Fic: Rough Magic (9/10)

[inell@xxxxxxx]

Title: Rough Magic
Author: Inell
Email: Inell@xxxxxxx
Disclaimer: Joss owns them all
Distribution: My site, Kiss or Kill, http://members.fortunecity.com/kissorkill Anyone that has permission, take. Otherwise, just ask.
Rating: R
Pairing: Willow/Buffy
Feedback means a lot and is greatly appreciated!
Note: A hug to anyone that remembers this one! Previous parts can be found at Kiss or Kill.


ROUGH MAGIC (9/10)


Willow laid beside Buffy in the slayer's bed, unable to sleep at all. She couldn't quit thinking about Tara's death and Anya's losing the baby, blaming herself for the botched spell that had taken the two lives. She'd gone over every detail of the spell before they'd begun, careful to check every supply and word before attempting to cast the spell. It was a routine spell, something that should never have resulted in death. She didn't understand what happened, couldn't explain what had gone wrong, and she hated not having the answers. She felt Buffy stir beside her, a soft smile crossing her face as she looked at her best friend. Buffy had been great since everything had happened, not leaving her alone, supporting her despite the fact that she was responsible for the death of her girlfriend and of her best friend's unborn child. She didn't deserve a friend like Buffy, looking away from the sleeping slayer as she sighed sadly.


Tara's death really couldn't have happened at a worse time. She and the blond witch had been arguing for weeks, their relationship slowly falling apart, and they'd had another fight that afternoon before meeting the others that had resulted in Willow's decision to move out. She had loved Tara at one time, still cared a great deal about her lover, but she hadn't been in love with Tara for a while. It hadn't been fair to continue their relationship just because it was comfortable and easy. She'd planned to move out that night, after the spell had been cast, feeling more relaxed and happier than she'd felt in months. It hadn't been Tara's fault, their break-up. Willow was the one to blame. She'd first gotten involved with Tara because she was lonely and liked the fact that someone wanted her, she'd wanted a friend and their relationship had progressed as time had gone by. It had been nice, being loved and cherished. And she had loved Tara, really she had, but she'd loved someon e else more and Tara knew it. The blond hated Buffy, couldn't stand being around the slayer that unknowingly held Willow's heart, and that caused many of their arguments. Tara had been convinced that Buffy wanted Willow, always telling the redhead that the slayer hated her and wanted her to go away so she could have Willow to herself. Willow had finally decided that being with Tara wasn't fair to either of them, and Tara had agreed. The blond witch had understood, and had not blamed Willow at all for loving someone else, the two parting that afternoon as friends. Now, Tara was gone, and no one knew that they'd quietly broken up before her death.


Willow was sad to see Tara die, knew she'd miss the blond that had become such a good friend and so much more for nearly a year, and she'd cried for the loss of such a bright, beautiful soul. They'd been drifting apart for weeks, but it didn't mean she missed Tara any less. The redhead quietly got out of bed, not wishing to disturb Buffy. She wiped the tears from her face as she pulled out the magic book that had the spell she'd cast earlier. She turned on the small desk lamp and began to study the words, needing to know what had gone wrong, wanting to understand why Tara was dead, why Xander's baby was dead. She was to blame, the spell being her responsibility, but she needed to understand why! She began to read, making notes and checking her notes, tears continuing to fall down her cheeks as she tried to find answers to explain what had gone wrong. She owed it to Tara to find answers, knowing that the blond wouldn't want her to feel guilty but knowing there was no way she couldn't feel responsible. She'd prepared the spell, done the necessary translations, checked the ingredients, had everything carefully planned. Giles had done the spell before, had verified that everything was correct. What, then, had gone wrong? Why was Anya now in the hospital after losing the baby? Why was Tara dead instead of giving her a hug good-bye as she moved out?


"Will, what are you doing?" a soft voice spoke from behind her.


Willow turned to look at Buffy, "I'm trying to find out what went wrong. I need to know what happened."


"Willow, honey, you need to get some sleep. It's really late and it's been an awful night," Buffy said quietly as she got out of bed and moved to her friend. She sighed, "You said the spell was right, that everything was as it should be. Looking over all that a hundred more times won't change the fact that something happened, it won't change the fact that Tara is dead, that Anya lost the baby. I trust you, Willow, and I believe that it wasn't your fault. Performing any spell on the Hellmouth is dangerous, as we all know, and that energy from the Hellmouth makes things unpredictable. It wasn't your fault."


"Buffy, Tara's dead. I have to find out what happened," Willow whispered, her green eyes looking at the books in front of her. "She was so sweet, such a great friend, and she understood me in a way that not many people do. I owe it to her to find some answers."


"She wouldn't want you to blame yourself, either," Buffy said softly. "She loved you."


"I was leaving her tonight, following the spell," Willow confessed softly, "we'd broken up earlier today. It wasn't very surprising. The last couple of months, we'd been more like friends than a couple, and we argued a lot and we were both happy about moving on and just being friends. Now she's dead and I don't even know why."


"You're broken up?" Buffy moved to Willow and hugged the redhead from behind, "I'm sorry, Wills. I didn't know things were bad between you two."


"They weren't bad. They just weren't working out," Willow sighed, "and I blame myself. I mean, I tried to love her the way she deserved to be loved, but I couldn't. And after disappointing her like that, after not being able to love her completely, I'm responsible for her death. It's all my fault. The last few months of her life were miserable, she was unhappy, I was unhappy, and, even though we were still friends, it just wasn't the way it should have been. She died before she ever felt really loved."


"Nonsense," Buffy said, "You loved Tara and she loved you. It might not have been working out now, but there was love in that relationship. She was damn lucky to be loved by you, Willow, and I don't think she'd agree with you that she'd never felt real love. I watched you two together, from the first, and it was real. You cared about her, Willow, and she made you happy when no one else could. You were good for her, made her smile and helped bring her out of her shell. I don't think she'd have any regrets for the time she spent with you."


"I've looked over all the notes, reread the spell, and it was right, Buffy. Everything was like it should be. I don't understand what happened," Willow said quietly, knowing that Buffy was right, in a way. Tara and she had loved each other once, and maybe that was what she needed to remember instead of the last weeks of Tara's jealousy over Buffy and her own inability to deny her feelings for her best friend. She could remember their afternoon together, after they'd decided to break-up. The tension was gone, they'd been happy, having lunch and talking and Tara had laughed a lot.


"I don't know, Willow. Sometimes there just aren't any answers," Buffy said as she hugged the redhead again. "Are you going to be okay?"


"Eventually," Willow sighed, "I feel responsible, no matter what you say, and it's going to take me some time to deal with that guilt. I doubt I ever really get past it, but maybe over time I can move on."


"I'm here, Willow. You know that," Buffy said quietly, "I love you. You don't have to go through this alone."


"I love you, too," Willow whispered as she stood up and followed Buffy to the bed. She laid down and felt the slayer's arm go around her waist, giving her a tight hug as they eventually fell asleep.


Willow: "It's a good fight, Buffy, and I want in."
Buffy:  "I kinda love you."
                      —'Choices'

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