Fic: R,R&R Book II (1c/?) NC17 B/W/T

Chapter 1 continued some more...

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‘Man, I’m tired... I need, like, a week’s worth of sleep,’ Xander thought. His body felt achy and fatigued and restless. ‘It’s no use though... if I go back to bed I’ll just either stare at the ceiling for hours, or I’ll fall asleep and let dead Ben chase me around some more... and then wake up and stare at the ceiling for hours.’

He opened his eyes and glanced at Dawn, who- after their emotional breakdown together a few minutes ago- seemed content to sit quietly next to him and stare at the wall.

‘Hmm, she looks tired too,’ he thought as his eyes roamed her features. ‘Tired... and gorgeous, and sexy, and... but we’re not gonna go there right now, remember Xander? There will be no admiring of Dawn’s bedroom eyes or her pouty lips, or...’

He squeezed his eyes shut before they got to the weather report. ‘You’re a bad, bad man Xander Harris!’ he kicked himself mentally.

Forcing his mind back onto a less dangerous track, Xander decided, ‘Just because I’m captain insomniac, that doesn’t mean she should suffer.’

“Dawn, you should go back to bed and get some sleep,” Xander recommended softly. “Don’t let me blow your whole night...”

“I can’t sleep.” Dawn explained with tired resignation in her voice. “I was just laying there staring at the ceiling when I heard you wake up...”

“Oh...” Xander responded. “That sucks.”

“Yep,” Dawn answered succinctly. After a brief pause, she unfolded herself and got up from the couch. “I’m gonna get a soda, you want anything?”

‘Besides you?’ Xander’s brain immediately responded.

“Um...” he stalled while he yanked the reigns on his libido yet again. “We got any real Pepsi in the fridge?”

Dawn smiled happily for some reason that Xander couldn’t fathom. “Dunno,” she said, maintaining the silly grin. “If we don’t, you want one of mine?”

“Ack, Diet Pepsi? Seriously, I don’t see how you can stomach that stuff,” Xander said with an answering grin of his own.

His grin fell away as Dawn drew her hands across her torso, pulling the oversized shirt snugly against her. “Stomach,” she said, tapping her fingers against her flat tummy. “That’s exactly why I can...” she explained before letting go the material and bouncing off to the kitchen.

‘Weather report says there’s a slight chill in the air,’ Xander’s mind reported happily.

“I’m a bad, bad man...” Xander whispered to himself reproachfully.

“Y’want ice?” Dawn called out from the kitchen.

“Nah, real man drinks from a can...” Xander said with false braggadocio.

A minute later Dawn returned and handed Xander a can of Pepsi, saying, “You’re in luck, the real deal- in a can, for He-Man Xan.”

Xander laughed lightly at Dawn’s teasing.

“And the lite version, in a glass with ice for the more refined, lady of the house,” she said as she sat.

Xander couldn’t help checking the weather again as Dawn leaned back and took a long drink of her beverage. “Lean forward a second,” he said when she moved the glass away from her mouth.

She looked quizzically at him, but did as bid.

Xander pulled the flannel throw off of the back of the sofa and spread it out so it covered both of their lower bodies.

When he looked back up at her face and saw the question there, he mumbled, “Uh, you looked cold...”

‘Doh! Idiot!’ he gave himself a mental smack, wishing he could retract his statement the moment it left his lips.

Dawn frowned and glanced down at her lap, then immediately replaced the frown with a knowing grin.

‘I dunno Xander, could you be a bigger dork tonight? God I walked right in to that one!’ Xander lamented as he felt his face burn with embarrassment. ‘Yep, there’s no digging my way out of that one...’

Fortunately, he had matured enough at this point in his life to realize the only course of action, ‘I’m just gonna shut up right there and quit while I’m ahead. Anything else will just get me in more trouble...’

To Xander’s great relief, Dawn didn’t make a point of it. She said, “Oh, thanks,” with a blush of her own despite her grin, and then dropped the subject.

“So...” Xander began after a minute. “I know why I can’t sleep, why can’t you sleep?”

Dawn stalled, taking another long drink of her soda.

‘So, I’m not only a jackass, I’m insensitive too...’ Xander thought guiltily when he saw the pensive look on her face. ‘She’s obviously having issues with this whole experience too, but I’ve been so wrapped up in my own ‘issues’ that I’ve totally missed it.’

