FIC: "Madness Used To Be Mine" (7/12)

Buffy walked back inside the bathroom. Faith had moved ever so lightly, her arms were wrapped around her knees and she was still shaking.

Buffy moved closer, she took a wash clothe and put some soap on it.

She took a small seat and placed it just beside the bathtub. Faith gave a minor jump when Buffy touched her with the wash clothe. Buffy didn?t move her hand but as Faith didn?t say anything or move backwards, Buffy started running the wash cloth on her back.

Faith closed her eyes.

Buffy kept running it slowly on her back, then on her nape. Faith leaned backwards on the tube, letting Buffy do. The older girl started running it on the front; on Faith?s face, neck, chest, avoiding the brunette?s nipples.

Faith?s tits hardened at the contact of the water and Buffy?s hand in the wash cloth brushing on her breasts.

Buffy seemed unfocused; she had a hard time understanding the many thoughts in her mind at that moment.

That whole situation was disturbing her a lot.

She?d never thought she?d be washing Faith like that one day. Never thought she would see the brunette in such a surrendering state.

But yet she?d never thought she would feel so much concern, even love for the younger slayer.

But tonight, she?d understood. Seeing her in Sunnydale High vestiges tonight, curled up, lost, confused, helpless... She?d understood she?d never truly wanted her dead, she?d never wanted her away either...

Buffy wasn?t really sure anymore about the things happening last year. Her point of view on them was slowly changing. She had other perspectives and a better insight on her own feelings for the brunette slayer... then, and now.

She tried to focus on Faith again instead of thoughts of Faith. She couldn?t help looking at her thin features, her lips, still so kissable. Buffy took a deeper breath at the admission of that thought.

She didn?t know if it was college, if it was Willow and her, if it was just the exhaustion or just the surprise of Faith?s return, or even the state of nakedness Faith was in, both literally and figuratively, but in any case; Buffy found her own thoughts in the same state: unadorned.

And those thoughts didn?t seem so threatening to Buffy at this moment compared to last year. She used to spend so much energy trying to push them aside, trying hard to cover the undeniable attraction she felt for Faith. She couldn?t comprehend it, even less accept it then. She always felt these thought led her into the danger zone.

But now... It didn?t seem so dangerous anymore.

But maybe it was because Faith didn?t seem dangerous in the state she was in.

Buffy kept staring at her, her face, her lips again. She was caressing more than washing Faith?s chest and back.

Buffy?s gaze dwelled a little on Faith?s breasts as she was in deep thoughts again.

Faith saw her but then looked aside and Buffy thought the brunette was going to throw up again.

Faith could have sworn she saw in Buffy?s gaze on her what she?d always wanted to see in it. And the dark slayer couldn?t believe that after all she?d done, she could still be thinking about Buffy wanting her. Still be hoping for it. She felt sick about herself.

Buffy saw new tears falling down on Faith?s cheeks.

?Shh, it?s ok. It?s-?

?Why??

Buffy put her hands on Faith?s face, ?I couldn?t let you there. And it?s gonna be alright now.?

Faith put her hands on the collar of Buffy?s shirt, ?What did you do, Buffy??

Buffy wasn?t sure anymore of what Faith was talking about, but the brunette surely was holding Buffy?s shirt tighter now.

?Faith, you need to listen to me. What is done is done. You can?t-?

?Why didn?t you kill me?? Faith pleaded and Buffy could only stare at her.

?Why??

Buffy felt herself slowly moving closer as Faith was still pulling on her collar rather tightly. Buffy?s thighs were on the edge of the tube and she was slowly falling. She held herself on the other edge with one hand while trying to make Faith let go of her shirt with the other one.

Buffy?s blue jean was only just starting to get damp when Faith let go of her shirt only to hold Buffy?s hand tightly.

They stared at each other.

?You should have killed me.? Faith barely breathed out and Buffy didn?t hold herself anymore as she was staring into the brunette dark brown eyes. The _expression_ in it betraying so much pain and so many other things which somehow paralyzed Buffy. She?d always been so confused by the brunette?s intense gaze. That hadn?t changed.

