End of the Month State of the Gutter Report - June 2001

["Shadow" <Shadowlander1@xxxxxxx>]

TO: All Department Heads; The United Vegetable Empire; and all other
interested parties.
FROM: The Director of Public Safety.
SUBJECT: End of the Month State of the Gutter Report - June 2001

Once again I've called you all here to identify the murderer of Sir... er...
wait wrong report. :: looks through the folders on desk mumbling something
about Koalas with too much free time on their hands :: Ah, here we go...
the End of the Month Report for June 2001 - and what an interesting little
month we've had. Let's review shall we?

Item 1:
To the United Vegetable Empire... Tater, what exactly are the Suicidal
Teenage Radioactive Ninja Broccoli and why do they keep throwing themselves
into pots of boiling water yelling "Death to the Bush"?? Furthermore, how
did the aforementioned STRNB get a hold of weapons and why are they - even
as I type - bashing themselves against the bay window of the Slayer's love
nest?? Now I know we've had this talk before, the veggies are your
department, but all the bashing against bullet proof glass - the Slayer
doesn't like to be disturbed while she's in her love nest with her little
Redhead - and yelling is getting a bit distracting. And the Broccoli have
been sighted near the Amazon Village as well... need I remind you about that
little incident with the Warrior Princess and the cauliflower... we both
agreed that all future dealing with the ex-warlord NOT be held at sword
point.

Item 2:
Regarding the luring of office equipment to the Darkside by the shade
wearing Koala and his new apprentice the Cute Office Assistant, Rose.
Bill... we've had this talk too, just because you happen to be married to
the cute office assistant does not give you the right to encourage her to
mess with the Koala's head. You know Samuel has been on pain medication for
a sprained back... and messing with his head is just mean of you. I don't
care if the copier and printer are plotting against the fax machine... I
can't have the Koala waving around a sword in the Gutter Offices! Its bad
enough he has the lightsabre but to encourage him to put on his samurai suit
and interrogate the Xerox guy is too much... even for us. Samuel is quite
capable of thinking up these stunts on his own and does not need your help
in that department... and I don't care how sexy the cute office assistant
looks in the slave girl outfit... you do have a home for that sort of thing.

Item 3:
Regarding the corruption of the new guy in the mailroom... the answer is NO!
The boy comes from a sheltered home life and is unused to have his
workstation used for naughtiness by the Silent Gopher and Cute Office
Assistant - especially while he is trying to work there. And no the Gopher,
Koala and Were-Badger CANNOT take him to Tijuana and make a man out of him.
I do not want a repeat of the Holland incident... Interpol was not amused
and either was that boy's 92 year old grandmother; "Her little Edbert was
pure as the driven snow before you three got a hold of him." And she still
wants you guys to pay to get Edbert's tattoo removed.

Item 4:
The Gutter Accountant - guys give me a break here... the woman is like 500
years old, wears her head in this tight bun-shaped hair torture look and
dresses in a black dress that has NEVER been in fashion... she was once
mistaken for the Slayer's battle axe! I don't like dealing with her... her
voice has been compared to a buzz saw trying to cut sheet metal for crying
out loud. You guys have to straighten up on the spending... granted most of
it is charged on Rod's credit cards... but some of it is charged directly to
the Gutter. I have to explain these charges to the woman - that is SO not
fun guys. On that note... which one of you jokers wants to explain the
"Love Furry Animals Today" T-shirts? I got a bill for 1200 of them? I'm
not going to ask about the manacles I got Anne-Lise memo on the subject
already... and I would suggest she restock the whip collection too...
Vamp-Willow has been grumbling something about bad Puppies and Kittens
trying to escape the wardrobe.

