Feedback: FIC: Nocturnal Interludes: Secundus

["alan m rogers" <masterofwords@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>]

Sorry this took so long, everyone, but I'm a little backed up -- as
requested by my friend the unfortunately indomitable Mad Hamlet, feedback on
NI: Secundus.

First off all, MH has once again demonstrated his superb grasp of character
'voice' through adroit and subtle manipulations of syntax and diction -- you
can almost hear everyone's favorite red-head babbling inside her head as she
pounds the keys of her toy anachronism.  Although, at the beginning, he does
this a bit too well and opens with a great moment of babble ending in the
phrase 'let's journalise'.  This transition seems forced and/or contrived
and cause me to pause in my reading and wonder what she was talking about -
not because of the imaginary Willow-word, but because the transition was a
jarring drop into the world of angst.

Despite this transition, that first bit of babble does create the mood for
us, of recovering and taking stock of what's going on and what has happened.
A brief second to deal with the post-traumatic stress and psychological
issues wreaked upon the fair heroines by a dastardly fanfic writer.

His medium is a bit of pure genius, adding a thematic element to the story,
bringing it to life for us enchanted readers; such is the power of the
internet that we can do such things -- and I think it'd be fun to see what
the rest of us can come up with in terms of creative graphics and themes for
our stories. 

(Damn it man, stop raising the bar!) 

But in some ways it's overdone; although we understand the typewriter has
fading letters, there is an element of suspension of disbelief here, esp. in
AU fanfic.  After a few lines, the faded letters become distracting and
detract from the flow of the narrative, making it harder for me to enjoy
what I'm reading.  It's not that bad a gaffe, though, considering how many
problems the graphic theme could have created for a reader; he doesn't
violate any reader expectations because he states, without using authorial
intrusion, the reason behind the difficult-to-read text.  In fact, as a
reader, I started LOOKING for those things; but I'm not sure if that was
more distracting than helpful.

There were a couple of questions that popped up in my mind as I read.
First, what's with the itemized inventory?  I don't care how much canned
fruit the girl has (and where the hell was the toilet paper on that
list...ew, just ew...); maybe if this had been what kind of magickal makings
she had with her, or a Willowish-list of minor things like charms, jewelry,
computer gear...

Mayhaps an attempt to show us Willow wants to organize and order her
thoughts?

And...why doesn't Willow use magic to start the fire?  

I have to say -- from here on, we have a very smooth ride as Hamlet hits his
stride.  And a naked redhead is ALWAYS a good thing.

But entry six is where MH really showed his colors and let us FEEL Willow's
very real and very tangible fear, only to lead into one of the sappy endings
for which he has shown such talent (Good Hamlet...I think).

~alan the mad dragon
masterofwords@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
www.iteration-obscura.com





------------------------ Yahoo! Groups Sponsor ---------------------~-->
Buy Ink Cartridges or Refill Kits for your HP, Epson, Canon or Lexmark
Printer at MyInks.com. Free s/h on orders $50 or more to the US & Canada.
http://www.c1tracking.com/l.asp?cid=5511
http://us.click.yahoo.com/mOAaAA/3exGAA/qnsNAA/RoMolB/TM
---------------------------------------------------------------------~->

Willow: "It's a good fight, Buffy, and I want in."
Buffy:  "I kinda love you."
                     'Choices'

Community email addresses:
     Post message: buffywantswillow@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
     Subscribe:    buffywantswillow-subscribe@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
     Unsubscribe:  buffywantswillow-unsubscribe@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
     List owner:   buffywantswillow-owner@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Shortcut URL to this page:
     http://groups.yahoo.com/group/buffywantswillow

Official archive for the list:
     http://www.ikoly.com/fanfic

Other links to Buffy/Willow fics:

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/buffywantswillow/links  
Yahoo! Groups Links
<*> To visit your group on the web, go to:
    http://groups.yahoo.com/group/buffywantswillow/

<*> To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
    buffywantswillow-unsubscribe@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

<*> Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to:
    http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/