Fic: We Band of Buggered 2/2

[Crys Loch <pagansoul@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx>]

Hi.  I'm resending part 2 because I never did see it come up.  This 
should bring the first attempt screaming around the corner, so I 
apologize if this is just a repeat.  The story itself is just a follow 
up to Survivors.  Okay, enough.  Here's the rest of the story and the end.
Crys

"No!"  Xander cut her off and gave in.  "No, I don't want to hear it."



Willow laughed.  "You sure?  Cause I'd pay good money to hear Buffy try 
to describe it." 



"Willow!"  Buffy glared.



"I can't deal with this."  Xander felt himself shutting down.  
Frustration overwhelming and blocking all his emotions except anger.  He 
was almost blind with it now, and shut his eyes desperate to try and 
keep control.



"You have to deal with it."  Willow carefully informed him.  "We all 
have to deal with it."



"I can't.  I can't just let this happen."  Xander opened his eyes, 
staring at the mark on Willow's neck.



"Let what happen, Xander?"  Willow brought his gaze into her own; 
calmly, resolutely challenging him.  "Let magic have an effect on me?  
Let a friend help me feel something again when there's nothing but cold 
need?  Let what's already happened, happen?  What?"



"How about let the Hellmouth swallow you whole?"  Xander countered.



"Xander, it's not."  Willow's eyes softened.  She leaned forward, 
resting her arms on her knees and tried to reach him through his anger.  
"I'm okay.  We're both okay." 



"But you're not."  Xander corrected.  "Nothing's like how it was.  And 
it feels like everything we've been fighting against."



"We're not turning evil,"  Buffy offered.  "It's just you can't get into 
the fight without getting some of it on you.  Or in you."



"But you are."  Xander persisted.  "I check the driveway now for hand 
baskets."



"Knock it off!"  Buffy stood up.  "So we're not like we were in high 
school.  How can we be?  You've been around the last few years.  You 
know everything that's happened.  Personally, I don't know how many more 
times I can die without it really screwing with my head."



"No!"  Xander rose as well.  "I may not have any big powers but I'm 
gonna have my say.  You can't just keep doing this.  We have to do 
something.  I have to do something.  I can't just stand by and let the 
evil suck you both in."



"Xander," Willow cut in, "we're human.  We're not demons.  Hell isn't 
sucking us in.  I mean yeah, souls touched by darkness.  But we're 
dealing with that.  We're surviving."  She pointed out, remaining seated 
and trying to remain calm.  "I wanted in the fight.  It's a good fight 
and I don't regret signing up.  But I'm in it now and I can't just pull 
out.  And that's not your fault," Willow directed towards Buffy.  
Returning to Xander, "We're still the good guys.  We're still fighting 
it and evil can't just suck us in."



"But it can, Will."  Xander countered.  "There's all sorts of evil and 
it can get us too: swallow you up whole.  I've seen that look in the 
eyes before.  You forget, I grew up with it.  As long as I can remember, 
my dad's eyes would go blank and then he'd hit me.  In fact, it's my 
earliest memory.  I can't let that happen to you."



Buffy's breath caught at the words and all her anger froze.  Willow was 
up and over to him before he registered he was wrapped in a hug.  Willow 
released her hold and pulled him down with her on the sofa.  "It's not 
gonna happen, Xander.  See, we're talking, we're dealing.  Already it's 
so on it's way of not happening."



Buffy heard Dawn's gasp from the top of the stairs and realized she had 
already heard everything.  She focused on Willow and Xander tangled 
together on the sofa, her mind aware again of what he just admitted, 
what he feared.  She crossed to the sofa and sat on the other side of 
Xander.  "Xander, I'm sorry.  I... I don't know what to say.  But it's 
different.  We can't just not fight.  So we're gonna have to find a way 
to deal with what it does.  But I can't just pretend any more that it 
doesn't affect me, or even that the darkness isn't a part of me."  She 
held his eyes as she admitted her own secret to him.



Xander closed his eyes and bowed his head, taking a deep breath he tried 
to explain.  "I know.  And I do know that.  But it's what I worry 
about.  I sit here in the dark and worry.  And I can't stop what's 
happening.  And I can't talk about it."



"Why can't you talk about it?"  Willow asked.



"Because, I don't know.  Because we'd get in a fight?"  Xander smiled.



Buffy laughed.  "He was afraid we'd kick his ass.  Please, Xander, know 
that I'd never really hurt you."



"I know, Buffy."  Xander acknowledged and reassured.



"And I tried but couldn't."  Willow pointed out.



"Mostly I think I was not only worrying about what was happening to you, 
but that it was happening to me."  Xander felt his frustration leave at 
finally voicing these tangled thoughts.  He felt the knot in his gut 
slip and loosen, and he could breathe again.  Still, he fought the 
following tears.



"What do you mean?  You're like the only sane one here.  You're like 
that soldier who goes off to war and comes back able to lead a normal 
life."  Buffy countered.



"But I can't, Buffy.  And it's not normal.  Never will be.  Remember me 
leaving an ex vengeance demon at the alter?"  Xander pointed out.



