FIC: Changing Rooms in the House of Scooby

["cdreramius" <o163210@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx>]

Title: Changing Rooms in the House of Scooby
Authors: Mike and Tony McD
Rating: mild R
Category: season 7 AU/ early season 3 AU.
Pairings: B/X, W/X, B/W, B/X/W
Summary: Follows `Bad Habits of the House of Scooby'. Xander is 
Buffy, Buffy is Xander, Willow is confused, and they're all in 
trouble. 
Distribution: Anywhere, just let us know.
Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer nor do I own any 
other characters. This is a work of fiction written for fun and 
enjoyment. 
Authors' notes: This is a collaborative effort between Tony and me 
due to Tony's illness. Feedback is appreciated.
Author's note 2: This will make sense if you remember that Buffy is 
in Xander's body and Xander is in Buffy's body.

*-*-*-*

Nathan and James prowled the darkened back streets of Sunnydale with 
a purpose. For centuries that purpose was to hunt, to feed, to spread 
terror wherever they went. But tonight they had but one focus.

Revenge.

Revenge for their brothers lost to the Slayers and the turn coat 
Angelus. Tonight they would build an army of vampires and suck the 
very marrow from the Slayers bones. Up ahead they could hear the 
footsteps of their first victim, the first they would press into 
their service.

They quickly advanced on the young man. When they were 10 feet away 
the man turned and faced them.

"Hello lads. Out for a walk are we?" the man asked with a distinct 
English accent. A pair of plopping sounds, a sting, and the Lancaster 
Brother's world went black.

*-*-*-*

Willow awoke early the next morning in Buffy's bed. She had been up 
until the wee small hours trying to track down the Antelope Trust for 
Joyce. Following the electronic trail left by the Antelope Trust, she 
traced it back to a large law firm in LA.

That's where she hit the wall.

The firm had in place a sophisticated firewall and other protections 
that stopped her cold. Willow hadn't seen this level of protection 
outside of secure military networks and that left her wondering why a 
law firm would have such a level of security. After a few hours of 
probing and searching Willow had got nowhere.

Sitting back, Willow decided that she needed to look at the problem 
from a different angle. They had a strong security system, but 
security is only as strong as its weakest link. Find the weak link 
and exploit it.

An idea popped into her head and Willow started looking at the 
traffic flow to and from the law firm's system to the outside world. 
That's when she hit pay dirt.

The law firm did a large number of on line transactions with a book 
and stationary company whose security was easily bypassed. Once she 
was in their system, Willow uploaded a data-mining program to the 
book company's system. The program would piggy-back onto a 
transaction and once inside the law firms system would hunt down the 
Antelope Trust for Willow.

All she could do now was wait for the working week to start and her 
program to be delivered.

Smiling at the thought of her cleverness, Willow rolled over and her 
eyes fell upon the picture beside Buffy's bed. The picture was of 
her, Buffy, and Xander taken by Joyce a few months ago.

Their current problems would be fixed, Willow was sure of that now; 
she could feel it in her bones. But there was another dark cloud on 
the horizon.

Life after high school.

Willow knew she was academically gifted; she had been in the top one 
percent of students her whole life. She would have the choice of any 
university in the country and (with her new found wealth thanks to 
the Antelope Trust) universities around the world.

She had the freedom to do anything she wanted.

But what did she want to do with her life?

With a sigh, she got out of bed and went through Buffy's wardrobe for 
a change of clothes. The trio had a number of changes of clothes at 
each other's places, mostly due to post slayage sleep overs and demon 
goo encrustations.

With a fresh set of clothes, Willow headed off for a shower and an 
early breakfast.

*-*-*-*

The house was quiet as Willow entered the Summers kitchen. Giles and 
Joyce had stayed up and talked practically the whole night, it was 
only when Willow retired around 3:30am did they realise just how late 
(or early) it was. Giles had promised to return after lunch to check 
up on how Willow was going with her hunt for the Antelope Trust. 
Giles and Joyce had enjoyed each other's company. They loved the 
Scoobies dearly but it was good to talk to another adult for a change.

