Dan can manage to retain his sanity he will be
> > awarded the Golden Stake and get to act as the
> > Chosen Two's practice dummy for a half hour... any
> > longer and he could get hurt you know.
> > 
> 
> The mates of the Chosen Two will be present to make
> sure no funny business ensures on behalf of the
> tackle
> dummy. Dan, if you can remember after the torture,
> that an irrate Hacker, who has codes to everyone's
> bank accounts, and a pissed off Seer are people you
> really don't want to tick-off.
> 
> 
> > Item 6:
> > Hamtaro - that ugly little rat that is suppose to
> be
> > a hamster I'm told... its scaring the demonic
> > cabbages and our resident swamp dwelling alligator
> > who is demanding the right to death roll the rat. 
> > Apparently said rat...er, hamster scared the
> Golden
> > Slayer's little sister forcing her official
> > cuddle-gator to cuddle with her for well over and
> > hour before moving onto kissage. Exactly how that
> > is a bad thing we're not sure, but the Gator in
> > question is ticked off over the evil little rodent
> > and wants to chomp it after suitably death rolling
> > it. 
> > 
> 
> Let's put it this way... what Dawnie can do with her
> tongue while kissing should be one of the Deadly
> Sins.
> Joyce-Mom has also stated that anything remotely
> looking/feeling like it's going past the kissing
> stage
> will result in new alligator acessories for the
> females of Casa Summers. So of course I'm tick at
> the
> rat in question, he took away from kissing time with
> Dawn.
> 
> =====
> Ghrdr
> Lurking Gator, Mad Torturer...1st Class, C-I-C of
> the Viking Pigs, Arch Duke of Hell(in training)
> 
> There can be no great genius without a touch of
> madness, in my case I'm a bit more touched...
> 
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=====
Ghrdr
Lurking Gator, Mad Torturer...1st Class, C-I-C of the Viking Pigs, Arch Duke of Hell(in training)

There can be no great genius without a touch of madness, in my case I'm a bit more touched...

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