FIC: "Madness Used To Be Mine" (12/12)

I hope you've liked the fic.

Thanks to everyone who's feedbacked and read!! Thanks a lot!!

PART 12

Buffy was walking in front of Stevenson Hall when she heard Riley calling her name.

She stopped and waited for him.

As nice as her smile to him was, it still reflected her worried mind.

Riley smiled at her too but she could easily tell he had a lot on his mind just like she did.

She knew she had to talk to him, she'd meant to anyway.

"Hey," She quietly told him.

"How are you doing?" He gently asked her as they started walking side by side.

He sounded very concerned.

"I'm fine. Riley, I really thank you for what you did."

"I'm just glad that you're ok and we manage to work things out without violence with these men."

"Yes, the council is?"

"You'll have to tell me about them. They really wanted her dead and they were ready to shoot you, Buffy."

"It's complicated, you know."

"Yes, I've noticed that." He said looking ahead of him.

Buffy took a deep breath, yes it was complicated, everything Faith-related was complicated and she could tell by Riley's answer that he knew that already.

"Riley, I need to talk to you."

"I know. I mean, I was expecting you to."

They stopped walking and stared at each other.

"I-" Buffy was looking for words.

"Listen, Buffy, I care about you. I can even say I love you."

Buffy looked bothered.

"And I think I know what you have to tell me. But I want to be honest with you. I know I do so I tell you what I feel. Now, I know we don't know each other that much in fact. There's a lot about you that I don't know about, but I'm really eager to learn."

"Riley I-. I really care about you too. And this is why I have to be honest with you."

"It's about the other slayer, right? You two are more than friends." He didn't sound mean or hard, he just stated what he'd felt.

Buffy swallowed a little.

"I must say I wondered about that when I looked at you two yesterday."

"Riley, I didn't lie to you or fake anything. And I?.I didn't know. It's really complicated."

"I guess so. So you want to stay with her?"

Buffy lowered her gaze a little, "She's gone? And I don't know if she's ever coming back."

"I see. Are you going to be ok?"

She smiled at his concern. He was a great man, she?d always known that.

"I don't have a choice."

He looked on the side then back at her, "So, what are you going to do now?"

She gave him a warm smile, "I really like you, Riley. It's so pleasant being with you but? I think we need some time apart. Right now I don't know where she is, if she's gonna call, if she's gonna come back which I doubt? And I can't help worrying about this, about her. I?. I don't want to be with you and think about her, you know. I mean, I wouldn't be faking or-"

"Shh-" He smiled at her despite his sadness, "I understand, Buffy. I wouldn't want you like that, I mean, wanting someone else. So I'm just gonna tell you that I'm here, if you ever decide to give us a real chance, if you're ready for us, then I'll be here. Take your time and be sure. I'll still be here."

He gave her a gentle caress on the cheek and pulled her closer to plant a soft kiss on her lips.

Riley then walked away.

Buffy took a deeper breath.

That was the boy she wanted to be with? when she'd be sure Faith was out of her life, and out of her mind as much as she could be.

For now, it was too soon.

3 weeks went by. Buffy took her classes normally, the only thing different was that she was staying at home instead of her dorm with Willow. She preferred to avoid the witch for now. She had enough on her mind already. But she started getting steady in her life again. Classes, home with her mom and patrols to take her mind off of thinking too much. It kept her busy until she was tired enough to go to bed and sleep.

The answering machine was still the first stop every evening after coming home from college though. But still, no news.

Buffy had called Angel, telling him 'a little' what happened, in case Faith would show up there. This was all she could do.

Tonight Buffy came home and walked up the stairs directly. She put her bag on the floor and stared at the walls.

She decided to walk back downstairs and to her surprise, there was a message. It was probably Xander or Giles or anyone but the one she expected.

She tried to tell herself that, but still, she couldn't help the knot in her stomach as she pushed the button.

##Good evening, Buffy, and Joyce I guess.##

Buffy moved closer to the answering machine at the sound of Angel's voice. She was a bit surprised but still hopeful for news of Faith.