Willow had to admit that the night had been a success of sorts. Buffy 
and Xander were, if the yelling they heard was any indication, 
working out their problems. Normally yelling was a bad sign, but with 
Buffy and Xander it was just part of their fiery relationship. Two 
strong willed, short tempered, pig headed, passionate people in a 
relationship always meant fireworks would be a major part of their 
love lives.

Spying a banana in the fruit bowl Willow grabbed it and wondered 
around the kitchen a bit making up her mind on what she wanted with 
it.

Looking at the banana, her face lit up with a cheerful grin.

"One banana, two banana, three banana, four." She sang cheerfully, 
remembering the reruns she and Xander used to watch as kids. Her trip 
down memory lane was halted by Buffy softly calling out her name.

"Willow!"

"Buffy? Have you and Xander worked out your problems yet? Because 
you're not coming out of there until you do."

"All except one. We're in big trouble down here, so open the door!"

Willow grew alarmed at the tone of Buffy's voice. She was power 
freaking big time and that fact scared Willow. Something majorly bad 
had to be going on to freak out the Slayer so much.

Torn between her fear of whatever had Buffy so freaked out and her 
fear for her two loves locked down in the basement, she unconsciously 
gripped her banana as if where a stake and unlocked the door.

No sooner had she cleared the door it was slammed shut causing Willow 
to nearly jump out of her skin. She wheeled around and saw a wild-
eyed Buffy pressing up against the door.

"Damn it Xander! Stop hyperventilating or you'll faint again."

Willow looked down into the basement and saw Xander standing in the 
corner, naked except for a bath towel. Willow smiled at the 
implication.

"Cool, looks like you guys have made out, uh, I mean up." Willow 
corrected her self. Then Xander's comment sunk in.

"Uh, why did you just call Buffy Xander?"

"Because I am Xander!" The blonde hissed. Willow looked at the Slayer 
sceptically.

"Ok, you guys are just getting back at me for locking you two down 
here by messing with my mind."

"The only messing with minds that's going on is me waking up this 
morning in touch with my feminine side!"

Willow suddenly wasn't so sure this was a joke any more. Buffy was 
acting decidedly un-Buffy like.

"Look, if you don't believe us then ask us about stuff only each of 
us would know." The Xander shaped Buffy challenged.

"Alright, er, Xander." Willow said not sure who she should be 
facing "Who was our first grade teacher?"

"Mr Steinway." The blonde replied.

"Ok, um, Buffy. What's your favourite colour lipstick?"

"Passion pink, but I think I more like the Berry red I borrowed from 
Cordelia the other day."

"Xander, how did you break your leg in third grade?" Willow asked.

"Stacy Williams dared me to climb higher than her up her mother's 
tree and I fell."

"You only fell because you were concentrating less on climbing the 
tree and more on looking up Stacy's dress and oh my God you're 
Xander!" Willow babbled. "But how?"

"We don't know." Buffy told her. "Last night we fought, we made up, I 
woke up this morning to watch Xander faint like a big sissy."

"You'd faint too if you woke up without your penis!"

"Xander! I woke up WITH your penis!" Buffy nearly screamed. Willow 
shushed at her.

"Xander! Er, I mean, Buffy! Keep it down or you'll wake your mother 
up."

"Will, you gotta get me some clothes." Buffy said adjusting her towel.

"Why? What happened..." Willow took note of the torn clothes that lay 
on the floor. "That happen during the fight?"

"During the making up actually." Buffy said a little sheepishly. Both 
Buffy and Xander had a little smile as they remembered the previous 
night. Willow flushed a little at the image she had in her mind. She 
shook her head and returned her focus to the situation at hand.

"Clothes. Check. I think Xander has some clothes in your wardrobe."

"Good. And don't wake mom up yet. She's gonna have enough trouble 
dealing with the fact that her only daughter is now a man, without 
having to deal with the full monty Xander." Buffy explained to the 
hacker. Xander shuddered.

"I second that motion." He said. Willow turned to leave when a 
thought struck her.

