Gutter Report April and May 2004

TO: All Department Heads, United Vegetable Empire, and all other interested parties.

FROM: The Director of Public Safety

SUBJECT: End of the Month State of the Gutter and Woods Outback Report for April and May 2004

Ha! Bet you guys thought I forgot again, huh? But I didn't... just didn't have the time last month to get out April's report on time with the spring semester ending on me in the middle of May and I still had finals to get through. However, that is neither here nor there really… let’s just say I survived the spring semester nor have gone onto the summer semester. Hey it wasn’t my idea either but the other half of my ‘computer upgrade and repair’ class is only being offered in the summer. But on an upside my schedule is a lot lighter… only two classes for the next ten weeks or so, which will allow me a lot more goofing off time… if my head doesn’t explode from the dry as hell reading that is required for C++. I swear the person who wrote that book needs to be shot… or at least banned from writing anymore books!! Anyway with that said… on with the report:

Item 1:

The Celebratory Block Party in honour of the return of BadBard… a long time friend, bard, and fellow playmate in tormenting our ever absent and quite mad List-dad Rodrigo over there. :: points in the general direction of the list’s vampire list-dad currently having a heated argument with Ms. Edith over a feathered boa :: And to think… I’m the one everyone thinks is strange. :: shakes head before going back to the report. ::

Hopefully with the return of such an honoured and flat out missed List-member we can once again turn our attention to recapturing the ‘golden age’ of the BuffyLovesWillow and BuffyWantsWillow lists… in other words… LET THE MISCHIEF AND MAYHEM BEGIN!! As Director of Public Safety and one of the main list-troublemakers I am officially calling for a return to the days when these two lists were fun places to be apart of and hang out. Not many of the new-guys know it but we did at one time have weekly group chats where a bunch of us would gather in a chat room – that the Koala found that was Web-TV friendly so no one was left out – and just have a lot of fun for a couple of hours. Unfortunately over time we drifted away from that, it was no one persons fault; although, I am personally blaming it all on the evil-ass adults, they saw we were having fun and interrupted it!

We need to bring back that old atmosphere where people weren’t afraid to post something… I know {especially as a list-owner and as a moderator} we have to take into account the illegal posting of spam and do have to keep an eye out of it and off of our list. But damnit the entire list doesn’t have to be punished from the acts of the brain-dead few. Our lists were never bogged down by heavy-handed rules, it is something all the Moderators of the BuffyLovesWillow and BuffyWantsWilllow lists have fought to maintain… we never wanted to create an atmosphere of rigidness and frankly boredom. For those of you out there who know me, you know that I don’t take very well to boredom. Boredom and Shadow… bad, bad, bad, BAD combination… evil, confusing, and rather odd stuff happens when I’m bored. Don’t believe me? Just ask Kimber… she’ll tell you all the horror stories of what happens when I’m allowed to become bored… I think she still has nightmare about that one time… at the firing range… … … … :: grins wickedly ::

Item 2:

Regarding the All-Lurker Conga Line that wowed us at the Return of BB Block Party according to a Lurker spokesperson, once we were able to lure said Lurker out of the shadows and away from her bolthole we learned the origins of the spontaneous show of Lurker activity. Apparently said conga line was started by a deliriously happy Lurker who began chanting “A Wicca Gets The Wiggins… A Wicca Gets The Wiggins… A Wicca Gets The Wiggins” before the Lurker realised what was happening an entire conga line was formed and we had all kinds of Lurkers out in the open dancing around and partying even before we got the Block Party going. And best of all… we even managed to get it on tape… especially that one Lurker who did that quick little tango with Blade of Souls before dumping Dan into the swimming pool. In all it was a classic Block Party… just classic!

Item 3:

Regarding the minor incident with Bobo the attack lawyer slipping his collar and humping the Xerox machine after biting the Xerox representative; according to a statement released by the Office of Lawyerly Affairs, Bobo’s collar was somehow loosened after his flea-dip bath and managed to get it off and assault the Xerox Representative that had been staring at the Cute Office Assistant that also happens to be the wife of one Bill Gopher, Silent Panicky Gopher and Director of Lawyerly Affairs and Attack Lawyer Training. Thankfully Bobo was recaptured and his collar put back on before he could cause any real damage, such as slapping an maternity suit on the Office Coffeemaker like last time; however, it did not save the Xerox machine from being humped to with an inch of its life. In accordance to Gutter Policy, the Xerox machine has been replaced; as for the… molested Xerox machine, there is talk of using it for target practice or just loading it on the Extreme Slingshot Catapult and firing at the nearest UFO or Jehovah Witness… whichever comes first.

