FIC: The Longest Night A Buffy/Willow Holiday Fic

[jeepy91@xxxxxxx]

Hi gang :) Ok, well this is the first part of what I'm pretty sure will bea 
5 parter fic. I've already got the first three parts written, but this is 
the only one I've had a chance to type up. Hopefully I'll get all 5 parts 
done and posted by the time Christmas rolls around next week.

Anyway, please let me know what you think. I generally write fics all in one 
shot, this is my first attempt at a more drawn out one :)

And it is a Christmas fic, I've spinned 'A Christmas Carol' a bit and told it 
from Buffy;s POV. Anyway............


~~~~~~~~~~
Author: Casandra
Email: rozwellrulz@xxxxxxx
Disclaimer: I of course own nothing here. It all belongs to that evil naughty 
mastermind Joss and company. Also the basic theme idea credit should go to 
Charles Dickens for writing ‘A Christmas Carol’ 
Rating: PG-13 for a tiny brief mention of sex
Warning: If the idea of two consenting adult woman in a romantic relationship 
doesn’t sit well with you, well then you better avert your eyes from this fic.
Pairing: Buffy/Willow. Well at least eventually, it might take me a little 
while to get there.
Spoilers: Anything is kinda open fare here, but a part particularly pertains 
to ‘Lie To Me’. Also stuff that happened in ‘The Gift’ is kinda prevalent 
in parts of the fic.
Distribution: Sure be my guest and take it. But please drop me a note and 
let me know where I can find it.
Feedback: What can I say, I really enjoy it when someone responds to my 
writing. Doesn’t matter if it’s praise or criticism, anything is 
appreciated.
Summary: Well I’m attempting to spin ‘A Christmas Carol’ into a Buffy/Willow 
fic. Buffy is haunted by the ghosts of Christmas’ past, present and future. 
Told basically from Buffy’s POV
Author’s Note: Well I wanted to try and write a holiday fic and brighten up 
my spirits since Buffy has been so dark this season. And I’m having a bit of 
trouble writing post mortem Buffy, so please bear with me. Anyway, I’m not 
even explaining myself very well so I might as well just get on with the fic

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I used to love Christmas as a kid, running down the stairs on Christmas 
morning and tearing through all the presents under the tree. Life is easy 
when you’re a child, everything is seen through eyes still untouched by the 
harshness of the real world. A child has an innocence about them that is 
lost to the jaded adult world. I crave for that innocence now, I’ve wished 
so many times in the last 6 years to just be a kid again. To see everything 
through that un-jaded un-cynical way that only a child can. But I can’t, I 
lost my innocence at a much younger age than most people. And I can’t help 
but be resentful of that. And I also can’t help but feel a bit guilty for 
ripping that away from my friends. Because the minute they stepped into my 
world, my dark despairing world, I knew it was only a matter of time before 
that innocence was lost. But one thing, one person has always made me 
question my theory that all adults are jaded and cynical.

Willow. She has always amazed me. 6 years ago she chose to walk the dark 
path with me, just like Xander. She always remained the same cheery, happy 
go lucky, every cloud has a silver lining, girl that I met at the water 
fountain that first day at Sunnydale High. In all the years I’ve known her 
she’s always been the soul of the Scoobies, she’s always helped us to see 
the positive in everything. Maybe that’s why I clung so tightly toour 
friendship all these years. She’s the light to my dark. And I know without 
a doubt that if she had not been by my side through all the battles I’ve 
faced that the darkness would have consumed me long ago.  

Dracula said that my Slayer powers were rooted in darkness, and even thoughI 
denied it out loud, internally I knew that he was right. Because I can feel 
the power in me all the time. I can feel the conflict of light and dark 
screaming through my blood. And it scared me to know that I could go either 
way in the war I had been fighting. Willow has kept me grounded though, she 
made the choice so easy for me. All I had to do was look at her smile, the 
twinkle in her gorgeous emerald eyes and I wouldn’t even question myself 
anymore. I thanked God all the time for Willow being the person she is, 
despite having a vampire slayer for a best friend. Knowing me didn’t rip 
away her innocence like I was so sure it would, like it subtly did to Xander.

But I knew it would only be a matter of time before something so terrible 
happened that Will would have that sweet, gentle childlike quality that I 
loved about her, stolen away. I was scared to see that day, scared for her, 
but even more scared for myself. Because I was so afraid I’d lose my best 
friend. Finally that day did come, and I was right, I did lose her, I can 
feel that now. She had that innocence stripped away and I’m the one 
responsible.

Since I’ve been back in the land of the living the gang has come tome one by 
one and told me about what happened after I leapt off that tower. Dawn was 
the first to approach me about it. Leave it to my kid sister to be the first 
one to talk to me about my death. She always was quite the blunt little 
thing. I was a little bit surprised though that thing she talked most about 
was Willow. In fact all of them, one by one, came to me about Willow and 
what happened after my little header into the great beyond.  

Dawn told me how Willow had rushed over to my body a few moments after it 
fell and tried to perform CPR on me. How Giles and Tara tried to pull her 
away from me, insisting there was nothing she could do, I was gone. Dawn 
told me that Willow practically growled at Tara when she tried to comfort the 
distraught redhead. Apparently Willow sat there for almost an hour pumping 
my chest and trying to make my empty lungs breathe. Finally she ended up 
passing out from exhaustion and Spike carried her home. When Dawn had 
related what happened in the hours after I died I had been filled with a 