"How come you've got clothes," Willow indicated to Xander who was 
wearing a pair of Buffy's track pants and a t-shirt "and Xander, er, 
Buffy hasn't?"

"We did the washing, remember?" Buffy reminded Willow. Xander smirked.

"God bless the spin cycle." Buffy shot her boyfriend a venomous 
glare. Willow left wondering just exactly what in the hell those two 
had got up to last night.

*-*-*-*

"So let me get this straight. You're in Xander's body?"

"Yes."

"And Xander, you're in Buffy's body."

"Exactly."

"I see." Giles sat back as his mind did a million miles an hour. He, 
the three Scoobies, and Joyce were seated around the kitchen table. 
Buffy and Xander told them what had happened, except for the rampant 
acts of carnal nudity part. 

"So how do we fix it?" Willow asked the Watcher. Giles dug through 
his memory for anything on transference spells.

"Transference spells are a powerful magic& um, they normally require 
some kind of focus."

"Focus?" Buffy asked.

"A focus. It's an object t-t-that acts as the power centre for the 
spell. A rod, an amulet, a device of some kind.."

"An amulet? You mean something like a medallion?

"Yes, I.." Giles stopped as Xander groaned and lowered his, well, 
Buffy's head to the table. Three sets of eyes bored onto him like 
lasers. Buffy was struggling to keep her temper in check.

"Tell. Us. About. The. Medallion." She said through gritted teeth.

"I found it last week. I tried researching it with Giles' books and 
came up with nothing. I went around to see if Angel knew anything 
about it but he had company that night," he looked at Buffy who 
flinched a little at his gaze "so I brought it here last night to see 
if Will or Giles could figure it out."

"And where is the medallion now?" Giles, his anger building, wanted 
to know.

"In the basement. I'll go get it." The delicate features of Buffy's 
face were now long with regret and embarrassment. Xander returned a 
few moments later with even a worse expression.

"And this just gets better by the moment." He told them as he placed 
the medallion on the table.

It was broken in half.

"That's one mystery answered. Now how do we reverse it?" Buffy 
directed her question to Giles who was examining the medallion.

"First of all we need to determine its origin. Its appearance seems 
to be Mayan, or Aztec, possibly Incan."

"Incan. I hate Incan." Moaned Xander.

"Be that as it may," Giles declared "my resources in this particular 
area are thin but I do know a fellow from the university who's an 
expert on South American relics."

Watching all this was Joyce who had recovered from her initial shock 
and was currently worried for her daughter.

"Rupert, this can be reversed, can't it?"

Giles didn't know how to respond. He didn't want to lie to Joyce, but 
he didn't want to worry her needlessly either. Willow picked up on 
his hesitance and jumped in.

"If there's anyone in the world who can fix this, them it's Giles."

Giles only hoped her faith wasn't misplaced.

*-*-*-*

After Giles had left, the gang had to start thinking about the 
practicalities of the new situation.

"So, which one of you is the Slayer now?" Willow wondered. Her 
question was met by shrugged shoulders.

"How can we find out, you know, without having to fight a vampire?"

Buffy picked up a banana out of the fruit bowl and hurled it at 
Xander's now blonde head. It his him right between the eyes.

"Ow!" Xander yelped and rubbed the spot where the piece of fruit had 
hit him. "What the hell was that for? I'm mean honestly! Who throws a 
banana?"

"Sorry Xan, it's just when I met my first watcher he tried to prove 
that I was the Slayer by throwing this huge knife at my head. Hence 
the banana." Buffy explained apologetically.

"Alright, so we know Xander hasn't got the Slayer reflexes, how about 
the strength?"

"Arm wrestle." Xander challenged, propping his arm up on the table in 
the classic arm wrestling pose.

"Fine." Buffy replied and locked hands with Xander. She looked down 
at their hands.

"I never realised just how tiny I am compared to you."

"You're bigger than Willow."

"Hey!" the redhead interjected. Xander gave his patented lop sided 
smile which was very odd on Buffy's face.

"Ya ready Buff?"

