FIC: Re-post: Prologue and Part one of Hold On

["xenarip13" <xenarip13@xxxxxxxxx>]

Title: Hold On
Disclaimer: I don't own this.  The mostly great Joss Whedon does.  I 
make no profit.  I am simply rebuilding.
Spoilers:  All are fair game.
Pairing:  B/W
Note and Warning:  I am severely out of practice.  Every time I 
think I can start writing regularly again duty rears its ugly head.  
So, I warn you it may suck.  Thanks for reading anyway and feedback 
is appreciated.

Prologue

`Where Do We Go From Here?'

As song spills from her lips unbidden, Willow glances at Tara, `She 
was right and I was so wrong.' She looks away as Tara catches her 
eyes glaring at her, `She tried to tell me Buffy was too good to be 
in a hell dimension, but I couldn't&I tore her out.'  Willow 
searches for Buffy realizing she is gone.

Willow clenches her fists, closes her eyes and concentrates on her 
own will.  More easily than expected, she breaks the song's spell 
over her.  She creeps out of the Bronze quietly shutting the door 
behind her.  From the alley she hears Spike talking to Buffy.  She 
suddenly hears new music start up so she peers around the corner, 
down the alley.  She sees Buffy singing with Spike.

`Spike?!?' Willow is watching the big finale, `She hates Sp---,'

"&But you can make me feel," Spike steps toward Buffy reaching out 
to her.

"&I just want to feel," Buffy grabs Spike pulling him to her.

Willow watches in disbelief as they close on each other and meet in 
a passionate kiss.  Willow feels the rage boil in her stomach, `How 
dare she!' with smoldering, ebony eyes, Willow walks away from the 
source of all her inner pain.  As she passes the door to her 
friends, she catches the last refrain from inside.

"&Where do we go from here?.."


Title: Hold On
Disclaimer: please see part one for all disclaimers.
Pairing:  B/W
Spoilers:  All are fair game.
Rating: R to be safe.
Note:  I am taking some liberties with episodes please forgive.


HOLD ON

Tara quietly glides around the bedroom she shares with Willow 
placing personal belongings in a box on the bed.  Every once in a 
while she glances through tear-filled eyes over at Willow sitting in 
the corner emotionless.  She was sitting there when Tara walked in 
after returning from the Bronze sing-along and hadn't moved as Tara 
began packing.  Finally placing the last item in the box, Tara looks 
at Willow.  Willow doesn't look back.
"Willow," Tara crouches in front of her, "I-I can't stay knowing 
the t-truth."
Willow finally looks her in the face, "I shouldn't have changed 
your memory."  She knows she doesn't sound as sorry as she truly 
is, "I'm sorry."
"N-no, you shouldn't have, but th-that's not what I meant," Tara 
glances away, "I m-meant the truth about B-buffy&and why you tore 
her out of her peace." Tara stands up as Willow glares at her.
"You let your own f-feelings push you into dark magic.  It's over 
taking you and it will win if you d-don't tell the truth."
"You helped me!" Willow stands defending herself.
"I shouldn't have, but I loved you&it was my weakness, but I can't 
be your cover anymore.  Good bye, Willow.  I won't be back." Tara 
lightly touches Willow's cheek then turns and walks away.
A single tear slips down Willow's cheek as she watches Tara 
go, "I'm sorry."  `You'll never know how much.' She finishes in her 
mind.
Buffy comes into view at the top of the stairs.  She looks at 
Willow staring apologetically.  Not able to look into Buffy's eyes, 
Willow closes the door with a push of her mind.
Buffy turns from Willow's door slowly with a feeling of regret she 
can't place.  She walks into her room and turns on her radio.  She 
looks at the bed, but can't bring herself to lie in it.

