FB for FIC: For You, I Will Wait (1/?)

[Phoen Dusk <PhoenDusk@xxxxxxxxx>]

desdemona03 wrote:

Feedback: Yes, Please! This is my first Buffy’s story! I need your POV!!!

Well, since you asked so nicely...

A solid first effort.  Dopplegangland is an excellent turning point in the series, and a good choice to jump from continuity.  Okay, and it's my second favorite episode of the entire run.

Only one thing I'm going to mention as far as 'criticism:' watch your verb tenses.  There were times where you would switch in the middle of sentences.  I can see where this was meant to be present tense, but you slip into past and past perfect tense a lot.  Punctuation could also use a bit of improvement, but that's just one of my pet peeves (I'm hell on myself for punctuation, too), and that takes years to get the nuances down for.

           

            I hear him growl at me as he tried to pounce on me.

Here's a good example.  "Hear" is present; "tried" is past.  Using "trys" would keep it in present.

            As I reached the front of Willow’s home, I pause taking deep breaths and use the time to control my nervousness. ‘Great! Now I’m nervous…way to go Buffy!’ I thought bitterly to myself. Taking all the strength that I’ve got, I move to the side of the house and start climbing. The next thing I knew, I was on her balcony safely. I walk to her French door and knock on it lightly and waited. ‘What if she is sleeping? What if she didn’t hear me knocking?’ I asked my self silently and completely forgetting how late it was already. But then, I saw her opening the curtains slightly, looking at me in surprise. She quickly opened the door with a big smile on her face.

This paragraph does a lot of shifting.  As I said, it's something to watch for, and, over time, you develop a greater intuition for.  Of course, having had to write a story in present perfect passive tense increased my awareness in my own writing... but it's most assuredly not a thing I recommend to most people.

The pace was good; characterizations were good for S3.  I look forward to seeing where this goes.


Because someone has to be,

Phoen Dusk




Willow: "It's a good fight, Buffy, and I want in."
Buffy:  "I kinda love you."
                      'Choices'

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