End of the Month State of the Gutter and Woods Outback Report for January 2004

Let’s try this again shall we… for the second time… the Gutter Report. Now that Word decided to behave. :: glares at the new XP Office suite ::

TO: All Department Heads; United Vegetable Empire; and all other interested parties.

FROM: The Director of Public Safety

SUBJECT: End of the Month Gutter and Woods Outback Safety Report for January 2004

Once again we gather to recap and reconfirm our respective alibis and denials for all things “adult-like” in nature. Not to mention being anything other than perfectly tame, harmless, soft-spoken, well-mannered, law-a…… … :: pauses as a low rumbling sound begins to fill the room building in intensity :: … … … What? Why is everyone looking at me like that? Its not like I said the “I”-word … like anyone would believe that any of us {especially the Gopher, Koala, Gator and/or ME} are innocent in the first place. :: grumbles something about CNN©, video tapes, and lawn gnome assassinations ::

Item 1:

Report of a missing cave… namely my little cave, the one Francie over there got for me as a birthday present one year. As near as we can tell the evil adults took it… thankfully we have everything backed up and I do still have my other residence – mainly the big oak by the path leading to town. But still… they took my cave and didn’t even give me so much as a ‘go to hell’ when they did it. Hell, I didn’t even know it was gone until I read Francie’s note about it and she heard about it from Gator – who {used} to lurk around my websites re-reading his favourite fics so he could ask me about them later. {When he was not out planting ‘Stormchaser, ‘Witch and Wolf’ and ‘Demonspawns’ – which he has officially been gator-napped to help me write since he thought of one of the subplots for that fic.}

Item 2:

Regarding Demonic Cabbages with the noose-on-a-stick thingies… Tater I thought you knew about that. I was under the impression you were aware of the situation or in the very least knew of it, but were happy to let the Cabbages have their new toys since the noose-on-a-sticks DID stop all the dancing! Its one thing to have a Possessed Demonic Cabbage Patch, those are our Demonic Cabbages and we’re damn lucky that they are – for the most part – on our side! However, it is quite another thing to have said Demonic Cabbages Riverdancing and/or Vogueing … some things are just wrong even by our standards!! :: shudders at memory of the all Cabbage version of Westside Story put on during a Gutter Talent Show one year ::

As for the noose-on-a-sticks, the Cabbages did get them from the Animal Control Maniacs that fell/were pushed/dumped/lured into the patch by assorted forest-dwellers who were being mercilessly stalked by evil humans… … as was reported in last months/year end Gutter and Woods Outback Report.

Anyway, the Demonic Cabbages took a liking to the noose-on-a-sticks and were – according to Gutter Security – using them for spinach-lynching… something Security Chief Quin assumed was strictly a United Vegetable Empire matter and pretty much left it at that. As long as the Cabbages are semi-quiet {by Gutter and Woods Outback standards} and are not trying to set the South Gutter Hot Tubs on fire – AGAIN – they are generally the UVE’s problem and responsibility.

Item 3:

Report from the BeeGees’ Camp:

The BeeGees have set up a temporary camp on the edge of the Gutter and Woods Outback and we would like to know if there's anyplace in particular that you want us, or if we should just pick an empty spot and start building. We apologize for all the ruckus last Saturday night... some of the more rambunctious among us caught a Spuffy lurking in the hedges and decided to have a little fun. They were made to release it back into the wild (slightly the worse for wear but not permanently damaged) and gently chastised. The Golden Slayer's birthday was celebrated in as much style as is possible in a temporary camp, complete with singing, merry-making and the imbibing of certain intoxicating substances. Rumors that a certain bespectacled Brit got out his guitar and sang love songs all night are denounced as completely unfounded. It was only half the night. The BeeGees would like to thank the G&WO for allowing us to join you.

~~Rainne :)

You will all note that the BeeGees are not claiming responsibility or knowledge of the… … eggplant in the white polyester leisure suit that knocked over our resident Scooter Tramp’s beloved bike. Of course considering how upset and just plain ticked off our resident were-badger is at the moment… it’s probably for the best that no one is claiming they know anything about a leisure suit wearing eggplant. The UVE representative just looked at us funny when we asked about eggplants in leisure suits… … we have officially apologized to Tater and her Veggies for scaring them with such an evil and just plain “ewwwwww” mental image.

