FIC: I in Love Based on I in Team (2/4) W/B PG

Disclaimers in Part One

Part Two

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Ok, so I don't know what's going on with me. Here I have a great boyfriend,

Riley, with dreamy arms. Even Willow likes his arms and his hands. Willow even

set us up, so we're set up, we're all couple-y and I think Will would be happy that I finally have the inside scoop on the commandos and their "higher purpose" but she's not.

I can tell the moment that we walk into the Bronze that something is up with

my Wiccan. Xander and Anya leave to go dance, which is good, I still don't

know enough about Walsh and "her boys" to say if Anya is safe or not. And

after what I saw today I don't think I want to take on the entire US

government to rescue her.

Thankfully Riley leaves to go get drinks so I can ask Willow what's the up?

Only I chicken out at the last moment.

"Anya seems a bit on edge," I say, and wonder if I could get any lamer with

the small talk? I see Willow look away as if she's struggling with a

question.

"She's a little angsty around commando-types. Ex-demon issues," Willow

answers automatically. I can tell that something is really bothering her.

She sits there just playing with her drink for a few moments. And I of

course have to fill in the void with chatter.

"Oh. You know, I didn't think that you would mind. Riley and the guys were

throwing a little impromptu celebration in my honor and made it, like,

impossible to not invite them." I give her another lame-o line while trying to get

my mind around her mood.

"Oh. That's neat about the celebrating. I just thought this was supposed to

be, you know, just us. Just the Scooby corps, you know. I mean, I could have

invited somebody else if I knew it was an open free-for-all," she mumbles.

And again, I sense that there is something that she really needs to tell me

or talk about but just can't find the words, and you know what? I don't

blame her at all, I come dashing in here an hour late . . . with a

bunch of people that she's never met . . . shy Willow would naturally make

an appearance.

"I'm sorry. I had no idea. My *total* bad." I give her my most charming

smile, trying to get her to relax enough so that she'll talk and then her

words catch up with my brain. "So, who did you want to invite?"

Maybe she met someone? Maybe she's finally moving on from Oz . . . why did

my throat just close and tears come to my eyes with that thought? Why

does the idea of my Willow moving on to another boyfriend bother me so much?

I want her to be happy.

"What?" she asks, startled.

"You said you wanted to invite someone," I remind her and I really do want

to know. I do want her to be happy. I'm her best friend and best friends

want the friend-ee to be happy. We do really do! Honest! Cross my heart

and hope . . .

"No. Not--no one. I meant a hypothetical someone which is to say no one,"

she answers.

Oh, thank god! I think, and then immediately close down on that line.

"What are we celebrating?" her question makes it through my muddled thoughts

and I nearly tell her we'll celebrating the fact that you don't have

boyfriend. I don't though; it takes but a moment for me to remember.

"I'm in. The Initiative. Professor Walsh gave me the grand tour and we're

talking Grand as in Canyon! You'd never believe the size of it." I try to

make myself sound excited about it all, it's just that underneath I'm

frightened of the idea that the government is getting involved with demons.

"That's really . . . again I say 'neat.' So, what do you mean exactly?

You've joined them?" And Willow sounds exactly like I feel. I know she

thinks it's a bad idea. She doesn't know the real reason I joined them . . .

or maybe she does.

"No. N-not exactly. It just means that when I patrol I'll have a heavily

armed team backing me up." Which means that you, my dear Willow, will no

longer be put into danger because of MY job. I want to tell her the real

reason I've joined, or not joined, is because I can't stand it that my

"calling" has caused her so much pain. I look up from my thoughts into her

eyes and I can't read her emotions. So I add lamely--" Plus, boyfriend going

to work with me: big extra perk." She gives me that half-smile she has that

is so sad it nearly breaks my heart.

"Buffy, do you really think this is a good idea? I mean, don't you think

you're rushing things a little?" Huh? Why would she ask me that one?

She's the one that set me up with Riley. I never would have gone out with

him otherwise.

"I thought you liked Riley?" I ask her, thinking that if she doesn't then he

will be history tonight.

"Not with Riley. With the Initiative. I mean, there's a bunch of stuff about

them we still don't know," she clarifies. Damn, I was hoping it was Riley

she had a problem with, instead she's still on the Initiative. Duh, like I

don't know there are questions that need answering?