`Tara's left and from the sounds of it for good.' Buffy paces, `I 
shouldn't have told them the truth.' She stops and looks at herself 
in the mirror, `wasn't like you could hold it in anymore&yes, but I 
hurt them all.' She resumes pacing, `Except Spike, but I'll hurt him 
too in the end.'  She sits in the front of her mirror.
Willow sits on her bed staring at the door.  She knows chasing 
after Tara wouldn't have made a difference, but perhaps she should 
have made the effort.
"She was right.  It is the dark magic and it thrives on lies," 
Willow acknowledges to herself, "Goddess knows, you are feeding it 
with your deceit, but how can I tell her the truth?  She'll hate me 
if she doesn't already." Willow looks at her reflection from the 
mirror on the door, "You'll lose yourself to the magic if you don't 
and then she'll be your enemy for sure." Her mind answers, "You also 
owe it to Tara."
Her mind made up, Willow walks across the hall to stand outside 
Buffy's door.  "Quit being a coward and knock," she whispers to 
herself.
Buffy makes faces at herself in the mirror an attempt to make her 
outside look as ugly she feels on the inside.  `Spike.  You let 
Spike touch you just so you could feel.  What the fuck were you 
thinking?!  I wasn't.  I was finally feeling something.' She looks 
at herself again, `You weren't worth bringing back to life and you 
didn't deserve the peace you had or the friends who still love you.' 
She stands scowling at her own image.
"They should have left you dead and in Hell!"  She screams smashing 
her fist into her reflection breaking the mirror.
Willow hears Buffy screaming and the shattering glass.  She flings 
open the door without touching it and rushes into the room looking 
at Buffy in shock over what she heard.  Finally, a drop of blood 
falls to the desk from Buffy's hand breaking her paralysis.
"Left you dead and in Hell?!" Willow screams at her, "How can you 
say that?!  You have no idea what we were going through without you&
what&what I was going through without you!" Willow realizes what 
she's said, "You can hate me if you want, but I can't let the lies 
eat at my soul any longer," Willow raises preparing for her 
confession.
"Willow, I don't&" Buffy stammers.
"Shut up." Willow stays calmer than she feels, "I couldn't live 
without you.  I was empty.  Tara loved me so much that she helped me 
get you back knowing in the end what it would cost her and fearing 
what it would cost me.  She helped me get back what I wanted most in 
life even knowing it wasn't her.  She's gone now and she's right to 
leave.  I can't give her something that has always belonged to 
someone else.  I just wish I could lessen her pain." Willow turns 
her back on Buffy. "She was also right about the magic we used 
taking me over the more I lie and hide.  She was right about 
everything including you being at peace, but I didn't care.  I 
wanted you&needed you here and she knew it, too.  She did it to keep 
me alive, because she loved me like I lo&So, the truth.  Do you know 
why I didn't sing while everyone else did?" Willow waits for an 
answer.
"N-no&" Buffy croaks out looking at Willow's back.
"Because I used my power not to.  I was too frightened of what 
would come out of my mouth.  Now, I'm going to tell you this&don't 
ever wish for death not after the price some of us have paid to get 
you here.  I'm sorry you were happy, but never sorry you're here 
instead." Willow turns as a familiar song starts playing, "The 
demon's magic is still in the air&"

Buffy watches as a spark glows in Willow's eyes.  The music fills 
the room.  She sees Willow's face fall into a slight trance as her 
lips open with song.
"We were all wounded in some domestic war
  I found you to settle my score
  You looked like father 
  You felt like mother
  My mind told me heart
  There is no other."
As if by magic their thoughts were melded, both begin seeing images 
from their past.  The first image that is shown to them Buffy is 
walking up to Willow on Buffy's first day at Sunnydale.
< Buffy, to her surprise can hear everything as she watchers 
herself walk up to Willow sitting in her `softer side of sears' 
jumper.  She watches as Willow jumps when she speaks to her.> 
"Uh&hi&Willow, right?" 
"Why&uh&I-I mean hi..did you want me to move?"  Willow stammers 
out. 
"Why don't we start with hi&I'm Buffy and then let's segue directly 
into me asking you for a favor."  Buffy sits down next to 
Willow, "It doesn't involve moving, but it does involve hanging out 
with me for a while."
Willow looks at Buffy like she has two heads, but so wants to hear 
what she has to say.
"But aren't you hanging out with Cordelia?"  reality check from 
Willow.
"I can't do both?"  Buffy looks perplexed as if Willow doesn't want 
to hang out with her.
"Not legally&"  Willow mutters.
Buffy goes on talking about needing help to catch up so she doesn't 
flunk and that Willow is the girl to talk to.  Willow immediately 
perks up at this and offers to help Buffy anyway that she can.  
Buffy is allowed to finally here Willow's thoughts instead of her 
talking during this meeting.  
`She's so beautiful.  Why would she want to be my friend?  Hey, she 
needs help&she didn't say anything about being friends.  Yeah, but 
maybe&maybe she wants to be my friend&so beautiful.'>
The scene changes to their meeting in the Bronze later that same 
night.  Buffy can't here anything that they are saying, but she 
hears all of Willow's thoughts.  


