Re: After the First B/W, T/D pg

[Mad Hamlet <Mad-Hamlet@xxxxxxx>]

Greetings,

> > After the First
Red
Joss' folk.
B/W, T/D...pg
Summary: My version of what happened after...and before.

So, y'know there was that rant thing a while back and since it was _Implied_
that I can, I will. This isn't flat out C&C, this is a relatively open
feedback with pros and cons. 

Obviously we'll go with the fun stuff first.



Well, journal entries are nice. They're probably in some ways really easy to
do, you just write yourself and take it with the events that did happen or the
writer wants to happen. 

It was definitely of the original; everyone happy, ultimately. Sure there have
been losses but those are no-names though I give you credit for Willow's
remark about 'loss of life taking it straight to the Hellmouth'. That is,
actually, it in reality. I recall watching 'Band of Brothers' and the
veterans, over fifty years later, were still tearing up over lost
comrades...so yeah, the fight may be good but cost is cost. 

The transitioning was alright. I mean, there was a hell of a lot passed over
relatively quickly. Some more detail would have been nice. I think the main
thing was that this appeared more like a letter than a journal. Journals are
more immediate. This happened today, the day before that happened-- etc. etc.


The recovery process was certainly interesting. You covered the major points
of addiction recovery which was well and good even though I personally
disagree vehemently with the whole addiction metaphor from the get go. Having
used it, it was used well. 

Except for one thing: Brevity.

This is all so brief. As I said, it looks like a letter written to someone to
catch them up on current events so then it can go into detail centred around
the more immediate past. It's obviously fanservice. Spike dead, but he's back,
steps aside. Anya lives, so Xander's happy. Willow and Buffy are together and
Tara gracefully slipped out of the way with so much as a 'By Your Leave' and
instantly gets swept off her feet by hooking up with Dawn. (THANK YOUR FOR
KEEPING IT PG! Dawn pairings, and I don't care the age or the partner, freak
me the Hell out)

That's all right though. A lot is mentioned, little is focused on. Really
FOCUSED. It took rather extraordinary events to seal the Sunnydale Hellmouth
and that also happened to EAT Sunnydale. Is there still a Cleveland?

If not, does anyone notice?

'In the news today McDonalds makes people fat and Cleveland vanished off the
face of the Earth. Wow, McDonalds food; whoever would have thought of that?'

A bit of fleshing out would be nice.

Next: I'm not exactly sure that was Willow. The 'Voice' used drifted in and
out of character. The beginning 'Um, K, this is Willow' was not Willow. It
sounded positively 'podunk'. 

"Hyuck, this heya be Willow an' mah Husband, also mah cousin, Earl."

Later things like the Zoo being her favourite was dead-on. Made sense too.
Other parts like 'Beautiful, sweet Tara' very Willowish. 

Last thing and a minor point: A few sentence structure confluffles. Simple
things like dropped words, missing articles, nothing that a good beta-reader
couldn't catch.

All in all not a bad blurb; very fan-servicy and nothing wrong with
fan-service. The events presented would definitely be a lot of fun to read
fleshed out, specially the 'big bad' using Willow's magics against her. 

Think about it.

I remain, as always,
Mad-Hamlet



I was born modest, but it wore off.
                         -Samuel Clement(Mark Twain)


Look upon my work ye mighty and...ah skip it.
http://www.realmoftheshadow.com/madhamlet.htm
                                    -Mad Hamlet


Creator & Editor of Radio: JAABAFF.
The first and only BtVS Femslash Radio Show.
http://www.wiffy-dreamverse.com/




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                     'Choices'

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