Fic: Noticing 1/1 (by Arsenic)

[Jenny <dap311@xxxxxxxxx>]

my friend wrote this for me and said i could post it. 
if you have feedback, please post it on list or send
to me (dap311@xxxxxxxxx) and i'll send it on to her. 

Title: Noticing
Author: Arsenic
Rating: PG (Slash)
Fandom/Pairing: Buffy, B/W
Disclaimer: Everyone and everything here belongs to
Joss Whedon
Summary:  Buffy learns things and sees what she didn't
before
Distribution: http://dap311.freewebsites.com
 
Author's Notes:  Takes place immediately after season
six.  Kinda spoilery, but not really.  Sorry if any
factual issues are wrong, I watch but I'm not fanatic.
 
Dedication:  For Murmur, because she wanted it and I
wanted to give it to her.  Sorry it isn?t much, it's
the best I had to give.
 
*
 
On some level, Buffy had long ago accepted that things
changed, and there was no such thing as "going back to
the way things were before."  Which didn't mean that
she had ever gotten used to it.
 
Willow had changed.  It wasn't anything obvious, not
like the black hair that had faded back into natural
red, or the eerie tone of voice that had fled in the
face of Willow's lilting, now mostly whispered
sounds.  It was the fact that, when she spoke, it was
out of necessity.  When she smiled, it was because it
was expected.  Willow seemed to have honed everything
about herself to the bare minimum of what others
needed from her.  
 
Buffy needed more.
 
*
 
When Xander had tried to explain things to her, Buffy
had translated his own words back to him, "We weren't
enough for her."
 
"Are we gonna pretend this is about us, rather than
Willow?"  Xander had run a hand through his hair and
looked apologetic, but not enough to actually say,
'I'm sorry.'
 
Buffy had had the sense not to expect it, or even feel
that she deserved it.  "There are things I'm good at. 
I can stop a plot for world destruction with the best
of 'em.  But I'm beginning to suspect that I make suck
at being a best friend."
 
"I don?t think I'm really the person you should be
seeking advice from in that particular area, all
things considered."
 
"You stopped her.  You got her to see?how much she
meant to you, to us-"
 
"How much I loved her, Buff.  Love."
 
Buffy closed her eyes against the headache which that
word always caused to swirl up through the base of her
skull.  "I was trying.  I don't always.  I'm not good
with knowing what to do when it comes to her."
 
"With Will, it's never been about the big things. 
Mostly, she just wants someone to pay attention. 
Someone to share their secrets with her.  She's not
hard to love."
 
Buffy didn't know how to tell Xander that sometimes it
was the easiest things in life that were completely
impossible for her.
 
*
 
"I'm not going to break," Willow declared, before
tilting her head slightly to the side.  "I already did
that.  This is the putting-back-together-again part."
 
Buffy remembered the words to that nursery rhyme.  She
caught herself before saying them out loud.  "I don't
think you are."
 
Willow smashed her lips together.  "Something's got
you all-" Her hands flew around in a patternless
expression of how she saw Buffy acting toward her.
 
"I'm just worried.  That's all.  I mean, there was?I'm
just worried."  Buffy nearly winced at her lame verbal
attempts at helpful dishonesty.  "I mean, you're my
best friend, I'm supposed to worry."
 
"You're also supposed to trust me."  Willow said the
words softly, but her tone conveyed stress.
 
"Takes two."  The words came out before Buffy was even
sure what they meant.
 
Willow seemed to know, though.  "Yeah, it's a pretty
vicious cycle."
 
Buffy was too scared to ask her what that meant.
 
*
 
The world always seemed to be just fine on its own
when Buffy most needed a cataclysmic event to pop up
out of nowhere.  As hard as she tried, the vamps were
easy to kill, Dawn's friends all seemed human -- if
somewhat flaky -- and Spike wasn't around for her to
divert her low-level chronic panic attack onto.
 
It wasn't exactly that she didn't have things to worry
about.  She was running behind on the water bill and
Dawn had the worst taste in boys and Xander and Anya
were still acting weird every time they got within ten
feet of each other.  Unfortunately, none of those
things seemed to worry her anywhere near as much as
how Willow was doing, how her and Willow were doing --
pretty much everything surrounding Willow.
 