<`Boys&yeah boys are fine&can't relate or talk to them, but who 
wants to if I can talk to you&'
`Seize the moment&I can't&you don't know me&I just can't&boys like 
girls who talk and even if they don't I bet you do&'
`She'll be back&she doesn't have to come back, but she's going to&I 
should practice seizing the moment&make it look like I am paying 
attention to her.'>
The scene changes to Willow in the hospital with Oz, Cordelia and 
Xander around her.  Buffy wasn't there, because she was trying to 
kill Angel.  Buffy never really knew what happened in the hospital 
only the outcome, which was the restoration of Angel's soul.  She 
watches as it unfolds before her.
< She sees Willow looking and talking to all of them.  They don't 
want to hear what she has to say about trying again to restore 
Angel's soul, but she puts on her famous `resolve face even as they 
try to tell her it is to dangerous. > 
This could help Buffy.  Buffy hears this repeating over and over in 
Willow's head even though she only voiced it once.  The look on Oz's 
face says it all.  He always seemed to know more than any of them 
when it came to Willow.  He knows she will do it without their help.
Willow never knew Buffy didn't know she was trying.  She never knew 
the real message that Xander gave to her about kicking his ass.  
Buffy's mind reels with the thoughts she hears from Willow as the 
scene shifts to Willow performing the spell to give Angel back to 
her.
`This isn't working&of course not&you don't really want him to have 
his soul back&Yes I do&only part of you does&only the part that&shut 
up&I will give up to you what you need from me&I will sacrifice my 
love for hers&.I will lose whatever you demand in order for her to 
have her love back again&this must work&please give my love the love 
of her heart&I will pay the price&'
Buffy hears another voice in Willow's head that the others don't 
hear.  It is dark and sinister, `We will answer your request&we 
demand your love in sacrifice for hers as you have offered, but it 
will not be your love for her&you shall burn with that&we will take 
your love for another in her loves place&do we have a deal little 
one?'
Without hesitation Willow's mind calls out the answer, `YES!&I give 
my love for another for her love&take what you must&when you must&I 
give it to you freely for her&'
`We will take it when you need it most&when you need it most&'  
Buffy watches Willow's head snap up and then back down as if 
receiving some great knowledge and when she speaks again the 
stammering has stopped and her voice is clear and powerful with the 
spell.  Buffy knows this is how Angel regained his soul and Willow 
later would lose Oz.  She knows it in her bones.>
The vision disappears and Buffy sees Willow as another verse flows 
out of her.  Buffy listens knowing she has no choice.
"And I gave you my soul 
 And every ounce of control
 I gave you my skin 
And my original sin
 I gave you my pride and my side
 Oh my pride
 Ain't that enough?"
Again, Buffy's mind lapses into Willow's with sight.
< Her mind replays the moment when three of them joined with her to 
stop Adam.  She feels the burst of power that it gave her and she is 
in the moment again.  She didn't remember much from the time after 
it was over, but now she relives it and its memories.> 
Magic&she felt the magic pour into her.  There were three of them&
three distinct essences besides her own, but only two were burning 
bright in her mind&in her soul.  Adam telling her she couldn't last 
much longer, but it was not her that answered him.  No, the voice 
that came out was the red one inside her&. it was Willow.
`Yes we can.  We are eternal." She could feel she meant her and 
Buffy.  Then the magic words followed placing a shield between her 
and Adam's bullets.
Then the red one's presence sub-sided and she came forth again.  
Her battle skills were needed, but she felt them all in her.  She 
felt the red one's&There it was the reason for her strong presence&
the reason for her agreeing to the joining&She felt the red one's 
love for her.  She could hear it behind all the other thoughts that 
were her own and the other two's.  All she had to do was focus and 
she could make out what the red one was thinking inside her head. 
`You are strong.  You will defeat him.  He is insignificant to us.  
He can never hope to grasp the source of our power.  It is love and 
he has no heart&no soul.'
Buffy remembers the power of ripping out Adam's power supply.  She 
remembers the red one's magic taking it from her to another place.  
Now, she can finally remember the last word's she heard in her soul 
before they parted from her.
`Rest my love.  Remember little.'  She sees herself fall into 
Riley's waiting arms.>
Buffy shakes her head as the present returns to her.  All the 
anguish pouring out of Willow into another verse as it assaults her 
ears.
"I turned your dreams into lightning
 Ain't that enough
 I held the world back for you
 Ain't that enough
 I loved you past the point of dying
 Ain't that enough of me for you?"

