FIC Never Free I

["xenarip13" <xenarip13@xxxxxxxxx>]

Title:  Never Free

Please see prologue for summary and disclaimers.

<<   >>  = the past.


Part I
Never Free  Promises Broken


The former chosen one rides along like old baggage in a cold freight 
car.  The train it is attached to heading through Indiana.  A few 
more hours and she will be facing her family for the first time in 
thirteen months.  They probably won't recognize her at first.  She is 
expecting this and worse.  Her head leaning back on and old crate, 
she thinks and remembers breaking her promise.

<<  "What do we do now, Buffy?"  she hears them ask as they stand 
looking over the crater of what used to be Sunnydale.

She remembers the sad smile gracing her face, but they didn't think 
it was sad.  They thought she was happy and she should have been.  To 
them, it appeared the First was defeated, the hellmouth closed, and 
she wasn't the chosen one anymore.  No, now there were supposed to be 
others to help carry that burden.  She should be screaming with joy, 
but she couldn't.  She knew the truth.  She still felt the emptiness.

She slowly turns to face her family.  A family with many recent 
additions and several losses.  She looks at each of them including 
Faith as she exits the bus.  Giles, Xander with one eye and no Anya, 
a battered Faith, a bruised Dawn smiling at her, no Spike, no Tara, 
but an exhausted, beautiful red-headed Willow.  She wanted to smile 
at her for so many reasons, but holding her up on her feet was 
Kennedy.  It should have been&well not Kennedy.

"Buffy?"  Giles calls quietly.

"Yeah&what next?"  Buffy looks at Willow again and then 
begins, "Triage, fix what we can, but we need a hospital and a 
motel.  We need to recuperate and then make plans, but first we heal 
and rest."  She sees understanding in their faces.  They know it is 
never really over.  It only gets better.  It is never done.  Perhaps 
now, it will just be easier.

"Back on the bus,"  Faith adds.

They all turn to the bus except Buffy.  She turns back toward the 
crater.  Silently, a tear trails down her cheek.  It should have been 
for Spike, but it wasn't.  It was for the truth.  It was for herself.

"Buffy," Willow whispers softly from behind her, "Are you alright?"

Buffy rubs her eyes as if tired to be rid of the tear.  She turns 
expecting Kennedy as well, but it is just Willow there with her.  She 
could tell the truth to her friend, but she couldn't hurt her like 
that.

"5 by 5 as Faith says," she forces a smile.

"And you would be hiding behind it just like she does."  Willow 
scolds.

"I'm fine, Willow.  I'm sore, wounded, exhausted doesn't cover it, 
but I'll live&thanks to you again."

"It's what I do." She smiles at the blonde, "The wound.  It should 
have killed you.  I-I felt it."

"It must be the scythe.  It is healing already.  I feel it.  I'll be 
fine.  You?"

"Yes, lots of sleep in my future, but yes."

Willow moves into Buffy wrapping her in an embrace.  Slowly, Buffy 
returns the hug.  She feels Willow relax, but she doesn't want to let 
go yet.  Willow doesn't resist as Buffy practically clings to her.  
Finally, Buffy still not ready to relinquish her hold on the witch 
scoops her up into her arms.  She begins walking toward the bus with 
her bundle.

"Buffy?!" Willow squeals.

"The least I could do after what you've done for me&for all of us."

"I can walk.  Your wound."  She states with deep concern.

"Please Willow&please just&please."

Willow hears the desperation in her friend's voice.  She doesn't 
understand, but she looks at Buffy and simply nods her head.  She 
relaxes into the blonde slayer's arms resting her head on her 
shoulder.  She is always left amazed at this small woman's strength.

Buffy stands her on her own feet on the bus, but still helps her to 
sit next to Kennedy.  Kennedy has eyes only for Willow until Buffy 
touches her shoulder from the seat behind them.

"Take care of her.  She's special."

"Of course I will."  Kennedy smiles.  >>

"You lied, Kennedy."  The weary slayer says to herself as the train 
rolls along, "But who am I to judge.  I lied and broke my promise."  
She sees her sin in the past.

<<  "Buffy, we're going for dinner.  Are you coming?"  Dawn asks the 
figure of her sister sitting facing the wall.

"No, Dawn.  You guys go ahead.  I'll go later."

"Buffy, You've&you don't come out of your room.  You don't talk to me 
anymore&not to any of us really.  Unless its business.  Please come 
with us,"  Buffy hears the strain in her sisters voice.

She stands and walks over to Dawn.  She hugs her tight to her, "I'm 
sorry, Dawn.  I&It's new and I'm so tired of&just tired.  Give me 
tonight and starting tomorrow it will be better for you all.  Okay?"

"Okay." Dawn squeezes Buffy to her, "I love you, Buffy."

"I love you, too.  Don't ever forget that."

"See you tomorrow.  Be sure to eat."

"See you." Buffy closes the door.

Buffy sets all the letters she wrote on her bed. She then picks up 
the tablet with the unfinished letter to Willow.

`Willow, 

My Big Gun:

You're going to hate me and I will deserve it.  So, don't feel guilty 
about it just hate me.  I hate myself for more than what I am about 
to do, but I'll add it to the growing list.

I must&no.  I am breaking my promise to you that I made all those 
years ago.  I'm leaving.  For me, it is the best and eventually for 
all of you it will be, too.  I am sorry.  I hope you believe that.  I 
won't blame you if you don't.  I'm sorry mainly because you have 
never left me, never given up on me, but I'm leaving you again and 
giving up on myself.

I'm not right.  Something is different inside me and it won't ever be 
normal.  I'm afraid if I stay that you will fall victim to it as 
others have.  It would be selfish and untrue if I said I am leaving 
just to save you.  I'm also leaving to save me.  If there is any 
salvation out there for me, which I seriously doubt, I hope to find 
it.

I know you will have a good life with Kennedy.  I ask that you watch 
over Dawn.  She is going to hate me and need you.  I know you will be 
there for her.  Thank you.

All of you will do great setting up a new council, training the 
slayers and saving the innocents.  Faith is more than capable.  I 
hope you will support her as you always have me.

I have to go now.  So much I wish I could say to you, but not this 
time.  Please try to remember Buffy not what I am becoming.  I will 
always remember you, Willow.  Always no matter what.

I love you from the depths of my battered soul.

							Buffy'


Buffy folds the letter, places it in its envelope and leaves it with 
the others.  She takes one last look at the white farewells and 
closes the door on her life. >>


"I never wanted to hurt you, but I did." The new Buffy sighs as the 
train pulls into Columbus, Ohio.

The slayer jumps from the car.  She has one small bag.  She slings it 
over her shoulder.

"I wouldn't hurt you now.  I was never coming back, but I can't let 
you die."  Buffy checks the address her ghostly haunt spouted. "It's 
only fair that I should give you the right to hurt me before I solve 
our problems permanently."

As Buffy heads toward her family, Spike materializes behind 
her, "We're hoping she changes your mind slayer."


TBC.




Willow: "It's a good fight, Buffy, and I want in."
Buffy:  "I kinda love you."
                     'Choices'

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