So it was that when Willow dropped the hint, "Dawny's
spending the night at Jane's on Thursday, because I
maybe prodded her a little bit, with you having the
night off and all," Buffy came back with a
less-than-adequate, "That's?good."
 
Willow must have sensed that she was going to have to
do all the work, because she went straight ahead
without even sighing, "I could make dinner, have it
ready when you get home."
 
If there was one thing Buffy had spent a life time
perfecting, it was the art of acting calm.  "Oh, real
food.  I'd forgotten there was such a thing."
 
Willow's smile wasn't full, but it was genuine.  "I
can imagine.  Look, we'll lock the door, right?  You
can spend some time patrolling after dinner and then
after that, girl's night in, with movies and chocolate
dipped popcorn."
 
Panic aside, Buffy wasn't lying when she admitted,
"Will, you had me at 'lock the door.'"
 
* 
 
Buffy let herself in the back door after work and
grinned at Willow's back.  "You can't have the
slightest idea what it's like to walk out of somewhere
smelling like *that* and come home to a place smelling
like *this*."
 
Willow turned around.  "I made chicken and rice, no
onions, just the way you like."
 
"Ah, a classic."
 
"You wanna shower before dinner or after the dusting
spree?"
 
Buffy walked over to the sink and began washing her
hands with the dish soap.  She repeated the process
twice.  "Post-slayage, I think.  Doesn't make much
sense the other way."
 
Willow had set two plates on the counter with
silverware and glasses.  There was a plastic Hello
Kitty cup that Buffy remembered just absolutely
needing to have when she was in third grade squarely
between the two place settings, nearly a dozen
dandelions poking out of it.  Buffy dried her hands on
a kitchen towel and went about putting ice in the
glasses.  "You weed the garden today?"
 
Willow was doling out minced garlic sparingly over the
green beans steaming on the stove.  "Yeah, how'd
you-"  The dandelions caught the corner of her eye as
she turned to look at Buffy and Willow rotated herself
back toward the stove, "Oh.  They were too pretty to
throw into the mulch with the rest of the stuff."
 
"We have mulch?"
 
"I've been reading that AA guideline book that Xander
procured, it says that projects are a good thing,
y'know, to keep an ex-addict non-addicty."
 
"How bad was the garden?"
 
"I've seen worse."  Willow paused.  "In sparsely
populated areas near wild wood-growth."
 
Buffy could hear Willow's smile.  It made her laugh
softly.  "Where *have* my priorities been?"
 
Willow put the top back over the beans.
 
*
 
Buffy liked to run the water twice as hot as she
normally would after coming home from patrolling.  It
seemed like the only way to do things.  The steam
tended to get so thick that she coughed on it while
breathing in.  
 
She reached blindly for her body wash, her eyes flying
open at the weight of the bottle, which was far
heavier than it should have been.  As of that morning,
it had been nearly empty.  She opened the lid and
sniffed at the soap.  It was the same scent.  Seeing
as how her only option other than using the mysterious
soap was to go without washing her body, Buffy poured
a dollop into her palm and set the bottle down.
 
She came downstairs afterward, barefoot and smelling
of melon and aloe .
 
Willow smiled, "I forgot to tell you, I saw the list
you were making up for the grocery store and picked up
all the stuff while I was getting what I needed for
dinner today.  I wasn't sure if I got the right soap,
but you smell right, so I must've."
 
"I smell right."  Buffy wasn't sure if she was asking
a question or confirming a truth.
 
"Watermelon and something else.  Xander always smells
like wood, in a good way, though.  Dawn changes a lot,
but she tends to stay with vanilla-themed scents. 
Anya smells like designer perfume.  I have a good
nose."
 
"What do you smell like?"
 
"I can't really smell myself."  Willow paused.  Buffy
sensed there was more.  She was rewarded for waiting
it out when Willow continued.  "I use Tara's shampoo. 
Not her bottle, literally, but when we first got
together, one of the first things I fell madly in love
with was the scent of her hair, it was?warmed
sandalwood, I guess.  So I bought myself a bottle.  I
can't smell it on myself, but I hope it's there."
 