Item 5:
The misfiring of the water balloon catapults... according to the beautiful
winged Dark Gremlin that was an accident. The catapult in question
mysteriously misfired twelve times at the Chosen Two and their Wicca escorts
resulting in an impromptu "wet T-shirt" contest. The aforementioned
catapult has a history of a hair trigger firing pin... the fact that the
catapult was reloaded eleven more times after the first misfire is still
under investigation. However the Dark Gremlin has assured me that it was a
misfiring and the Shade Wearing Koala and Trouble-making Were-Badger with
camcorders just HAPPENED to be in the area and were only doing their civic
duty by recording the whole misfiring incident so it would not happen again.
And amazingly the Dark Gremlin, Shade Wearing Koala and the Trouble-making
Were-Badger were able to give their statements with a straight face and
reframed from laughing until they actually stepped outside my office. I
think all three for their consideration on that last point.

Item 6:
In unrelated incidents involving the water balloon catapult operators... 1}
a Sunnydale postman was water ballooned twice by the water balloon squad,
according to the beautiful winged Dark Gremlin; "He looked hot and I didn't
want him to pass out." Were her exact words on the subject. 2} the water
ballooning of the dreaded gremlin hunters was not an accident... there has
been a long bitter feud between gremlins and the gremlin hunters that looks
to be unending. 3} on the subject of why the Dark Gremlin's second in
command wears a Viking's helmet while on duty is still unknown... and quite
frankly we're afraid to ask him. In regards to the Viking helmet... the
Koala is going to have to buy his own and NO he can't stage Viking raids at
the local Girls School... he'll just have to make due attending the monthly
"fire drills" at the school supervised by the Phantom Chipmunk like the rest
of us.

Item 7:
On sightings of wolves in the Woods Outback... we've always had them don't
panic. They are harmless for the most part, although they have been known
to gnaw on stray commandoes that have wandered into their territory
resulting in quite a few of them being treated for food poisoning at the
local vet. The wolf pack has taken the precaution of drinking lots of
Pepto-Bismol before and after they bite down on the little buggers and
making sure their rabid shots are up to date... you can never tell where one
of those commando twits have been and/or what they have been letting suck on
them.

Item 8:
The little redhead has approved of "An Official Stake Sharpener" to be
appointed for the Chosen Two so she can have more cuddle time with them.
That position HAS already BEEN FILLED... so you guys can quit sending me
bribes already... if the new stake sharpener wants to make her name public
she can it's up to her.

Item 9:
Buffy paused in front of magic shop, taking the time to collect herself
before entering and facing the music as it were. Squaring her shoulders,
she nodded once and opened the door ready to face her destiny. "Er... hi
guys," she said in greeting noting that they were all there waiting for her,
"glad you could all make it." She gave a little smile as she walked toward
the assembled group.

"B... Buffy I believe you have some explaining to do," Giles said giving his
Slayer a hard look before turning his attention to the vampire tied up in
the corner with a very unamused Angel as guard.

"Oh that," she said, "it seems that she didn't go back to her world after
all." She explained shifting uncomfortably, "how did Puppy get out by the
way?" she asked the vampire tied to the chair with an arched eyebrow.

"He picked the lock," Vamp-Willow said, "He and kitten have been naughty
little pets and don't deserve the wardrobe any more." She added with a
pout, "we're locking them in the attic from now on."


That is about it... for this month at least... we now return you to your
regularly scheduled fanfics. :-D


Shadow --
Dir. of Pub. Safety of the SECoLGA and Chief Dungeon Keeper. Vampire Teddy
Bear and Flying Fox {Fruit Bat} of the Woods Outback. The Big Bad and
Little Comma. Mistress of Mischief, corruptor of the innocent, tormentor of
Quindolyn. Founding Member of the Get Willow and Buffy Naked Society.
{GWBN -- Hey, its a way of life.} Dark Mistress of Weirdness. Yang to
Alex's Yin. Charter Member of the Hand of Chaos, member of the Order of the
Silver Claw of the Highland Werewolves of Gaia. :[

AIM Screen Name: ShadowDrake
Yahoo Name: drakesshadow
MSN Messenger: Tankesly@xxxxxxxxxxx {Shadow}
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