"Yep. Wills, you wanna do the honours." Willow placed her hand over 
theirs and had to concede Xander's point.

"Ready, set, GO!" Willow called out and lifted her hand away from 
theirs. Xander slammed Buffy's hand into the table. Buffy winced as a 
stab of pain shot up her arm.

"You OK Buffy?" a concerned Willow asked. Buffy rubbed her arm trying 
to get some feeling back.

"Yeah. I'll be OK." Xander's body might be big compared to Buffy's, 
but size counted for nothing with Slayer strength. "Remind me that we 
need to start using safety words."

"I'm so sorry Buffy, I didn't.."

"Don't worry about it. It took me a while to get used to the super 
strength when I got called." Buffy told him.

"OK, well, we know that Buffy has the reflexes and Xander has the 
strength. So what do we do now?"

Xander got up and fetched an ice pack for Buffy to put on her arm. 
The trio sat around the kitchen table in a sullen silence. The sudden 
lack of her Slayer powers was disquieting to Buffy. They had become 
such a part of who she was that she was feeling.. empty, and just a 
little scared.

Then another feeling seeped into Buffy consciousness.

"Uh oh."

"Buff, what's with the uh oh?" Xander asked.

"I gotta go."

"Go? Go where?"

"Bathroom."

There was very large, extremely awkward silence.

*-*-*-*

"A week or so? A WEEK OR SO!?!?" Buffy near shrieked at her Watcher 
later that afternoon.

"Xander, please calm down!" Buffy glared at Giles. Giles scrunched up 
his eyes at his error.

"Oh blast it!" taking his glasses off, Giles pinched between his 
eyes, a sure sign of frustration. Taking a deep calming breath, he 
continued.

"If the medallion had been intact we could have switched you back 
right away, but since it's not we have to wait for the magic to wear 
off."

"But a week? Can't we do something to speed it up? Maybe some push-
ups or lots of coffee?" Xander tried desperately.

"The only thing we can do is wait unfortunately. However there are a 
number of practicalities we need to consider, among which are living 
arrangements, slaying, and schooling."

"They're both staying here where I can keep my eye on them." Joyce 
said firmly. "And they're both going to school Monday."

"But mom!" Buffy whined. Joyce cut her off.

"No, you're going to school and that's final. It's an important year 
for you Buffy. You've got your SAT's coming up and if you want to be 
able to go to a good college then you can't afford to miss a week of 
school. You're just going to have to work this out as best you can."

"You haven't got any tests this week, have ya Buff?" Xander asked.

"We've got a computer revision test, remember?"

"That's right, we do." Xander turned to Willow. "Maybe if we explain 
our situation to our computer teacher she might be able to cut us 
some slack, right Miss Rosenberg?"

"Well, um, I.. alright. But I'm only doing this just this once and 
only because it's a real emergency. And don't think you don't have to 
study or do the homework either mister. See," Willow said pointing to 
herself "resolve face."

"You're the greatest teacher Willow." Buffy told her girlfriend.

"Uh, teacher? Willow's your teacher?" a confused Joyce asked them. 
Willow bit her lip and explained.

"After Miss Calendar, um, died, they couldn't find a replacement to 
teach her classes, so Principal Snyder got me to teach them."

"How come this hasn't come up at the PTA?" Joyce demanded. Giles 
stammered of a bit before Xander piped up.

"Because Snyder, that little Ferengi, is too much of a tight ass to 
cough up the money when he can use slave labour." Joyce slipped into 
angry mother mode.

"You better believe this is coming up at the next PTA meeting. Rat-
boy won't know what hit him when I'm done."

Buffy truly loved her mom at this point. No matter how screwy her 
life got with her calling, her mom would always be a rock of sanity 
and normality. Willow spoke up.

"If you're both staying here then we better get clothes and stuff 
from Xander's place."

"Oh God!" Xander moaned.

"What?"

"Faith's gonna find out about this, isn't she?" he asked, dreading 
the answer.

"She needs to know as she will be taking on much of the slaying for 
the time being." Informed Giles.

"She's never gonna let me live this down." Xander complained.

He was right.

