Dark Alliance 4a maybe

["mike" <wizathogwarts@xxxxxxxxx>]

I've never written much Xander before and I'm not certain that the 
way I've written him is believable.  So this is just a trial 
depending on the FB I get.  If anyone does not find this 
characterization believable I would love to hear from you.

thanks
-mike
See previous for disclaimers...
Chapter 4a (maybe)


Stark, stripped, cold, even bathed in the morning sunlight, 
everything seemed lifeless.  The tall powerful evergreens, their 
bases caressed by well trimmed green grass had no life.  People 
moved and their voices carried a semblance of life, but it was all 
false.  After three weeks he was left with only a numbing emptiness 
that made everything dead around.  Three weeks since Willow told him 
he wasn't her friend.

Xander Harris knew he acted on his emotions.  Thinking things 
through before he spoke just wasn't something that he did.  'What I 
feel tells me what to say.'  He had stubbornly hung to this 
concept.  He did so because he didn't trust his brain to ever come 
up with anything intelligible.  He had been told by everyone, 
everyone except Willow, that he wasn't smart.  But he had a quick 
wit which he used to mask his insecurity over his lack of brain 
power.  

'I wasn't reasonable with her.'  He finally admitted to himself.  
But felt more frustrated, being reasonable meant using reason.  And 
to use reason, he would actually have to think things through, 
something that he had avoided doing for a long time.  Thus the 
depression and headache as he had spent the last week and a half 
thinking about why he acted the way he had.  He didn't like the 
conclusion he came up with either.  While admittedly this thinking 
thing was pretty new to him, it did make sense.  A lot more sense 
than what his emotions were telling him.  While his emotions were 
telling him that he was just watching out for his naive friend, 
reason and logic indicated something much deeper was at work.

He took a deep breath and looked at his watch again.  Five more 
minutes to figure things out before final period ended.  Then maybe 
a couple more until Willow walks out the front doors of the school.  
His thoughts returned to where they had left off as he considered 
once again his motivations.  He had come to realize how important 
Willow was to him.  How much he needed her in his life.  After 
accepting this and reviewing how he had taken her for granted the 
last couple of years, he had felt ashamed.  Ashamed because he had 
ignored the wonderful girl right in front of him and how he had hurt 
her while chasing after every girl that wasn't her.  He had finally 
worked everything out and was now ready to make things right.  He 
just hoped he wasn't too late.

His thoughts and breathing stopped as the first students began to 
exit the main building.  He carefully forced himself to breath deep 
and slowly, cautioning himself to remain calm and not lose control.  
And then, there she is and he wondered how he never realized how 
beautiful she is.  He barely even noticed the petite blond at her 
side as he approached her.

"Willow?"  He said her name as calmly as his anxious nerves allowed, 
watching expectantly as she turned and focused her sparkling green 
eyes in his direction.

"Xander."  Willow replied, her voice cautious as her hand reached 
out unbidden for support from Buffy, which was immediately provided 
as Buffy clasped their hands together.

Xander's eyes flickered downwards, feeling an ache deep within 
seeing how Willow reached for support from someone other than 
himself.  Xander willed his well rehearsed words from his mouth.

"I wanted to apologize.  Can we go somewhere and talk?"  Xander's 
question was leaning towards pleading, reflecting the look in his 
eyes.

Willow felt immediate relief at her old friends' apology.  She cared 
for him deeply but their last conversation had left her feeling 
betrayed and very hurt.  A chance at reconciling their dispute and 
reclaiming her friend was something she desperately wanted.

Turning to Buffy with the unasked question in her eyes made the 
blond girl smile.  Buffy had spent hours consoling Willow after her 
previous meeting with Xander. In the process she had come to learn 
and appreciate the special friendship they shared.  Giving Willow an 
encouraging smile she answered the question.

"Go ahead, and take all the time you need.  I'll wait for you."

Willow mouthed a silent thank you and turned back to Xander.

"Yea Xander, let's go talk."

Buffy watched the two old friends walk away with the hope that her 
love could heal this rift in her life.

Xander stopped when the reached a quiet area covered by three 
enormous trees.  Turning slowly he began his efforts to get Willow 
back in his life.

"I've been a real idiot Will, for a very long time," Taking a quick 
breath he continued.  "and a real ass recently.  I'm really sorry 
for the things I said.  I was just missing you and got angry."

Running his hand through his hair to calm his nerves he then 
continued.  "And you know I'm not much with the thinking before 
talking so I spoke to hurt you like I felt you were hurting me."

Willow frowned as she listened.  It was unlike Xander to be 
introspective and wasn't sure if this was leading somewhere good.  
She decided to remain silent and let Xander have his say, mostly 
because she didn't really know how to respond to a Xander that was 
trying to explain his motivations.

