Offkilter Christmas

Title: Offkilter Christmas

Author: onewillie

Disclaimer: Joss and Co own all the characters, I just let them play around a little more.

Rating: PG-17, Maybe R

Distribution: Take it, Just let me know

Feedback: YES,YES,YES,YES, Just remember I don't pretend to be a pro.

(Join the American coalition to ban rollsaver toilet paper)

'Twas the night before Xmas

And all through the crypt,

Not a creature was stirring,

No one except

A poor little vampire,

Who nobody did love.

Not Santa, nor elves,

Nor angels above.

(Tho' one in L.A.

Knew he was there

And hated his guts.)

There was no one to care.

In front of his telly,

(reruns of Passions)

Empty of belly,

(no pigs blood for rations)

Alone and dejected

He sat and reflected,

On past evils he did

When he once was respected.

When out in the graveyard,

On small quiet feet,

A slayer and sweetheart

Did happen to meet.

"Dear Willow, my love,

Are you sure this is right?"

"Sweet Buffy, of course,

We must forgive on this night.

No creature should mope,

Whether alive or un,

All should feel joy,

And maybe some fun,

He has helped us out often.

(with reluctance of course)

But Dawn he has aided

With no hint of remorse."

Through the headstones they crept,

All silent and sneaky,

And screwed up their courage

With a half pint of whisky.

To the door of the crypt,

Their baskets were full,

And love in their hearts,

(you know that's bull.)

The portal open they threw,

More foolish than wise,

And lept in the room

With shouts of "Suprise!"

They paused not a moment,

'round the area they flew,

And lit many candles

To keep out the dew.

Spike sat immobile,

Both stunned and astounded.

The look on his face

Was slightly confounded.

A sheet they unfolded

And placed on the casket,

Smoothed it all out

And opened their basket,

A thermos of O,pos.

At 98.6

With a shot of AB

For a really quick fix.

The candles had warmed

The crypt up quite well,

Their robes were unloosened

And synchronized fell.

Spikes' jaw dropped

At these visions of beauty.

"Who'd a guessed it." he thought,

"Lil' Willow's a cutie."

A lavender teddy

Complemented her eyes

And soft auburn hair

That fell to her thighs.

His gaze turned to Buffy,

Whose hair shone of gold.

Her firm and tanned body

Stood proudly and bold,

Encased in a chemise

Made completely of lace.

Both demure and sultry,

A smile on her face.

"Those legs," thought Spike,

"Could not be more right,

They'll keep your ears warm

On a cold winter night."

They moved to each other,

Out there on the floor,

And each others' bodies

With their hands did explore

The most intimate of places,

And a little bit more.

Their lips met in kisses

Both sweet and obscene.

(God knows I tried

But I can't keep this clean.)

They with movements most sensual

Each others garments did doff,

And moving to Spike

Flat ripped his clothes off.

In bed, on tables and chairs,

And at least once on their feet,

Two full hours they spent

In dalliance sweet.

Relaxing a bit

To regain their composure,

They reclothed themselves

To reduce their exposure.

"Spike," spoke sweet Buffy

Upon reaching the door,

"It's funny but you

I no longer abhor,

Tomorrow is Christmas,

You should not be alone,

Move over to our place,

It's much more like home."

Spike stood bemused.

"It can't be love, there's no way,

For it's easy to see

They're both happy and gay."

Then his gaze happened to drop

To his (slightly sore) member majestic,

"I know," he thought proudly

"I'm better than plastic."

My poetry sucks,

Longfellow I'm not,

So under the collar

Don't get bothered and hot.

The thought is what counts

And I know mine is right.

Merry Christmas to all

And to all a good night.

And a very happy and safe New Year

Onewillie