< She sees the night that she ran to catch Riley.  Xander had told 
her to go, but Willow had been the one to hold her when she couldn't 
reach him in time.> 
"Xander told me to run&and I did, but I couldn't get to him in 
time."  Buffy sobs as Willow holds her tightly, "I can't believe he 
just left like that.  I thought he loved me&"
"He does love you."  Willow strokes her hair, "He would be crazy 
not to."
"Then why did he leave&if he loved me why did he leave?"  Buffy 
sobs harder.
"Because he couldn't handle your destiny&your life&that isn't you, 
Buffy&that's his weakness.  Anyone who loved you the way you deserve 
would still be here."  Willow whispers to her.
"Like you&you're always here."  Buffy yawns beginning to fall 
asleep in her arms.
"Always."
The scene changes abruptly to her standing on the tower with Dawn 
after pummeling Glory.  She sees herself above Willow on the ground 
through Willow's eyes.  She feels as if she is inside Willow.  She 
feels her panic and hears her thoughts.
`What is she doing?!  They need to get down before they fall.  Why 
is she moving to the end?!  Oh my goddess!  The rift is open.  The 
dimensions are merging.  How is she&What is she doing?!'
Buffy watches through Willow's eyes as she jumps from the tower 
falling into the rift and then through.  She hears Willow's thoughts.
`Not her&I know we struck a deal, but not her&not now.  We can't 
lose her&I can't lose her&I love her&not her!  NOOOOO!'
She feels the memory of Willow's deal to give Angel his soul back 
enter her mind.  She feels the despair Willow feels watching her 
fall.  She knows she was wrong about thinking Oz would be the 
price.  She is Willow's price.  She has always been Willow's price.>
A tear slides down Willow's cheek as another verse is ripped from 
her.  She makes eye contact with Willow.
"I was so sure one and one gave you one
 My noisy love is coming undone
 Now you leave like father
 Disappointed like mother
 And I know in my heart 
 There is no other."

