FIC: "Madness Used To Be Mine" (11/12)

Buffy got Faith rid of the locks on her wrist on the way home. She carried the brunette to her room and started taking care of her ankle.

"It's fine B. I'll be up and running tomorrow, you know that."

"Doesn't mean it's not painful tonight. And that, I can help with."

Buffy put small bags of ice around it. Faith's ankle was double size.

Faith let Buffy do.

"You've changed." The brunette simply said after a while.

"I guess."

Buffy smiled at her and took a wet towel to clean Faith's face correctly. She ran her finger on Faith's bruise in the corner of her lips, "Bastards." She said very low. She kept running her finger on Faith's upper lip.

The brunette shivered but looked a tiny bit uncomfortable.

How much Buffy had changed wasn't very clear. It seemed to be a bit too much even. Faith didn't know what to think.

But Buffy removed her finger before it became too confusing in Faith?s mind.

"You should sleep now."

"I've been sleeping for eight months, B. Think I've had enough."

Buffy looked at the floor sadly then back at her, "Well, I can bring the TV that's in my mom's room?"

Faith nodded, "Ok."

She was glad Buffy didn't offer to talk. She didn?t feel like talking. She felt better now, less suicidal Buffy would say. But it only meant that more things were coming back to her and she didn?t know what to think of them or how to deal with them.

And Buffy? How to deal with Buffy? Mostly since Buffy wasn?t acting at all like Faith had expected it. So no, she didn?t want to talk to her right now.

Their actions and gazes had already said too much and they were both trying to catch up with these, as to know what they really felt, what they really wanted.

The slayers watched TV for a while.

Faith was under the covers and Buffy was above.

Faith had taken an aspirin and a pain killer too as Buffy had insisted.

The brunette started dozing off and on so Buffy turned off the TV at some point.

Faith opened her eyes, "Huh, you can keep it on, B. Doesn't bother me."

"I don't really want to watch it anymore."

Faith nodded, half awake.

Buffy looked hesitant, "Does it bother you if I sleep here with you?"

Faith opened her eyes more clearly. They stared at each other.

"It's your bed, Buffy."

Buffy got off the bed to take her pants and top off. She put a large t shirt on and removed bra, pulling it away by her sleeve.

She crept in bed. Faith was wearing pretty much the same thing, only a large t shirt. But she'd removed her panties.

Their naked legs touched and they both took a deeper inhale.

Faith moved away a little and they were settled.

Buffy turned the lights off. They both stared at the ceiling for a while.

"Willow called the cops, didn't she?"

Buffy nodded, a slight knot in her stomach at the thought.

"Does she know you took me back here today?"

"It doesn't matter. I made things clear. She let me do my business and she minds hers. Hopefully her girlfriend will get to her cause I don?t know what to do anymore and I?m seriously out of patience with her."

"Girlfriend?" Faith raised her eyebrow.

"Err, yeah. She's... changed too."

"I see."

Faith looked thoughtful.

She turned on her side, not facing Buffy.

The blonde girl looked hesitant but she didn't try to talk more.

She laid her head and tried to fall asleep which happened a couple of hours later.

The sun rose slowly.

Buffy felt fingertips on her cheek. She started moving in the bed and felt the fingers immediately moving away.

She opened her eyes. She could see the bothered look on Faith?s face as she knew Buffy had probably felt her hand.

Faith meant to move away but Buffy held her back by the waist.

Buffy then moved her hand up the brunette's body to rest it on her cheek. Faith took a deep breath.

Buffy pulled her face closer and they kissed. Slowly at first then the kiss deepened and Buffy's hand immediately started roaming on the brunette's body.

Faith moaned in Buffy's mouth when the smaller girl caressed her breasts.

Buffy moved forward until Faith was on her back. The blonde girl started kissing Faith's neck and was slowly moving on top of her but Faith opened her eyes. She looked uncertain. More uncertain as the seconds passed by and Buffy's hands became more adventurous.