"I know that," and too late I realize that I sound more than a little

miffed. So I add with a smile, "like what?"

"Well, what's their ultimate agenda? I mean, okay, yeah, they-they neuter

vampires and demons. But then what? Are they gonna reintegrate them into

society? Get them jobs as bagboys at Wal-Mart?" Willow asks.

All good questions Will, and ones I hadn't thought of, and this is why I love

you so much. That's what I want to say, I don't. What I do say is, "Does

Wal-Mart have bagboys?" Because it's expected of me. Blonde hair sometimes

comes in handy. Like when I almost blurt out that I love my best friend at

unacceptable times.

"Plus, don't forget that '314' thing that Ethan told Giles about." Again

with the good question. But, again I don't want you involved so how do I

handle it--blow it off--I guess that's best.

"Well, a man that worships chaos and tries to kill you, is a man you can

trust," I say flippantly. I am worried about 314, deeply concerned about

this project, and I don't want to spend another minute in Riley's company

because I love you Willow. But my life is too dangerous for you to be my

best friend, so even if I won the lottery and you decided you were Gay--I'm not

free to love you.

"Well, bad info or not, I just think there's certain questions you should

ask before you go off and enlist," she persists. And now I wish that she

had brought someone to the Bronze tonight to distract me.

The pager that Walsh gave me earlier goes off and all I think is, saved

by the bell.

"When did you get a pager? What's going--?" she asks confused as I stand

up. Riley walks up and places his big arm around me.

"That's our cue. Mother wants us." It's like he's ordering me to go with

him.

"Will . . ." I look at her hoping she will understand.

"I know. Talk later," and she does. She always does. I allow Riley to

guide me away from the table looking around for Xander and Anya. When I

don't see them on the dance floor I stop to check the bar. Riley nearly

falls over me.

"Buffy we have to go, " he tells me impatiently as I check out the balcony.

"I don't see Xander or Anya anywhere, do you?" I ask him because his height

sometimes has its advantages.

Graham, who is behind us, pops up, " Your other two friends? I saw them

leave."

I turn to Graham, "What? They wouldn't just leave." But even as the words

are leaving my mouth I know that Anya is frightened of the Initiative so

she would have dragged Xander with her. And Xander for his part hadn't

looked pleased to see Riley and the boys.

"What does it matter Buffy? We have to go," Riley insists, trying to push me

towards the door. Wow, does he have a lot to learn about trying to get a

Slayer to do something that she doesn't want to do . . .

"No, I have to walk Willow home," I tell him and when I look up into his

face he's shaking his head no.

"We have been paged and we need to go now," he insists again, and this time

I see panic flicker across the manly features of his face and I wonder what

I saw in him in the first place.

Oh, I remember, he's a warm body . . . or to put it clearly . . . he's a

warm MALE body, that is a convenience so none of my friends--by friends I

mean "best friend" will know that when I tell Willow I love her, I actually

mean I love you and let's get naked together.

Did I really think that? Yes, I did. I'm not Gay . . . I'm not Gay. I

realize that in my confusion Riley has gotten us out of the door. So I dig

in my heels and watch as all the big soldier boys bounce off of little old

me like pinballs. Riley actually falls down with the other guys piled on

top.

I give him my best Slayer stare. "I said, I have to walk Willow home. I

will be along after she's safe." The guys just lay there on the cold wet

pavement with their mouths open. Well, I don't have time for their

stupidity so I turn on my heels and go back into the Bronze in search of my

life . . .er . . . my best friend.

I nearly run her over coming out of the Bronze.

"Hey, have you seen . . . ?" she asks.

"He left, I'll walk you home," I take her arm in mine.

In the time it took me to walk in the door, nearly run over Willow, and walk

out again all the boys have disappeared. Thank God I don't have to deal

with them.

Willow has her head down and her coat collar pulled up, hiding her face from

me. Her arm stays locked around mine as we leave the streets behind us and

move onto the quieter paths of the campus.

"Buffy?" her voice is a whisper. If I didn't have Slayer hearing then I

would have missed it. When my Willow won't look at me, is quiet, and

whispers my name, it means that she has something on her mind. She needs to

talk to me and I need to be supportive best friend, no matter what she tells

me.