"I never meant to hurt you, but I know I did.  And you were right to 
be angry, where my anger wasn't."  Xander's voice became softer and 
more filled with emotion as he continued to share his recent self 
discovery.

"After you walked away I was totally shocked that you would question 
our friendship.  I started off feeling that you were totally off 
base."  He paused momentarily as his thought and feelings began a 
battle for release.  "Then the shock wore off and depression set 
in.  I began to think about our friendship, from the very beginning 
but mostly the past couple of years."

Here goes nothing he thought quietly.  "And I came to realized how 
badly I've ignored your feelings those last couple of years.  How I 
took you for granted and stopped appreciating what a good friend you 
were to me.  You've always supported and encouraged me.  And I came 
to expect it without realizing that it was you that was keeping me 
happy.  Every time something bad happened you would make it better.  
Every time I screwed up you were the one that encouraged me to try 
again.  And that's when I realized the truth."

Xander became very still, as if on a precipice of monumental 
proportions and about to leap.

Willow's thoughts had been in overdrive while listing to Xander, 
analyzing his words for some clue as to where he was going.  It was 
obvious to her right away that this wasn't some simple apology let's 
be friends again speech.  It was something much more and she was 
becoming very worried that it was going to the last place she ever 
expected.

"And the truth is I missed you terribly.  So much that I know now 
how important you are to me."  Xander's words were becoming quicker, 
his speech increasing in pace as he desperately raced to finish 
before something happened to stop him.

"How empty my life is without you and how much I need you.  I can't 
tell you how sorry I am for ignoring you.  How I never told you how 
beautiful and special you are.  But I can show you."  

With those final words Xander reached out and placed his hands on 
Willow's shoulders, leaning down quickly to bring his face to hers.  
His lips to the lips he now so very much wanted to feel.  Inches to 
go as he closed his eyes and anticipation began to crest.  Almost 
there and then he felt it.  His face smashed against the palm of 
Willow's hand.

"XANDER!"  Willow shouted, pushing his face back with one hand and 
the other pushing against his chest.

Xander was struck speechless.  He had been certain that this is what 
Willow wanted.  He was more than certain that it was what he 
wanted.  `One plus one equals two, doesn't it?'  His thought now in 
a befuddled mess.

"What do you think you're doing?"  Willow demanded after 
disentangling herself from Xander and stepping back to a safe 
distance.

"I thought that this is what you wanted, you and me together."  
Xander's confusion was very obvious.

Willow stuck out her bottom lip and blew her breath straight up her 
face as she placed her hands on her hips in a pose of classic 
exasperation.  Gathering her wits about her she forced herself to 
calm down.

"Xander, I just wanted my oldest friend back.  I missed you too.  I 
missed your wacky ways, your ability to not take things seriously.  
I missed knowing that I could count on you no matter what.  That's 
what I want back."  Willow had calmed her voice and now she used the 
tone she had used so many times with Xander when something happened 
to hurt him that he didn't understand.  A tone that was calm and 
patient without being condescending.

"Xander, we were never more than good friends.  But I loved our 
friendship.  Why would you think there was something more?"

"I knew Will."  Xander said almost embarrassedly.

Willow's eye scrunched in disbelief.  "You knew what."  She 
challenged.

"I knew how you felt about me.  Jesse and I would talk about it.  
How you would get jealous every time I looked or chased after some 
other girl.  Jesse told me how you would look at me, like you wished 
I looked at you like I did at other girls."  Xander's head was hung 
down; his eyes watching his foot shuffle a twig on the ground.

"Well if you knew this why didn't you say something to me?  Didn't 
you know how it was hurting me?"  Willow abandoned any denial to her 
desire to know why Xander would knowingly ignore her feelings.

"I didn't think I felt about you like that back then.  I kinda 
thought of you as a sister and I thought that if I said anything it 
would just mess things up.  And I thought that you would eventually 
get over it."  Xander finished by shrugging his shoulders.

"You thought, you thought.  Well Xander, I've got some friendly 
advice for you.  Anyone who only shares their thought with 
themselves has a fool for a companion.  If you really want to do 
some thinking, you share it with other people so you can get 
additional perspectives."  Willow wasn't able to completely keep her 
anger and frustration out of her voice.

"And as for what you thought, well you're right.  I did get over 
it."  Willow calmed herself once more and then presented the olive 
branch.  

"And now you need to get over it.  I still want you as a friend.  
There's a lot going on in my life right now that I would really like 
your support on."  Now Willow turned a slightly pleading look to 
Xander.  "I really need my Xander, my Xander who would support me no 
matter what.  Do you want that too?"

"God Will, I know I miss you.  I miss hanging out with you.  You're 
my best friend.  But now I've got all these other feelings going 
on.  Can't you at least give us a try?"  Xander pleaded his case one 
more time.

