Fic: R,R&R Book II (1b/?) NC17 B/W/T

Chapter 1 continued...

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“No! Oh God, No!” Xander Harris shouted, struggling under his bedcovers before sitting bolt upright with a loud gasp.

He frantically looked around the darkened room for a moment, as though searching for an attacker. “Oh God... nightmare, just a nightmare...” he muttered, panting heavily.

“Well, there’s another night pissed away... What’s that, seven in a row? I’ll never get back to sleep now.” he groused as he dragged himself out of the bed. “Of course, it’s not like I’m gonna be late for anything if I oversleep...” His voice was rife with bitterness.

His body exhausted as though he had just finished running a race, Xander slowly wandered across the room, stopping to grab a t-shirt and throw it on to accompany his boxer shorts. He quietly opened his bedroom door and wandered out into the living room.

He briefly pondered getting something to eat, but- surprisingly for him- he didn’t feel hungry at all. He ended up sitting on his couch, staring at the black screen of his television and feeling sorry for himself.

‘I can’t keep going like this... it’s killing me!’ he thought miserably. His eyes started to tear up and he leaned forward so his elbows were on his knees and his face in his hands as he softly wept. ‘It hurts so bad! And I can’t even wish I hadn’t done it, cause I had to do it... I couldn’t take the chance, couldn’t let Glory kill Dawn!’

He sat there in quiet misery for several minutes before he felt a warm hand gently land on his shoulder.

“Xander?” Dawn’s sleepy voice and soft touch startled him and he jerked sideways, away from her.

“Are you ok Xander?” she asked, her voice laced with deep concern.

Xander stiffly stood up, facing away from her while he scrubbed the tears from his face. “Yeah, I’m fine Dawn, just couldn’t sleep, that’s all. I’m sorry I woke you up,” he said, forcing a cheerful tone to his voice.

“Please don’t do that...” she said in a small, hurt voice, sending a bolt of guilt through his heart.

“Do what?” he asked, though he had a pretty good idea what she was talking about.

“Xander, you’ve been avoiding me all week...” she started.

“Avoiding you?” He interrupted. “Dawn, I take you to school every morning, I see you at the magic box after school every day... you’re living in my apartment! How can you say I’m avoiding you?” his voice raised as he spoke.

“I... I...” Dawn’s voice was breaking and it drove a dagger of guilt and self-loathing into Xander’s chest.

“Look at you; you can’t even stand to look at me!” she cried softly.

The agony in Dawn’s voice was like a sucker-punch to Xander’s gut.

Xander was immediately on his knees before the crestfallen brunette, babbling out an apology. “Oh Dawnie! I’m sorry, it isn’t you, you didn’t do anything...” Her hands were wringing together in her lap, and he grabbed hold of them, gently prying them apart and holding them in his own. “Dawn, it has nothing to do with you. I’ve been having some trouble sleeping... and it’s been affecting my work... I...” He paused and took a deep breath and exhaled in a forceful sigh before continuing, “I lost my job today Dawn. That’s why I’m not in the best mood... but that’s no excuse for me to be...”

Dawn’s eyes were downcast, but she interrupted him, quietly asking, “It’s the nightmares isn’t it... That’s why you can’t sleep, and...” she dragged her tearful eyes up to meet his as she went on, “That’s why you got fired... It’s my fault!”

‘God I’m such a jerk!’ Xander raged at himself. ‘I can’t keep my hormones in check around her, and now she thinks I’m avoiding her... which I kinda was, but not for the reasons she thinks!’

“No! Dawn, no it’s totally not...” he began, trying to console her.

Her next comment stopped him like a splash of ice cold water running down his spine.

“It’s cause of what you had to do for me, to protect me!” she cried.

Squeezing her hands and giving them a shake, Xander tentatively asked, “What are you talking about Dawn?”

In his mind his thoughts were spinning around at a hundred miles per hour, ‘She can’t know, she can’t know, oh God! Please don’t let her know what I did!’

“I... I know what you...” Dawn began with a loud gulp. “What you did t-to protect me...”

‘No, no, no, no, no, nonononononono!’ Xander’s mind started chanting in fear. His body began buzzing in a distant kind of way, and it felt like he was becoming disconnected from it.

Dawn’s next sentence, despite being softly whispered, sounded to him like the loud crashing of cymbals... with his head between them.

“I know what happened with Glory... and Ben.”