Cautiously, Buffy came closer to her best friend,
reaching out to pluck a length of red hair from its
resting place.  She put her nose to it.  
 
*
 
Buffy knew they were watching "Never Been Kissed"
because Willow had a thing for Drew Barrymore and
happy endings, even if Willow had the good grace to
say, "Molly Shannon, with the funny."


Which was true, all the same.
 
Willow allowed Buffy to make the popcorn, rescuing it
from the microwave without a word about Buffy's
attention span and handing it over to her, "The steam
burns are all you, girl."
 
Willow deftly removed the top half of the double
boiler from the stove and drizzled the melted fondue
chocolate over the extra-butter variety popcorn. 
Buffy reached for a piece and Willow admonished, "You
gotta let it harden," without ever once looking in
Buffy's direction from where she was busy cleaning out
the pot.
 
Later, when Buffy was resting more on top of Willow
than the couch and thinking about how she really
didn't mind happy endings so much herself, she
theorized, "Y'know, I don?t think it's even really
about the taste of chocolate and popcorn, because when
you consider it from that angle, ew.  But it's
just?there's the crunchiness and then the weird
softness of the popcorn inside.  Like, a treat you
weren't expecting to find.  Only you were.  Expecting
to find it."
 
Underneath her, Willow drew a breath in.  The ridge of
her ribcage was hard against Buffy's temple.
 
*
 
Willow had started it.  "Coke or Pepsi?"
 
Buffy hadn't even blinked, "Pepsi."
 
Willow made a face.  "It's a good thing I like you so
much for your non-taste related attributes."
 
Buffy spent a minute looking affronted and formulating
the question, "Disneyland or Sea World?"
 
"Hard choice, but I think, in the end, the dolphins
win out over Dopey."  Willow made it apparent that
this choice pained her.  "Wilco or Ryan Adams?"
 
"Wil?co.  Wilco."  Buffy's answer was more confident
the second time.  "Britney or Pink?"
 
Willow glared.  "I don't exploit your secret
weaknesses."
 
Buffy was nonplussed.  "Catholic school girl gone
wrong, or misunderstood homegirl?"
 
"Neither, Britney."  In retribution Willow asked,
"Lisa Frank or Sanrio?"
 
"At this point in my life, I'd have to say Sanrio." 
Buffy forced the words out and returned to something
safe, "Hostess or Little Debbie's?"
 
"Little Debbie's.  Here or somewhere else?"
 
Buffy didn't even have time to realize what she was
responding to when the word, "Here" was out of her
mouth.  Willow looked pleased.  Buffy just continued,
"Harry or Draco?"
 
"Hermione."
 
*
 
Buffy and Willow both woke up to a rather loud, mildly
panicky, "Willow!  Willow!  Buffy's not here, she's-"
 
Dawn broke off and blinked, only half her body
inhabiting Willow's room.  "Oh, there she is."
 
"Slumber party of two, Dawny."  Buffy patted the side
of the bed next to her.
 
Dawn sat down.  "Sorry, you weren't in you bed.  I
might've overreacted."
 
Willow, whose heart was still racing, smiled.  "You've
earned the right."


"So, um," Dawn was bouncing, the bed moving underneath
her, "you guys want me to make you breakfast? I can
pour a really great cereal."
 
Buffy closed her eyes.  "How 'bout you give us an hour
and I'll squeeze an orange to compliment your gourmet
concoction?"
 
"An hour it is."  Dawn politely closed the door behind
her as she left.
 
Buffy rolled into Willow.  Her body was tight,
reflexes still poised to go rescue Dawn.  Willow threw
her arm over Buffy, letting the palm rest in between
Buffy's shoulder blades.  "Relax.  Everyone's safe."
 
Buffy laid her hand gently over Willow's neck, just to
be sure.
 
*
 
Double Meat Palace, as it turned out, had some sense
of occasion and therefore was not open the night of
July fourth.  Before anyone knew what had happened,
Willow had Dawn, Buffy and herself packed into a car
and driving out to the beach to do some over-the-water
fireworks viewing.
 