“Nightmares?” he asked softly.

Dawn nodded her head very slightly, obviously reticent about speaking on the subject.

Xander shifted slightly so that he was facing her without having to crane his neck sideways. He tentatively put one hand on her knee- over the blanket- trying to be reassuring without any impropriety.

“Dawn, if you don’t want to talk about it, that’s ok. But, if you do... I want you to know that I’m here for you; any time, day or night,” he offered sincerely.

Dawn smiled slightly at that, but almost immediately the pensive look returned. “I...” she paused, then licked her lips and tried again. “I want to tell you... I wanted to tell you since you came and got me...” she said, her voice sounding nervous.

“But?” Xander asked gently.

“It’s bad...” she whispered.

When she remained silent for a moment, Xander gently prodded, “If you wanted to tell me, why didn’t you?”

She took a deep breath and exhaled tremblingly. “I didn’t want you to... to look at me... differently.”

“Differently?” Xander repeated questioningly.

‘Oh God, did she get... was she... raped?’ Xander felt icy panic flow down his spine at the thought.

“Dawnie,” Xander choked out, struggling not to sob. “Whatever you tell me... it’s not going to change the way I look at you. I promise!”

Dawn nodded hesitantly and set her drink on the side table. She sat rather stiffly upright and wrapped her arms tightly around her torso before beginning to speak.

“We were walking back from the casino where we had dinner to where we parked. About the time we had finished eating, both me and Giles felt this... I dunno... we thought someone was watching us. Anyway, it didn’t go away until we were almost back at the parking lot... and then all of a sudden these guys were there, grabbing all of us.”

Xander was almost shivering with fear and anger at the thought of someone touching Dawn. ‘Oh God, oh God, oh God, please don’t let her have been raped!’ he chanted over and over.

“Giles hit the guy that grabbed me, and shouted at me to run... so I ran into the parking lot and hid...” her voice betrayed her discomfort as she told the story. “I was so scared, I don’t even remember anything until I stopped running...” she whispered with what sounded like shame in her voice. “I remember I was breathing so hard, and my heart was beating so fast, and I thought I was going to throw up or something,” she admitted. “I tried to listen to hear if any of them were chasing me, but all I could hear was my breathing and heart...”

‘I know just what you mean!’ Xander thought as his own heart was pounding in his chest.

“At first, they tried to trick me,” Dawn went on, visibly becoming lost in the retelling of the story. “I was like, ‘yeah, right! How stupid do you think I am?’” She shook her head at her attacker’s stupidity. Her face returned fear rather than disbelief as she went on, “Then they started to shout out what they were going to do if I didn’t come out... I had this picture in my head of Mom and Giles...” She choked back a sob before continuing in a high, reedy voice, “...lying on the sidewalk with their throat’s cut...”

She clenched her eye’s shut, squeezing out a single tear that slowly traveled down her cheek.

Watching the single tear fall as if in slow motion, Xander’s guts were twisting with fear and worry of his own. The picture in his head was even worse than Giles and Joyce dead on the ground. It was an effort to restrain himself from speaking. ‘Anticipation’s killing me here Dawn!’ he thought.

“I found a spot where I could see that all three of them were still at the entrance of the parking lot. Mom was being held by one guy, and Giles had one holding him from behind like mom, and the other was holding his dagger against his throat... Giles looked so angry! His hands were all clenching into fists over and over... I could tell he wanted to tear them apart with his bare hands. The one holding mom had to be the one that had grabbed me in the first place, cause his face was all bloody.”

“That’s when I saw the tattoo on their foreheads... I recognized it from what Buffy described. Somehow I knew they were there for me even before that... but when I saw they were those knights of whatever... It really sank in that they were there to kill me... it’s like their whole purpose in life to destroy The Key, which just happens to be me.” She blinked her eyes and met Xander’s gaze for the first time since beginning the story, saying, “Do you remember the first time someone wanted to kill you? I mean, you specifically. They wanted you dead, and they were ready to do it?” She didn’t wait for an answer, but continued, “That was my first time...”

