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Title:
There's Not Enough "Ew!" in the World [1/?]
Author: Dan Spector Rating: NC-17 (see warning) Pairing: Buffy/Willow (and other stuff) Summary: Buffy's "love life" hits a new low. Spoilers: Takes place during "Seeing Red". However, I have made some changes to the events of "Entropy"; see Author's Note for details. Disclaimer: Once upon a time, there was a momentarily-gifted man named Joss Whedon, who created "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" and some of the most wonderful characters in the history of drama. Sadly, he turned into a pathetic, self-aggrandizing hack a few years later, but that's another story... Archiving: Automatic for list archives, submissions lists and Dark Moon Subtext. Those who already have any of my fics are free to take it, but please drop me a line so that I can update my links page. Anyone else, feel free to ask, and given my 100% record of approvals, it's pretty likely that I'll say "yes". Feedback: Not quite as much of a happy as hearing that Steve DeHack died in a car crash would be, but still fun. Send it to me at danspector@xxxxxxxxx , or on-list. Author's Note (1): These are the changes I've made to "Entropy" in my world: ? Buffy, given the events of "Normal Again", did the logical thing and told the gang about her affair with Spike. (She says herself in the "Entropy" teaser that this is nothing compared to her almost killing them, and that she knows they won't hate her for it, so there's no reason to keep it a secret. Well, except that Greenberg needed a capper for his non-plot, and somehow thought that seeing characters learn information that the audience already knew qualified as such.) Dawn was stunned, Willow was hurt, and Xander bitter, but they're all dealing with it. ? Anya did not return to being a Vengeance Demon, because demons have no souls. I understand that this is a difficult concept for Marti Noxon to grasp, but I'll be willing to explain it to her, slowly, and using little words. ? Spike and Anya did do the horizontal boogie, though. ? Willow and Tara are meeting for coffee, but taking it slow. Since I'm not going to kill Tara, I don't have to make her abandon all her principles and jump back in the sack, just so there can be an "Evil Willow" joke, I mean story. ? One other thing, but I'm keeping it a secret right now. Author's Note (2): The title is misleading; it's only the title of this chapter, not of the fic as a whole. I need to come up with a general title, but I'm just stalling for time right now. The title itself is a variation on a line Cordelia said in "Untouched" (although there it was "yuck"). That episode, Cordelia, the other characters from "Angel", none of it has the slightest thing to do with this story; I just swiped the line. ***CONTENT WARNING*** This fic contains graphic m/f sex; non-consensual if not outright rape. This is not pleasant, nor is it meant to be. If disturbing content disturbs you too much, don't read it.
***END WARNING***
She always knew it would come to this. To some, Buffy Summers was a Slayer, a friend, a sister, a hero. But Buffy knew she was unworthy of the the praise. the friendship, the bonding, the love. She was fit only for disgust and degradation, she knew that-- --and she kept proving herself right. She felt the cock forcing its way in, relentlessly invading her no-longer-virgin asshole, pushing past the tight muscles of the sphincter ring and forcing its way into her rectum. Mercilessly, it hammered, heedless of her needs, her pain, her feelings--or of the fact that she had any of those to consider, at all. No, she was a piece of meat, nothing more, to be used for another's pleasure and discarded as he saw fit. But this was no less than she deserved; indeed it probably wasn't enough. In and out, back and forth, the fleshy torpedo pounded, grinding her harder against the cold, unyielding, floor. Maybe technically, he was forcing himself on her; maybe she'd made another token protest, another pathetic attempt at resistance. But hadn't she already given him implicit permission, the first time she'd let him treat her like this? Any lines he had crossed, any pretense to dignity she had surrendered, surely all that had happened long ago? If she was anything like the image her friends had of her, none of this would ever have happened, so who was she to bicker over the details? Yes, take her, abuse her, degrade her. She deserved it, she wasn't human, she was a Slayer, a mystically-empowered thing, torn by destiny apart from her fellow human beings, consigned to spend her life in graveyards grappling with the undead filth that clawed from their holes, fighting a never-ending battle that could only result in people getting killed because of her failures, and, eventually, the sweet release of her own death. Although, twice so far, even that hadn't been enough to end her miserable existence. "Aaahhh," she cried, more in pain than in passion. Because pain was all she deserved. She was a dead thing, a killing machine that never lost the stench of decay. That's why she had never been able to see Xander as date material, never been able to tell Willow that the love she felt for her was more than that of friends; she couldn't let herself truly touch anything human, she was born in darkness and deserved nothing but that. She could hear him above her, grunting and panting, pounding her into the ground like she didn't exist. Because she didn't, not to him. He lived to dominate her, screwed her to validate himself, he'd never given a damn for her feelings. For him, Buffy Summers was no more than a set of holes to fuck, something to triumph over and gain his victory, his release. If she ever came, he neither knew nor cared. That's why she'd run to Angel, why she'd given herself to someone whose nature was to destroy her. Because she knew she couldn't inflict herself on anyone human. But Angel had been a stop-gap, a vampire with a soul, a way for her to cling to some delusion of self-esteem, to convince herself that a dealer in death still deserved love. Naturally, it had led to him losing his soul, killing dozens and spending several centuries in hell, a fate that didn't surprise her at all, for that was just what could be expected for anyone foolish enough to get involved with her. Then she'd gone and thrown herself at Riley, a man notable for nothing except his conspicuous normalcy, whom she'd never loved and barely pretended to. She'd gone through the motions and put up the facade of Normal Girl, beieving that if she didn't give into her emotions, she wouldn't drag anyone else down with her. She was wrong again, of course, and before