"Again, I say you're the sane one."  Buffy pointed back.



"No."  Xander continued.  They had to understand.  He had to try to make 
them understand what was happening to him.  "And you know?  I still love 
her.  It's just that all I could see was what I was afraid of turning 
into.  How long, how much further could I love her?  How much more could 
I see before anger just turned bitter and I stare blankly in the mirror 
at a demon?  And I see you both spiraling down and a part of me wants to 
sink with you."  Turning to Willow, his eyes softening as he reached out 
and tucked her hair behind her ear.  "A big part of me was hoping you'd 
take me with you that day."



"And all that happened was you pulled me back."  Willow smiled and took 
his hand in her own.



Buffy couldn't stay seated, so she rose and started slowly moving around 
the room.  "He has a habit of doing that."



"So I try to fight what's happening to you, cause I'm still in the 
fight."  Xander smiled ruefully.  "But I end up just fighting you.  
Buffy, you know I love you.  I love you both.  I'm tired.  I'm tired of 
fighting all the evil.  There's too much."  Xander took a deep breath 
and came to a decision.  "I'll help ya fight the demons.  I'm still 
there, to the very edge of the Hellmouth.  And I'll even help you fight 
yours if you let me.  But I won't fight you any more."  At Buffy's 
answering grin, he continued.  "I'll be there.  And I'll watch your 
back, both of you.  But please, will you just watch where you're going?"



Buffy smiled in relief.  It felt like he was saving her again.  "Thank 
you.  I've never told you thank you, yet, have I?"  She smirked.  "And 
hey, if we do go to hell, you're welcome to follow."



Xander laughed a little in relief, himself.  "No.  I'll do anything, but 
I won't do that.  Someone has to be around to remember.  And remind you 
both at awkward times what apparently happened tonight."  Xander smirked 
and slowly shook his head in now calm disbelief. 



Buffy blushed and put her face in her hands, chuckling to herself.  
Willow openly laughed. 



"I'll watch and I'll stay with you both, till whatever end happens.  
Just think of me as watcher guy, only without the pesky research."  
Xander gently vowed.  He did have a place here.  And he realized he 
probably had the hardest job.



"Giles would be so proud."  Willow commented jokingly, knowing it was 
the truth as well.



"Yeah, well, just remember to let me watch next time."  Xander hinted as 
the two women protested.  "See, one sane normal guy, coming up."



Buffy sat down in a chair and closed her eyes, exhausted with the night 
and feeling more relaxed than she had in what felt like years.



Willow squeezed Xander's hand and closed her eyes, settling a little 
deeper into the sofa next to him.  "You know, Tara and I used to just 
watch the stars.  And secretly, I used to thank them.  Lucky and all.  
And lately, I keep thinking that I should curse them.  But I still feel 
lucky, having you guys, being in this with the both of you."



Xander felt like he belonged here, in this ragged company of warriors, 
again.  It'd been so long since he felt a part of their lives and the 
last of the frustration left him, though a little of the worry 
remained.  Still, he couldn't remember the last time Buffy let herself 
close her eyes in his presence.  And he sat still, holding Willow's hand 
and watching Buffy almost sleep in the chair.



As sleep finally took Willow, Xander felt her hand slip from his as she 
curled into the space on the sofa.  Before he could miss the contact, 
her leg reached back to rest against his own.  Buffy woke at the 
movement and at her glance, Xander shrugged, whispering and knowing 
Buffy would hear.  "We always did have to be touching digits."  He 
leaned back, wondering if sleep would have him as well.



Buffy watched them for a moment.  She felt a little apart as always, yet 
somehow more connected than she had ever been.  They were truly in it 
together.  Any one of them unable to let any of the others go.  There 
should be guilt, but what she felt was love in that gray area between 
right and wrong.  'No more protecting them,' she realized and promised.  
Remembering Dawn at the top of the stairs, she got up to check on her.



Dawn had fallen asleep on the top step and Buffy gently woke her, helped 
her to her room and tucked her in. 



"You know," Dawn mumbled, still half asleep, "at first, I wanted so much 
to be like Willow.  To have all that power.  I even wanted to be like 
you at times.  Destiny, purpose, and all that.  Now I'm thinking I want 
to be Xander when I grow up."  She snuggled a little deeper into the 
covers, not even aware she spoke out loud. 



Buffy kissed her on her head and stroked her hair until she fell into a 
deeper sleep.  "Smart girl.  Just be the kind of Xander that finishes 
college."



Leaving Dawn to her dreams and knowing even after what she heard 
tonight, she would be alright; Buffy returned to the living room.  
Xander was asleep in the middle of the sofa, Willow curled up between 
him and the side.  She thought of just going up to her room, alone, but 
the thought felt lonely.  She started for the chair but let herself end 
up on the other side of the sofa.  Feeling Xander's arm circle around 
her, she rested her head on his shoulder and let sleep connect her to 
the daylight world again.






Willow: "It's a good fight, Buffy, and I want in."
Buffy:  "I kinda love you."
                     'Choices'

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