"Stop, stop, Buffy. Stop!"

Faith pulled away.

Their breathing was heavier. Mostly Buffy's.

"It's ok."

"No, no it's not ok. What's going on?!" Faith sounded lost again, almost as lost as the first night Buffy brought her here.

The brunette got out of the bed and put her hands through her hair, "What happened here?"

"Faith, calm down, it's. I just wanted?"

Faith stared at her and Buffy trailed of, unable to explain anything.

"I've been asleep for 8 months but it seems like another lifetime really. Everything's different. I don?t understand any of this. It?s just crazy? who are you??

"No it's? things happened but it's? I'm still me and you can trust me."

"No, no I can't. Everything's? You didn't use to kiss girls before. Even less cheat on your boyfriend to kiss a girl."

"You're not any girl, Faith. And you know that things between us have always been ambiguous."

"What I know is that you would have killed me for him, Buffy, and now you're banging some random GI. And you don't even seem to care about him that much. How do you want me to trust you? You weren't like that. You're just? Everything's different.?

"Faith, it's-"

"And what about Willow?! Cause I ain?t stupid! Ok I threatened her with a knife once but she wasn't the type to call the cops at the risk to get you arrested at the same time. So, now she?s with a girl and you seem to know a bit too much about girl on girl yourself.?

Buffy lowered her gaze.

"Faith it?s? it's hard to tell you everything that has happened but does it really matter?"

"I'll tell you what happened; it's you."

Buffy frowned, not understanding.

"You drive people crazy, Buffy."

"Faith, you can't-"

"You drove Angel crazy and see what happened."

"This was different, he was cursed."

"You drove me crazy. And you drove Willow crazy I can tell that. And no matter how nice a boy you found yourself this time; he'll end up doing something crazy one day because that's how we get around you."

"That's nonsense."

Buffy moved closer to try and take Faith?s hands but the younger slayer slightly moved on the side, "I can't- I can't do that again, Buffy. I can't be that."

Buffy finally took her hands, "It will be different, Faith. I won't let you down. I-"

"I can't. I ?I." Faith walked out of the room and headed to the bathroom. She locked herself in.

"Faith? Faith listen to me."

"Buffy please I? I just want to be alone right now."

"But I-"

"I'll be fine, Buffy. I'll. Please, I need a moment alone to think."

"I don't know, Faith." Buffy sounded worried.

"I won't hurt myself, B. Don't worry. I just need a moment to myself."

"Ok then. I... I'll be downstairs. I'll just make us breakfast then ok?"

"Yeah." Faith said without enthusiasm.

"Ok. I'll be downstairs then. I. Are you su-" Buffy trailed off, "I'll be downstairs."

And she walked downstairs indeed.

Joyce was here. She saw the sad look on Buffy's face and told her to sit. She served her a cup of coffee and bacon as she'd already started cooking breakfast for herself.

Faith walked downstairs half an hour later.

Buffy's heart froze as the brunette was fully dressed, jacket on and with that look... That look that said she was going to leave.

"Faith." Buffy just said as she got up.

Joyce got up from her chair too, "I'll be in the living room."

The older woman discreetly left the kitchen.

"Please, don't go."

"I can't stay here, Buffy."

"I heard what you said earlier and yes, everything's different as in; I want to be with you. Was it what you wanted to hear? Is it what you want?"

"I want my life back, Buffy."

"I can help you, Faith."

"No."

"Yes. I know what you feel for me.?

?I?m not really sure about what I feel anymore, Buffy, so how could you??

Buffy moved forward a bit, ?Tell me you don't love me anymore."

"And what good did it do to me? Or to these guys I offed?"

"You can?t put all that on me, Faith."

"That's not what I'm doing. But I simply can't do that anymore. I can't take that risk. Too many things happened. I'm not sure I still want that."

"You mean? still want me."

Buffy moved forward as Faith didn?t reply. She pulled the brunette closer into a kiss that lasted for a long while.

Faith pulled away finally, "I need to go now."