she was done, Riley had nearly had a complete breakdown, ignoring his malfunctioning heart, charging into vampire nests, letting other vamps feed on him, all in a desperate attempt to gain the love she could never give him. At least Riley had survived, had gotten out and gotten married. All she had done was move onto another vampire, sunk further and further into the dirt she was a part of. And even though she had told Spike it was over, here she was again, living down to her worst expectations and rutting with the most repugnant man she could ever have imagined. She felt his hands claw into her hips, drawing blood as he buried himself to the hilt, and turned to look over her shoulder at the one person she knew she was meant for above all others, staring into the soulless, ice-blue eyes of... ...Principal R. Snyder. "You see, Missy?" Snyder slavered, his ears flushed red with excitement, drool running off his chin and onto the studded leather collar around his neck. "You thought you could get away with being a troublemaker, with disobeying my authority, but you were wrong. I am your lord and master, your world and your life, your creator and your destroyer and you will submit!" Snyder's right hand reached off to the side and picked up a cat-o'-nine-tails. He raised it up to strike and-- "Okaaay, snake-chow, that's about enough out of you!" Buffy objected. "I may be having serious issues with myself, but this dream has just gotten way too disturbing!" And with that Buffy awoke in her bed, sweaty and whimpering. "Oh, god, no!" she moaned, reaching behind to feel her un-assaulted butt. "This can't go on," Buffy muttered, sitting up instantly. "If I don't do something, I'm going to totally lose it." And, knowing what she had to do, she hurried out of her bed and down the hall to the room that had once been her mother's, almost tripping over her feet. She didn't even know if Willow was home, she hadn't even been able to look at a clock to see if she was still at class. All she knew was that she had to go to Willow, let out the feelings that were tearing her up inside, or she'd end up more insane than she already was. Yes, there she was, bending over to get something out of the bottom drawer of her wardrobe. Before she could censor herself yet again, Buffy let the words burst out of her, tears pouring out of her eyes as the truth spilled from her heart. "Will, I have to tell you something; I know you're probably going to hate me, but I can't keep this in any more," Buffy began. "I love you, but not just love like friends love you, I'm in love with you, I've been in love with you for years. I've tried to keep it from you and I told myself it because I thought you couldn't accept it or I didn't want to lose your friendship or you had someone you were happy with, but what it really was was that I didn't love myself and I thought if you knew the real me you'd run away, which you're probably going to do now, but I've been making myself crazy and punishing myself with destructive relationships and doing awful things and I think I'm about to crack up. I think that's what the Asylum delusion or whatever it was was about, that's why I went crazy and nearly hurt you. And I never want to hurt you, so I have to tell you, and if you hate me now, that's okay. I'm just so sorry, Will." "I...I don't think she could ever hate you, Buffy," said a very taken aback Tara. "T-Tara?" Buffy asked, peering through watery eyes and realizing it was the witch and not Willow to whom she had inadvertantly confessed. "Um, hi, I didn't expect you to, uh..." "I c-c-came to get Willow a shirt," the former blonde replied, staring at the garment in her hands. "W-W-Willow spilled coffee on hers and I had an hour before m-my next class, so..." Tara drifted off into an awkward silence. "So..." Buffy echoed. "D-Did you want me to give her a message?" Tara asked, for lack of anything better to say. "Oh. Oh. God, no," Buffy started. "I, I'll tell her when she gets home. Or maybe never," she added. "N-no," Tara objected, not entirely thrilled at being the one to point this out (and not a little annoyed with herself for being petty). "It, it sounded like you really have to tell her. And you should, it's good not to repress these things." "No, definitely of the bad," Buffy seconded. "I guess when I was halfway to convincing myself I was in love with Spike, that should have told me I was losing it, right?" "Y-yes, right," Tara said, halfheartedly. She worried that she'd been trying to sell Buffy on the idea of loving Spike because she secretly feared this, because she wanted Willow back and was scared Buffy would take her away from her. She had wondered why she had told Buffy it was okay for her to love Spike, when the very same concept had revolted Tara herself less than a year previously. Was she really that desperate to hang on to Willow, that she would sabotage Buffy that way? Suddenly, she didn't feel well. "I, I think I'll go." "Yeah, okay," Buffy said. "But, but you can still keep coming here, I mean, this shouldn't make things awkward. More. Or at least not too awkward," she said, hopefully. "Heck, you're probably the one she wants anyway," she offered, worrying that that was in fact the case. "Yes, she could, I suppose," Tara ventured, trying not to twist the shirt in her hands into a knot. She didn't really think Willow would ever pick her over Buffy, but then she hadn't thought that about Oz, either, so maybe she was underestimating herself. Or maybe she was kidding herself. Anyway, she had to get out of there quickly. Because she had a class, not because she was running away--no, she couldn't even convince herself of that. "Well, I'm, uh, going to go, then," she stated. "Are you going to, um. be okay?" "Me? Oh, sure, fine," Buffy replied with false cheer. "I'll have another nap, or clean the kitchen, or nap in the kitchen or something. You go," she shooed, trying hard not to sound like she was ordering the Wiccan away. "Okay, then, back to school," Tara said, hurrying down the steps before she felt more out of place than she already did. Buffy heard the door close behind Tara and wandered back down the hall to her room in a daze. She sagged back into the bed, aghast at what she had done. She'd admitted that she was in love with Willow and now she was going to have to tell her, to summon up her courage and do the thing she'd been so afraid of for the past few years. Wishing it was dark so she could go stake some vampires instead of thinking about all of this, Buffy slipped back under the covers and closed her eyes, but not before fighting off a sudden impulse to go see if Willie the Snitch would be up for a quickie. TBC |