End of the Month State of the Gutter and Woods Outback Report for April 2002

["Shadow" <Shadowlander1@xxxxxxx>]

TO: All Department Heads; United Vegetable Empire; and all other interested
parties.
FROM: The Director of Public Safety
SUBJECT: End of the Month State of the Gutter and Woods Outback Report for
April 2002

Greetings all, I know that I am late with this month's report however
unforeseen circumstances, meaning that the Gutter and Woods Outback Report
was stolen by as yet unidentified persons, there was no other choice but to
post late. However, even with the original stolen and the disc it was kept
on 'misplaced' - sends a hard glare toward a snickering winged gremlin and
fox - I have been able to reconstruct most of what happened last month,
barring the continued reports of a rampaging Koala in a neon green and
orange wetsuit roaming the Autobahn in a 'liberated' Porsche.

Item 1:
The dark slayer has reported a large humanoid Koala dressed in black and
holding a lightsabre appearing before her and saying: "Faith... I am your
Koala." The dark slayer wants to know exactly what the hell that is suppose
to mean before turning the aforementioned koala into a throw rug.

Item 2:
Regarding the report of a naked Koala crashing the "Demon Mothers Quilting
Circle" in search of a spiked jungle juice still. It seems I must clarify
several points in this report since several Gutter and Woods Outback
dwellers seem confused as hell about it. First off, yes there is a Demon
Mothers Quilting Circle, they meet every Thursday and Friday and... well
knit things. Not every demon in town is interested in opening the bloody
Hellmouth you know, some of them like things just the way they are and tend
to avoid having ticked off Slayers crashing through their doors at all
hours. Also the Koala was not naked, he was wearing a lampshade and what
appeared to be a Highland Tartan... of the Stewart Clan we believe. {It is
still being investigated on just were he got the Tartan although it is
generally being excepted that it is his or at least he stole it long before
he ever moved into the Woods Outback.} And lastly the Demon Mothers were
making a hand made quilt to be auction off on ebay all proceeds going to the
"Buy Harmony a Clue Fund" that while it is still widely believed that even
if she did have a clue she wouldn't know what to do with it, there is many
in the Gutter and Woods Outback that refuse to give up this worthy cause.

Item 3:
Regarding the continued protests of irate Gutter and Woods Outback dwellers
ticked off over the lack of Slayer/Hacker - any-Slayer that is since we do
have a few diehard Faith/Willow shippers lurking about - snuggle time. At
the moment is seems that the Joss - God of the Buffy-verse - has still lost
his mind and has yet to find it again, or he has in fact been brain-swapped
with a sea-sponge. As it is the protesters are still irate and refuse to
back down until they get an onscreen snuggle between the hacker and the
Slayer of her choice.

Item 4:
Regarding the report of one Xander Harris', of Sunnydale Proper, bathtub
being filled with pink Jell-O. The question we must ask ourselves as a
community and a people is... do we really want to know why Xander has a
bathtub filled with pink Jell-O?

Item 5:
Regarding the swimming pool being filled with green Jell-O.... what the hell
happened to the blue Jell-O that was in it this morning?? :: Arches an
eyebrow at the unnamed Gremlin and Fox trying to act innocent while pointing
a finger at the dozing Koala perched on an empty jungle juice keg wearing
Oakley sunglasses ::

Item 6:
Regarding the were-badger and his two ladies seem roaming the local Harley
and leather shops. There is no need to panic that is only Alex and his lady
loves out for a night of shopping and Riley-shipper tormenting. The three
call it family bonding time, although why the frisky dark slayer sometimes
disappears for hours with a certain redheaded hacker is still unknown.
However the redheaded hacker in question does turn up again several hours
later with that silly little grin what we all know and love to see.

That is all - well until we can conform the 'other' reports of rampaging
Koalas and fellow forest dwellers who seem determined to cause as much
mischief and mayhem as possible while blaming it all on the aforementioned
koala. Regardless of what you guys and Samuel over there, who is still
sleeping on that empty jungle juice keg, the Koala can't be the master mind
of ALL the mayhem around here. Its just not Koala-ly possible even for the
master dark Jedi with an official Darth Vader alter and lightsabre.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled fanfics.

Shadow -

Dir. of Pub. Safety of the SECoLGA and Chief Dungeon Keeper. Vampire Teddy
Bear and Flying Fox of the Woods Outback. The Big Bad and Little Comma.
Mistress of Mischief, corruptor of the innocent, tormentor of Quindolyn.
Founding Member of GWBNS - Hey, its a way of life! Dark MIstress of
Weirdness. Yang to Alex's Yin. Charter Member of the Hand of Chaos, member
of the Order of the Silver Claw of the Highland Werewolves of Gaia. Member
of the Questionably Sane Biker Were-Folk Assn. {QSBWFA}

"I do not brood... I reflect." - Unnamed Vampire Teddy Bear 03/2002

AIM screen name: WolfFalke
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