Willow looked at her friend sympathetically and shook her head 
slowly.  "No Xander, I can't.  If you had told me these things a 
couple of months ago I probably would have.  But it wouldn't have 
worked out.  Trust me on this, you and I are not meant for a 
relationship thing.  But I still want you as my friend."

Xander saw the conviction on Willow's face and accepted defeat.  
Grasping at her offering, he nodded his head and forced a 
smile.  "Always friends."

Willow face blossomed into a big smile as she drew Xander into a 
hug.  Xander carefully returned the hug resigning himself to another 
rejection.  But as he stepped back and saw Willow's happy face he 
felt a stirring of warmth.  `I have my friend back.'  He quietly 
told himself.

"Come on, walk me back.  Buffy will be ecstatic that we've made 
up."  Willow was nearly hopping with joy.  As they reached where 
Buffy was waiting with a hopeful look on her face Willow couldn't 
contain herself as she threw her arms around her girl friend. 

"We're friends again."  Willow proclaimed as she squeezed Buffy with 
all her might.  Buffy returned the enthusiastic hug with a matching 
pressure.  Releasing Willow, Buffy approached Xander.

"Thank you Xander."  Then Buffy hugged him.

Xander's eyes opened wide at this unexpected surprise.  Not one to 
pass up a great opportunity he enthusiastically returned her hug.  
Buffy released her arms and Xander did also albeit more slowly.

"I really didn't have a choice.  A day without Willow is like a day 
without sunshine."  Xander said jokingly but his eyes lent truth to 
the words.

Buffy came to a quick decision and decided to act on it.  "Look, 
Willow's staying at my place while her folks our out of town.  Would 
you like to have dinner with us?"  Buffy asked him.

"Oh yea, that would be great.  And you've got to meet Buffy's mom.  
She's the greatest."  Willow enthusiastically enjoined.

"Sure, never say Xander Harris ever turned down a home cooked 
meal."  He eagerly accepted.

The three friends walked towards Buffy's with a happy Willow in the 
middle.


-----------------------------



Xander was enjoying himself.  Mrs. Summers seemed really nice for a 
parent, something he personally had no experience with, and the food 
was great.

"Great food Mrs. Summers."  Xander said with his mouth half full.

Joyce smiled at the compliment.  She looked at Buffy then Willow who 
were seated across from each other then back at Xander at the other 
end of the table.

"Thank you Xander.  And may I say it's a pleasure to finally meet 
you.  I've heard quite a lot about you."  Joyce said trying to 
engage him in conversation.

"About me?"  Xander said surprised while looking at Willow.

"Uh yea, I sort of dumped on Buffy and her mom after the uh... 
thing, you know."  Willow explained meekly.

"Oh."  Was all Xander said, starting to feel self conscious.

"We mostly heard what good friends you've been.  Willow thinks the 
world of you and I'm very happy to see that you've reconciled."  
Joyce intervened before the silence became uncomfortable.

"Yea, we are friends.  Best friends in fact.  And nothing will ever 
change that."  Xander confirmed feeling a bit more comfortable.

"That's good to hear.  I know Willow really needs your support, 
especially now."  Joyce said while keeping a watchful eye for 
Xander's reaction.

"Mommmm."  Buffy whispered at her mother trying to convey a warning.

Joyce looked at Willow to see a slightly panicked look as the girl 
sat rigid in her chair.  Joyce shook her head in exasperation.

Xander also noticed the expression on Willow and began replaying 
what Mrs. Summers had just said.

"What support is she talking about?"  He asked Willow feeling 
something important was being kept from him.

"Well you see..." Buffy began to explain but was cut off by her 
mother.

"Buffy, I think this is something that Willow should explain.  Don't 
you think so Willow?"  Joyce said and then touched Willow's hand 
lightly to get her attention.

"Uh yea, I guess I should have told you earlier, when we were 
talking earlier but we had just made up and I had my friend back and 
didn't think to mention it at the time but I should have gotten it 
out then but since I didn't I should do it now.  And now is the time 
to say it so I'm going to say now what I should have said before 
which is remember how all this started with the angry words from you 
and then I got angry back because you were saying that Buffy and I 
were something more than we were.  Then I said that we were just 
good friends and it's true, well it was true then but now it's not 
true, not that I lied because at the time I said it, it was true, 
just it wouldn't be if I said it now but I wouldn't say that now 
because then I would be lying, and lying is bad so I'm not lying 
when I say I didn't lie then but it's not true now."   Willow ran 
herself and watched Xander's expression as he processed her babble.

Xander had a lot of experience with Willow's method of communication 
during panic mode.  He looked at Willow then at Buffy who was 
looking at Willow and not him.  He noticed that Buffy had a smile on 
her face and not just a `Isn't she funny smile.'  No, it was the 
kind of smile someone has when they are looking at that someone in 
their lives who makes everything wonderful.  Xander looked back at 
Willow.