Buffy slid in the bathtub and Faith let herself being hold by the blonde girl then.

?Shh... I could never do that. Never.? Buffy whispered, caressing the back of Faith?s head.

After a while, Faith pulled away. She looked unsure and put her arms around her knees once again. Buffy stared at her. She then looked around and at her shirt, wet. She took a deep breath and took it away under Faith?s attentive gaze.

The slayer stayed in her bra and pants in the bath tube. She then took one of Faith?s legs. The brunette looked somewhat distrustful but Buffy didn?t let it stop her.

She took some cream and a razor and smiled at Faith, ?Let?s turn you back into a lady. It?ll help you feel yourself again.?

Buffy started shaving Faith?s left leg.

They stayed silent for a while. Faith kept looking at Buffy.

?I was never a lady.?

Buffy smiled at Faith?s comment.

Faith?s tone was motionless but at least she was focused, she was with her and she was slowly getting out of her state of shock.

?I?m not sure I want to be myself again.?

Another sentence.

Buffy finished her left leg and she stared at her, ?I?m not gonna lie. This is going to be hard, Faith. Probably the hardest years of your lives are ahead of you, not behind.?

Faith looked at the water, she seemed oblivious.

?Stay with me.?

Faith looked at her with a jump.

?Stay with me.? Buffy repeated, ?In every sense of the way, and I?ll try my best to make it better for you.?

Faith didn?t say anything. Buffy started shaving the brunette?s other leg.

When it was done, Buffy knelt in the tube and moved closer. She was in between Faith?s legs.

Faith kept staring at her and Buffy swallowed.

But she focused again.

?Raise your arm.?

Faith did so and Buffy shaved her arm pit, one then the other.

?There, that?s better.?

?Thanks.?

Buffy slowly got up in the tube. Faith sat up straight in it to take the razor from Buffy?s hand.

Buffy frowned.

?Not finished. You ain?t gonna shave that area for me, B., now are you??

Buffy smiled. Faith?s tone was still pretty toneless and weak, but she was slowly coming back. And she?d called her B. Buffy realized she?d missed that nickname.

?Ok. But you know it?s not the most urgent thing right now.?

?Thought you wanted me to feel like a lady? With such a bush down there I rather feel like a Yeti.?

Buffy couldn?t help but laugh a little.

Faith didn?t laugh and was already looking the other way, but still, she seemed to be better.

Buffy got rid of her wet clothes. She saw Faith glancing at her but then back at herself, with still a very serious look on her face.

Buffy hung out her wet clothes while Faith started shaving her pubic hair as much as she could.

Buffy looked at her for a few moments then walked to the door,

?I?ll be back in a sec with clothes for you.?

Buffy went to her bedroom. She changed clothes and took a pair of short and a long t-shirt for Faith.

Buffy walked closer to the bathroom without a noise. She tried to listen through the door, not knowing what she was looking for.

The room was silent.

Buffy opened the door without a noise.

Faith was sitting on the edge of the tube, her legs in it. She couldn?t see Buffy that way.

The blonde slayer tried to see what she was doing but Faith apparently wasn?t moving.

Buffy then noticed Faith?s right fist was clenched and blood was running from it.

Buffy frowned but didn?t move as Faith opened her wrist; it was the small razor?s blade. Faith had taken in out of the razor. She was looking at it.

The dark slayer moved her left wrist closer but then felt Buffy behind her.

The older slayer put one hand on the razor blade and the other on Faith?s left hand.

?This isn?t going to happen, Faith. I won?t let you.?

She heard Faith swallow some more tears.

Buffy couldn?t help but put an arm around the brunette?s waist and hold her tight. Faith put both her hands on Buffy?s arm that was holding her and held it, ?Eight months, Buffy.?

Buffy took a deep breath at Faith?s words.

?Eight months.? Faith repeated.

?I?m sorry.? Buffy held her tighter.