Xander’s whole body went cold. His hands were numb as he jerked them away from hers. He could hear her crying out to him, but it was as though from a great distance, barely registering at all. Mostly, all he could hear was a dull roar of white noise in his head, canceling out his thoughts.

It was an even tossup which came as the bigger surprise- that he was throwing up, or that he’d made it to the bathroom in time to throw up in the toilet. Either way, he didn’t remember getting himself there.

Eventually he ran out of anything to bring up, and the heaves finally subsided. ‘She knows... she knows... How can she stay in this apartment? How can she force herself to get in the car every morning and sit next to me knowing what I did, what I am...?’

Woodenly, Xander turned on the tap and rinsed out his mouth. He spent a minute or two splashing cold water on his face until he once again felt something approximating human. All the while a question kept floating around in his head, ‘How can she stand to even be around me...?’

When he walked out of the bathroom the first thing he saw was Dawn standing just down the hall. She was dressed in a long t-shirt that he suspected had come from his dresser at some point in the week.

“Are you angry with me?” Dawn asked in a small voice.

Xander had to choke back a sob at the guilt in her voice. “How...?” he started to ask aloud what he’d been asking himself in the bathroom. However, the lump that rose in his throat cut off the rest of the question.

Dawn kept her eyes down as she said, “I, I was worried about you... I couldn’t sleep, and I heard Giles when you connected online, so I went out to hear cause I needed to know, I couldn’t wait to hear if everyone was ok...” Lifting her face to meet Xander’s gaze, she continued, “I swear I wasn’t trying to be sneaky or anything, Xander! I, I just wanted to know you guys were ok... and then you started talking and I just froze... and then when you were done, I was so...” She dropped her head once again, blushing furiously as she admitted, “I ran into my room and put my pillow over my head and bawled like a little baby. At first, I was so mad at Giles for making you do that. But really, I was mad at myself cause I know you did it for me... you had to do something so horrible just to protect me, and I could hear in your voice that it was hurting you so much!”

Xander shook his head, ignoring for the moment her incomprehensible guilt in favor of his own. “How can you stand to be around me? How can you even look at me?”

Dawn had tears streaming down her face, and she sniffled loudly. Her arms were wrapped tightly around her torso as if she were trying to hold herself together. “Do you... do you w-want me to l... leave?” she asked in an anguished whisper.

‘What?’ Xander thought, baffled by the question.

Dawn once again sniffled back her tears. Xander could see the effort it cost her to speak clearly as she said, “I u-understand if you can’t be around me right now... I, I’ll leave in the morning... as s-soon as I can get someone to pick me up...” Her lower lip began to quiver as she continued, “Just... please, Xander... please don’t ha... hate me. I don’t think I could bear it...” her voice trailed off in a whisper.

‘What the hell is going on here?’ Xander wondered. His mind was spinning in confusion and it was causing him to feel frustrated and angry.

“I don’t...” he began loudly. “I... What?! You’re talking, but... I don’t... It’s like, you’re speaking in a language... and I...” He shook his head in bewildered anger, and then pressed his palms to his temples as though trying to keep his brains from splitting his head open. “You’re talking, and... whatever language it is, I don’t speak that language!”

He was breathing in heavy pants now and feeling a little dizzy. His hand shot out to the wall to support himself as he tried to figure out what was going on. “You think I’m mad at you? And I want you to leave? And I hate you?! Dawn! *I* killed a man! I drove a knife through his chest so hard that it chipped the floor on the other side! I watched his life drain away right before my eyes!”

Dawn nodded miserably, tears once again pouring down her face as she sobbed, “Because of me!”

Xander’s eyes bugged out and his jaw practically hit the floor as he got it. ‘Oh God! She thinks... Oh God!’ the realization was a wrenching sensation in his chest.

Trying to swallow past a lump the size of his fist, Xander gasped, “You think I blame you?”

Dawn’s anguished wail was absolutely heartbreaking, “Don’t you?”

An overwhelming wave of bitter shame crashed down on Xander and he gaped like a fish out of water for several seconds.

‘I am the world’s biggest jackass,’ Xander thought in a moment of clarity.

“No,” he whispered. Shaking his head he said it louder, “No! Oh Dawnie, no!”

“You don’t?” she said disbelievingly. “But, how? You did it because of me...”

She appeared so fragile in that moment that Xander was overcome, shedding his reticence and ignoring his lust, he stepped over and wrapped her up in his arms, kissing her forehead for long moments as he tried to pour out reassurance to her.