"Yes?" I answer her as I spot a bench under a tree. Of course no one else

is out and about, this might be a college campus but it's still Sunnydale.

Willow and I will have the privacy that we need.

She waits until we are both seated before she starts to talk or should I say

blurt things out. "What if there was someone I was thinking about inviting to

the Bronze tonight? And that someone was a girl?" The bench falls out from

under me. My stomach fills with acid and I have to swallow to keep it from

coming up.

Irony, sweet irony, with a capitol I. My Willow likes girls or maybe not . . .

"Buffy?" I can tell that I've freaked her out. Best Friend mode remember,

this is Willow, Willow who you just want to be happy, Willow who you can

never love because of your calling?

"You're grossed out aren't you?" Willow who is standing and getting ready to

bolt because you can't get your mouth working. I see her turn, the muscle

in her legs bunching in preparation to flee and I use my Slayer reflexes to

grab her and pull her down into my lap. And wish I hadn't because

under the gross smell of stale cigarettes from the Bronze is the strawberry

of her shampoo and under that is the muskiness that is all Willow. Oh God I

love the way she smells and instantly I feel the heat beginning to build.

"Buffy? Um, ah, Buffy?" she tentatively asks trying to pull away from me.

I just tighten my hold and tug her closer. So that now her head is nestled

under my chin. She is so warm, warmer than Riley by far. "Buffy?" she

whispers my name in the form of a question and the heat that was building

races down my spine. I have to take a deep breath, then another.

"Willow . . ." her name comes out more as a plea. Then my senses return, or

the nagging little voice that likes to ruin my fun. I might have heard her

wrong, or she could had been saying she met a new best friend or . . . .

"Willow, what exactly did you mean about a girl someone?" Yeah, that was

good just blurt it out. So cool Buffy.

I have my arms wrapped around her so I can feel it when her breath catches,

I think she is crying. I want to move her so I can look, but I she's so

tense that I don't dare. I repeat it again, I am her best friend, I want

her to be happy.

"Willow, you can tell me anything," And now I do lift her chin up so that

she can see my eyes. "Anything." I reiterate. She nods and I let her move

off my lap to sit next to me, I don't like the loss of contact, so I claim

her hand in mine.

She takes a deep breath . . . then another. She looks up at me and her face

crumbles. I pull her back into a hug, and start gently rubbing her back.

"I think, I think . . . " she pauses to swallow a sob. "I might be Gay."

And now my tears start because it's like I've won the lottery but lost the

ticket. My Willow--Gay. My Willow that I can never have because of my

calling, Gay. I feel the tears start to pour down my face.

"I'm your best friend Willow, I will always love you," I tell her, she needs

to know that, even if I make sure she doesn't understand what I truly

mean.

She reaches up and traces my face, then takes her thumb to wipe away my

tears. I take her hand in mine and kiss her fingers. I hear her breath

catch and I know I've done too much, shown her too much, I release her hand

and place her back on the bench.

"Tell me about her," I choke out, hoping that Willow won't understand the

real reason behind my tears.

She looks away, down the path. "Her name is Tara, she . . . we met at the

Wicca group the night before the Gentlemen?" she glances back at me to see

if I remember, when I nod she stands up. I miss the feeling of her sitting

next to me, of her warmth, of her smell teasing my senses.

"She . . . I think . . . I mean I get the feeling that she's, you know?"

Again Willow looks back at me trying to gage my reaction. I know that any

hint of rejection now would ruin our friendship forever and if I can't have

her as my lover, then I still need for her to be my friend.

"But you don't know?" I stand up and take the step over to

her. "Will, you have to go to Tara and tell her; you have to honest with

your feelings."

And I am such a damn hypocrite! Willow comes and hugs me, I notice for the

first time how well we fit together. My head fits perfectly under her

chin, and if I wanted to pull away a little, I wouldn't have to stand on my

toes to kiss her.

"You're right, I'll go right now." She breaks away from me and I can feel

the tears threatening again.

"I'll walk you to the quad, then I have to go see what Walsh wants," I

face away to wipe the tears. When I turn back to her I have

a huge smile plastered on my face. She takes my hand and we head off in the

direction of dorm row.

TBC Three