Dawn had her shoes off before she even left the car,
hitting the sand at a dead run in the direction of the
receding water.  Buffy laughed and helped Willow
unpack the car.  "When she acts like things are new,
sometimes I remember that they are.  Even if she
doesn't really know they're new.  I mean, she thinks
she's seen the ocean a million times before, but
really, I'm pretty sure we've only brought her out
here once or twice."
 
Willow started to walk, picnic basket dangling from
one hand, fold out chair from another.  "She reminds
me of you."
 
Buffy set down one folding chair and turned the other
one over, wondering if perhaps the mystery of how to
unfold it would appear on the bottom.  "I was like
that?"
 
"You used to notice our victories."
 
Buffy triumphed over the chair and sat down in it,
mentally sighing in relief when it didn't dump her
into the sand.  "Will, I still-"
 
"No you don't.  You look into me now, not at me, if
you even look at all, for fear of what you might see."
 
"Maybe I'm checking to see that you're alright."
 
"Maybe that's the problem.  You wouldn't know alright
now if it bit you on the ass in an invitation to
foreplay.  You check to see that things are okay by
checking to see if they're actually not."
 
"If you're trying to say that I'm not an optimist, I
already got the memo."
 
"I'm trying to tell you that I'm here and alive and
maybe a little bit sad, but that's human, and we're
all allowed to be human from time to time.  But we
won, you won, Xander won, even I won, and you need to
accept that, and be happy with it, and not be looking
for the other shoe to drop.  If it does, you'll know
it, you always do.  The world, after all, is still
standing, and you need to fucking smile about that."
 
Buffy slid off the chair onto the picnicking blanket. 
"You're still here."
 
"Yeah.  We won."
 
Buffy's smile was small, like that of a newborn child
still learning to use her facial muscles, but it
played across her whole face.
 
*  
 
Late August came with temperatures that made moving a
finger a task of extreme diligence.  Willow made many
pitchers worth of sun tea and bought custom popscicle
molds.  
 
"I've been thinking about things," Willow said, the
ice on her tongue making her words less than crystal
clear, "that maybe you should be thinking about too. 
Or at least, knowing about."
 
Buffy nodded, and continued to work on the art of not
worrying every time Willow needed to discuss
something.  She was making slow progress.
 
"Somehow, nobody knows why or how, least of all me,
I've been offered a T.A. job, on the condition that I
bring my GPA back up to at least a 3.8 in this first
semester.  But I would start at the beginning of the
semester, and stay on something of a trial run until
the end of it.  I think the professor might have a
thing for lost souls."
 
"Do you?is this a good thing for you?"
 
"Oh yeah, I really like the professor and the subject
and think I would enjoy the duties.  Plus, it would
bring in some extra money."
 
Buffy smiled, if a little tightly.  "But?"
 
"I'm not gonna be around as much.  Between that and
full time school, I probably won?t get home until ten
on the weekdays."
 
"Have you talked to Dawn about this?"
 
"I did."
 
"And?"
 
"And I'm proud of you for letting go a little bit. 
She will be fine, which I know you know, even if
you're freaking out about leaving her alone."
 
"She's almost sixteen, I gotta let life happen at some
point, even if I absolutely hate the idea."
 
"Which is an excellent segue way into my second
point."
 
"I'm afraid."
 
"I think we should teach Dawn how to drive."
 
"Fuck."
 
"If she doesn't learn it from us, she's gonna learn it
from someone."
 
"I repeat my earlier sentiment."
 
"You trust her enough to teach her slaying technique,
but not to get behind the wheel of a car?"
 
"I'm a better Slayer than Driver.  In fact, sometimes
the two are equivalent in my case, which is not a good
thing."
 
"Do you want me to do it?"
 
"No."
 
"You're always better at things with her than you are
on your own."
 
Buffy placed her glass, condensation running down its
side, to her forehead.  "I'm better when you're around
to notice."
 
*
 
"I wanted to use magic today," Willow admitted, her
hand shaking slightly as she tucked a strand of hair
behind her ear.  "Nothing flashy.  Maybe light up my
total dungeon of a classroom.  Or transform the
cafeteria food into something edible."
 
Buffy hugged Willow, dancing to the sound of ER's
credits coming from the other room where Dawn was
watching.  "I bet we can find an extra lamp around
here for your classroom."
 