‘Preying mantis lady...’ Xander remembered. ‘That was my first time, I think. First time someone wanted to kill me specifically... and I somehow for that one moment I just knew I was dead; no one was gonna save me...’ the sense of emptiness and desolation he’d felt in that moment came back for a second. ‘That’s what Dawnie must have felt right then...’

She dropped her eyes again as she resumed the story, “I remembered that Giles had that gun in the glove box in Mom’s jeep... he said so at dinner, and I just then remembered it,” she said in a voice that clearly indicated her discomfort with the tale she was telling. “So I was all freaking out, trying to remember where we parked... When I finally found it I opened the door, and they saw the light go on. The lead guy was screaming ‘Get Her!’ and I almost lost it... I grabbed the pistol and ran.” Her breathing had increased, no doubt she was remembering and re-experiencing the fear of that moment.

“They threatened to kill Giles if I didn’t come out, and I didn’t know what to do next, so I thought, ‘What would Buffy do?’ I figured out where I was again, and I sneaked over to where they were holding Giles and Mom... I wondered if I could really do it, if I could pull the trigger...” She gave a humorless chuckle and said, “I thought, ‘Just like playing Quake with Xander...’ then the one guy told the one with the knife to kill Giles and I... it was like I just... I felt cold, like I didn’t really feel anything...”

Dawn sniffled back her tears and lifted her chin a bit, though her eyes didn’t make it up as far as Xander’s face. “I stood up and... and it was just like the game... point and click and his head just went pifft! He fell so slowly... and I didn’t feel anything,” she whispered, shaking her head as if in wonder. “Mom screamed and pointed and when I turned around there was another one like right there charging at me. Same thing, point and click and pifft! and nothing... I didn’t feel anything at all.”

Xander cringed at the sound of quiet horror in her voice.

“I just stood there... I don’t know how long. Then Giles was there, telling me to look at him, and he said ‘it’s over’...” Her lips quivered and she visibly swallowed before continuing. “That’s when I felt... everything.”

“Oh Dawnie,” Xander breathed out a shuddering breath.

‘It’s bad, but it’s not as bad as I was afraid it was going to be...’ Xander thought, relieved and saddened all at once.

“I killed those men Xander... I shot them in the head and killed them,” Dawn said

“Dawnie, yes you shot them, yes they are dead, but it was to save Giles and your Mom’s life!” Xander reminded her. “Why would you be afraid that I’d look at you any differently for that?”

“But...” Dawn had an _expression_ on her face that was at once both worried and confused as she looked up to meet his eyes. “But that’s what you did... You killed Ben to save my life... a-and you called yourself a monster!” she cried in a quiet, anguished voice.

“Oh Dawn...” Xander said sadly. Unable to formulate an adequate response, he pulled her into a hug and kissed the top of her head.

He rubbed up and down her back soothingly as she cried. It wasn’t the wrenching sobs of earlier, but she was obviously upset nonetheless. “Dawnie... I don’t think you’re a monster. Not at all! I guess I just... I just feel so damn guilty, you know?”

Dawn nodded her head against his chest and said, “It hurts.”

“Exactly. It hurts, I feel bad, I think I’m a bad person... but I guess I can’t keep thinking that, cause I don’t think you’re a bad person...” he softly explained. “In fact, I think you’re amazing! What you did... most people would have been so terrified that they would have just kept running...”

‘I probably would have just attacked them... probably ended up throwing my life away for nothing,’ Xander thought, growing more and more amazed and beguiled by the slender girl in his arms as he considered what she’d done.

“I couldn’t let them hurt Mom or Giles...” Dawn said emphatically.

His voice filled with wonder, Xander praised her, “Dawn, you... you showed situational awareness, tactical planning, proper execution and a hell of a lot of guts! I am seriously impressed!”

“I threw up on Giles shoes,” Dawn whispered, sounding embarrassed.

Xander couldn’t help but laugh at that. “Well, you saved his life, I’m sure he forgave you for the shoes...” Even she got a chuckle from that.

Dawn’s arms tightened around him as she said, “Thank you Xander.” Her grip loosened, but didn’t fall away entirely as she added, “It still hurts though.”

Leaning back in the couch with Dawn still snuggled close Xander nodded his head in agreement. “Yeah...” he replied, his whisper laden with intense emotion. “It still hurts.”

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End of Chapter 1

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