“Dawn, I’m so sorry, I’m so damn sorry...” he whispered to her, keeping her tight against his chest. “I didn’t realize you knew, that you were blaming yourself... please believe me, it was not your fault!”

Dawn grabbed tightly to him and began to bawl openly against him, her body shaking as the emotions poured out.

Xander too wept strongly. ‘I was so afraid you’d freak out... why aren’t you? You should be freaking out... I killed a man!’ he vacillated back and forth between relief, worry and self-recrimination.

When Dawn’s shuddering sobs had quieted somewhat, Xander led her over to the couch and sat down facing her. “Dawnie, look at me,” he asked softly. “I’m not mad at you, and I don’t blame you for what I did, ok?” he held her gaze questioningly until she nodded in agreement.

“Ok Xander,” Dawn quietly ceded.

“Ok then,” Xander said.

Neither spoke immediately, both seemingly lost in thought.

After a bit, Dawn broke the silence. “Xander? If you don’t blame me... and you’re not mad at me... Why have you been avoiding me?” she asked in a still fragile voice.

‘Oh boy,’ Xander thought nervously. ‘This is a subject I really don’t want to visit right now... I mean, you’re sitting there, no makeup, your eyes and nose red from crying... and you look so damn beautiful! I don’t know what it is... I’m a glutton for punishment, that’s what it is! If your sister got one whiff of the way I’ve been thinking about you lately... I’d have the whole power-trio over here taking turns to see which one could eviscerate me the most messily...’

“Xander?” Dawn again asked, tilting her head with a confused _expression_.

Squeezing his eyes closed, Xander berated himself, ‘That’s perfect... even now, I sit here and stare at you like some kind of freak!’

“Dawn, I...” he began, unsure of what to say. He took a deep breath and slowly let it out, as much to stall as because he needed to center himself. “You shouldn’t even want to be near me right now. You have no idea... Dawn I killed a man!” he hissed, opening his eyes and staring into hers. “Not a vampire, not a demon... a human being!” Looking down in his lap again, he muttered, “I’m a monster, you should be running far and fast to get away from me...”

“Are you kidding me?” Dawn replied.

‘Huh?’ Xander’s brain asked, surprised by the exasperation in her voice.

“What I should be doing is throwing myself to my knees in front of you and thanking you with all my heart like I wanted to do since the moment I heard what you did!”

Xander goggled at the girl in front of him. “Uhh... what?!?”

“In fact...” Dawn muttered, scrambling to the floor and doing just that; kneeling before him.

‘Oh my God!’ Xander screamed silently. ‘Giles and Angel naked. Giles and Angel and Wesley in a threeway gangbang. With the mayor. And the master!’ Xander desperately tried to think of something to keep himself from tenting his boxer shorts like the circus was in town.

“Thank you Xander!” Dawn said intently. “Do you have any idea how terrified I was of Glory? I had nightmares of her taking me and hanging me by my feet and slitting my throat open over some kind of magic pot... cauldron... thingie...”

‘That worked!’ Xander thought. Dawn’s description of Glory sacrificing her was all it took for his libido to turn off like a light switch.

“Whatever,” Dawn muttered with a quick shake of her head. “The point is this,” she went on, looking into Xander’s eyes as though searching his very soul. “You did something really hard, something that’s tearing you up inside, and you did it to save my life.”

Xander felt his eyes welling up with fresh tears at the look of deep gratitude in her eyes.

“You’re not a monster, you’re a hero. You’re *my* hero!” she said emphatically.

‘I wonder if this is how Buffy felt when I told her that same thing?’ Xander thought as his insides melted and he felt a sense of pride unlike anything he’d ever felt before.

“Dawn, I...” Xander’s hand moved toward her face as if to cup her cheek- almost of it’s own volition.

When he realized what he was doing, he changed the gesture, using his thumb to wipe away the tears on one cheek and then retracting his hand before he gave in to the more intimate gesture.

His voice was a whisper as the heartfelt emotion constricted his throat. “That’s the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me in my life!”

Dawn got up from the floor, moving back up to the couch. His eyes followed every move as she sat right next to him and tucked her legs underneath her. She had a sad look on her face suddenly and she reached out to put her hand on his chest over his heart. “I wish I could reach inside and take away all the hurting, all the pain...” she whispered regretfully.

Though his inclination was to reassure her, he was too tired and hurting to come up with anything. He covered her hand with his own for a moment as he closed his eyes and whispered, “Me too.”

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