re: CORRECTED VERSION (I hope): October 2002 Gutter Report

[Tater <tater@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>]

TO: Director of Public Safety: All department heads: and all other interested
parties.
FROM: United Vegetable Empire
SUBJECT: End of the Month State of the Gutter and Woods Outback Report for
October 2002


>Item 5:
>Regarding the recent staking of several demonic cabbages by the
>bunny-slayer, according to first hand reports the slayings were in
>self-defence in something we are calling: "suicide by bunny-slayer."
>Apparently some heartless individual set up a wide-screen television in
>front of the demonic cabbage patch and has been playing almost non-stop the
>new commercials for the Cabbage Patch Dolls. Some of the cabbages simple
>could not take the torture anymore and instead of committing suicide - which
>in demonic cabbage lore means they would come back as a Tribble - they chose
>to seek out and irritate the bunny-slayer until she was forced to slay them.
>
>Now people... tormenting the demonic cabbages is like a national pastime for
>several of the Gutter and Woods Outback dwellers but we must draw the line
>somewhere! Are we mischief-makers and mayhem spreaders...or the
>much-dreaded 'adults'?? We have standards in the Gutter and Woods
>Outback... we can think of more clever and down right demented methods of
>tormenting the demonic cabbages then a wide screen blaring Cabbage Patch
>Doll Ads! Besides... we have a treaty with Tater and the United Vegetable
>Empire that clearly states we can't do that without having the Yams and
>Pumpkins firebombing the Vegetable Packing Plant again.

The above mention firebombing will take place if the offending doll ads are
not stopped immediately. The only reason it hasn't occured already is that
we had a slight mishap while preparing the incendiaries. The survivor's
burns have now been treated, those cooked extra-crispy have been properly
consumed in the vegetable cannibalistic funeral rite, and we're almost done
with the replacement firebombs. We won't hestitate to use them, and we have
terrible aim. There are some things that just should not be done, even to
the Demonic Cabbages.


>Item 6:
>Regarding the Viking Pigs. Yes I know they have been running amok in the
>Outer Vegetable Territories looking for something they are calling the
>'Golden Pineapple' in a series of chomp and destroy missions. However, I'm
>not sure what you guys expect me to do about it? I'm the Director of Public
>Safety for the Gutter and Woods Outback... not the Outer Vegetable
>Territories...while the Viking Pigs running amok anywhere is always
>annoying - especially when they insist on singing 'In the Navy' while
>conducting the actual raid. There is not much I can do about it, other then
>offer the UVE some of our flamethrowers and more militant Gutter and Woods
>Outback dwellers, who enjoy roasted pig and BBQ, to help repulse the
>invaders.

Ahem. Some of the Viking Pigs were actually the root cause of the
incendiary mishap. They startled the poor veggies preparing the firebombs.
A few of the Viking Pigs were caught in the resulting blast. Rest assured,
we gave them a full veggie funeral, complete with the consumption of the
deceased, even though they weren't vegetables. It made for quite a nice
Luau. So nice in fact that further incidents of amok Viking Pigs raiding
the Outer Vegetable Territories may be met with slightly less accidental
accidents. As the Head of the United Vegetable Empire, I do not condone
such actions. I will, however, expect my subjects to invite me to the
par... er funerals.


>Item 8:
>PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
>RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
>RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
>RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
>RRRRRRRRRRR
>
>Okay... which one of you jokers showed Cat-Willow those pictures of her mate
>slaying in the nude?!!

It was the UVE. Cat-Willow was headed over to investigate the screams
coming from the Demonic Cabbage Patch and we were afraid of what would
happen if she saw what was on the TV. We needed a quick way to distract
her. We trust you'll agree that we made the right choice.


tater (Vegetables of the world unite!)