Item 4:

Shade-wearing Mayhem-spreading Koala sighting: it seems our resident Spiked-Jungle Juice drinker and smuggler is making himself right at home in his new digs. At last report he has gotten cable – and was promptly terrified by the Cartoon Network’s © Baby Loony Toons – even after I warned him against viewing the heinously evil show. Thankfully he was able to switch channels fast enough to keep his head from exploding; although, he refuses to put down his katana or his lightsabre, convinced he is going to have nightmares for weeks. The Dark Jedi Master Koala would also like to report that the Koala Kult knows NOTHING about missing Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders and that the Temple’s basement level has always been restricted – even if most of us have been in said basement at one time or another during block parties and other social gatherings… like last week’s viewing of Monty Python’s Holy Grail©. Further, the Temple’s new colour scheme has nothing to do with any missing Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders, the Jedi-Koala has always liked blue and white… they tend to bring out the blue in his eyes … … or so he says. Our resident Mayhem-spreader also claims that there are NO pompoms anywhere in the Temple…the Temple of Mayhem went on to release the following statement that reads – in part – quote:

“…those aren’t pompoms they are rare, Giant Mutant Shinto Attack Tribbles being raised as possible playmates for the Demonic Cabbages, the Attack Lawyers. Or as possible torture devices for moronic Klingons who keep losing their mates to assassins when not getting assigned to backwater space stations and having a kid who couldn’t pick an age and stay that way for more then two seasons! It would be cool… you’ll see… oh and the reason some are blue… they sort of ate a bunch of Smurfs and the ones that didn’t die turned blue on us. Koala Scout’s Honour… that is the truth.” End quote.

Of course this all means we got to go spray for Smurfs again… because I refuse to have that damn ‘La La’ song getting stuck in my head, not to mention what Xena would do to us all if she found one of those little buggers talking to her bard. The woman still owns lots of very sharp pointy objects is not afraid or hesitant to use them… so we got to get rid of the Smurfs… or in the very least find a way to blame the Smurf-infestation on the Spuffy-shippers or something. Of course a possible Smurf-infestation could be the least of our problems – after all we still got lots of napalm and the shrubs could use a little trimming so we got that covered for the most part.

However, the Senior Executive Council is more concerned about the notion of ‘Koala Scouts’ and if we should let them in the forest without proper supervision… namely tracking collars so we can use GPS to keep track of them. The Office of Gutter and Woods Outback Safety will not allow unsupervised mischief and mayhem to go on… well not without knowing about it so we can get the needed bail funds and optional video tapes ready to record the chaos for historical purposes. Besides… something about young Koalas in scout uniforms just seems wrong in the natural order of things… I mean really? Ask yourselves… just how many people out there would really want to see a Koala Scout out there roaming the streets helping old ladies across the road… getting cats out of trees?? Come on… chances are the Shade-wearing Koala will be the Scout-Master and he’d be teaching the little ones how to hotwire hover tanks and fire the wet-noodle cannons… it would be like having hundreds of mini-Koala’s running amok. … … … Can’t you all just taste the mayhem in the air at the thought of that happening? :: asked with a remarkably straight face even with little devilish horns peeking out from under a hat ::

Item 5:

The Dread Parrot and his crew have taken to the high seas and have declared a bounty for one Ensign Wesley Crusher for being a complete and utter annoyance and waste of breathing space. As well as for being the subject of the following song that has become stuck in the Dread Parrot’s head after hearing it one dark and wet night somewhere in Settle … or was it London???

THE DREAD ENSIGN WESLEY

(song to the theme of The House of the Rising Sun, lyrics by Tom Smith 1993 www.tomsmithonline.com/lyrics/dreadwesley.htm)

There is a girl called Buttercup,

She is a Princess Bride,

The fairest maiden in the world,

As long as she ain’t died.

Her fiancé Prince Humperdink

Had planned her death, you see,

But Buttercup, she laughed and said,

“My Wesley will come for me.”

Inigo, Fezzik, and their boss

Were hired to make her dead,

When, suddenly, who should appear

But a skinny kid in red.

He quickly drew his phaser gun,

They died in beams of blue,

The Princess Bride gaped as he said,

“I’m Wesley – who are you?”

The Ensign and the Princess Bride,

They fell in love on sight,

And now Picard and crew are sick

From constant sweetness and light.

So if you want to keep your lunch,

Your cookies not to toss,

Don’t make your heroes dumb and cute,

Nor let your genres cross.

If it is the last thing we do… we will get the author of that song… one day when he least expects it… we’re feeding him to the Demonic Cabbages!! Volunteers to join the Dread Parrot and his crew in this most holy crusade to kill Ensign Wesley need only to sign up at the docks… and remember to pack the tar to be boiled… and to take their seasickness pills regularly while out at sea.

That is all… we now return you to your regularly scheduled fanfics.

ShadowDrake -

Dir. of Pub. Safety of the SECoLGA and Chief Dungeon Keeper. Vampire Teddy Bear and Flying Fox of the Woods Outback. The Big Bad and Little Comma. Mistress of Mischief, corruptor of the innocent, tormentor of Quindolyn. Founding Member of GWBNS - Hey, its a way of life! Dark Mistress of Weirdness. Yang to Alex's Yin. Charter Member of the Hand of Chaos, member of the Order of the Silver Claw of the Highland Werewolves of Gaia. Member of the Questionably Sane Biker Were-Folk Assn. {QSBWFA}

"I do not brood... I reflect." - Unnamed Vampire Teddy Bear 03/2002

AIM screen name: WolfFalke

Yahoo screen name: drakesshadow

MSN messenger: Tankesly@xxxxxxxxxxx {Shadow}

ICQ Number: 82517628

Web Page: http://shadowlander.topcities.com/