tremendous feeling of guilt. Because in that moment I knew I had been the 
one that had stripped Willow’s innocence away. I took her best friend away 
from her, she had to watch me die. I try not to believe that it’s my ego 
talking when I think like that, because I know that if I hadn’t been the 
Slayer, and I had to watch Willow perish, it would have done the exact same 
thing to me.

A few days after Dawn and I had out little chat, Xander came to me with a 
story of his own. Again I was surprised when he seemed to focus on Willow.

After they had laid me to rest everyone went back to Giles apartment to try 
and settle down. Everyone except Willow, she stayed behind at my gravesite.  
Xander told me how he tried to convince her to come back to Giles’ but she 
would hear nothing of it. In fact he said that it was like she wasn’t even 
aware of his presence, she just kept staring at the headstone, tracing the 
letters of my name with the tips of her fingers. He had finally left her 
alone when Tara insisted she could take care of herself, that she just needed 
time to say goodbye to me. But when she didn’t come back by dark he had gone 
back to get her. Xander found her curled up against the marker, gently 
sobbing as she shallowly slept. He had scooped her up and carried her back 
to Giles house and tucked her into his bed. He told me the whole way home 
she kept murmuring my name and saying she was so sorry. I remember Xander 
looked near tears as he told me how devastated our best friend had been.

I was most surprised though when almost two weeks later Tara came to me. Out 
of all of us I had known her the least amount of time, and even though I 
really liked the girl, I was a little shocked when she wanted to tell me her 
own tale. I wasn’t surprised however when she told me it was aboutWillow.  
It was becoming a theme and I hated it, because I’ve always been loathe to 
cause Will any pain. And the stories they were relating to me were just 
downright awful to for me to listen to. But Tara’s story didn’t make me  
sad, it filled me with so much pride and love that for a moment I forgot 
how miserable I’ve been seen returning to the moral world. Tara actually 
seemed rather proud herself as she told me how Willow had taken charge of 
everything after my passing. She put aside her grief a few weeks after the 
final battle with Glory and stepped into my leadership role. She fixed the 
’Me’ Bot so Sunnydale wouldn’t be left completely unprotected. That was my 
Will, always thinking of other people before herself. I was glad to know 
that my death hadn’t changed her completely. Tara also told me howinsistent 
Willow had been that they move into my house to take care of Dawn. Willow 
had kept saying that she needed to make sure that Dawn would be ok, she had 
to at least do that for me, I would have wanted her to take care of my little 
sister. She knew I died to protect Dawn and Willow was determined to make 
sure it wasn’t in vain.  

What Willow didn’t know and what I didn’t exactly offer up to Tara, was that 
I didn’t just die for Dawn, I did it for all of them. If I wouldn’t have 
jumped into that portal we all would have been killed. And I wasn’t about to 
watch all my friends die when there was something I could do to stop it. If 
I would have let Dawn jump it would have destroyed me. I know I would have 
given up and turned to the dark side and, for once, Willow would have been 
powerless to stop it. And I knew I would have dragged them all down with me.

As I sit here with a cup of cocoa in my hand, watching the lights flicker on 
the Christmas tree, thinking of the stories my friends have told me about 
Willow, I feel more despair than I thought possible. I’ve been in such a 
dark place since I’ve been back. And I think the only way I knew how to deal 
with that was to turn to Spike. To turn to something equally as dark as I’ve 
become. But once was enough to open up my eyes and see that Spike’s not the 
answer. I was so lost in my own pity and pain that I didn’t even realize 
what was happening to Willow. And I know that if something worse had 
happened to Dawn because of it I would have lost both of them forever. The 
haunted look in Will’s eyes scared me more than almost anything. Because I 
know that look, I’ve had that look. And the person who always chased it away 
was now wearing it.

Since that night almost a month ago she’s been trying so hard to prove 
herself to me, to Dawn, to everyone. I haven’t seen her use magic since then 
and I can’t help but be a little proud of her. But I still can’t figure out 
how to help her. How am I supposed to chase away the darkness when I’m a 
part of it?

Dawn and Willow are getting along much better now, so I’m at least thankful 
for that. In fact it was Dawn’s idea to get the tree this year, she thought 
it would cheer Will and me up. But as beautiful as it is, all it does is 
make me sad. It makes me think of the Christmas that Angel almost killed 
himself. And of last year when we spent the better part of the holiday 
season in and out of hospitals with Mom. Although the thought of my tiny 
Jewish Santa does ease the despair for a moment. But it is quickly replaced 
by the thought that this will be the first Christmas without Mom. And hereI 
thought it didn’t get any worse! I’m completely trapped bythis dark 
despair, it’s engulfing me like a thick heavy fog. And I don’t have any 
idea how to get out. And as loathe as I am to admit it, I’m not sure I want 
to.

Suddenly, just as that last thought crosses my mind, the metaphorical fog 
that I had just been thinking about rolls into my living room, followed bya 
ghostly white apparition. I see the tattered jeans and the iron chains 
hanging off the bony limbs. Slowly I draw my eyes up to its face, beginning 
to wonder if I had somehow been whisked into a Charles Dickens novel. I 
didn’t need to wonder anymore though when I saw who the ghost was.

“Ford?”

End Part 1 


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Visit My Roswell Fic Site
http://www.angelfire.com/tv2/rozwellrulz