*-*-*-*

"You guys were supposed to meet me here almost half an hour ago." 
Willow said as Buffy and Xander entered the quadrangle early on 
Monday morning.

"It took me forty minutes to get the Maybelline girl here ready."

"Somebody, not gonna mention any names Buffy Anne Summers, insisted 
on me wearing makeup." Xander shot back, trying very hard not to wipe 
off the gunk on his face. How women could stand wearing it was a 
mystery to rival the pyramids to Xander.

"There's no way you're dragging my body to school without makeup. And 
then there was the fact he spent a suspiciously long time in the 
shower this morning."

"I wasn't the only one guilty of that one Buffy." He reminded her. 
Buffy blushed a little at the reminder.

"Then Mr I've-mastered-the-art-of-removing-two-bras-simultaneously 
couldn't figure out how to put one on."

"I suppose you expect me to believe that early morning scream I heard 
wasn't you getting a certain part of me caught in the zipper."

Willow was laughing so hard she could hardly breathe.

"Stop! Please! You're killing me guys!" implored Willow, wiping tears 
from her eyes. As funny as this morning had started, it was about to 
get a hell of a lot funnier.

"This morning we've all got geography, which is cool. Then Xander and 
I have French, so just sit next to me and we'll be fine. While we're 
doing that Buffy, you've got Xander's math class."

"Piece of cake." Buffy said. Xander stuck his tongue out at her.

"Then last period before lunch, I've got a freshman computer class to 
teach while you guys have gym."

Buffy and Xander froze.

"Gym?" Buffy asked.

"As in naked girls in the locker room type gym?" Xander added. Willow 
nodded. Xander's face lit up like all his Christmases had come at 
once.

Which in a way they had.

Xander started dragging Buffy and Willow towards the school.

"Xander! What are you doing?" Buffy asked.

"Don't wanna be late for classes today!"

*-*-*-*

Xander was in Hell.

Here he was, living the fantasy of just about every heterosexual male 
who had ever heard of the concept of the girl's locker room, and he 
wanted to be anywhere but here.

Behind him, not ten feet away, was a score of naked young girls he 
would, under any other circumstance, be checking out. It would be 
perfectly normal behaviour. For a guy.

But he wasn't a guy at the moment.

The instant he started looking, it would become staring, then 
gawking, then outright ogling. No power on earth could stop that 
process.

Southern California was pretty tolerant, but high school was still 
high school, and if he started openly drooling then Buffy...

No, he couldn't look.

To ensure there wasn't any `accidental' lookings, Xander was sitting 
on the bench in front of Buffy's locker with his eyes closed.

If anyone asked, he'd say he was meditating.

He was in hell and he needed help. Help came in the form of Cordelia.

"Buffy? You alright?" Cordelia asked her friend and touched Xander on 
the shoulder. Xander jumped about a foot in the air with a startled 
yelp. He opened his eyes for a second, looked at Cordelia who was in 
her bra and panties, then promptly shut his eyes again.

"Jesus Christ Buffy! You're as jumpy as a Chihuahua on Speed."

Xander mumbled something that Cordelia couldn't make out.

"What was that?"

"I'm meditating."

"Meditating? You better quit now because it sure as hell ain't 
working." Cordelia looked at the diminutive blonde. Something was 
majorly wrong with Buffy. She definitely wasn't acting herself.

"Look at me Buffy."

"No way Cordy."

"I said look at me!" the cheerleader demanded grabbing Xander by the 
shoulders.

"Please Cor, no!" Xander pleaded.

"Buffy!"

Xander's eyes snapped open and locked onto Cordy's.

"Cor, I'm not Buffy." He said in a harsh whisper, hoping to God 
nobody else heard him.

"What do ya mean you're not..." Cordelia paused as her brain 
processed a number of things. First off, Buffy wasn't acting like 
herself. Second, she just called her Cor. Buffy never called her Cor; 
the only person who did was...

"Xander?" she asked in disbelief. Xander shut his eyes again, this 
time in expectation of the slapping of a lifetime.

It never came.