?Where did my life go??

Buffy rocked her slowly.

?Where did I go?? Faith almost choked.

Buffy took a small towel very fast and put it on Faith?s cut palm, and with a swift move; she was out of the bathroom, carrying Faith in the corridor.

She headed to her bedroom and laid Faith into her bed.

?You?re gonna take this now.? Buffy took a glass of water and three pills.

Buffy could see Faith was wondering what it was, but she wouldn?t argue. It could be poisoned pills that she would still take them.

?It?s going to make you sleep for a while, Faith. You need to rest.?

Faith took the pills and emptied the glass of water. She then lied down correctly on Buffy?s mattress.

Faith was staring at the ceiling.

The smaller girl stayed in the room, caressing Faith?s face, until the brunette fell asleep.

Buffy got up; she turned around and saw her mother looking at the two of them.

?I need to go get some of my stuff at the dorm. I?ll be staying at home for a little while.?

Joyce nodded.

?Can you watch over her??

Joyce nodded. Buffy looked very concerned.

?I mean, she should be sleeping while I?m gone anyway but-?

?Buffy? I?ll take care of her, don?t worry.?

Buffy smiled at her mother. Joyce could see how much Buffy cared for Faith.

Buffy pulled herself together, ?Alright, I won?t be long.?

She took a last glance at Faith and left the house.

Buffy was packing one of her bag when Willow walked into their room.

The smile on the redhead?s face disappeared as she saw the bag.

?What now? You?re gonna drop everything, leave everything and everyone behind to go cross country looking for her? Why can?t you let her go, Buffy?! She?s better gone!?

?She?s not gone.? Buffy said in a much calmer tone than Willow?s.

Buffy was still in deep thoughts about her feelings towards the brunette slayer.

?I see. So you found her then.?

Buffy nodded, ?You should have seen her, Willow. She?s so... lost.?

?Please, she?s played that game with Angel before. You should know better.?

?She wasn?t playing. I think she?s played her last card a long time ago. She?s really distraught right now. She needs to rest and be quiet.?

?Oh please don?t tell me you let that murderer with your mom??

Buffy didn?t reply.

?And I guess you?re packing to go ?comfort? her some more. Damn if I?d known that was a turn on I would have killed someone.?

Buffy stopped packing her bag, ?Please, Willow, now is not the time.?

Willow sighed.

?We need to be united with this. This is our business and we need to fix it ourselves.?

?Oh now it?s our business? Thought it was yours only. How easy for you to include us when you need us.?

?Willow, you know it?s not like that. I would have never found her with you. Now that I brought her back; we can talk about it all together. Cops are going to look for her and they?ll interrogate her. They already have our version for the night with Finch. Since they don?t really trust me much, it?d be best to say you and Faith were together when professor Wirth was killed.?

Willow gave a short sarcastic laugh out before looking Buffy straight in the eye, ?No.?

?Come on, Willow. It?s not the time to let personal issues get in the way. Cops can?t take care of a slayer.?

?If you think I?m going to cover that bitch you?re even crazier than she is, Buffy.?

Buffy sighed and moved closer, ?Willow,? She hesitated, ?I know things have been tense between us, and I?m sorry. I?m sorry that I haven?t been more understanding towards your feelings for me. But don?t let them blind you. We?re friends, Willow. I need your help.?

?How easy once again to call upon our friendship when you?ve barely talked to me this week.?

Buffy sighed.

?Besides, Buffy; you have a slightly high esteem of yourself; you?re not the center of the universe. Not the center of mine at least. Tara and I are together now. I?m over you. But my response is still no. If you want to cover a murderer then that your issue, but I want nothing to do with this.?

Buffy moved to her bed to close her bag.

Willow looked bitter, ?You prefer to hang out with a murderous slut who tried to slit my throat; that shows how much you really are my friend.?

Buffy stopped in front of Willow, ?And telling me this shows how over me you truly are, Willow.?

Buffy left. Willow swallowed but still looked angry.