##I called the dorm, Buffy but Willow told me you've been staying here lately. So I called. Just know that Faith is here. She's alright. She's been here for three days but I wanted to wait and see how she would react, but now I think? I think she's going to stay here finally. For a while at least. She needs a place rather neutral and quiet but at the same time; she knows it's not a good idea to stay on her own. And that way she can get things straight with the police. I took care of that too. She should be fine. Well, I guess you're still in college at that hour. I hope things are going fine over there, Willow didn?t really sound as usual, rather sad so I hope there?s nothing wrong. Anyway, I should hang up now. I just wanted you to know about Faith. She started talking... a little. Try not to contact her for a while. Like I said, she needs a little time to herself in a neutral place and she's got it now. Don't worry, Buffy; I'll make sure she's ok. Take care of yourself, Buffy.##

Buffy took a deep breath at the dial tone.

She was in deep thoughts again but she smiled. Faith was alright and Buffy admitted the brunette was probably in the best place she could be right now. Maybe she was right; they couldn't be together right now, too much blood between them.

Maybe one day they would but Buffy knew she wasn't going to count on that.

Just like Faith, she would move on with her life on her own.

For now she still hoped their path would meet again but she also had the hope that soon she would not be hoping for that anymore.

Her life would feel much better then.

But time would tell.

Buffy stayed the night at home but decided then to go back on the campus.

The next evening, Willow opened her door after coming back from her last class.

The redhead was surprised to see Buffy sitting on her bed, against the headboard, working on some homework.

Willow swallowed but closed the door.

"Hey."

"Hi."

Buffy just said, she focused on her book again.

Willow looked around, Buffy's cupboard was open, her clothes were still in and Buffy looked like she was studying. She wasn't here to take her stuff for good apparently. That thought rejoiced Willow but now she felt awkward and mostly very sad.

Sad that she was scared to talk to her best friend.

Sad that Buffy wasn't talking to her, sad about what she'd lost.

Willow took a deep breath and pulled herself together; she walked to her best friend's bed and sat beside her.

Buffy looked up at her but back at her book.

Willow could tell the slayer was even anxious to know what Willow was going to tell her. Buffy doubted she could handle another argument or worse; declaration of love

?I'm sorry."

Buffy looked up at her but stayed silent.

"I'm sorry about everything that happened between us, Buffy. And the things I did."

"Willow I. I don't really want to-"

"I know. I understand you don't want to talk to me anymore but I?ve been meaning to tell you this for a while but I knew you didn?t want to see me and I can?t blame you for that but... you?re here now so I gotta tell you before you change rooms or something."

"I would have done it already if I?d planned on, Will."

Buffy had actually thought about it but then she?d stayed at home and her rage towards Willow really lessened then, she?d been way more focused into her feelings for Faith and learning how to live without going for them.

And her thoughts of Willow were very very changing. She knew it hurt her to know that the witch was in pain too but she wasn't going to live what they'd lived these past few weeks.

"Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I'm really sorry. You were right about many things. I just couldn't conceive that you could feel something like that for another girl and her not being me."

Buffy looked on the side.

"I know I've assumed pretty fast what was going on between you and her but I think we both know it was always here and that's why I?. And I didn't accept that. And I'm sorry."

Buffy looked aside when she saw a tear falling on Willow's cheek.

"I'm even more sorry because I realize now that everything was fine the way it was. I've always had feelings for you I know that, but this was never what I let it become. It was your friendship that was so important to me but yet, I had to smash that and want more. But I had it all. I had? Tara? And I know she was all I could ever need and now? I've lost you both. You and me, it?s never been what I really wanted, or needed at least. Never been.... She was, Tara was all... But it?s like I wanted everything and now... I don't have anything at all and it's my fault. I?ve hurt her and I've lost everything."

Buffy could feel her heart clench at her friend's tears. She wanted to take her in her arms but she admitted she was still afraid of Willow's reactions.

Buffy was very upset to see her like that.