Item 4:

Regarding the SPORK controversy between the new DISH department and the Koala Kult, in which both groups claim the name. DISH is claiming that the name SPORK belongs to their Special Projects Operations Raids and Kidnapping Unit that was formed to aid in the deprogramming of List-members who had been brainwashed into becoming Riley and Mutt-boy shippers. While the Koala Kult claims the name belongs to their Spiked Punch Orgies Raves and Karaoke Union that is in charge of planning and setting up of all Koala Kult festivals and parties. The dispute has been brought before the Senior Executive Committee of List Gutter Affairs in hopes of finding a peaceful solution and hopefully avoid a DISH/Koala Kult dance off. We just got the Demonic Cabbages to stop dancing, we don’t need them to start dancing again! The Cabbages river danced for 67 hours straight! There was talk of having the whole patch mulched and putting up a mini-golf course… of course that brought up concern of the Cabbages coming back to haunt the mini-golf course and no one wants cabbage to come back on them! The smell alone is… … :: trails off before giving self a hard shake as if to ward off unwanted images ::

Item 5:

“A Wicca Gets The Wiggins… A Wicca Gets The Wiggins… A Wicca Gets The Wiggins… A Wicca Gets The Wiggins….” :: entire room stops what they are doing and watches as the conga line go by waving their mugs of spiked jungle juice around merrily ::

Item 6:

Tater will you please come and get the veggie claiming to be the Lone Rutabaga in search of his trusted companion Truffle? He is beginning to get on annoy the tall, semi-reformed, grumpy, ex-warlord who has such a low threshold of patience when it comes to having her ‘bard cuddle time’ interrupted. While we would normally let the matter correct itself, the little Amazon Bard seems to think the Lone Rutabaga is kinda-cute in a weird veggie sort of way and the last thing we need is for her to want to keep it or something. Such an event is almost certain to ‘miff’ the aforementioned Destroyer of Nations and lead to lots of pain and missing body parts if she should get it into her head that anyone encouraged the aforementioned veggie to pester her while she was pouncing on her bard.

Item 7:

The Office of Gutter Safety, working with the Amazon Royal Cooks, has ordered a stop to all production/baking of nutbread until there is a thorough inspection of the Amazon cooking hut. This is strictly a precautionary step to ensure that there are no adverse components in the baking of nutbread that could put the little Amazon Bard at risk and thusly sending her soul mate into a homicidal rage. It is common knowledge that Gabrielle is rather sensitive to certain herbs…and the last thing we want is for her to be out leading rock choruses. I don’t need to remind everyone that all of our rocks are quite tone deaf to begin with.

Item 8:

Okay… which one of you jokers nailed shut Trizdel’s torture chamber and put guppies into the water torture pool?? :: gives certain un-named smirking list-members a hard look :: Need I remind all of you that my little brother is a firm believer in getting even… as the Gopher cab attest too after that impromptu bath he once got from a certain Silver-tongued Wolf.

Item 9:

Regarding the missing master tape of Slayer/Hacker naughtiness that was removed from the vault. According to the sign-out sheet and the security cameras Kimber was the last person to be anywhere near the vault and the master tape in question… … … Kimber… there something you forgot to put back after making a copy or something along those lines?? Because the Golden Slayer and Hacker were thinking of watching it…… …

Item 10:

Regarding the suspected Lawn Gnome Training Camp in Mrs. Greely’s front yard… according to the Office of Gutter Intelligence and Wild Rumour Mongers, the camp is stepping up its Champaign to produce Lawn Gnome Terrorists in a bid to take over the Possessed Demonic Cabbage Patch in an effort to get Green Eggs and Ham elected to the Office of Prime Minister of the Salad Coalition in an hostile takeover of the United Vegetable Empire. Mrs. Greely’s front yard will be napalmed in a joint counter-terrorist strike of Gutter Security and UVE forces to wipe out the Lawn Gnome threat as soon as possible.

Item 11:

I would like to take the time to remind the List that I am NOT evil… merely socially challenged. :: insert big grin here ::

That is all… we know return you to your regularly scheduled fanfics.

ShadowDrake -

Dir. of Pub. Safety of the SECoLGA and Chief Dungeon Keeper. Vampire Teddy Bear and Flying Fox of the Woods Outback. The Big Bad and Little Comma. Mistress of Mischief, corruptor of the innocent, tormentor of Quindolyn. Founding Member of GWBNS - Hey, its a way of life! Dark Mistress of Weirdness. Yang to Alex's Yin. Charter Member of the Hand of Chaos, member of the Order of the Silver Claw of the Highland Werewolves of Gaia. Member of the Questionably Sane Biker Were-Folk Assn. {QSBWFA}

"I do not brood... I reflect." - Unnamed Vampire Teddy Bear 03/2002

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