"So, you and Buffy?  Buffy and you are more than friends?"  Xander 
said while feeling a cold pit swell inside him.

"Xander!"  Joyce intervened as she saw him about to lose control.

Xander jerked his head towards Joyce as he heard his name.

"This is when you find out how good a friend you really are, how 
good a friend I know you are.  I know you care about Willow and she 
need to know that, now more than ever."  Joyce had spoken calmly and 
clearly, her words carefully enunciated to draw his full attention.

Xander felt everything collapsing within him.  He slowly leaned back 
in his chair and looked at the ceiling.  He felt his life turning 
around and around, not going anywhere with all exits blocked.  He 
really just wanted to get up and run away from this hurt and 
confusion.  He didn't know what to say and was afraid if he allowed 
himself to speak he'd just make things worse.  He was about to just 
tell Willow that he needed time to think things over when he heard a 
sound, the sound of someone quietly crying.

As the first tears began to form in Willow's eyes Buffy started to 
rise but Joyce stopped her daughter with a touch to her shoulder.  
Sharing a look and meaningful glance towards Xander, Buffy relented 
and maintained her seat, exerting control she didn't know she 
possessed.

Xander looked at Willow seeing her tear stained cheeks, the slight 
shaking of her slim shoulders and his heart broke.  The pain he was 
feeling wasn't the result of Willow not being his friend.  But the 
pain she was feeling was the direct result of him not upholding his 
pledge of friendship.  Shaking himself he rose from his chair and 
knelt on one knee by Willow's.

Placing his arm around her shoulder he finally found the words he 
needed to say.  "Willow, I'm sorry.  You're just catching me by 
surprise a lot lately.  I need to ask as your friend, are you sure 
about this?

Willow smiled shyly as she turned her head to look Xander directly 
in the eyes.  Nodding her head she affirmed.  "Oh yes, with all my 
heart yes."

Joyce quietly picked up some dishes and tilted her head indicating 
for Buffy to follow her to the kitchen.  Buffy quickly followed 
after grabbing a few dishes.

Willow and Xander were alone now as Xander smiled at his 
friend.  "How'd this happen?  I mean when I heard people talking 
about you and Buffy at school, I really didn't believe it.  You 
never showed any gay signs so I'm just really wondering how this all 
came about."

Willow had wanted to talk about this with her oldest friend for 
weeks now.  She had even planned on doing it earlier until their 
heated argument.  Now that she had the opportunity she wasn't going 
to waste it.

"It's always been there Xander, I just didn't know it.  It's like 
your this great violinist but you've never seen a violin because you 
live in a town where everybody plays the trumpet.  You try and play 
the trumpet but find you're not any good at it but you don't know 
anything else but the trumpet.  So you just keep hoping that someday 
you'll find a trumpet that you can at least be comfortable with.  
Well then one day a stranger comes to town.  The stranger doesn't 
look any different than anyone else but as you get to know this 
stranger they don't feel so strange.  Then this stranger tells you 
that they don't play the trumpet, they play the violin.  You're 
curious, you've heard of a violin but never met someone who plays 
one.  Then the stranger starts telling you about the violin.  How 
the strings vibrate under your fingertips and the feel when it 
caresses your cheek.  You begin to imagine what it would feel like.  
You compare what you're feeling for the violin to your feelings for 
the trumpet and you know that you never really had any feeling for 
the trumpet, that's why you couldn't ever play one.  So now you have 
to know if the violin is really your instrument.  You pick up the 
violin and it fits naturally onto your shoulder.  Your cheek rests 
against it and you sigh.  Your fingers caress the neck and they feel 
at home.  Then finally, you draw the bow across the strings and this 
beautiful sound comes out, filling you up inside.  It's then you 
know you're a violinist.

Xander eyes watered as Willow finished her story.  Any remaining 
feelings of hurt or anger were washed away in an epiphany of 
understanding.

"Wow."  He said quietly.  "That was beautiful Will."

"Thanks."  She said as she slowly wiped the tears from her 
cheeks.  "So are we ok now?"

Xander gave her a big smile.  "Yea, we're Ok now and forever."

Then Xander got a sly grin on his face.  "Any chance I'll ever get 
to see you play the violin"

"Xander!"  Willow responded in shock while her face flushed red.

"Just kidding."  He leaned back and held up his hands.

"No you weren't" Willow giggled.

"What can I say; I'm a read blooded trumpet player."  Xander smiled 
in return.

"Come on, help me with the dishes.  Buffy and her mom are probably 
worried sick right now."  Willow said, grabbing a few dishes and 
headed for the kitchen.






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Willow: "It's a good fight, Buffy, and I want in."
Buffy:  "I kinda love you."
                     'Choices'

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