"So? you really don't love me anymore." Buffy sounded very sad.

Faith swallowed, "I doubt I could never stop."

Buffy looked up at her, " But then-"

"That's why I know for sure that I have to go now."

Buffy swallowed.

"I need to be on my own. I've? I've lost myself, Buffy. In you, in my own madness. I got lost and I need to find myself again. It's something I need or I'll never get back on my feet. And I just can?t do that around you. I can't be around you anymore. You have to respect this, it's-"

"I do. I...I understand."

Faith looked on her side and began moving forward to the door.

"But maybe you can? stay around. I mean, God it's so hard."

Buffy looked at her, "It's too hard seeing you walk out of my life again, Faith. When I've just? finally found you. Truly found you."

Faith tried to stay focus, "I'm sorry but? you'll have to deal with this on your own. I don't even know the girl you think you've found. I can't have you in my life, Buffy. And you're probably better off without me in yours."

Faith turned around.

"Faith wait."

Faith sighed, not bothered but because it was as hard for her as it was for Buffy.

Buffy raised her hands, "No, not trying to keep you but? here, take this." Buffy searched through a pile of cards on the kitchen.

She handed her a little white card.

Faith frowned until she read.

She gave her a light smile, "Maybe I was wrong, things don't change that much. You had to still be in touch with him."

"Hardly actually. But he's settled there. He could help you. And you'll have a place to stay. You know you can't leave California for now. And cops will need an address for you to do the community service they're gonna assigned you; that's what mom told me."

"We'll see about that." Faith vaguely said.

"You'll be out of the police's radar after that. It's worth it. Try to go there... He will help you."

"Like I said? I'll see about that."

Buffy moved closer. She took Faith's hands in hers. Faith couldn't help rubbing the blonde girl's back of the hand.

Buffy moved forward as if to kiss her but Faith backed away, "Don't." She whispered while placing a finger on Buffy's lip, "It gets addictive? way too fast."

Buffy's heart rose in her chest but she reluctantly let go of the brunette slayer's hands and Faith turned around to leave.

Joyce was at the front door when Faith got out of the kitchen.

?Faith I? I understand that you have to go for the moment.?

Faith nodded.

?But if you ever need a place to stay, or even just someone to talk to, you can always come back here, the door will be open for you.?

?Thank you.?

Faith gave the older Summers a thankful smile then swallowed as she looked outside and finally left.

Joyce came back in the kitchen to stay with Buffy.

The slayer stayed silent but she could feel her mother's comforting presence as the older Summers poured her some more coffee.

Buffy then walked upstairs. She lied down on her bed and stared at the ceiling for a long while.

She kept thinking about these past few days as she could still feel the scent of Faith in the room.

Buffy ran her fingertips on her lips and closed her eyes. Just the memory of Faith's lips on hers and she shivered. Her heart rose in her chest.

Buffy sat up on her bed, she couldn't believe it.

She couldn't believe she was in love with the younger slayer, but she was.

Never had she thought she cared that much for her.

Buffy knew that after stabbing Faith, she?d pushed every thought of her so deep inside of her. Every thoughts or feelings for her were blocked deep inside of her.

Blocked so hard that it surprised Buffy when it resurfaced at the first thought of Faith being awake.

And from that moment she'd been unable to stop thinking about her, as if catching up for all those months she'd pretended Faith didn't exist.

And now it was all so obvious to Buffy.

But wasn't it too late? That was the question in Buffy's mind.

She decided she had to pull herself together because it wasn't in her power anymore to make it happen or not. And she had to be ready for the case it would not happen.

Buffy knew herself well; she knew it could bring her down hard if she let it. And she couldn't let it.

She got up and started cleaning her room. She did some housework too, helped by her mother who stayed close. Just to be here.

Buffy went to college the next day; she wanted to keep doing everything normally as soon as possible.

She couldn't stay in her room waiting for Faith to call. Buffy really doubted the brunette ever would anyway.