Willow pulled herself together, "I just wanted you to know that. I hope you'll forgive me one day."

Willow got up.

"Will it's."

Willow turned around, she sniffed hard.

"It's gonna be alright." Buffy simply told her quietly, not smiling but soothingly somehow.

Willow still looked very sad.

"Tara probably needs a little time apart. I guess we all do. But things will be fine."

Buffy gave Willow an hopeful smile and Willow smiled back lightly before heading to the bathroom to try and clean her face.

?Everything will be fine." Buffy repeated very low once she was alone in the room.

10 months later.

Buffy was running as fast as she could.

The words Xander had told her few minutes ago kept echoing in her mind. She briefly wished Willow and Tara could teleport; that would have been useful to her right now.

But suddenly she started hearing the noise of a helicopter, she wasn?t too late.

She kept running and there he was; Riley was standing in front of the helicopter, waiting, waiting for her.

She was here now, on the other side of the helicopter, watching him, she just had to call his name but suddenly she felt very silent.

Xander's words resounded again, ##If he's not the guy, if what he needs from you just isn't there, let him go.##

Buffy realised the words wouldn't come to get Riley to stay.

She saw the young man turning around and heading to the helicopter with a defeated look on his face.

Buffy opened her mouth but her boyfriend's name still wouldn?t come out.

She saw the helicopter taking off. She felt a knot in her stomach but she still didn't move to show herself.

She stayed still until the silent of the night regained its right all around her. The helicopter was far away now.

"Why didn't ya call him, B?"

Buffy turned around all of a sudden, her heart making a huge jump into her chest at the simple sound of Faith's voice.

She was standing not very far and they were face to face.

Faith looked at her from top to bottom in that predatory way that used to be hers when they first met.

Buffy swallowed, looking at her too, acknowledging she was here.

"So?" Faith asked again.

Buffy took a deep breath, "He deserves more than I can give him."

"How can you know that for sure?"

"I know that I love him, but not enough. And I can't love him more."

"Why?"

"He's just... not the one."

They stared at each other and Faith moved closer.

Buffy was very thoughtful, "Are you... When did you come back?"

"Just now. I was out there looking for you and I saw him. I remembered him. I waited, just like him. From here, and there you came."

"Why didn't you say anything then?"

"Because I needed to see what would happen."

Buffy swallowed, "What if I'd called him?"

"Then I would have known you'd moved on, and you were happy with him."

"You would have left." Buffy swallowed at the thought but then smiled bitterly, ?And I guess you would have been right to. If you knew the things he?s done to himself. You were right, Faith; I drive people crazy. It?s really me.?

Faith was in front of her in a second, "No it?s not. It?s them. It?s us. It?s that they can?t handle us and no they can?t be enough, nothing can ever be enough but us, Buffy. We?re what we need. That?s why it can never go right if it?s not like that. I know that now."

Faith put her arms around Buffy's waist. Buffy took a deep breath and the blonde girl automatically put her hands on Faith's arms.

They stared at each other intensely. Silently for a short while.

"I gotta warn you, B. I'm not playing anymore; I won't do with half of you. I gotta have you completely. Cause I'm not giving half of myself. This is all that I am and it belongs to you I know that, but I gotta have you completely in return or I don't want nothing cause I-"

Buffy put her finger on Faith's lips, "Everything's yours. Always been yours to take. Take everything, please, take everything. You?re the only one that can get everything and I want to love you so much, I want to love so much. Take it please."

Faith moved her face closer and they kissed passionately for a long while, holding each other tightly.

They pulled away and smiled at each other,

"This is going to be the ride of your life, B."

Buffy held her tighter.

"Promise?" Buffy teased.

?If you can get past my crazy ways, B.? Faith spoke against Buffy?s lips.

?It?s a good thing that I?m crazy too then... crazy about you.?

Faith gently grabbed Buffy?s upper lips between hers before pulling just an inch away, ?Let?s get crazy then.?

She whispered before kissing Buffy again.

THE END