< She feels Willow begin to surrender to the idea of dying.  She 
sees Tara agree to help Willow bring her back.  She feels Willow's 
guilt over her love for the shy woman not being enough.  She feels 
the pain Willow feels having Tara help her bring back the one true 
love of her life.> 
That vision vanishes as another takes its place.  She sees 
tonight's argument with Tara.  She feels Willow's pain and guilt.  
She can sense Tara's pain as well.  She feels the truth of what 
happened.
 "Willow," Tara crouches in front of her, "I-I can't stay knowing 
the t-truth."
Willow finally looks her in the face, "I shouldn't have changed 
your memory."  She knows she doesn't sound as sorry as she truly 
is, "I'm sorry."
"N-no, You shouldn't have, but th-that's not what I meant," Tara 
glances away, "I m-meant the truth about B-buffy&and why you tore 
her out of her peace." Tara stands up as Willow glares at her.
"You let your own f-feelings push you into dark magic.  It's over 
taking you and it will win if you d-don't tell the truth."
"You helped me!" Willow stands defending herself.
"I shouldn't have, but I loved you&it was my weakness, but I can't 
be your cover anymore.  Good bye, Willow.  I won't be back." Tara 
lightly touches Willow's cheek then turns and walks away.
A single tear slips down Willow's cheek as she watches Tara 
go, "I'm sorry."  `You'll never know how much.' She finishes in her 
mind.
Buffy knows this is Willow's truth that she is hearing and seeing 
right now.  She is again Willow's price.  Always Willow's price.  
She sees herself singing earlier tonight.  She knows the song.  It 
is the song that has escalated all this into happening.  She doesn't 
want to hear it, but it is no longer her choice like so many other 
things.
"..well that depends&on if they let you go &on if they know enough 
to know&that when you bowed you leave the crowd&"
Buffy sees the look on Willow's face.  She sees the confusion.  
"&there was no pain&no fear no doubt `til they pulled me out of 
heaven&so that's my refrain.  I live in hell cause I've been 
expelled from heaven&I think I was in heaven&"
Buffy sees Willow backing up from her.  She can feel the 
realization wash over her redheaded friend to be replaced by such 
overwhelming remorse.  She feels Willow's struggle with the regret 
for Buffy and the joy that she is alive.  The struggle of which 
emotion to hold onto. >
The vision disappears as song fills her mind again.  This time she 
can't look at Willow, because of the hurt they are both feeling.
"And I gave you my soul
 And every ounce of control
 And I gave you my shame
 And my eternal flame
 And I gave you my need
 And my seed&Oh my need."
< She is transported to a memory of Willow's that she could never 
possess.  She instantly knows that she is dead during this memory.  
She feels the emptiness in Willow's being from her not being there.> 
She watches as Willow calls forth the blessed one.  She sees a fawn 
walk up to Willow and looks on in shock as Willow cuts its throat 
taking its life.  She feels the dark magic begin its trek into 
Willow's soul with this one act.
She feels like she is suddenly moving fast-forward as she now sees 
Willow alone, naked, in her bedroom with the curtains drawn and 
several candles lit.  She stares at Willow as she takes her fingers 
and dips them into what Buffy knows is the fawn's blood then places 
them on her sex.  She wants to look away, but she can't.  Instead, 
she forces her eyes closed.  She can hear the words Willow says and 
can hear what Willow is doing to herself.  
"Please grant me back the one who a bargain struck took from me.  
Please grant me the soul that mine cries out for.  I give you my 
seed and you know my need.  Please I give you my fire&I offer you my 
shame&I hide from love&I hide from truth&I offer anything you want 
in order to have her back."  Willow's fingers move inside her faster 
as she speaks, "I will offer myself in her place."
"How would that give you back what you beg for little one?"  The 
dark voice returns.
"I could watch her as she lives&I&I have nothing else to offer&"  
Willow pleads as she approaches her peak.
"We took your only love for the last bargain you struck with us&now 
you wish to have her back.  What are you willing to give us this 
time?"
"My life&I will give you my life for hers&please&I beg of you&"  
Willow sobs, as her orgasm is only moments away.
"Complete your spell&we will take your offer&we will take your life 
for hers&if she sees fit that we should have it.  Complete your 
spell&the bargain is struck."
Buffy hears Willow's orgasm wash over her and opens her eyes in 
time to see Willow put the bloody mess from her hand into a jar and 
close the lid.
Again the sliding feeling in her stomach as she moves to the night 
she was brought back from her grave.  She sees her friends sitting 
on her grave in a circle.  She hears Willow's thoughts as the spell 
begins.  She sees the snake from Willow's mouth and realizes just 
how far Willow went to get her back.
`The spell will work.  I have the bargain.  Whatever happens the 
spell will work.  I have the bargain.  If I die&she will live.  I 
have the bargain.  I have the bargain my love come back to&come 
back.' >

Buffy opens her eyes and sees the tears falling down Willow's cheeks 
as she looks directly into Buffy's eyes.
"Why can't you hold on?!"
The link between the two severs as Willow's and the demon's magic 
passes.  She follows the last note falling to the floor sobbing.  
Buffy staggers backward as her mind finally clears.
`I didn't know&all that feeling for me and I never knew,' Buffy 
looks at her best friend weeping on her floor, `All that&all that 
love&I can still feel all her love for me.  What am I supposed to do 
now?!'
She grabs a shirt from her bed, wraps it around her bloody hand, 
and walks to where Willow is on the floor.  She crouches beside the 
redhead and does what instinct tells her to do.  She wraps her arms 
tightly around her.
"I don't know what to say other than I'm holding on right now, 
Willow."  She squeezes her crying friend.  She feels Willow wrap her 
arms around her and cling tightly to her, head against her chest as 
she places her blond head over hers, "I'm holding on right now."

TBC in the sequel I think. 








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Willow: "It's a good fight, Buffy, and I want in."
Buffy:  "I kinda love you."
                     'Choices'

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