OLDFIC: Finding Willow

["cdreramius" <o163210@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx>]

TITLE: Finding Willow 1/1
AUTHOR: Tony McD
DISCLAIMER: All characters belong to Joss Whendon, Mutant Enemy, WB 
and others. This is for fun, not profit.
SUMMARY: Buffy talks about her feelings and receives some wisdom from 
someone who knows. (B/W)
SPOILERS: Season 4
DISTRIBUTION: Anywhere is fine, just email me first at 

*-*-*-*-*-*-*

* I can't believe I'm going to tell _him_ this* Buffy thought. She 
stopped just short of the green door, hand frozen inches from 
knocking. Finally she overcame her doubts and knocked.

"Who is it?" he called out.

"Xander, it's me, Buffy."

"Come on down Buff."

She descended the stairs to Xander's dank little basement and saw 
Xander lounged on his sofa bed watching some movie or another.

"Hey Buffster! What's up?" Xander chirped.

"I really need to talk to someone." she told him.

"Pull up some mattress." he told her as he slid over to make some 
room on his bed. He was still in bed having decided to have a lazy 
Saturday watching movies.

"What are you watching?" Buffy asked as she sat beside Xander.

"Believe it or not it's `Interview With A Vampire'. Call it my form 
of research." he said.

"Oh. Um. Could you turn it off for a bit. I really need to talk to 
you and besides, I see enough vampires in real life without 
Hollywoods version."

"Sure thing." Xander said. He reached over to get the remote and in 
the process the sheet fell to his waist. Buffy looked at his broad, 
muscular shoulders and chest and realised that her friend has become 
quite a lush man. 

*Damn! When did Xander get so buff? No wonder Anya wouldn't leave him 
alone. I guess four years of killing vampires will keep you in shape.*

"OK what's up?" he asked.

"Could you put a shirt on? I'm finding it a bit hard to talk to you 
seriously when you're half naked." He reached over and grabbed a 
shirt. He was going to mention that he was in fact totally naked 
under the sheet but decided not to. Something must be seriously wrong 
if Buffy was coming to him for a serious talk.

"All right Buff" he said when he finished putting the shirt on. "What 
is it that brings you here to talk to me? I mean don't get me wrong, 
I love that you are talking to me but you normally talk to Willow or 
Riley if you have something serious to discuss."

Buffy looked a little uncomfortable. "It's something that I can't 
discuss with them and there is no way I am going to tell Mom or Giles 
this. So I'm down to talking to you." she said. Instantly she saw the 
pain in his eyes at the remark.

"Oh shit! That didn't come out right. I mean..." she was cut off by 
Xander.

"It's all right Buff. I know what you mean. Come on and tell me this 
big secret of yours." Xander said quietly. He had resigned himself to 
the fact that he no longer played a role in Buffy or Willow's lives 
any more.

But it still hurt.

"It's about Willow. You see when Oz came back and he could control 
the wolf I was all excited for Willow. It meant that she and Oz could 
get back together and she would be happy again. That's when she told 
me about Tara. And I guess I kind of freaked." Xander looked at Buffy 
angrily. He couldn't believe Buffy was homophobic.

"What? You afraid that she might hit on you? That she might want to 
get into your pants?" Xander said with some anger in his voice. 
Willow was the most important thing in the world to him and he would 
protect her from anyone who tried to hurt her.

Even Buffy.

"No!" Buffy cried out. "That's the problem! I wanted her to! I wanted 
her to kiss me! Damn it Xander, I love Willow!"

Xander just sat there. A shocked look on his face. Again his world 
had been shattered and he tried to think of something to say. Finally 
he managed to regain his power of speech.

"What? I mean, what about Riley?" he asked

"I like him. I even love him, but nowhere near as much as I do 
Willow. I've loved her for longer and she's the centre of my 
universe. It's just not the same."

"Have you told Willow how you feel?" Xander asked.

"No. I can't. I mean she has Tara and I have Riley and I don't think 
she likes me in that way. I don't want to destroy our friendship by 
me telling her that I love her only to have her tell me she doesn't 
feel the same way." Buffy had tears in her eyes but these disappeared 
when Xander began to laugh.

"XANDER! You insensitive pri..." Xander cut off Buffy's out burst.

"Buffy, I'm not laughing at you. I just find it ironic. You and me 
are so much alike." he said gently. Buffy now was just confused.

"Huh?"

"We're the same. You see, I loved Willow for years. Even before you 
came here. I mean I really loved her in the sense of marriage and 
eternal love. But I didn't tell her because I was afraid. I was 
afraid that she would reject me or if she didn't then I would do 
something and screw up everything, and lose our friendship. So I did 
nothing. Then along came you and along came Oz. By the time I did 
something about it, it was too late. The clothes fluke at Homecoming 
changed everything. We started to drift apart.

"When she was in a coma after Angel attacked her, I gathered my 
courage and told her that I loved her. And you know what? She called 
out for Oz. That's when I knew that I'd lost her forever.

"Now you're her best friend and she's with Tara. We aren't friends 
any more; not the way we used to be. If it wasn't for slaying she 
wouldn't even talk to me."

"Xander that's not true! She's still your friend." Buffy interjected.

"Buffy. Just look at me and Willow now. You know it's true." he told 
her with sadness and pain.

She thought about it and realised that he was right. Not only had he 
lost Willow, he had been left behind and ignored by herself as well.

"Oh Xander, I'm so sorry." Buffy said as she began to cry. Xander 
held her to his chest and rocked her.

"It's OK Buffy. I still love her. I always will. But I made the 
mistake of not telling her how I felt until it was too late. Now I 
gotta live with that. It hurts, Buffy, more than words can describe. 
I've resigned myself to trying to protect her and you from what is 
out there. That's the only reason I'm still here in Sunnydale." he 
gave a bitter laugh. "Hell, I can't even do that! You, Giles, Riley, 
Tara, Willow are all better at fighting evil. All I can do is get in 
the way."

Buffy looked up at Xander and saw the pain of a man who had lost the 
love of his life.

"Buffy. I was never good enough for Willow. But you are. I really 
care for you and I want you both to be happy. Don't make the same 
mistake I did. Tell her how you feel because if you don't you will 
lose her too. If you do and she feels the same way about you then you 
will have gained the most precious thing in the world. Willow 
Rosenberg." He gently kissed the top of her head and let go of her.

"Go. Find her and tell her your feelings. If you don't you will end 
up like me and I don't wish that on anyone." he told her. Buffy 
slowly nodded and headed for the stairs. When she had left Xander 
looked around his dark basement. He saw nothing that kept him there. 
He rose, dressed, and packed a bag.

As the bus left the town, Xander saw a sign. `Thank you for visiting 
Sunnydale. Please come again.' He mulled over it as it passed. 
*Maybe.*



Willow: "It's a good fight, Buffy, and I want in."
Buffy:  "I kinda love you."
                     'Choices'

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