Cordelia's initial instinct was to do just that. But for once she 
used her head and thought it out before acting.

Xander didn't want to open his eyes, so that meant he wasn't here to 
ogle. Cordelia knew Xander loved and respected Buffy way too much to 
use her body to play peeping tom. Besides, he knew what Buffy was 
capable of doing to him if he did. All in all, it could only mean 
something Hellmouthy was going on.

"Xander, what the hell's going on?"

Xander opened one eye and looked at her. Cordy thought the look fear 
and confusion was cute.

`Cute? Where the HELL had that thought come from?' Cordelia thought 
to herself.

"How come you're not killing me?" asked Xander.

"Because I'm gonna give you ten seconds to explain before I kill you. 
Now talk!"

Xander gave her the Cliff Notes version of what happened. Cordelia 
looked at Xander in disbelief.

"And it never occurred to any of you to get Mrs Summers to write you 
a note excusing you from gym?"

Xander never felt as dumb as he did right then. He took a little 
comfort in the fact that everyone else was just as dumb.

"Sorry to interrupt your touching moment, but I gotta say get a room 
before I yak."

Xander kept staring straight ahead while Cordelia faced Harmony and 
the other Cordettes. With Cordelia spending more and more time with 
the Scoobies, she had left something of a power vacuum that Harmony 
was attempting to fill. Cordelia still held power and sway in the 
general student population but the relationship between Cordelia and 
the Cordettes (especially Harmony) was deteriorating fast.

"Harmony." Cordelia said with obvious fake levity "So nice to see 
you. And I love that hair. It just screams street urchin. Now run 
along like a good little sheep before the big bad wolf gets you."

There was a snicker from one or two of the Cordettes at the put down 
Cordelia laid on Harmony. Harmony was incensed at the public put down.

"Well, excuse me for interrupting your and Slutty's plans for world 
mud wrestling domination."

Xander snapped.

"If I wanted to wrestle in your weight division Harmony, I'd have to 
gain eight or nine hundred pounds!"

"Kiss my ass Summers!"

Xander gave Harmony one of his famous lop-sided smiles and delivered 
his coup de tat.


*-*-*-*

"I don't believe you said that!" Cordelia said to Xander for the 
third time as they entered the library thirty minutes later.

"Xander! Uh, I mean, Buffy! Hi. What can't you believe Cordelia?" 
Willow tried covering.

"You can drop the act Rosenberg. I know all about our gender bender 
here. Xander started a fight with Harmony."

"WHAT? Xander! What the hell did you do?"

"Ahhhh," Xander said dismissively. "Harmony started giving us a hard 
time, she said a few things, I said a few things..."

"You said she had an ass like ninety pounds of chewed up bubble gum!" 
exclaimed Cordelia.

Just then Buffy came into the library.

"You're pretty late Buffy, how'd it go?" Willow asked as Buffy sat 
down.

"Um, yeah. Interesting." She replied. Xander felt a sense of dread 
wash through him.

"Interesting? In what way?" Cordelia prodded.

"Did you know that Larry is gay?" Xander just covered his head in his 
arms and waited for the ground.

"Oh God, not again!" he complained to nobody in particular.

"Larry? As in big dumb football playing Larry? How'd you find that 
out?" a stunned Cordelia asked.

"I was in the boy's locker room, which, by the way, isn't the nicest 
smelling place you'll ever come across. So I'm in there and then 
Larry comes along. A few words were exchanged which lead him to 
believe Xander is gay, one thing leads to another..."

"If this story ends with the phrase `so I took one for the home 
team', so help me I'll..." Xander threatened.

"No, that's when I found out Larry was gay. And no need to worry 
Xander. I managed to convince him you're not gay."

"Good."

"Now he thinks you're bisexual."

"Great. Just great! Can this week get any better?" 

*-*-*-*

"The test site is ready sir."

Quinton Travers smiled at the younger Watcher.

"Good. Then it's high time we pay Rupert Giles a visit."



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Willow: "It's a good fight, Buffy, and I want in."
Buffy:  "I kinda love you."
                     'Choices'

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