The next day, Buffy loaded the lamp into the back of
Willow's car and realized that she hadn't once
considered the idea that Willow might have actually
given into the temptation the day before.
 
*
 
The day Dawn turned sixteen, Buffy climbed into the
passenger seat of the car and let Dawn take them
anywhere she wanted to go.  Dawn drove to the
playground near the cemetery and parked on the street,
parallel parking with a level of skill that concerned
Buffy, "Where'd you learn to do that?"
 
"Xander.  He said it was a good thing to know."
 
"Oh."
 
Dawn meandered to the swings and seated herself in
one, smiling sweetly up at Buffy.  Buffy rolled her
eyes and went behind her sister, giving her a push. 
As with most things in life, she paid careful
attention as to just how much strength she put behind
the push.  
"Happy birthday, Dawny."
 
"Thanks for taking me to get my license."
 
"You were great.  I was all, 'look, my sister kicks
more ass than your kid!'"
 
"Wow, mature."
 
"I'm pretty sure I didn't actually say that to
anyone."
 
"Maybe you should say what you're thinking more
often."
 
Buffy missed a round of pushing.  "What do you mean?"
 
"Look, I know I wasn't actually there when all this
happened, but I remember it like I was, so I know how
you act when you care about someone as more than a
friend and I think it's time that you made Willow
understand that she's not pining without hope."
 
"Willow."  Buffy blinked.  "Willow isn't pining."
 
Dawn dragged her feet in the dirt until she stopped
and could effectively roll her eyes at her sister.
 
"She still misses Tara."
 
"You won't get an argument from me there."
 
"So she can't-"
 
"You still miss Angel."
 
"Distantly."  Buffy's voice was petulant, but it was
evident that she was pondering.
 
"Buff.  You're my sister, and I love you, I will no
matter what, but honestly, for once in your life, just
let things be easy.  They don't always have to be
complicated and screwed up and wrong."  Dawn swayed
from side to side.
 
Buffy sat down in the swing next to her and bumped
into her erratically.  "How do you know?"
 
Dawn frowned.  She shook her head slowly.  "I just do,
I guess."
 
*
 
Dawn drove herself and her friends out to a restaurant
on the other side of town to celebrate her birthday,
effectively leaving Buffy alone for when Willow got
home.  Willow came into where Buffy was staring
blindly at the TV, "Have a nice day off?"
 
Buffy smiled up at her.  "Dawn and I spent the
afternoon together."
 
"That was the plan, as I recall."  Willow walked over
to sit next to Buffy on the couch.  "Did you give her
a curfew?"
 
"Told her to call if it was gonna be later than
midnight."
 
"So, are you just wigging about the significance of
the day in general, or is there something more
specific that I should be knowing about here?"
 
Buffy was silent.  With Xander, to this day, she
probably would have felt the need to act blithe, but
this was Willow, and there wasn't a need to be
anything other than herself.  It was the lack of a
need to act that compelled her to say, "Dawn thinks
I'm in love with you."
 
Willow got up to turn the TV off, even though the
remote was sitting directly ahead of her.  "Sixteen or
no, she's a kid."
 
"I've heard that sometimes kids can solve puzzles and
riddles that adults can't because adults let all the
things they know get in the way and complicate it too
much to see what's just simply there, on the surface."
 
Willow turned to face Buffy.  "You're my best friend
in the entire world, and I love you.  But you need to
understand something.  You have to be sure about
this.  This can't be some theory you have to test,
because I can't be another Riley.  I don't have the
leftover sanity for it."
 
"No.  I know.  And see, that's the thing.  Is that I
do know that.  I know so many things about you that I
never bothered to want to know about Riley.  And I
want to know more.  Actively want."
 
"You have to realize that I've been in love with you
for?well, I turned down Oxford to stay with you.  I
can't remember a time when there wasn't some element
of something beyond friendship in this whole situation
for me."
 
"I'm sorry it took me so long to notice.  Everything,
really."
 
Willow moved gracefully to stand over Buffy.  She
leaned down and kissed her seductively, pulling away
only when Buffy was panting and desperate.  "I'm
patient."  She walked toward the stairs.  "With some
things."
 
 
 
 
 




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